by Lane, Cheryl
No, I couldn’t lie about someone else being the father, even though my own reputation was going to be ruined either way. If I lied about someone else being the father, then that would really make me look like a harlot, being unmarried. Just like in “The Scarlet Letter”, they’d put a big “A” on my chest.
I also wouldn’t lie to Ethan. I would tell him…eventually…that I was having his baby and deal with the consequences then, cross that bridge when I came to it. In the meantime, I’d have to be more careful about my regurgitations, take care that no one saw, especially not Ethan. If he thought about it long and hard, he would figure it out. He’d been a great comfort to me when I went through all of this with Lillie. He’d brought me tea three times a day; I’d felt like British royalty. Sometimes it would be black tea, sometimes peppermint or chamomile tea. Nothing helped very much, of course. It was just something that had to be endured until month four, when the expulsions stopped, my belly started to bulge, and my breasts started getting fuller. During those early days of confinement, he would also hold my hair up so I wouldn’t spew on it. Then he would soothe my hair out after spewing and remind me it was all for a good cause…a little precious bundle to care for once he or she arrived. He’d not let me exert myself at all and was at my beck and call. He allowed me to sleep late in bed long after morning chores had been done and breakfast had been served. He would calm me when I worried about the physical aspects of the confinement…first the expulsions, then with the changes in my body, the pain in my hips, and finally with the dread of delivery.
I would miss sharing all of that with Ethan this time. I’d have to go it alone. That would make it all the harder, for sure. Perhaps I could confide in someone – maybe Catherine. She was raising a child on her own now. Surely she would understand and commiserate with my situation. Hopefully she would not take her nephew’s side and want the child to go live with Ethan after he or she was born.
I tried not to think about the confinement any longer so I could get some sleep, but it didn’t work. I lay listening to the wind and rain, still extending its angry arms around the house, trying to envelop it. I listened to Lillie’s heavy breathing beside me. Sweet Lillie. She had definitely been worth all the misery of confinement. How would she like having a brother or sister? She’d have someone to play with when they got older. She’d be the big sister to take care of the little one growing inside me now.
Lillie started to stir, turned over and opened her eyes and looked at me. At first she seemed confused, frightened even, but then I smiled at her by the light of the oil lamp, and she realized who I was and grinned back. She reached over and touched my face with her hand. “Mama?” she whispered.
My heart melted. “Yes, sweet Lillie,” I answered her.
“Dada?” she asked inquisitively, looking around the room.
“He’s downstairs sleeping,” I told her.
Her face looked sad for a moment, and her bottom lip puckered out, so I caressed her face and held her hand, and started humming to try and soothe her. Her frown gradually disappeared, and her eyes drifted back to sleep. Music always did soothe Lillie. It was true, music soothed the soul. It had been a great pleasure for me, and I did miss it. Perhaps I should take Ethan up on his offer to bring the piano over here for me to play. I could indeed teach Lillie how to play, and very soon, I was going to have another reason, another little one, to teach.
Chapter 24
New Developments
In the dead of the night, the winds finally stopped howling and the rain slowed to a more pleasant drizzle, and I was able to succumb to sleep. I awoke to find Lillie playing with my hair. She smiled when I opened my eyes and looked at her. She started whispering in her own made-up language, which no one could understand. It was endearing. How I wished I could wake up to her smiling face every morning…hers and Ethan’s.
I wondered how Ethan had slept down on the sofa. It couldn’t have been comfortable. He had offered to sleep on the floor in this very room – that would have been worse. Then again, I would have ended up making him sleep in the bed with Lillie and me, which would have been wonderful. If things had been different and we had still been married, that’s perhaps what would have happened on a stormy night. Lillie might have been scared and ended up sleeping in the middle of the bed between the two of us. I sighed deeply at the thought of that, longing for it.
It had been so wonderful being in Ethan’s arms again, feeling his kisses, feeling our hearts beat together as one, as it should be. It would be much harder to part again when he went back to Wellington.
