by Lane, Cheryl
Catherine, Ginny, Lillie and I sat in the parlor with all the oil lamps lit and candles scattered about while the men sat in the master study smoking pipes and drinking brandy. Later the men came back into the parlor with us, and we played cards and drank Mint Juleps while Ginny and Lillie played with dolls on the floor. The wind moved roughly through the trees, and I heard occasional branches break off. I prayed none would hit the manor. The rain beat hard against the windows. It was actually rather scary, but we kept talking to take our minds off of it.
“I miss you playing the piano,” Ethan said suddenly. “What a shame you don’t have one here, for you could entertain us with some music.”
“That’s right, I remember you used to play the piano wonderfully, Madeline,” Catherine said.
“No one plays it at Wellington. Would you like me to have it brought over here?” Ethan asked.
“What a wonderful idea,” Catherine exclaimed. “You could teach Ginny and Lillie to play.”
“That does sound nice, but that piano has been in your family a long time, Ethan.”
“And yet it does no one any good just sitting there collecting dust. At least think about it, and I’ll ask mother, as well.”
The rain let up a little by the time it got dark as pitch outside. Ethan contemplated heading out on Blackfoot alone, leaving Lillie here. She and Ginny had fallen asleep on the couch. I pulled Ethan off to the side, out of everyone else’s listening ears, and said, “Don’t go, Ethan. It’s still raining. You’ll catch pneumonia. Besides, I want you here with me.”
His eyes took on a loving look. “Why? Are you frightened?”
“No,” I said simply, and just stared into his eyes, hoping to convey that I really, really just wanted to be with him a little while longer, despite knowing that him being in such close proximity was dangerous for both of us. My heart began to pound.
His eyes turned passionate, a burning look I recognized well, but he blinked and kissed me on the forehead. “All right, I’ll stay.”
Jonas picked up a book called “Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens and began to read it to us. I sat on the sofa next to the sleeping girls; Ethan sat close by in a high-back wing chair. Catherine sat on another high-back chair close to the girls, while William, Sambo and Jonas sat on the floor. The wind kept howling and curling around the house, sending shivers up and down my spine. Ethan must have seen me shiver, for he reached for my hand and held it tight against the arm of the sofa.
After a while, Catherine decided to retire up to her bedchambers. She woke Ginny, who carefully eased off the sofa while laying Lillie down all the way, and the two headed upstairs. The rain had started beating again furiously, and so Jonas took William upstairs to find a room he could sleep in for the night, rather than trudge out in the rain to the bachelor’s quarters. Sambo insisted he didn’t mind running over there to sleep. He didn’t want to be any trouble or put anyone out, and said he would strip off his wet clothes so he wouldn’t catch cold.
Ethan and I were left in the parlor alone with our sleeping child. Knowing that he was going to have to sleep in the house was both frightening and exciting at the same time. I had no idea where he would sleep, as all the rooms upstairs would be taken, except for maybe on the third floor. He was still holding my hand, and he picked it up and kissed it.
“I suppose I’ll have to find a room to sleep in, as well, or else run over to the bachelor’s quarters like Sambo.”
“Don’t do that, Ethan. I don’t want you to get soaked again.”
“Perhaps I’ll sleep here on this sofa then. Do you have a place for Lillie to sleep? Did you ever find a baby bed?”
“No, I didn’t. Jonas promised to make one but hasn’t started it yet. She sleeps on my bed when she takes her naps. I’ll be happy to take her up with me.”
“All right.” Neither one of us moved. I didn’t want to part from Ethan just yet, and I got the feeling he felt the same. The wind rattled the windows again, and I shuddered. He moved over on the sofa next to me, between me and Lillie, careful not to awaken her, and put his arm around my back. I shuddered again, though not from being uneasy about the storm but rather from feeling the warmth of his body so close to mine. “Are you cold?” he asked.
“No, not cold,” I said quietly, looking at the window across the room…looking but not really seeing. His presence close beside me was all I could think about. “I’m glad you’re here,” I whispered, still looking at the window.
