by Lane, Cheryl
William stayed close by me, and we ate a few samplings off the table, with Catherine and Jonas close by. My biggest dread of the night came through the dining room door next…Elizabeth. She was wearing a deep apricot dress with lots of lace, and her bosom was bigger than mine, much to my chagrin, but she was at least a month farther along than I. My only consolation was that her waistline was also growing. She was greeted by a few young women, who gushed over her and told her how pretty she looked. I realized she must have made quite a few friends already. I’d had a few friends growing up who lived on nearby plantations and farms, including Hannah, but I had mostly trailed along behind Jonas and Ethan. It saddened me somewhat that I had not made more friends that I did, and that I no longer even had the one I had pined for my whole life…Ethan.
He came through the door next, and his gaze found mine instantly. His eyes widened, and I began to dread that he would indeed realize I was carrying a child inside me. He looked devastatingly handsome in a dark blue suit with long tails in the back, and a white cravat at his neck. His hair was slicked back, and his beard looked neatly trimmed. I found myself staring at him.
Elizabeth disrupted my staring when she sauntered over to our group all proud and bosomy, and greeted her husband’s aunt Catherine, Jonas, and then stopped in front of me. “Hello, Madeline,” she sneered, and then she looked at William. “And who might you be?”
“Hello, Elizabeth,” I answered her. “This is Mr. William Brown. He helps Jonas out on the plantation.”
“Pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” William said, taking her hand and kissing it politely. I cringed. I just couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to touch her, not Ethan and not even William. Yet, much as I hated to admit it, she did look very pretty. She was obviously happy. I envied that and hated her for it. She took away my happiness.
“So you’re the Mr. Brown I’ve heard so much about. So nice to meet you.” She made her way to the table then and began eating while conversing with some of the other ladies again.
Ethan greeted Jonas and Catherine, and then came to me. “Madeline, you look…” His eyes looked me up and down admiringly and then rested on my eyes. “…ravishing,” he said quietly. He picked up my hand and kissed it slowly and softly. I closed my eyes briefly, enjoying the feel of his lips on my hand, his fingers touching mine.
He let go of my hand reluctantly and then greeted William. “Good to see you again, Will,” he said, shaking his hand. He quietly joined Elizabeth at the table of food. He looked like he’d lost weight, probably from all the work with the harvest. He was too thin.
I ate some crab cakes and finished my tea. Ethan moved to the opposite side of the table, and glanced across the table at me more than once. William excused himself, as he and Jonas walked over to greet some fellow farmers who’d just entered the room.
Hannah Carter, my friend I hadn’t seen since getting my memory back, greeted me with a surprised look on her face. “Madeline! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you,” she drawled, with her lovely thick Southern accent. “What have you been doing with yourself for the last year?” I began to fill her in on what had happened to me for the past year, leaving out the romantic details, of course. We talked about old times growing up, and about our party we had at her house when we turned 16, when we were introduced to society. It had been common knowledge that Ethan and I would eventually marry, as it was rumored that our families wanted us together to keep the wealth in both of our families. Ethan and I had been more than fine with that since we’d fallen in love already. At the time, Hannah had yet to find a beau, and of course flirted with Ethan herself from time to time, so I asked her if she’d found one yet.
“Why, yes, I did. I married Henry Adams. Do you remember him? He lived across the water in City Point. We’ve been married about six months now.”
“That’s wonderful, Hannah. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you. I was awful sorry to hear about your accident and then Ethan marrying that Elizabeth girl.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Just between you and me, I don’t like her too much. She comes from white trash, I hear. Why, she was the housemaid before she and Ethan got married. I really wish you were still with him.” She always had been quite snobbish, but at least she was on my side when it came to Ethan.
“Me, too, Hannah.”
I glanced at Ethan, who ate on the other side of the room in the corner of the dining room close to the hallway. He chatted with other men from time to time but not engaging in any long conversations. Elizabeth stood close by him, talking with her friends. While talking with Hannah, I kept glancing over at him, and I caught him looking at me every time I glanced his way. Every time. Elizabeth had apparently not observed this, for she kept chattering away and laughing lightly.
