by Lane, Cheryl
“William!” I exclaimed, dropping my fork noisily down on the table, and nearly tipping over my glass of water. I was shocked and gaped at him across the table, holding the glass steady. How could he know I was in confinement?
“Madeline, it’s all right. I haven’t told anyone. I will keep your secret for as long you want me to.”
“Mr. Brown,” I said, using his more proper name, trying to distance myself a bit. “I can assure you this is none of your concern.” I stood to leave, but he stood up, too, and reached across the table to grasp my elbow.
“Now, don’t go running off. I mean you no harm. Come now, you can be honest with me. I’m your ally.”
How could he know I was with child? I wondered again. Could I really trust him? “Why should I tell you anything? This is my concern, not yours.” I realized he must have suspected earlier, when he’d given me that ginger tea after I’d been heaving.
“Because I understand. I had a wife, before the war. She and I had a child, and so I recognized your condition. The retching every day, losing weight, and now you’re beginning to…grow.” He motioned with his hands like he was holding a parcel in front of him.
I would never get used to his boldness. “I…” I couldn’t say anything. I looked down at my belly, which I’d been trying hard to conceal. Of course that was difficult when I wasn’t wearing a crinoline around the manor. He was right; I was starting to show a little. My breasts were getting fuller, my dresses tighter. I had gained my weight back from all that I’d lost from the retching plus a little more. Ethan himself had mentioned to me just that morning that I was looking better than I had in a long while. Of course, I was wearing the crinoline when he came here to go hunting with Jonas and Sambo.
“I apologize if I seem rude or too forward. I never was one to beat around the bush about anything. Am I right about it being Ethan’s? Didn’t you or Ethan tell me that you lived at Wellington until you got your memory back from your accident? I haven’t seen you with any other men.”
I knew I might as well ‘fess up, as it didn’t seem he was going to cease talking about it. I sighed. “Yes, I am with child, and yes, it’s Ethan’s,” I said, looking down at the table, ashamed. I sat back down to regain my composure.
“I thought as much.” He sat down, as well, and began scooping more potatoes onto his plate. “I’m sorry for you both. Sorry that you can’t be together when you so clearly love each other. Anyone can see that, to see the two of you together. Especially the way you look at each other. I’m sure that’s why Elizabeth gets so upset. She knows Ethan loves you.”
“Thank you for saying all that, I appreciate it. It’s true, we love each other very much, but circumstances have driven us apart, and I can’t tell him the baby is his, I just can’t. He has Elizabeth and her own child to worry about. It would destroy his reputation. He would be called a philanderer.”
“You see, that’s what I’m talking about. Most women in your situation would go straight to the baby’s father and tell him outright that the baby is his and make him do something about it, at least give you some sort of compensation. But not you. You love him enough to worry about how information like that could harm him, and so you do nothing, in order to protect him while doing nothing to help yourself. That’s very noble of you, and I admire you for that.”
“Thank you. I have been worrying about it over the past two months since I found out I was carrying his child, about how I would tell him, if I should tell him, or how to save his reputation, to say nothing of my own.”
“I would like to propose a solution to your dilemma,” he said. I looked over at him curiously. He laid his utensils down and looked straight at me seriously. “Marry me. You could say the baby is mine. I’d keep your secret.”
Once again, I was shocked. My mouth fell open. “Marry you? But I don’t love you. How could you marry someone you knew was in love with someone else and who had not one but two babies?”
“I am aware of the situation and the fact that you’re in love with Ethan. I have already stated that I’ve observed as much. I am willing to live with that.”
“Why would you do that? Why would you want to raise another man’s child?”
“Because I care about you, and I care about Ethan. He’s a good man, and I want to help him out. He need not ever know about this, Madeline. He would not take it well. He would be distraught knowing that he had created yet another problem that he couldn’t solve. He couldn’t marry you when he’s married to Elizabeth. He would not be able to live with the guilt of you raising a child without a husband. He would feel a responsibility to take care of both the baby and you, even more than he already does with you. How could he take care of you both when he’s not married to you? How do you think that would make him feel?”
Tears came to my eyes, thinking about Ethan. I knew everything he said was true. “I know all of that. I have already thought about it. But I don’t love you. What kind of marriage would that be?
“One of convenience. I’m here, unmarried, unattached. I told you earlier that I’d had a wife and child before the war. They were both dead when I came back home, died of consumption. You and I have both lost the ones we love, though in different ways. We could help console each other, or at the very least, keep each other company. You need someone to help you raise this baby, Madeline. It will need a father. Besides all of that, you need protection…from Jefferson or anyone or anything else. Ethan can’t continue protecting you from afar. He’s living a double life of sorts, and it’s wearing him down.”
That was something I had not thought about. Was Ethan living a double life? I hated the thought that I was a burden to him. Telling him about this baby would be even more of a burden. What William said made a lot of sense. His offer was certainly surprising. Perhaps it was just concern or maybe it was because of his concern, it seemed like he cared about me and Ethan a great deal. It was a very noble thing he was volunteering to do.