I felt his rough hand gently touch my chin, and he turned my face towards him. My heart began to beat in earnest, my breathing arduous. I looked into his eyes, his beautiful amber eyes, and swallowed, unable to speak, unable to stop the kiss he placed softly on my lips. I closed my eyes in ecstasy and enjoyed the taste of him for a brief moment. I opened my eyes to his burning into mine, and then he kissed me again, more passion erupting this time. Oh, God, how I wanted him! I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t want him to stop. I put my arms around his neck and kissed him feverishly. All the holding back that I had been doing all this time, I released and let myself go. His arm went around my back, and he pressed me harder against him and with his other hand, he took the pins out of my pent-up hair and began running his fingers through it. I heard the pins hit the wooden floor.
I put both my hands on his cheeks, loving the feel of his rough beard and skin, while still we kissed. I touched his thick dark eyebrows and brushed my fingers across his forehead to his silky hair. This ignited more passion in him, and his hands began to caress me all over my upper back, up and down my arms, and then one of his hands lightly brushed against the side of my breast. I caught my breath, and he put his whole hand on my breast, and I moaned and shuddered.
“Ethan,” I whispered between kisses. “We shouldn’t…” I couldn’t finish. We shouldn’t be kissing, but I wanted him so badly.
He continued kissing me, our tongues touching and teasing, and then between kisses he said, “Oh, God, Maddie. I can’t do this anymore.”
I stopped kissing him abruptly, breathing heavily, and looked him in the eyes. “Can’t…what?” I whispered.
“Can’t live without you.” He caressed my face and looked at me as we gathered our ragged breaths.
“Oh, Ethan. I love you so.” I couldn’t help saying it. My heart ached for him incessantly. He kissed me again, his arm around my back pulling me closer against him.
“How am I supposed to live without you, when you’re all I think about?” he asked between more kisses.
“I honestly don’t know,” I said, kissing him again, slower this time. “I feel the same.” I knew we needed to stop. My heart was disappointed, but my foggy mind began to clear somewhat. “But I think we have to try…for your baby’s sake.” Tears developed in my eyes and spilled out onto my cheeks.
My words stilled him for a moment as he regained his own composure. He leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re right, of course.” He wiped the tears off my face and then put his arms around me for a long hug. I rested my head against his chest, feeling our hearts beating together, eventually slowing down their rhythms. I took a deep breath and then sighed, letting it all out slowly. It felt wonderful to be in his arms again.
“The last two months have been unbearable without you, Maddie,” he said. “I thought it would be easier this time than when you were gone before because at least I knew where you were and that you were safe, and I could see you from time to time. But to tell you the truth, it’s been worse…being so close and yet not being able to hold you like this. I understand why you didn’t want me coming around very often because it is torturous.”
Before I could respond, I was suddenly hit with queasiness, and I knew I needed to get out of that room before I expelled my supper all over him. I quickly pulled away from Ethan and ran out of the room holding my mouth, down the hall into the master study, where I pulled out a chamber pot tucked away inside a padded wooden stool. I barely got it out before spewing both watery and solid contents
into it. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to eat flounder again. Once I got it all out, I heard footsteps coming down the hall towards me.
“Madeline?” Ethan had followed me. I quickly put the chamber pot back in its hiding place to clean up later, wiped my mouth, and turned to face Ethan. He looked at me with a concerned and confused face. “Are you all right?”
“Yes, I—” What could I tell him? That my queasiness and heaving were getting worse instead of better? That it had been going on for over a month now? And then it dawned on me suddenly, like a lightning bolt. I was with child. My eyes widened in shock. Oh, no. Could I really be in confinement? It was a possibility. Ethan and I had relations…twice…back in June. Oh, yes, it was definitely a possibility. I had missed my cycle twice now, and my queasiness and heaving began in July – that would have been a month into it. Now it was two months, and the heaving was worse, came at all times during the day, not just in the morning anymore. Could I be? I couldn’t tell Ethan my suspicions…not yet.