Hannah introduced me to her husband when he walked up to us. His family was into cotton and cotton gins, Hannah bragged. She then lured him out to the hall for some dancing. “Come join us, Madeline,” she motioned to me to follow her.
“Maybe in a bit,” I replied. I would have loved to dance with Ethan, but that was not possible.
I looked over at him; he was still staring at me. Honestly, he shouldn’t stare so, he would make people talk. He normally was very conversant with his own friends and fellow plantation owners, and yet tonight, he was quiet for the most part, not mingling around. Perhaps he was fatigued. Or perhaps he was in shock, seeing me and suspecting my condition. I wondered if he was mulling over in his head all the things I’d been going through, and counting back to when we had relations in June. If so, he was bound to corner me someplace and ask me about it. I was not ready to talk to him about it, so I found William and asked him to dance with me.
We passed Ethan on the way out of the dining room, and he nodded at us, but continued to look at me longingly and curiously.
The dance hall was crowded, but William and I danced an appropriate waltz as best we could. It didn’t feel right dancing with him, in this house, though he did seem to know what he was doing.
“You’re doing some fine dancing, Mr. Brown,” I observed.
“Thank you, ma’am.” He leaned his head close to mine to speak softly into my ear discreetly, “Ethan can’t keep his eyes off of you.”
“You noticed,” I said, realizing others were bound to have noticed, as well. I supposed it could be sort of expected, since we had been married before. “That’s one of the reasons why I coaxed you onto the dance floor, to keep the murmuring down.”
“Do you think he knows your condition?”
“If you guessed it easy enough, he’s bound to,” I said.
“He’s not been around you as much as I have.”
“No, but he knows me better than you do, and he has seen me go through this before. He also saw me heaving the night of the big storm when he had to stay over.” I looked at Ethan then, thinking of that night when we’d kissed and he declared he couldn’t stand living without me anymore.
“What will you tell him if he asks you about it?” William asked. I looked back at William. His eyes were on mine, penetrating, seeking an answer.
“I honestly don’t know yet,” I said, and looked away.
We continued to dance, and I looked around, observing the other dancing couples. The music switched to a slower, more romantic tune, one that I’d played on the piano before for Ethan, and I could no longer dance with William. I pulled away from him, almost colliding with Ethan in the process, who was on his way out the river-front door to the courtyard.
“I’m sorry, please excuse me, Mr. Wellington,” I said formally. I just stood there looking at him. I couldn’t move and didn’t know where I wanted to go. There seemed to be no escape. Ethan was blocking the door to go outside, William was behind me near the dancers, wondering at my abrupt departure, and Elizabeth was in the dining room still chattering. I felt trapped.
Ethan looked behind me at William, and then pulled my arm towards the parlor. “Could I speak with you for a moment?” he asked
me.
I looked back at William and motioned for him to stay put while I talked with Ethan. My heart started pounding as I followed Ethan into the parlor. It was somewhat crowded in this room, as well, but he led me over to an empty corner of the room near a window.
“Madeline, I…” his voice trailed off. I waited for him to ask what I’d been dreading for him to ask since I found out I was carrying his child. “You look…you’ve put on more weight…” He looked down at my bosom, then up at me; I knew what he was thinking.
“Yes,” I agreed, waiting for more.
“Why…how…” he was stuttering; he was obviously flustered and unsure how to approach the conversation, especially in a room full of people. He lowered his voice a little. “You were heaving the night of the storm when I spent the night, and you’d lost a lot of weight. I thought you just had a germ or something, but then you convinced me it was a…a “woman thing”. I let it go at that and thought nothing more about it, till I saw you had lost even more weight, and you told me it was my fault. I was perplexed about that for quite some time. Then the last time I saw you, you had gained your weight back, and you looked like your normal self again. Yet I see you tonight, with your…your bosom is larger and your waist expanded…” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Madeline, are you with child?” he whispered.
