by Lane, Cheryl
After eating little and helping Catherine clean up the dining room and kitchen, I took a walk out to the family graveyard where my father had been buried after coming home in a box, and where Clarissa and I had buried my mother during the war. My grandparents on my father’s side were buried here, as well. I laid some camellias I had picked on top of their graves and knelt down on my knees, looking at their names and dates, rubbing my fingers across the cold stone. I missed them. How I wish my mother was here to advise me what to do. This was a decision I would have to make on my own. Neither of them would be able to see this new grandchild, the same as they never got to see Lillie. Tears spilled out and tickled my cheeks.
I walked back to the plantation slowly and went straight into the parlor to play the piano. I played sad, mournful tunes, for I was in a melancholy mood. The others stayed away, perhaps sensing my mood. I wanted time alone to think. I couldn’t help thinking about my unborn child and its future, as well as my own future and impending marriage to William. I didn’t want my child to be born a bastard, so I had to be married before it was born…before March, perhaps in January or February. Yet I did not relish the idea of a masquerade marriage. Was this really any better than marrying Jefferson? I knew that it was, however. I had my memories now, had spent some wonderful times with the man I loved, and had two children to love and care for. Of course it was better than marrying Jefferson.
Nevertheless, I wanted Ethan. I couldn’t stop thinking about him or the consequences of me marrying William when I did not love him. I could not imagine sharing this baby with William, couldn’t imagine the two of us being happy about the baby’s first steps, the way Ethan and I had been in the attic that hot day when Lillie took hers. I also thought about William and what he would be giving up if he married me…love, marital relations, and his own future children, as I would not have relations with him; therefore, he would have no children of his own. How did one decide to turn off all his feelings, to risk happiness, in order to help someone out that they barely knew? Someone who still longed to be with another person?
I began to play Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”, the song that I had been playing while kissing Ethan. It seemed like so long ago. I began weeping softly, tears streaming down my face, thinking about him…longing for him. I felt the baby move inside me, which made me miss him all them more.
My thoughts and playing were interrupted when William came into the room. He stood in the doorway watching me. I stopped playing and wiped my eyes.
“Don’t let me interrupt you. Please, continue playing,” he said. “Do you mind if I stay and listen?”
I nodded my consent and continued playing the piece slowly, methodically, trying to push Ethan out of my mind but failing. I could almost feel Ethan moving my hair off my neck, kissing my earlobe, my neck, my chin, my mouth…I had to stop this; I was only torturing myself. I swallowed hard and looked over at William, who was staring at me, seemingly mesmerized. I’m sure he had no idea what I had been thinking; if he did, he would surely blush or turn away. I slowly ended the movement, and then got up and went over to sit in a chair near William. He pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to me.
“Thank you,” I said, dabbing the remains of tears from my eyes.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
No, of course not, I thought. “I’ll be fine, just feeling moody. It must be the confinement.”
“Oh,” he said. “You didn’t eat much. Are you feeling all right? You’re not queasy, are you? I could get you some ginger tea if you are.”
“No, no. No queasiness. But thank you for the offer.” He was so sweet and kind to me. I supposed I should consider myself lucky to have two wonderful men that cared about me. If only I could turn my thoughts and feelings off of Ethan and pour them into William. If I cared half as much about William as I did Ethan, perhaps I wouldn’t have those bad dreams, and I wouldn’t miss Ethan so much. As it were, however, I could not stop thinking about Ethan. I had not seen him much in the past couple of months, and so it felt like, to me, he had already gotten over me. Especially after I told him I was having William’s baby. That only saddened me more.
“Are you not happy, Madeline? I know I’m not the one you want to marry, but I promise to be good to you and your baby. What can I do to make you happy?”
“I…I honestly don’t know. I apologize. It’s nothing personal, William. You are a wonderful person; you’ve been so kind to me. It’s just…I’m having a hard time putting Ethan out of my mind.”
“You’ll never put him out of your mind, Madeline. I wouldn’t expect you to. You have two children together, so you will always be connected to each other. I told you this was a marriage of convenience, nothing more. I don’t expect you to love me.” He stood up and patted my shoulder. “Perhaps you should tell him the truth.”
“You really think so?”
“I’ll go along with whatever you decide to do, whatever will make you happy.”
He kissed the top of my head then and left me with my thoughts.
That evening, we had leftovers of turkey sandwiches and some pie. I was in the kitchen cleaning up, having told Catherine to stay put and spend time with my brother. I heard a noise just outside the kitchen door. I looked out the window, and in the gathering darkness, was surprised to see a figure of a man, sneaking about, looking all around him. He even came up to the same window that I was looking out of. I gasped and quickly moved to the side flat against the wall, in hopes he didn’t see me. The sun had just gone down, so it was too dark to tell who it was. There were only two lanterns lit to see by as well as the fire in the cooking fireplace.
Suddenly, I heard the noise of a doorknob being turned, and I quickly got under the long cooking table. I didn’t know why I was frightened, but I felt very uneasy, like I was in danger. A few long moments later, I felt a hand touch my back. I jumped and cried out, hitting the top of my head on the table.