“What about your reputation? If we got married now, by the time the baby came, everyone would know it’s too soon, that I came into confinement before we got married. They would think we had relations while we were unmarried.”
“Yes, I’m aware of the ramifications and the insinuations that would result. I am willing to bear it, or I wouldn’t have offered.”
I was quiet for some time, mulling it over. It did seem like an agreeable plan, but I didn’t think I could bear to raise Ethan’s child with another man, let alone be married to that other person and him have certain expectations in our marriage. I could not have marital relations with him, not ever. “What else would you…expect…of me?” I asked, articulating slowly, hoping he knew what I meant without going into details.
“Nothing, Madeline. I promise not to touch you if you didn’t want me to. I have no expectations for the marriage other than to save your reputation, Ethan’s sanity, and to give the baby a father.”
“William,” I said softly. “I…I don’t know. I shall have to think about it. Please don’t take offense…it’s a very noble offer. I just need time to think about all of this.”
“I understand completely.” He reached across the table and picked up my hand and squeezed it. “Take your time.”
I thought about it all that night, retiring to my room early. On the one hand, he was a handsome gentleman who had always treated me with respect and wouldn’t be too unpleasant to live with, even though he could be too forward sometimes. He was great with Lillie, had made her that cornhusk doll and helped her when the bee stung her arm, so it seemed he did like children. He was also already living here on the plantation, so if we married, he would either move over to the manor house, into my bedchambers, or else we would have to live in the tenant farm house he was planning to build in the future.
On the other hand, I could not imagine sharing my bedchambers with any man other than Ethan, whom I loved so deeply and who was the father of Lillie and the new little bundle now resting in my belly. How could I share a be
d with another man, no matter how caring, how accommodating, or how attractive he was? No matter how noble his actions were or what he would be giving up in order to marry me.
There was also something to consider with William’s occupation. He was merely a tenant farmer. Would we be allowed to live in this manor house with Jonas and Catherine, who were soon to be married themselves and also Ginny, or would we have to have a house of our own? A real house, not merely a tenant cabin. I couldn’t imagine leaving this home to live in some small one-room cabin with a man I didn’t love and a small baby to take care of. How long would that last before we got on each other’s nerves? Could William afford to build a real house? What if his only motive was to simply get a share of Jonas’ wealth by moving into the manor house and laying claim to me? I didn’t really know him all that well, and yet, I didn’t believe he was deceiving me. Jonas wasn’t all that wealthy, after all, and the plantation would always be his and any offspring he and Catherine produced. It would never come to me, if anything was to happen to Jonas, as homes traditionally were passed through the firstborns and/or through males.
The next day, I pondered whether I should talk to Catherine about it…seek another woman’s opinion. I didn’t think William would mind if I did so.
She, of course, empathized with Ethan’s not being able to raise his own child, but she agreed that William was correct in his assumptions about Ethan worrying and tormenting himself when he couldn’t offer his own solution. She, however, had a plausible idea.
“How about if William tells Ethan what he’s going to do, that he knows the child is Ethan’s, but he has asked you to marry him in order to save Ethan’s reputation and to save him from feeling like he had to be obligated to do something when he couldn’t?”
That seemed like a pretty good idea except that Ethan would not stop worrying about me and the baby. He would not stop being paranoid about William and may not even trust him enough to allow him to raise his own child for him. Ethan would worry that the child would not know who his real father was, and he or she would not inherit the wealth of the Wellingtons – a thought that just occurred to me. I told Catherine what I thought.
“You’re right. He would want the child to have an inheritance and to know he or she was part of the Wellington family. If it were a male, he could inherit Wellington Cross someday. You have to decide for yourself, Madeline. I would love to be able to tell you the right thing to do, but I don’t know what that is. You have to decide what is right for you and your baby and what would make you the happiest, but you have to realize that even if you don’t marry William, you still can’t have Ethan. He’s married to Elizabeth. Also, everyone will wonder who the baby’s father is, whether you marry William or not. Also, if you tell them it’s William’s and then don’t marry him, they will wonder why.”
“So, in other words, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t?”
“Something like that, yes. You have to decide if it’s worth the deception to save Ethan’s reputation and sanity. You also have to consider what Ethan will think if you tell him you had relations with Mr. Brown and became confined with his child, right after leaving Wellington Cross. How will he feel, thinking you jumped straight into the arms of another man when you needed consoling, a stranger you had just met? What did he do when he needed consoling? He came straight to you. Could you live with him thinking you betrayed him so quickly, thinking that you had kissed him the night of the storm even after you were already supposedly confined by another man’s child?”
My eyes started tearing up again. This thinking and analyzing was not doing me any good. I was bound to hurt Ethan either way I chose, whether I agreed to marry William or not. Talking with Catherine really helped me think about all aspects of the problem, but I still was not any closer to an answer. I decided not to think about it anymore for a while. I had another month or so before I started really showing. Then I’d be forced to make a decision because Ethan and everyone else would know I was in confinement.