Those were the words I’d been dreading to hear. What would I tell him? The moment of truth had arrived. “Yes,” I whispered back, closing my eyes briefly.
“Is it mine?” he asked quietly, though not quietly enough. Elizabeth turned me around at that moment and slapped me hard across the cheek. I heard audible gasps and exclamations in the room. I had no idea she was even in the room, and Ethan must have been too distracted to see her, as well.
“Well?” she asked me. I looked around at all the faces staring at me. My heart picked up an even faster beat; it felt like a galloping horse. I looked over at Ethan, whose eyes were questioning. I looked at Elizabeth, whose face was flushed with anger. Then I saw William at the doorway. He had apparently followed Elizabeth into the room. What would I say? I had to choose my words carefully.
Still looking at William, I made my decision. I couldn’t tell Ethan the truth here in front of everyone. I knew I had to save him from social embarrassment in his own home. I would turn all the attention and embarrassment onto me and William – who had, after all, volunteered for this. And so I lied. “Yes, I am with child,” I said, looking at Elizabeth again. Her jaw dropped and her eyes bulged. I looked over at Ethan, who looked panicked, and he rubbed his face with his hands. Looking back at William for strength and courage, I said, “It’s William’s.” I heard more audible gasps, one of them being Ethan’s. I swallowed hard before continuing. “As a matter of fact, he and I are betrothed,” I barely managed to say, struggling over that last word.
William came over and linked his arm with mine, and I felt some comfort in that; I needed him to steady me. I forced a smile. Elizabeth’s look of shock turned to amusement. She smiled. “Well, well. Isn’t that a surprise?” She turned and looked at Ethan pointedly before leaving the room. Some of the people in the room, who had been listening attentively, began to congratulate me and William. Finally I turned to face Ethan. He was devastated, speechless. I regretted my decision immediately. What had I done? I held back tears as Ethan turned and swiftly left the parlor and thrust the river-front door open to go outside.
I excused myself from William. “Please, I have to talk to him,” I said. He nodded in agreement.
The courtyard was filled with more lit lanterns and scattered pumpkins, making it look magical. The sofa from the hall as well as the dining room chairs had been brought outside and placed in groups for conversations, and to allow more room on the inside for dancing and eating. There were also the wrought-iron benches in the gazebo where couples were chatting and laughing. The long garden walk down to the river was also lit up with lanterns, placed on top of each brick column. I walked down the hill, seeing who I thought was Ethan off in the distance, and followed. When the figure turned into the wooded area towards our bench by the river, I knew it had to be him. I could see him somewhat with the help of the lit torches on the dock. I hurriedly made my way down there, and sure enough, found him sitting on the bench, his head in his hands, hanging between his knees, his dark hair hung over his face. This was our spot. I dreaded that I’d have to lie to him in a place where we’d shared joy before.
He started when I said his name softly. “Ethan.”
“Madeline!” he said, looking at me suddenly, standing up quickly, almost toppling the lantern that had been placed on the bench.
I stood still where I was, not wanting to get too close to him for fear that I might break down and tell him the truth. Since I had decided to go this path and marry William, letting everyone think the baby was his, I would have to continue the farce.
“Is it really his?” he asked me. “I thought…” I knew what he thought. He had indeed been mulling my situation over, and he traced it all back to that day in our bedchamber when we’d had relations.
Now was the moment of truth. Should I continue to lie, or tell him that he was the baby’s father? He would be hurt either way, I had decided, and if I continued the lie, he could at least move on with his life with Elizabeth and be happy. He’d never be happy if he thought I was going to have another child of his and that he would not be able to take care of us properly. I’d rather him be mad at me and find happiness with Elizabeth, than to be miserable the rest of his life with not being able to take care of one of his children. Wasn’t that the reason he had chosen Elizabeth over me, for the sake of a child? I would be doing the same thing by choosing William over Ethan, for the sake of my child.