“What are you doing under there?” I heard William ask. Relief filled me.
I climbed out from under the table, rubbing my head.
“Are you all right? I’m sorry if I startled you.”
“Yes, I’m fine. Were you just now outside the kitchen, looking around out there?” I pointed out the window where I had seen the figure.
“No, I came from this door.” He motioned behind him. “I haven’t been on that side of the kitchen. Why?”
“Some man was just outside, sneaking around and peeking in the windows.”
He went on alert. He looked out the window where I had pointed. “Come back to the manor with me, where you’ll be safe,” he commanded.
I grabbed one of the oil lanterns and walked across the darkening courtyard, holding onto his arm tightly. Once we reached the manor, I waited in the parlor while William got a shotgun and headed out the carriage-front door.
He came back a short time later, saying he couldn’t find anyone. It was a strange thing, and I began to wonder who it was. It’s possible it could have been Ethan, but that was doubtful. He hadn’t snuck around this plantation since the war when the Yankees were here. Could it have been Jefferson? He did know where I lived, so it was possible. How I wish he’d leave me alone. I was grateful to have William as a protector. He was every bit as brave as Ethan.
A week later, on December 4, there was a celebration of the “First Thanksgiving” at Wellington Cross. It commemorated the time when some of the first English settlers came to this land from England in the 1600s. When they stepped foot on land, they thanked God for their safe journey. This was celebrated with all the local plantation owners, farmers, and others living nearby with a big festival down by the river.
The five of us arrived together at the busy plantation. We headed to the riverfront area where tents were set up, and people were talking. This festival was held outdoors, and thankfully, the weather cooperated, being chilly but nonetheless dry. There were hand puppet shows and colonial games for the children, and adults were taught various folk
dances. There was also a fair amount of matchmaking going on between the younger adults, with the girls giggling and the boys showing off their various skills. The food was set up inside in the dining room, which most people took outside to eat on borrowed china. The table was filled with turkey, Virginia ham, fresh fish, oysters, candied yams, various squash, and cabbages. The desserts included pumpkin pies, pecan pies and Catherine and I made an apple pie and a Virginia pound cake.
William and I got plates of food on chipped china and took them to the big open grassy area down the hill near the river. It was a long way to go in my condition, but William helped me make it down. We received many stares and whispered murmurs, which I tried hard to ignore. It seemed people were avoiding me. Even Hannah said hello but then kept on walking. She must have heard about my condition. We sat down to eat on a blanket William had brought. Catherine, Ginny, and Jonas joined us shortly. I ate very little, as I did not have much of an appetite, my stomach once again being too upset. This time it was because I was nervous about seeing Ethan and telling him about his father.
There were black musicians playing violins, a banjo, and an accordion across a small pond on a grassy area directly in front of the river. Many people were milling about, eating and talking, some sitting like us. I spotted Ethan and Elizabeth, who were on the dock greeting guests who arrived by boat. My heart stopped. It had been so long since I’d seen him. He and Elizabeth were talking with Hannah’s mother and father. They continued talking, and suddenly Ethan looked over at me, as I was looking at him. I had not seen him since the harvest ball, when he left me alone in the woods by the river, the night I told him I was having William’s baby and that we were betrothed. I regretted telling him now. The look on his face conveyed all the hurt I had caused him. He turned his back to me. It was obvious he wanted nothing to do with me. Yet somehow I had to get him alone so I could tell him about the dream I’d had and the memory of what I’d found in his father’s study.
Ginny found some of her friends, and they wandered off. Jonas and Catherine took a walk down by the river, so William and I were left alone lounging on the blanket, casually talking. I ate some ham and bread. I felt somewhat more comfortable around William now than I had before, as we were slowly getting to know one another. He seemed to be looking out for my best interests and stressed that he expected nothing from me, so I tried not to worry so much, tried to feel better about the whole thing.
We talked about each other’s pasts. I found out that William and his first wife Rachel had a girl named Emily, who was only three months old when he had to go off to war. He never saw either of them again. He also told me about his mother and father and his life growing up. They had both died, his mother of pneumonia, and his father suffered a fatal shot during the war.
“Do you still miss your family?”
“Every day. I have nightmares sometimes, at times about the war, other times about my Rachel or Emily.”
“I’m sorry. That must be hard for you.”
He nodded. “I have a dream catcher that’s supposed to help with that, but sometimes it doesn’t.”
“What’s that?”
“My Cherokee friend taught me how to make them. It looks like a spider web inside a circle, which is supposed to catch your bad dreams before they get to you. They’re decorated with feathers and beads and such.”
“That sounds lovely. I could use one of those.”
“You have nightmares, Madeline?”
“Sometimes, yes.” I didn’t tell him what they were about and he didn’t ask.
He changed the subject. “What about you? Did you lose any family during the war?”
“Yes.” I told him about losing my father and mother, burying them both, and about Jonas losing his beau. I talked about growing up on the plantation and following Jonas and Ethan around even at a young age.
