by Lane, Cheryl
“No. This worries me. It may have been Jeff. Please be careful.”
“I will, I promise.”
“Let’s get out of these woods,” he said worriedly. “Why don’t you show me what you’ve done with your herbs and the grape arbor?”
He picked Lillie up and twirled her around in the air on his shoulders, to which she squealed in delight. He placed her back in the carriage, and then reached for my hand as we made our way back across the empty field. We swung our arms back and forth playfully while we walked.
We reached the laundry house and walked around to the back where the grape arbor was. “This looks beautiful, Maddie,” Ethan said. There were still some roses blooming, and English ivy reached and grew in and around the roses and spilled over the bricks. I showed him my herb garden directly behind the laundry house, where the peppermint, oregano, and lavender were still alive and growing. I rubbed my hand over the lavender, which smelled wonderful, and I put my hand in front of Ethan’s nose to smell also.
“Mm, I never get tired of that smell,” he said. “Especially when it’s on you.” He suddenly put his nose in my neck and took an exaggerated whiff above the collar of my blouse. His beard tickled my neck, and I squealed and laughed out loud, which caused him to kiss all up and down my neck in quick successions playfully, making loud kissing noises. His beard still tickled me, and I was laughing so hard, I started getting tears. He stopped then, took me in his arms, rubbed his thumb across my cheek softly, and kissed me deeply. “I love to hear you laugh like that,” he said after the kiss.
“Only you can make me laugh like that,” I said, smiling.
Lillie wanted back out of the carriage and made her wishes known by banging her hands on the side noisily and saying, “Out!”
“Yes, ma’am,” her father said. He took her out of her carriage again, and I showed Ethan the deep pink camellias on the other side of the grape arbor. “It’s amazing that something this beautiful can survive all the weeds and neglect. You did well to bring it back to life like you did.”
“Thank you.” We sat down on the bench under the grape arbor. The vines were all dried up but still hanging on, twisted over and under the branches I had labored over in the summer.
“How many grapes did you get this year?”
“Not too many, just enough to enjoy ourselves a little. We had to get them quick before the birds got to them. Hopefully there will be more next year. Do you remember how pretty the vines used to be? They covered the whole arbor.”
“Yes, I do remember. Was the arbor still here, after the war?”
“No, we had to burn that in the winter right before the war ended. I built this myself, when I first came back here in June.”
“You did all this yourself? With your own two hands?” he asked in a dramatic surprised gesture, teasing me again.
“Yes, with my own two hands,” I teased back. I didn’t mention that William had helped me a little. “I had to do something when I got here to take my mind off of you,” I said, more seriously. “It didn’t work, though. I’ve never stopped thinking about you.”
He leaned over and kissed me slowly and sweetly. “Nor have I, you,” he said softly.
Lillie started chasing a stray cat around the bushes, walking at first, then she got down and started crawling, mimicking the cat walking on all four legs. We could hear her talk to it in her own language in a hushed voice.
“Do you remember proposing to me here?” I asked Ethan.
“Of course I remember. That was one of the happiest days of my life, despite being in the middle of the war.”
“Mine, too. That was the first night we spent in each other’s arms. It was wonderful, even if your mother was there in the same room with us.” We both smiled at the memory. I almost wished we could go back in time to that moment again and erase all the bad things that had happened to us in between. Keep the good parts and skip the bad parts. I still wished I could remember my accident, the thing that started this whole mess.
Lillie got tired of the cat and walked over to us, reaching to be picked up. I picked her up and held her sideways, rocking and humming to her. “It’s her naptime,” I told Ethan. He watched as I hummed and rocked her to sleep, and he began rubbing my back, which felt wonderful. Once Lillie was asleep, he picked her up and put her back in the carriage. I covered her up with a warm fuzzy blanket, yawning in the process.
“Have we done too much walking, Maddie? Is the baby okay?” He put his hand on my abdomen as he spoke.
“Yes, the baby is fine,” I said. “I’m just a little tired, no need to fuss over me. But I would love another back rub. You have some mighty fine hands there.”
