by Lane, Cheryl
Unfortunately, I was interrupted by Elizabeth. “Ethan, there you are,” she said. She was walking towards us with William. “Madeline,” she acknowledged me with a sickly sweet smile. I was disappointed. I had hoped Elizabeth would stay with her friends long enough for me to talk with Ethan for a bit. I supposed William followed her in preparation to defend me if needed. Unfortunately, our conversation ended, and I left the plantation with William shortly thereafter.
Chapter 30
The Truth
A couple of weeks later, I decided to tell Ethan the truth. I kept thinking about what Jonas told me, that Ethan had a right to know, to decide for himself what to do. At the very least, Ethan deserved to know the truth so that he could be involved in his child’s life at least partially, the same way I was involved in Lillie’s life partially. I realized that if I didn’t tell him the truth, this child would be deprived of an inheritance, especially if it were a boy. It seemed selfish of me. Besides, I didn’t think I could lie by writing down anyone else’s name as being the baby’s father on the birth record, nor did I want to leave it blank.
So when Clarissa dropped Lillie off a week before Christmas, I asked her to have Ethan come back to get Lillie in the late afternoon, as I needed to talk with him. She agreed to tell him. She along with Catherine and Ginny had Sambo take them by carriage into the marketplace to do some shopping for Christmas. I declined going with them, since I wasn’t feeling in the Christmas mood, and I wanted to be there to talk with Ethan later. I had to stay focused on what I was going to say and how I was going to say it.
The day was spent inside doing chores. There wasn’t much to do in the garden anymore since it had turned cold and the days were shorter. I did try to take Lillie for a walk every day for some fresh air, weather permitting. We were dusting the master study when Lillie suddenly squealed with delight. I looked out the window to see Ethan’s carriage in the drive and Ethan walking up to the carriage-front porch.
I greeted him at the door. “Hello, Ethan,” I said, smiling tentatively. He instantly took my breath. His beard was longer than usual, as was his hair, and his eyes had dark circles under them, but he was still devastatingly handsome in his rugged state.
“Madeline,” he greeted me, not returning my smile, not even taking my hand to kiss for a proper greeting. It was an awkward moment. I felt deflated, but I hoped to change his mood very soon.
Lillie tugged on the legs of his trousers, saying, “Dada, dada.” He smiled at her and picked her up, giving her a big kiss on the cheek. She giggled and wiped her face. His beard must have tickled her when he kissed her. How I wished I could get tickled by those whiskers again.
“How’s my girl?” he asked her. She said something non-intelligible, and we both laughed. It felt good to laugh with him. “Mother said you wanted to speak to me,” he said, looking at me again, still holding Lillie. His smile had disappeared.
“Yes. Shall we go into the parlor?”
He followed me back to the parlor where the piano was. I sat down on the sofa, and Ethan sat down on a nearby chair, putting Lillie on the floor. She toddled over to the piano and began playing random keys softly.
“How are you, Madeline? You look like you’ve lost weight again. Is your…baby…is everything all right?”
It was true; I had lost some weight, except for the baby bump, which had gotten larger. I worried so much over not wanting to marry William and over lying to Ethan that I didn’t eat well enough or sleep well enough. I was also still having those dreams almost every night, despite William giving me chamomile tea before going to bed and making me a dream catcher of my own. “We’re fine, though I have not been eating or sleeping as well as I should.”
“Why? Aren’t you happy?”
Of course I wasn’t happy. How could I be, when I couldn’t be with the one I loved? Couldn’t stop thinking about him or longing to be with him, wanting to share my confinement with him, share the baby’s progress with him.
“No,” I said softly. “Not at all. I…I have something I feel I should tell you…something I should have told you months ago.” It was time to tell him the truth about the baby being his. I began feeling anxious, and my heart beat faster. This seemed to cause the baby to stir, and I felt it move. “Oh,” I said, putting my hand over my lower abdomen.
“Are you all right?” Ethan asked.
“I just felt the baby move,” I said. I looked at him intently. “Feel,” I said. I stood up and walked over in front of Ethan and took his hand and placed it on my abdomen where the baby was moving. I was not wearing a crinoline today, so he would’ve been able to feel the baby easy enough.
“Madeline, I shouldn’t,” he objected. He tried to move his hand away, but I placed it back on there during another movement across my abdomen. He looked at my abdomen and then at me.
“I remember Lillie doing that,” he said, softly, letting his hand drop away from my abdomen. “That must feel weird to you.”
I nodded. “Weird and wonderful.” I braced myself, sat down in the chair right next to Ethan and then whispered, “Ethan…it’s yours.”
“What?” he said, his eyes quick on mine.
“The baby is yours, not William’s,” I said.
“But…how do you know?”
“Because I never had relations with William, or anyone else except for you.”
“You mean you lied to me? Why? How could you…how could you do that?”
“I was ambushed at the harvest ball by Elizabeth. What could I say in front of all those people? You’re married to her. I didn’t want you to be embarrassed in your own home.”
“You could have told the truth. Everyone knew you and I were married before. You could have at least told me the truth down by the river.” He was understandably angry. “What did William think of what you said, about the baby being his? Are you really planning to marry him?”