“You’ve basically loved him your whole life, haven’t you?” he observed.
“Yes,” I said quietly.
“It’s funny how quickly life can change,” he said. It was true. In the blink of an eye, I had lost my memory, and everything changed. I lost my husband and my baby. In another blink of the eye, we had consummated our love and created a new life unexpectedly. And then once again, things changed quickly when Elizabeth had her accident and was found to be with child, forcing me to lose Ethan. Life truly did change quickly sometimes.
We sat quietly for a few moments, and then William pulled out his harmonica and started playing “Dixie”. I had heard him play on his harmonica before, usually from the bachelor’s quarters, never inside the manor.
“How long have you been playing?” I asked him after he stopped the song.
“I started playing it when I was a boy but dropped it as I got older until I went off to war. I started playing again to help the time pass, and it helped keep the other soldiers entertained and their minds off the war, if only for a short time.”
“You should have entertained us all the night of the big storm.”
“Well, the harmonica had been over in the bachelor’s quarters so I couldn’t. I suppose I could have trudged through all the rain and wind for the sake of some entertainment.” He laughed, as did I. “I thought we did pretty well entertaining ourselves that evening, don’t you?”
I wondered what he meant by that. Could he have known about Ethan and me kissing that night? Surely not. I simply smiled and nodded my head. That had indeed been an entertaining night. I’d probably never get to kiss Ethan again. He probably didn’t miss me anymore.
William talked more about herbs and natural remedies. “There’s a balm I could make for you to rub on your abdomen every day to help prevent stretch marks, if you’d like.”
“That would be very nice. I’d like that.”
“It’s made with animal fat mixed with lavender and chamomile.”
Clarissa came over with Lillie and we talked for a while, as William wandered around talking with some acquaintances. He came back shortly after with another cup of tea for me. That was very thoughtful of him. Clarissa left Lillie with us for a short while, and William gave her an Indian head penny to look at and play with. I had to give it back to William when she tried to stick it in her mouth. He insisted I keep it for her until she was old enough not to stick it in her mouth.
Clarissa took Lillie back over to her family when some Chickahominy Indian dancers came out and performed. Jonas and Catherine came back to watch on the blanket. I was mesmerized, thinking about how much these people had lost when the first settlers came across the ocean to this new land. They’d lost their homes, their freedom. I could relate to them, and I felt tears well up in my eyes. They had lost many things, and yet still they danced. I knew I would have to do the same. Even though I was about to do something I was not happy about, and losing my own freedom, so to speak – the freedom to be with the one I loved – I could still go on…and dance.
During the performance, I felt eyes on me. I turned and saw Ethan looking at me, whose eyes lingered on mine before turning back onto the Indians once again.
The celebration began to dwindle down, and I searched for an opportunity to talk to Ethan alone. I finally saw it when Elizabeth walked past us up toward the manor with two friends, chatting amicably. I told William I needed to talk to Ethan for a moment, and he nodded.
I walked over to Ethan, who was smoking a pipe with his father and two other nearby plantation owners. I looked at Edward uncomfortably, and he did the same at me. “Begging your pardon, Mr. Wellington,” I addressed Ethan formally, politely. “I was wondering if I might have a word with you in private.”
Ethan looked at me indifferently, expressionless. “Yes, of course,” he said stiffly, handing his pipe to his father and getting up off the ground.
We strolled down to the river’s edge where a couple of children were playing, skipping rocks. It was as secluded a place as I would get.
“What is it, Madeline?” he asked wearily, almost impatiently, which made me nervous
.
“I…I just wanted to tell you about a dream I had recently, which made me remember something I had forgotten.”
“Oh? What is it?” he asked, a little more curious now. I could smell the familiar tobacco on his warm breath, which made me homesick.
How did I proceed? How did I tell Ethan that his father was a traitor? “Ethan, I think your father was a traitor during the war,” I blurted out.
“What makes you think that?” He seemed a little surprised but not shocked.
I told him about the day in the master study and what I had found.
Ethan shifted his feet and looked down at the ground briefly. “No, you have it wrong. He was a spy for the South during the war. That’s why he had the Union coat. He kept it as a keepsake.”
“But what about the telegraphs and communications between him and Grant? Did you find the one I stuck in the book for you that day?”
“Yes, I saw it. Again, that was part of him being a spy. He wasn’t a traitor, Madeline. I know my father. He’s a good man. He helped the South a lot during the war. Remember, he turned Jeff Banks in.”
I still wasn’t sure if I believed Edward was innocent, but I figured I would leave it alone for now. At least Ethan was aware of the Union jacket and papers.
“Is there anything else?” he asked me.
“I…well, I feel I should apologize again for what happened at the harvest ball.”
He was silent, not looking at me. He simply nodded. I knew he was still upset with me. Should I tell him the truth, that he was my baby’s father, as now three people had advised me? Should I tell him that I had not been with another man besides him? That I had not been unfaithful to him?
“About that night…”