“Oh, you enjoyed that, did you?”
“Mhmm.”
Ethan turned me to face away from him, and he began rubbing my neck and shoulders, working his way down my back. I leaned forward slightly so he could reach better. I closed my eyes, enjoying his touch and wishing I didn’t have the cape on so I could feel his hands even more. But as it was, I was still getting cold chills from the massaging. While still massaging, I felt his warm breath in my ear as he asked me, “Would you like to nap, as well?”
“Not on this hard bench,” I said, turning my head towards him and wrinkling up my nose.
“No, silly. On the ground. Allow me to demonstrate.”
He stood up and took off his overcoat and laid it on the ground up against a thick tree trunk nearby. He sat down on the top part of the overcoat, and patted the rest of the coat for me to sit down on.
“In this hoop?” I asked. He laughed. I looked around, and seeing no one else around, I reached up under my skirt and untied the crinoline, taking it off and folding it up, leaning it against the bench.
“This is highly scandalous,” he said, grinning as I sat down between his legs and leaned my back against his chest. I laughed at him. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I could hear him sniffing my hair. “Mm, this is nice.”
It was nice. It was actually almost too nice, too close. I began to feel yearnings for him, and as he caressed my abdomen softly, the urge increased.
“I don’t think I can sleep,” I whispered, turning my head sideways towards him. Not only did I have yearnings for him, making it hard for me to sleep, but I also didn’t want to sleep because I wanted to be awake and enjoy all the time I had with him while he was here.
He kissed my cheek. “Come on, at least close your eyes. You need to rest,” he said very softly.
He took my bonnet off and then took the hair net off of my hair and the pins out to let my hair down. He smoothed it out down my back and brought some in the front to rest on my chest. Playing with my hair was making me want to kiss him instead of going to sleep. He kissed the top my head, letting his lips linger there. I could feel his warm breath through my hair.
“How can I sleep when I’m this close to you?” I asked, turning my head sideways again.
I shifted my body around more so I could look at him, and draped my legs across one of his. He slowly leaned towards me, and we kissed passionately. My heart did flips inside of me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held me tightly against him.
After a few moments of bliss, I stopped kissing him, knowing that if we continued, we would have relations right there on the ground…on top of his overcoat. I looked at him breathlessly and caressed his face, regaining my composure. He did the same.
“I love you so, Maddie,” he whispered.
“And I love you, Ethan.”
He patted his chest. “Come on, naptime,” he coaxed.
“Oh, all right,” I conceded. I turned my body back to the front, my legs between his again. “Aren’t you cold without your overcoat? You’ll catch a cold.”
“Nonsense. You keep me plenty warm. Those kisses warmed me up good.” I laughed. “Now, come on. Close your eyes,” he said. He wrapped his arms around my waist again and rubbed my lower abdomen where the baby was.
“Ethan, I’d rather just spend
time with you than sleep. I’ll miss out on more time with you,” I said, turning my head towards him again.
“I’ll be here the whole time. Come on, you want to make me happy, don’t you?” I nodded. “Do it for me…for our baby.”
I sighed and leaned my head back against his chest, closing my eyes. I thought about how wonderful it was to be in his arms, when I thought he’d never hold me again. I laid my arms on top of his and held his hands, interlocking our fingers. He nestled his head against mine. I didn’t know if I could sleep, but I closed my eyes to at least try, since it meant so much to him. The air was cool but not too cold, and his arms kept me warm. All was quiet except for the chirp of a cardinal nearby.
I must have dozed. I awoke with a start, happy to still be in Ethan’s arms.
“Hey, sleepyhead. Did you enjoy your nap?” he asked me. I could feel his warm breath on my ear, and he kissed my ear softly.
“Mm. I like waking up in your arms.”
“Me, too.”
“How long did I sleep?”
“Maybe an hour. I dozed a little myself. I haven’t slept well lately, either.”