I had my morning ritual of spewing, which I didn’t mind as much this time, knowing the reason was most likely because I was carrying Ethan’s child. I dressed myself and changed Lillie, as I had a little extra clothing of hers here already, and we headed downstairs to the parlor to check on Ethan. He was already up, fully dressed, sitting on the sofa with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand, talking to Jonas. I was somewhat disappointed that I didn’t get to see him with only his shirt and trousers on, or wake him up gently, as I had done on occasions when we were married. I remember those rare times when he had no chores to perform in the early morning, and we would linger in bed together, loving each other, taking our time. I had to stop thinking about such things.
When Lillie and I entered the room, both gentlemen stood up and told us “good morning.” Jonas excused himself from the room, and Ethan took a squealing Lillie from my arms. She was always happy to see her dada.
“How are you this morning? Feeling any better?” Ethan asked me.
“A little,” I said, feigning a smile.
Before I had a chance to say anything else, Catherine called us into the dining room for some hot oatmeal. She and Ginny had actually walked out across the muddy courtyard to the kitchen house to make oatmeal and coffee. We ate and talked about the storm. It was still cloudy and a little windy, but the rain had stopped. Jonas said several big tree branches had fallen, one of them on top of the newly repaired stables. Thankfully, none of the horses were harmed. The roof would have to be repaired again, and would take a lot of man-power getting the big trunk off. Ethan vowed to help, even offering to bring Jake and Zeke over as soon as it was feasible.
After breakfast, Ethan went outside to check the condition of the drive and the road. I followed him to the porch, with Lillie, who twirled around playfully. It was pretty muddy out; I didn’t see him getting the carriage out any time soon.
“I’m going to take Blackfoot and ride home for the day, see if any repairs need to be done over there. Do you mind keeping Lillie for the whole day?”
“Of course I don’t mind. What about the carriage?”
“I’ll ride back over here late in the afternoon and see how the road is then, if it’s drivable or not.”
Before he left, he took my hand in his and lowered his voice. “I just want you to know I don’t regret anything from last night. I know we shouldn’t…be intimate that way at all, but I couldn’t resist staying away from you any longer. I hope you’re not disappointed in me.”
“Not at all, Ethan. It was very…pleasing.” I smiled.
He brought my hand up to his lips. “I don’t feel like I’m being unfaithful to Elizabeth. You must know I don’t love her. Rather, I feel like I’ve been unfaithful to you, and everything feels wrong. I’m miserable without you.”
“Oh, Ethan.” I wanted to kiss him, but we were on the porch and anyone could see us. It wouldn’t be proper.
“If it weren’t for the baby…” he trailed off.
For just a split second, I thought he meant my baby, but then I realized he didn’t know about that baby yet and that he was referring to Elizabeth’s baby. “I know,” I said. If it weren’t for Elizabeth’s baby, he’d be in my arms every night. He’d be comforting me during the storms of life, holding me close, feeling every breath, anticipating the new life inside of me. I felt tears well up in my eyes. They seemed to come easier with my confinement. Now I understood w
hy I had been moody lately. Everything took on a different light. In spite of knowing I couldn’t be with Ethan like I wanted to, I had a part of him with me all the time…growing inside of me. I was determined to enjoy it the best way I could.
The road stayed muddy for two more days, and so Ethan would come to check on Lillie and the roads twice a day on horseback, but he left Lillie with me overnight, while he went back to Wellington. He couldn’t take her back and forth on horseback; it would’ve been too dangerous, for she might have fallen off. He talked about bringing up a little boat, coming from the river, but he knew Lillie was enjoying her visit with me, and so he let her stay till the carriage could be driven out. Lillie did enjoy her nights with me, and Ethan would spend time with us at supper and linger for a bit after to play with her and read to her. I was going to miss all of this when the roads dried up.