“It was his idea…he volunteered to marry me and lie about the baby being his.”
“Oh, I see now. He’s fallen in love with you and talked you into marrying him and deceiving me.”
“No, it made sense to me. We did this for you, Ethan…to save your reputation. Everyone would call you a philanderer. No one would want to do business with you. You might even lose friends. Besides, how could I tell you I was having your child when you were already married to Elizabeth and expecting another child with her? You gave me up to be with her because of that child. I didn’t think I had the right to force you into choosing me instead, abandoning that child, just because I was also with child. It was wrong of me to lie, and it broke my heart to do so, but I did it for you.”
He stood up and started pacing the room, running his hands nervously through his hair. Lillie was still playing softly on the piano, occasionally playing a note or two loudly, to draw attention to her. I smiled at her briefly and then continued to watch Ethan pace.
“I know there’s nothing you can do for this baby, Ethan. I just wanted you to know. It’s been killing me, lying to you. I can still marry William.”
He paused and glared at me and then went back to pacing. Lillie started banging on the piano loudly, and Ethan shouted, “Lillie, please stop!” Her lower lip puckered, and he immediately apologized and went over and picked her up. He held her while continuing to pace. “How am I supposed to live, knowing you have my baby over here, taking care of it without me? Am I supposed to just let William pretend to be the father? You’ve really got me in a tight spot.”
“Me? You were the one who wanted to have relations with me that day back in June, after finding out your precious Elizabeth was having your baby,” I spat back.
He went ghostly white. “I didn’t mean it that way,” he said. He stopped pacing and looked at me, his face softened. “I told you I didn’t regret that, and I never will. Even though it has resulted with…unexpected circumstances.”
“I don’t regret it either, Ethan,” I said softly. “I have a precious life inside of me now that is part of you.
I cherish this. Since I cannot be with you, then this is the next best thing…having your child. No one but us need know that you’re the father, if that is what you wish. You have your reputation to consider. Mine has already gone with the wind. I care not.”
He put Lillie down on the floor. “I don’t know if I can live like that.”
I felt another tug on my belly. “Oh, the baby’s moving again,” I said.
Ethan came over and knelt in front of me, putting his hand on my abdomen again. I could feel his warm hand through my clothing. He looked up at me and smiled for the first time since he arrived. His eyes became watery. “My baby?” he asked.
I nodded. “Our baby,” I said, smiling back at him.
He caressed my cheek and placed a light kiss there, tickling my face with his whiskers, making me giggle. “I must go now,” he said. “I have much to consider.”
He picked Lillie up to leave, and then turned to me again. “Please, eat more and try to get some rest…for our baby. Maybe you’ll rest easier, now that you’ve told me the truth.” He smiled faintly. “I’ll come back tomorrow, and we’ll talk more.”
Chapter 31
Conversations of Love
The next day, Ethan came at dinner time with Lillie and stayed the whole afternoon with us. It was an unusually warm December day, so after eating, we took a stroll outside. Ethan wanted to talk in seclusion, so we walked around the new wheat fields to the woods, over near what used to be the slaves quarters. We pushed Lillie in the carriage, which Ethan had brought with him. He still insisted that I wear a cape and bonnet, even though it wasn’t that cold outside.
As we walked, we talked. Ethan had a lot of questions.
“What is your date of confinement?”
“Sometime in March, most likely the second week.”
“Have you seen Doc Parsons?”
“Yes. He confirmed the baby back in August, and he has come by to see me once a month since then.”
“Is the baby growing normally?”
“Yes, as far as he can tell.”
“You need to eat better, Madeline. You’re eating for two. Will you promise me to eat better, or do I have to come over here and spoon-feed you myself?” We both smiled at his teasing.
“Yes, I promise to eat better.”
“Have you had any more heaving?”
“No, not since October.”
“Are you getting plenty of rest? Are you taking naps? You should nap when Lillie takes a nap.”
“Sometimes I do, not always. I’ll try and do better with that,” I promised.
He reached for my hand and held it as we walked further. I looked at him and smiled, my heart thumping inside. I knew then that I had made the right decision by telling him. I didn’t know what our future held, but as long as he was holding my hand, I knew he had forgiven me for lying to him. I wouldn’t worry about any of it for now. I would cherish this time we had together, this closeness.
“Don’t do any strenuous work. You’re not, are you?”
“No, William saw to that…” I drifted off, not completing that train of thought. I looked away from him.
“That’s good,” he said. “Madeline…” He stopped walking and turned me to face him. “I understand why you lied to me. I’m not happy about it, and what you lied about troubled my heart, but I do understand. I thank you for being more concerned about me than you are about yourself. That touches me…that you’d go through all of this for me. That you would raise a child with another man who was not the child’s father.”
“I’d do anything for you, Ethan.”
“You really don’t love him?”
“No, I really don’t. I have never loved another man but you,” I said softly, my eyes boring into his, begging him to see the truth in them.
He must have, for he drew himself towards me and kissed me softly on the lips. My heart went crazy inside, and the baby started kicking. He must have felt it, for he bent down to place a light kiss on my lower belly where the baby lay inside. He straightened up again and kissed my lips again, which I returned fervently, and we wrapped our arms around each other tightly, everything else forgotten for a moment, everything but our sweet love for each other.