I picked up one of his hands and kissed it. “Would you rather go in the manor and take a real nap on a comfortable sofa in a warm house?” I turned my legs toward him and faced him again.
“No, not with…William…and the others there. I’d rather have you to myself, if you don’t mind.”
“All right.” I lightly touched the dark circles under his eyes. “You know, you could put some chamomile tea leaves under here, and it would help with the puffiness and dark circles,” I told him.
“Have you become the herbal specialist now, too?” He grinned.
“You need to get more sleep, as well, Ethan. You won’t worry more, will you, now that you know about the baby being yours? The last thing I wanted to do was give you more things to worry about.”
“I’ll get more sleep, I promise you. I will actually worry less, I suspect, now that I know you did not have relations with William. I’m glad you finally told me the truth.”
He gave me a nice kiss, warming up both of our lips, which had gotten cold with our sleeping. We talked some about the harvest. He said they worked from dawn to dusk picking cotton. I told him about Catherine and me helping to harvest the corn.
“Madeline, you shouldn’t have done that in your state.”
“I didn’t over-exert, I promise. Catherine wouldn’t let me.”
“Does Aunt Catherine know that I’m the father of your baby?”
“Yes, she does. I told her long ago, when I was heaving a lot. Do you want to know when I realized I was with child?” He nodded. “It was the night of the big storm, when you spent the night at the house, when we were kissing. I started getting nauseous, and I feared I would spew all over you. When I ran to find a place to expel my supper, I realized I was with child. Catherine told me we should send for the doctor to be certain. She has helped me out a lot.”
“I’m glad.”
We also talked about Thanksgiving and how much we missed each other. I told him that I’d played the piano and thought of him, mourning.
“I miss your playing,” he said. “How about you play for me once Lillie awakens.”
“All right, if you’re sure you wish to return to the manor house…if you’re sure you can share me, if someone else should happen to also want to hear me play.”
“I think I can risk it.” He picked up one of my curls and studied it, and then he smoothed the back of my hair. I thought about how much he liked kissing me after I played the piano, and I knew we wouldn’t be able to with all the other people in the house, so I drew my lips to his, and we kissed hungrily. My hands roamed from his hair to his face, and to his chest.
We stopped ourselves, caught our breath, and talked more…about the weather, about the vegetable garden and how much work I’d helped Jonas with in storing them in the root cellar, and we talked about what we’d been doing during the day, now that harvest was over and winter was coming. It felt like we talked for hours.
Finally, we got back to a touchier subject…what we were going to do. “I don’t want to be parted from you,” Ethan said. “Knowing what you’ve done for me…and that you’re carrying my child…makes me love you even more. I only want to be with you. I honestly don’t know what to do. There is still Elizabeth’s baby to consider.”
“I know,” I said sadly. “You could still see this baby every day, Ethan, if you bring Lillie over here every day.”
“I don’t know if that will be enough. I want to be here for everything. It would be hard only seeing you and this baby for a short time each day.”
“You understand it’s the same way for me with Lillie. I want so much to be there for her all the time. It’s hard for me, not being able to tuck her into bed every night, not being able to give her a bath or comb her hair, not seeing her smiling face in the morning sunshine.”
“Yes, you are right. This whole thing is so botched up. We should be together, the four of us, as a family. And yet I have another baby that I cannot neglect. It will be sad, for I know I will not love that baby as much as I love yours. Elizabeth’s child will have an unfair disadvantage.”
“And so, we have to remain separated, as we are now. I will have to marry William, for I do not wish to have our baby called a bastard. Everyone thinks it is William’s anyway; they would think it highly scandalous for us not to marry, since we live on the same plantation.”
He tightened his jaw, at the mention of me marrying William. “I really wished you hadn’t told everyone it was William’s. At least everyone knows Lillie is yours.”
“There’s no mistaking who a baby’s mother is, since she carries it inside her and then delivers it.”
“That is true enough, but I abhor the thought of William raising my baby.”
“The same as I abhor Elizabeth raising my Lillie.”