“I…I’m fine,” I managed to say.
“It sounded like you were disgorging your supper. Are you ill?”
“I must have caught a germ or something. I’m feeling a little better already,” I lied.
“Come, I’ll take you and Lillie upstairs and you can get some sleep.
He went back and picked up Lillie, then held my arm all the way upstairs to the next floor to my bedchambers. He pulled back the bedding to reveal that we still didn’t have any sheets but only a bedspread for the top. “Why don’t you have any sheets?”
“We used them in the war for bandages. I’ve just been lying on top. It’s fine.”
“It won’t be, once it gets cold. I will send a set over for you, Madeline. We have plenty, remember?” I nodded, pulling the bedding back up. He lay Lillie down on top of it gently and then turned back to me. “Shall I help you undress?”
That was very tempting, and even though I wasn’t feeling very amorous anymore, I knew that something like that could quickly get out of hand. “No, I can manage. Thank you, Ethan.”
“Shall I get you some tea? Do you have any peppermint leaves? Perhaps that would help settle your stomach.”
“Yes, I picked some today for the Mint Juleps, but I don’t know how much is left; they may be all gone. They were down in the dining room, Ethan, but don’t go to all the trouble.”
“It’s no trouble at all. I’ll be back shortly. You should get into bed.”
He left, and I closed the door while undressing, putting on a long white nightgown. I wanted to open the window, as it was hot in the room, but it was still raining hard, so I couldn’t. It would be a long uncomfortable night, which was just as well. I wouldn’t be sleeping much anyway, with all the noise outside and with thoughts of confinement looming in my head. I lay down on the bed beside Lillie.
Ethan returned soon after, tapping lightly on the door. I called out for him to come in, and he held a tea cup with mint leaves inside and a lit candle.
“Found some,” he said. He placed both of them on the small table beside my bed by the water pitcher. He took the candle and lit my oil lamp that was also on the table. Then he poured water from the water pitcher into the tea cup for the mint leaves to steep. He looked at me in my thin nightgown, and I hugged my arms around myself, knowing it was thin and partially see-through, not wanting to entice him again.
“Are you sure you’re all right? Would you like me to sleep in here with you and Lillie? I could sleep on the floor – I wouldn’t mind – in case you or she needed anything during the night?” His eyes were hopeful. It made my heart ache. In truth, I’d like nothing more than to have him close to me all night long, but first of all, I knew that sleeping on the floor wouldn’t be good for him physically, would be terribly uncomfortable, as we had done that the night he proposed to me during the war. Secondly, if he stayed in the same room with me all night, I knew I’d end up in the floor with him and we’d have relations…the same thing that got me into this predicament I found myself in now.
“No, that’s not necessary, Ethan. But thank you. If I need anything, I know where to find you. You should go back downstairs. The rooms on this floor are filled with women. It wouldn’t be proper for you to stay in here. Perhaps there is a room up on the third floor where Jonas sleeps, however William is also sleeping up there. I don’t believe there is a room left. I apologize for the lack of hospitality.
“Just my luck,” he grinned. “I won’t trouble Jonas. I’ll just sleep in the parlor. That’s where I’ll be if you need me.” He walked over to my bed and kissed me on my forehead. His expression turned to concern. “Are you feverish? You feel very warm.”
“No, no. I’ll be fine after I drink some of the tea you made for me.”
“Shall I open the window? It’s very stuffy in here.”
“No, the rain will get in.”
“Perhaps not. I’ll just open it a bit and see what happens.” He opened it just about three inches, allowing warm moist air to envelop the room. The thick smell of the rain and brine drifted in, as well. The open window did help a little. He put his hand close to the window to check for rain. “You see? No rain is coming in. It is worse on the other side of the house, I believe. Hopefully this will help you be more comfortable.” He touched my forehead with his hand, smoothing my hair off my face. “You still feel clammy.” He pulled his hand back away, and I reached for the tea and took a sip of the lukewarm liquid. I sat it back on the table and then settled down on the pillow, curling my legs up and turning on my side to face Ethan.