The first day he came back, he brought three extra sheets for my bed as well as Catherine and Ginny. That was such a nice gesture. Zeke and Jake also returned with him to help Jonas and William move the big heavy tree branch that had fallen onto the stables. They used rope to help move it off. It would take a lot of work to get all of that cut up, but we could use it for firewood this winter. Jonas told Ethan he could have some of it since he and the brothers had come over to help him move it.
On the third day after the storm, late in the afternoon, Ethan was finally able to pull the carriage out of the ruts it had dug itself into when the rains came. I had to say goodbye to Lillie until the next day. It was a long, lonely night. I almost wished for another storm.
The next morning, I looked for Catherine, feeling the need to talk. I found her in the kitchen preparing breakfast, and I so helped her. I went out to the chicken coop to collect some eggs. Dawn had just broken, and the air was thick and warm. It was going to be a blistering hot, sultry August day. Once I returned to the kitchen, I proceeded to talk to her about Ethan.
“Catherine, I’ve done a terrible thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I kissed Ethan…the night of the storm. Oh, God, it felt wonderful, but it was wrong. He’s married to another.” I rubbed my hands together nervously.
Catherine stopped preparing food and turned to look at me across the long preparation table. She walked around to my side of the table, and pulled me by the arm out into the hall, and we sat down on the staircase. “Madeline, you were married to him first. It’s understandable.” She put her hand on top of mine and squeezed it.
“There’s more.” I drew a deep breath. “Something like that happened two months ago when I was living at Wellington Cross. I had already gotten most of my memory back, and I had been rocking Lillie to sleep in our bedchambers – the ones up on the third floor where we lived after we wed.” I paused, looking down at my hands.
“Go on,” she encouraged.
“He came in and found us, and he was distraught. That was the day Elizabeth fell off the horse. At the time, I couldn’t imagine what would upset him so. He actually cried, Catherine. I’ve never seen him cry, except when little Godfrey died. We ended up having relations that afternoon.”
“Oh. Again, that’s understandable. You both love each other very much, that’s obvious, and you’d been apart for a whole year. You wanted a homecoming of sorts…the best kind of homecoming, and he wanted comfort. That was the day he found out Elizabeth was with child, correct?” I nodded. “He must have known he would have to make a hard decision, and he so wanted to choose you, Madeline. I know he did. But knowing Ethan, he felt responsible for the child, am I right?”
I nodded. “But now,” I said, almost whispering. “I think I am with child.”
I looked at Catherine then, whose eyes widened. “You do?”
“Yes. I…I’ve been heaving lately. At first it was only in the mornings, but now it’s also during the day, at different times, and into the evening, and I have missed two cycles. I know these symptoms. They’re the same ones I had when I was carrying Lillie.”
“Oh, my. Another child…” She was thoughtful and quiet for a moment. “Have you told Ethan?”
“No. I have no idea how he will take it. He has already decided to stay with Elizabeth because of her baby. What will he do for my baby? How will he take care of us?”
“Well, before you tell Ethan, you should get checked out by a doctor. Isn’t there one nearby?”
I nodded. “Doc Parsons, yes. I suppose I could send for him. I’ve been so worried, Catherine, since the realization hit me. I don’t want to ruin Ethan’s good standing in the community or with his family. Perhaps I should just move away until the baby is born. Would you come with me?”
“Now, hold on. You’re talking nonsense. No one’s going anywhere. I just got here, and I’m very happy to be here, thank you very much. And you shouldn’t be traveling or upsetting yourself in your condition, if indeed you are with child. This is a very critical part of the confinement. You need to put your mind at ease, or else you may put your baby in danger. You could lose it.”
She was right, of course. The last thing I wanted was to lose this baby. I wanted to cherish it because it was bred out of my and Ethan’s love for each other. “You’re right. I apologize,” I said.
“Besides, it’s too dangerous out there for two women and a child alone. We’d have no safe place to go.”
“Of course.” Catherine was very sensible. “You don’t think Ethan would try and take the baby from me, do you? He already has Lillie with him.”