He sighed. “I suppose there is no other way. You shall have to marry William and pretend to be having his baby, while I take care of Lillie and Elizabeth’s baby. And we won’t get our happy ending. We’ll just have to be satisfied with seeing each other briefly in passing, always longing for each other at balls and social gatherings, even at church.”
I nodded, feeling tears in my eyes again. “Hold me,” I begged, leaning my head against his chest, wrapping my arms around his back. He held me tightly, kissing my head, caressing my arms. I felt a safe haven in his arms and wished for the thousandth time we could just be together.
Lillie woke up, sat up in her carriage, and looked at the two of us. “Hey,” she whispered. I had to laugh, and we both greeted her. I got up and took her out of the carriage, and brought her back with me to sit beside Ethan again. We both adored her and cherished her. Soon, she would have to share that attention with two more babies. For now, we enjoyed it being just the three of us.
Chapter 32
Departure
With Ethan’s help, I put my crinoline back on, and we went inside the manor to the parlor, where I played the piano for Ethan and Lillie. As it happened, no one else ventured into the room while I played, much to our delight. I supposed they wanted to give us time alone. I played lively tunes to entertain Lillie, and I also played soft romantic songs for Ethan, who ended up sitting on the bench beside me, watching my fingers.
The day was drawing near sunset. We all went to the kitchen and brought back some apples and cheese for the three of us to eat, staying in the parlor.
“When will you wed?” Ethan asked me.
“I don’t know. Sometime before March…maybe February.” I still didn’t like thinking about, let alone talk about, marrying William.
“Don’t think me rude, but I do not wish to attend…you need not send me an invitation.” I looked at him, and he was smirking.
“We’ll just have to live our lives as adulterers, always longing for each other, praying for God’s forgiveness.”
“Yes, and I will pray in earnest tha
t you don’t fall in love with William.”
“And I shall do the same for you with Elizabeth.”
“Do you realize that the babies will be half-sisters? Yours and Elizabeth’s? But they won’t ever know it, will they?”
“You’re right. I hadn’t thought about that. The baby I’m carrying will also be Lillie’s sister, but we can’t tell her that, either, can we?”
He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed deeply. “It’s so frustrating.”
“She will think they’re half-sisters, at least.”
We heard a door close nearby, and William appeared in the doorway. “Oh, pardon me. I didn’t mean to intrude.”
He turned around to leave the room, but Ethan stopped him. “Will, wait.” He stood up. “I’ll be back in a moment,” he told me.
He went out into the hall with William and spoke to him softly. I couldn’t hear all that was being said, but I did hear Ethan say, “If you ever hurt her or our baby, you’ll regret it.”
Ethan came back into the parlor a few moments later. “Fog is starting to roll in, and it’s getting close to sunset; I must take Lillie back home,” he said.
“Ethan, were you rude to William?” I chided him.
“Just setting things straight is all, some boundaries. We have an understanding. I agreed to let him live so long as he doesn’t hurt you or the baby. No harm done.” He smirked.
The moment I had been dreading all day came, and we had to say goodbye to each other, for now. I walked him to the carriage, noticing that indeed the fog had rolled in. It shrouded around us, looking mysterious and foreboding. I remembered the herbs, and before Ethan loaded Lillie into the carriage, we walked back to the garden to pick some herbs for him to take home, including some chamomile, which I urged him to put under his eyes. I also broke off a few branches of camellias for him to give to Elizabeth. He thanked me, again surprised at my kindness.
“It’s the least I can do, seeing as how I’m in love with her husband and spent the whole day with him.”
I didn’t want him to go. I knew we wouldn’t get many more moments like this again, days where we could spend the whole day together. Perhaps once in a while we’d be able to steal away again, but who knew? Thankfully, Jonas, Catherine, and William all understood how we felt about each other, and perhaps, I suspected, even Clarissa. But Elizabeth was another story. She wouldn’t allow it. What could she do, though, actually, to hurt me? The only thing that would hurt me would be if Ethan stopped seeing me or if my children were kept from me. Just like in my nightmares.