I told William as much that night after supper. He was a perfect gentleman about the whole thing.
“That’s fine, Madeline. I told you to take your time. I’ll still be here, when you make a decision. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll understand if you decide not to take me up on my offer, so don’t feel guilty about that. You think about what you want for yourself and your baby.”
“Where would we live, William, if I did decide to accept your proposal? Here at the plantation? In the cabin you’re going to build?”
“Wherever you want, Madeline. I’m at your beck and call. As long as Jonas and Catherine don’t mind, we could stay right here in your family’s home. Or if you’d prefer, perhaps I could build us a home someplace close by, something bigger than a cabin. I would never subject you to living in a cabin. Perhaps Jonas would allow me to build something bigger than a cabin on this plantation. I don’t want you to have to worry about not having the things you’re used to, and you’ll also need room for the baby. I also realize you would want to still be close to Ethan and especially Lillie. Whatever you wish, I will do.”
“What about Lillie? Are you accepting of me continuing to take care of her? Are you willing to help take care of two children who are not your own?”
“I am. I’m quite fond of little Lillie. I’ve told you before, I know what I’m getting into, and I’m willing to do it all for you and Ethan.”
“What about your dreams of going to college and becoming a doctor?”
“Perhaps someday I will be able to do that. If not, I’ll just keep studying herbs for my own amusement.”
It seemed he had thought everything through, and was even willing to build a new bigger home if I wanted him to. I didn’t think he could afford to do that, though, and if Jonas was willing, I would prefer to stay here in my family home, perhaps build on if necessary. It was still painful to think about, however…building a life without Ethan.
Chapter 27
The Harvest Ball
The night of the Harvest Ball was two weeks later, and I had decided to allow William to escort me. We were going in a group with Jonas, Catherine, and Ginny – who was going to keep Lillie entertained. I thought that since I may decide to marry William, it would be a good idea for folks to see us together. I didn’t know how Ethan would react to me arriving with William, but I thought he would be okay with it, since he had, in fact, entrusted William enough to stay with me the whole night by ourselves during the hunter’s moon hunting trip. If I did decide to marry William, Ethan would most likely blame himself for putting us together alone like he did. He would have insisted that Jonas had stayed instead. I wondered if it would hurt his friendship with William.
Sambo drove us over to Wellington Cross in Jonas’ big carriage. The plantation was bustling with activity. Loads of carriages were lined up along the long drive as well as over by the coach house. Horses were whinnying and people were laughing and talking. The house was beautifully lit in the darkness with lanterns on top of the brick columns at the gate, and two more by the door, along with bright orange pumpkins. It was dusk, not quite dark yet.
As we approached the manor, I felt like a ghost walking into my past…the happy life I’d had here with Ethan. It didn’t feel right to have William beside me now. I had been both anticipating and dreading this night. I longed to see Ethan again, as I had not seen him much lately since he was busy with the harvesting of cotton. Yet I dreaded seeing him for the mere fact that the baby was starting to show more. I was thankful for the crinoline, for surely no one would notice under all that. I could barely fit into the corset for the ball. What Ethan may notice was my growing bosom and waistline. Other people who had not seen me in over a year might not notice, but the last time I’d seen Ethan, I had just gained my weight back that I’d lost with the heaving. I was even bigger now, at almost 5 months along. Others in the family may notice, as well, including Elizabeth. I didn’t know how I would handle it if anyone asked me about it, as I still had not ma
de a decision as to what I was going to do or how I was going to tell Ethan. Hopefully, no one would deign to ask such a personal question to an unmarried woman.
As we entered the manor, the hall had been cleared of all furniture to allow room for dancing. The sconces on the walls were lit with candles all up and down the hall. I heard musicians playing a lively Irish folk song. They were most likely gathered at the staircase landing up above the dining room. We meandered through the crowd of couples dancing, with very little room due to the ladies’ hooped dresses, into the dining room. The dining table was filled with all manner of food to enjoy. Catherine and I had brought over some stew and apple dumplings, and we placed them on the table, as well as extra dishes to use. The sideboard was filled with beverages and desserts, and William and I headed there. I had some tea while William got a shot of whiskey.
Clarissa came into the dining room and greeted us. “Oh, Madeline! Just look at you!” She gave me a hug. “You are looking more beautiful every day. That brother of yours must be taking good care of you.”
“Yes, and your sister, as well. She has been a dear to me.”
Clarissa began fussing over my dress of satiny deep green, the same one I had worn my last night here at this plantation, the one Ethan had purchased on our honeymoon. Ethan had always liked seeing me wear it, saying it brought out the green in my eyes. The Wellingtons had seen it the last night I was here, but this time I was filling it out differently, my breasts barely fitting in it. I’d had to take the seams apart and add a little more material, which I cut from a discreet panel in the yards of material at the bottom of the dress. I also wore the Wellington Cross Celtic necklace.
Catherine came up to us, and the two sisters began conversing about how lovely the house looked. Ginny had already gone upstairs to entertain Lillie.