He got down on his knees so that his face was even with mine. “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve lost some weight. Are you sure you’re all right, Maddie?”
“Oh.” He must have noticed that when we were kissing and caressing earlier. I had lost a little weight with all the heaving. “I’ll be okay, Ethan. And don’t worry; it’s nothing you can catch.” He looked confused. “Just a woman thing,” I said, smiling faintly. I didn’t want him to think I could infect him or Lillie with any germs, re-thinking the lie I had told him earlier. It was true, anyway – it was a woman thing. Only a woman could be in confinement.
“All right,” he said, blushing slightly. He kissed my forehead and then pulled the muslin netting around the bed to prevent the biting bugs from disturbing us since the window was open. He reluctantly left the room, taking the candle with him.
I lay there in the lamplight thinking about my situation for a long time. Confinement. It had to be true. It made sense, with the dates and my symptoms. It started happening shortly after we’d had relations, and instead of getting better it was getting worse, which was a repeat of the same scenario I’d had when I had been confined with Lillie. Indeed I had missed two cycles. At first I suspected it was due to all the stress of moving over to my brother’s plantation and being parted from Ethan. Now I knew better.
What would I do? How could I tell Ethan? In the right circumstances, he’d be thrilled with another child, no doubt. But the way things were presently, he would be disgraced if it were found out that he was the father since we weren’t married anymore. He had another wife who also had a baby on the way. It would be quite the scandal. His name and reputation would be dishonored. Having relations with two women in a short amount of time…he would look like a philanderer. He may not ever live it down.
What about me? What would become of me? I would be a disgrace…confined with no husband. I’d be called a harlot. How could I show myself in society? At church, at gatherings or balls? What would Jonas think? Catherine? Clarissa?
Most importantly, what would Ethan really think? He was married to another, and I’d be left alone to raise this child. On the other hand, what if Ethan tried to take the baby away from me to raise at his plantation with Lillie? I couldn’t bear the thought. That didn’t seem like something Ethan would do, though. If he’d had the choice, if I hadn’t had my accident, he would never have kept Lillie away from me.
What if
Ethan thought I had planned the whole thing in order to get him back, to give him another reason to annul his marriage to Elizabeth and marry me again? I’d have two children instead of just one. Wouldn’t that make him choose me instead of her? Especially if he loved me the way I thought he did. No, it might look that way to someone from the outside, but surely Ethan would know I had not planned to have relations with him that afternoon. That was the same afternoon he had found out that Elizabeth was with child. Instead of throwing me out the door and comforting her, he’d sought comfort with and had relations with me. It had been so sweet. Oh, it made me ache for him, just thinking about that day. A baby resulting from that day was surely made out of the truest love.
If circumstances were different, I knew he would be thrilled at the news. Perhaps I could give him an heir to carry on the Wellington name. He’d be so happy. But things being as they were, I couldn’t tell him, not yet. Should I lie to him and say it’s not his? Tell him it’s someone else’s to save his reputation at least? Heaven knew mine was not going to be saved, once it was found out by the community. Whose would I say it was? Jefferson? I had told Ethan about Jefferson courting me and wanting to marry me, but if I told Ethan that Jefferson was the father, he would think that there had been more to our relationship than I had let on, that I had lied about not caring for Jefferson. He would think I’d had relations with Jefferson right before showing up again at his house, and he would probably think Jefferson and I were up to no good, and that I had been lying about losing my memory. It would all look like a farce.
What about William? I could lie and say it was his. No one would have to know that I had avoided being alone with him as much as possible, to prevent any rumors. Being on this big plantation together, it wouldn’t be a huge surprise that two people could fall into each other’s company intimately, would it? Then again, doing so would harm William’s reputation. He would lose any respect from the community. He was a newcomer, anyway. If it were to be thought that he had sired a baby with his employer’s sister, he would be shunned. I couldn’t do that to him. He’d been too nice.