“I honestly don’t think so. He kept Lillie because she was used to living there in her home, right?” I nodded. “And truth be told, he was probably afraid of losing her, like he’d lost you for a whole year. He was protecting himself.”
I hadn’t thought of that before. “You could be right. That makes sense. So will he be afraid of losing our unborn baby then?”
Catherine didn’t know. She leaned over and gave me a hug. “Now, no more worrying, and we’ll send for the doctor today, all right?”
I nodded, and then wiped fresh tears. “Thank you. I’m so glad I have someone to talk with about this.”
“I’m happy to be here for you.”
Later that day, Doc Parsons, who had been on his way to check on Elizabeth at Wellington Cross, confirmed what I had suspected: I was with child. He estimated my date of confinement to be ending around the middle of March. He swore to secrecy, and for the time being, I would keep it a secret between myself, Doc Parsons, and Catherine. Then when I began to show signs of something growing down there, I would have to tell Ethan. Meanwhile, I began to wonder if I had a boy or a girl growing inside of me, what it would look like, what characteristics would be like me and what would be like Ethan. It felt wonderful to have a piece of Ethan that I was now carrying around with me. Wonderful, and yet, I again missed the comfort and care he had given me when I was carrying Lillie. It wasn’t fair that Elizabeth was getting his care now, instead of me. I longed for his love and affection more than ever.
Chapter 25
Insinuations
The next week was a busy one. The piano was brought over in a carriage by Ethan, Jake and Zeke. Jonas and William helped them once they got it over here. They’d had to remove the legs to fit it through the doors and for ease of transportation. They set it up in the parlor in a corner by a window overlooking the river. There were tall trees on this side of the house, so it would perhaps be cool enough to play in here in the afternoons even in the heat of summer, with the window open to allow river breezes in.
I thanked Ethan for his generosity and told him to also thank Clarissa and Edward. It was a wonderful thing, even if it was only on loan. They told me I was welcome to keep it as long as I agreed to play for them from time to time. I told Ethan I’d be happy to play for him any time he wanted to hear me. Music made me happy, cleansed my soul, lifted my spirits when I was feeling down, and helped me celebrate when I was elated. Besides, I had some new pupils to teach.
I celebrated that evening after su
pper by playing everything I could remember how to play. I kept playing long after everyone else had turned in for bed. I ended by playing the soft music by Beethoven that reminded me of kissing Ethan…on this very piano bench. It seemed like such a long time ago. It made me miss him all the more. I had always enjoyed playing the piano, but it always meant more to me with Ethan around. He’d enjoyed watching me play almost as much as I enjoyed playing.
We had corn all throughout the summer, but especially in August. Late in the month, Jonas, William, and Sambo harvested ripe ears of corn and saved a few for our own use, stored some in the root cellar, and the majority was taken to market to sell. Catherine and I helped with the picking while Ginny played with Lillie close by. It was very tiring, and we all were exhausted in the evenings. We also had a few grapes that were very good, but not enough to do much with except eat by hand. Certainly not enough to sell at the market or make into wine. Perhaps there’d be more next year.
We also had apples on our apple tree that were ripening. It was over between the river and the small family garden. Lillie and I were out there collecting some apples one afternoon when Lillie suddenly started screaming. I ran over to her to see what was wrong, and she pointed to her arm, saying “bee”. I guessed that a bee stung her. She started crying then, and pointed at a bee she saw flying by, swatting at it. I picked her up quickly and took her away from the tree and the bees, which looked like yellow jackets. I looked around for someone working outside. William was over in the stables, fixing a horse’s shoe.
“Mr. Brown! I think Lillie has been stung by a bee. What should I do?”
He quickly stopped what he was doing and came over to look at Lillie. I pointed to an area of redness on her arm that was starting to swell up. He happened to be chewing on some tobacco, and he leaned down and spat a little tobacco juice onto the red spot and then rubbed it in. “That’ll help take away the stinging,” he explained.