So I continued to lie. I turned my eyes away from him, looking down at the lantern on the bench. I could lie to him, but I didn’t have to look him in the eyes while doing so. “Yes. I’m so sorry, Ethan. So sorry things worked out the way they have. It wasn’t planned, it just…happened.” That was the truth, though not the way I was implying.
He looked at the river for a moment, and I followed his gaze, listening to the water lap against the small rocks and sand in quick short waves. “Do you love him?” he asked.
What could I say? Would I lie about this, as well? Make him think, as Catherine had pointed out, that I had fallen into William’s arms so soon after leaving Wellington Cross? No, I had to at least tell him the truth about this. I didn’t want him to think I had been lying when I told him I loved him or when I kissed him the night of the storm. So I had to tell the truth about this. “No more than you love Elizabeth. But what else could I do? I want this baby to have a mother and a father that live in the same house…the way it should be.”
He looked at me, and I could tell my words had hurt him. “Of course, it should be that way. I understand that.”
He was taking it too well. I expected him to yell at me and accuse me of being a harlot. Instead, he was visibly upset but quiet, holding back his anger, showing restraint. He wouldn’t look at me. I just wanted him to hold me, but I feared that he never would again. It almost made me cry, but I held back my tears. Now that I’d agreed to marry William, I had to act the part of being a happy bride-to-be, and it would not be proper to be seen in the arms of my former husband. I had to constantly remind myself that I was doing all of this for him.
“When will you wed?” he asked, looking back at the water.
“The date has not yet been decided,” I said. I certainly had no idea when we would get married, seeing as how I had just announced it to everyone, William included. It was all on the spur of the moment…all because of Elizabeth. Nothing was planned beyond that. I had no idea how I would proceed with any of it. I had no real desire to marry William; it would be simply out of convenience, as he had said.
I wondered what he was thinking. I was sure he was thinking that after he forced me to leave this plantation, I had been so distraught that I’d fallen into William�
��s arms one lonely night, and we had done the deed that caused me to be confined. I hoped he didn’t think I was secretly meeting up with and kissing William in quiet corridors of the manor. I had to clear that up, at least.
I looked at him, willing him to look at me. “It’s not a romance at all, Ethan. I don’t love him. I could never love anyone as much as I love you…but I have to think about this child.”
He looked into my eyes. “I told you already that I understand.”
“But I just wanted you to know. I didn’t want you to think I had been philandering around with William this whole time.” I looked down at my hands; preparing for another lie. “It was just the one time, I swear it,” I said, realizing those were the same words he’d said to me about him and Elizabeth.
“Then I wish you every happiness,” he said, and then swiftly left me standing there in the darkness of the trees alone. I felt the breeze of his departure all over me.
Chapter 28
Decisions
After Ethan left, I slowly made my way back up the hill. Halfway up, I saw William standing there waiting for me. He was beside the bench where I’d been sitting that first day I came back to this plantation, where I had first seen Ethan again. I remember how he’d hugged me so tightly; he’d been so happy to see me. Look how miserable we were now. As I reached the bench, I collapsed on it and started weeping. William sat down beside me and put his arm around me. I turned and fell into his arms, letting it all out. It was the first time we’d ever really touched, besides casual touches in passing. His strong arms were comforting. I really didn’t want to be in his arms; I’d rather have been in Ethan’s arms, but I knew that would never happen again. I just needed to be held, and William was available.
I felt so awful at what I had done, at what couldn’t be done, and at what I would be forced to do in the future. I needed strength, and so I took it from William. I wrapped my arms around his back and continued to cling to him and weep. My head was against his chest, and I was getting his brown dress coat wet with my tears. I knew it must look odd to any passersby to see us embracing this way and to hear me weeping, but I didn’t care about social decorum at the moment. Why shouldn’t a bride-to-be be found in the arms of her betrothed? Never mind that she was crying.