Lillie squealed out abruptly, causing us to come back to reality. “Go!” she said loudly. She was protesting that we had stopped pushing the carriage.
“Okay, Lillie,” Ethan said. “Give us a minute, will you?” He grinned at me. He held onto one of my hands and with his other hand caressed my face, seemingly mesmerized by every inch of it. He gazed intently into my eyes. “I love you so, Maddie,” he whispered. “And I love that you are carrying my baby inside of you.” He glanced at Lillie. “Another one.”
“I love you, too, Ethan. More than I could ever convey.”
We kissed again, his hands cupping my cheeks. I felt wetness on my cheeks and realized I had tears. He must have realized it, too, for he stopped kissing me.
“Maddie, why are you crying?”
“I’m just so happy that you’re not angry with me.”
“Oh, my sweet Maddie,” he said, enveloping me in his arms.
My tears turned sad, and I shook in his arms. He whispered soothing words to comfort me.
“I never want this to end, Ethan. Why can’t we just be together? Why does it have to be like this?”
“Let’s not think about that right now, shall we? Let’s just enjoy each other for the day.”
I stopped crying, and nodded my head. “I apologize. I cry more easily these days,” I said, smiling as he wiped tears off my face. “I have missed you so much,” I said. “You haven’t been here in so long, and then you were mad and hurt…” I trailed off.
“I have missed you, too.” He kissed me again to prove how much he missed me, leaving me breathless.
Lillie squealed out in delight, interrupting us again. We reluctantly turned toward her and saw that she was pointing at a deer over by the woods. It was standing very still, ears pointed up. Lillie said, “That!” pointing again at the deer, and it ran off into the woods.
Ethan and I started walking again and held hands, pushing Lillie’s carriage. We reached the old slave quarters close to the family graveyard and headed into the woods. We found a fallen tree to sit on, and Ethan let Lillie get out of the carriage to explore a bit.
“So, how did you manage to get away from Elizabeth for the whole day?”
“She doesn’t know I’m staying here the whole day. She thinks I’m at the marketplace. Can I borrow something to take home with me, so she won’t think I was lying?”
“I could give you some of my herbs. Most of them are gone now, but I still have some oregano and peppermint hanging on.”
“Perfect.”
I smelled the pine and cedar trees all around us. The cedar trees had tiny little blue berries on them. “You could also take her some camellias,” I said. “I found some when digging out some honeysuckle over by the grape arbor. I pruned it, and it is blooming nicely now.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“I told you before, Ethan. I would do anything for you.”
“You are so loving and so devoted. I don’t deserve you.” His lips were on mine again. He was spoiling me with all the kisses. It seemed like he was making up for lost time.
We watched Lillie hide behind bushes and then peek out at us, shouting, “Boo!” We laughed and played along, acting silly.
“Her hair is getting more like yours every day,” Ethan said. “Long golden-brown curls.” I smiled. It was good to be able to talk about our child and share stories. I hoped we could do the same with our next child.
I told Ethan about how William had been helping me with my symptoms with his herbal remedies…the ginger tea for nausea, chamomile tea to help with better sleep, and the ointment for stretch marks. He frowned slightly. I also told him about the dreams I had been having and William making a dream catcher for me, but it wasn’t working, as I’d still been waking up screaming for him.
“Oh, sweetheart, how terrible for you.” He hugged me and kissed the top of my head.
“I didn’t have one last night,” I told him. “First time in weeks.”
He smiled. “I’m glad. So telling me the truth yesterday truly helped you to feel better?”
“It did.”
He told me he didn’t like the part of William pulling me away from him. “Has he ever shown any sign of aggression towards you?”
“No, not at all. He’s been very helpful and very accommodating. As I started to say earlier, he asked me not to do any heavy gardening besides pulling weeds, not to climb anything to reach something tall, like picking apples or pecans off the trees, and he washes the dishes sometimes for me.””
He frowned again. “This is worse than I thought. He has grown an attachment to you.”
“Well, yes, so to speak. He did ask me to marry him.”
“I thought it was just for show? Not a real marriage.”
“That is true. It would be just out of convenience, nothing more. I already told you I don’t love him.”
“Ah, but I think he loves you.”
His observation stunned me. It was my turn to frown. “He couldn’t.”
“I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I honestly think he does. I don’t think I could bear it if you married him and he tried to kiss you, or worse, if you started falling in love with him. Not to mention that he would be helping you to raise my baby.”
“Now you see how I feel,” I said. “It has been the same for me, watching you and Elizabeth together, the way she looks at you, imagining the two of your on your wedding night, the baby that she now carries, and her helping to take care of our Lillie.”
Realization hit him. “You’re right. I see your point of view now, which I had not seen before. I broke your heart when I chose her over you, I realize that. If you choose to marry William, it will break my heart, as well, so I suppose we will be on even ground then.”
“He protected me on Thanksgiving.” I told him about the man I saw sneaking around the kitchen. “Was it you? Did you drop by to see me that day?”