George Washington Is Cash Money

by O'Brien, Cory

But Brer Fox has the rare talent

  of being exactly as stupid as he is lazy

  so he is like “Hm

  that briar patch does appeal to both my sadism

  AND my laziness.

  It’ll tear you to pieces.

  I’MA THROW YOU IN THE BRIAR PATCH.”

  And Brer Rabbit is like “NO NO NO NO

  ANYTHING BUT THAT”

  and Brer Fox is like “FAT CHUCKLES, GRANDMA

  IN YOU GO.”

  and chucks him in.

  But as he’s lying in the middle of the road

  giggling to himself

  he suddenly realizes

  he is not the only one giggling

  so he looks up

  and at the top of a nearby hill

  there’s Brer Rabbit

  laughing and combing tar out of his hair

  and he is like “You perfect idiot

  I was born and bred in a briar patch

  BORN AND FUCKING BRED

  DO YOU UNDERSTAND???”

  And Brer Fox is like “No, I do not understand.

  Like, I get that you were born inside a horrible plant

  but I don’t see how that magically cleaned off the tar

  or what it has to do with anything, really.”

  But Brer Rabbit doesn’t hear him

  Because he’s too busy stealing stuff

  and punching real babies to make up for lost time.

  And that, friends

  is how Brer Rabbit invented reverse psychology

  which just goes to show

  that you can be as stupid as you want

  as long as your enemies are a lot stupider.

  HARRIET TUBMAN HAS SEIZURES FOR JUSTICE

  Harriet Tubman was literally Moses

  that’s what she was actually called

  by the slaves

  that she led out of Egypt

  I mean the South.

  She was a hard-walking

  tough-talking

  constantly hallucinating

  secret agent OF JUSTICE

  but before I tell you all about Harriet T

  let’s talk a little about her worst enemy:

  SLAVERY.

  See, many centuries in the past

  a bunch of dudes discovered this sweet life hack

  where you could force people to work for free.

  They called this life hack “slavery”

  and it took the world many years to patch it

  (the patch is still not available in some places).

  Some countries took especially long to do this

  like for example AMERICA

  LAND OF THE FREE.

  Like, Benjamin Franklin freed his slaves

  and G. Washington freed (some of) his slaves

  and Thomas Jefferson said slaves should be free

  while simultaneously banging one of his slaves

  but the U.S. Constitution back in the day

  had a critical glitch that made changing things hard.

  It was called the three-fifths compromise

  and here is how it worked:

  Basically, when the constitution got written

  the South wanted their slaves to count as population

  so that they could have more representatives

  and the North was like “But guys, slaves can’t vote

  meaning they can’t select representatives

  so that’s not exactly fair.

  How about we say slaves are worth . . . I dunno

  three-fifths of a person each?”

  and the South is like “NOW WHO’S THE RACIST?”

  but it still means the South gets repped way harder

  which means anytime anyone tries to end slavery

  the slave-owning states are just like “NOPE.”

  So for slaves at this time

  waiting for slavery to be outlawed is not a good plan

  there is only one good plan

  and it is disguised as a terrible plan:

  RUN AWAY.

  No one has a better excuse to run away

  than young Harriet “Minty” Tubman.

  Her daily routine is basically “wake up

  get assigned random household task

  be too inexperienced to do assigned task

  get beaten until too weak to do assigned task

  get beaten

  do task somehow

  . . . sleep?”

  One day, one of her fellow slaves tries to run

  and their master responds in the only sane way

  which is to throw a lead weight at HER head

  which does not stop the other guy from escaping

  but DOES give Harriet epilepsy

  so . . . win-win?

  Now at this point

  Minty’s already tried to escape once

  and a projectile to the brain is a great motivator

  so when she finds out she’s gonna be sold to Georgia

  which is basically the Silicon Valley of slavery

  she escapes!

  Via the Underground Railroad!

  WHAT IS THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD?

  WHO THE FUCK KNOWS??

  The problem with a covert network of safe houses

  illegally smuggling slaves to freedom

  is that if you are part of this network

  you are not gonna wanna keep a ton of records

  and all the slaves who escape via this network

  are super careful about not dropping any spoilers

  seeing as they have family and friends down south

  who they presumably would like to see freed.

  All we really know about it

  is that folks hid slaves in their houses during the day

  (the houses were called “stations”)

  other folks led them at night

  (these people were called “conductors”)

  other folks just donated money

  (these dudes were called “investors”)

  and everyone involved really liked train metaphors

  (they were what are known as “railfans”).

  So Harriet escapes via this network

  leaving behind her parents

  her brothers and sisters

  and her husband

  who is actually not even a slave

  so who the hell knows why he doesn’t go with her.

  Probably he’s afraid of commitment.

  Oh well

  his loss.

  After such a miraculous escape

  a normal person would have just chilled out

  but Harriet Tubman is not a normal person

  she is an escaped slave with a brain injury

  so she immediately embarks on a new mission

  entitled “OPERATION: FREE EVERY SLAVE

  ESPECIALLY MY FAMILY.”

  She does this for TEN YEARS

  and during that time she never fucks up once

  assisted as she is by her CRAZY-PERSON VISION.

  Seriously, she has seizures that predict danger

  it’s awesome, you should listen to your seizures.

  This whole mission of hers is made more difficult

  by the fact that immediately after she escapes

  the government not only fails to end slavery

  but passes a NEW SHITTY LAW

  called the Fugitive Slave Act

  which says “Hey

  you know how slavery is illegal in the North?

  Well, you can still catch escaped slaves up there

  in fact, how about this:

>   You can just grab any black dude you want

  tell a judge he’s an escaped slave

  and we will PAY THE JUDGE to agree with you.”

  And all the slave states are like “HELL YEAH”

  and all the slaves are like “HELL NO”

  so slaves don’t just have to get out of the South

  they have to get to CANADA.

  Yes, Canada

  “like America, but without all that shit you hate.”

  But Harriet don’t care

  she’s leading dudes through swamps

  pretending to buy dudes at auctions

  then stealing them instead

  hiding in rivers to avoid dogs

  planning armed slave rebellions

  just flipping off the whole entire concept of slavery

  until her hands are just two giant middle fingers.

  It is inconvenient for using chopsticks

  but excellent for making a point.

  Then the Civil War happens

  and Harriet is like “Shit yeah, let’s end slavery.”

  So she signs up as a nurse

  and treats black dudes FOR FREE

  and when they start letting black people fight

  she dresses up in the most legit battle dress ever

  and leads an armed raid

  that frees about 750 slaves

  and then she raises her staff and frogs rain from the sky

  covering the entire South in a mass of ribbiting flesh.

  I may have made part of that up.

  After the war ends, Harriet goes back to Canada

  and on the train, the conductor is like

  “Hey, why are you sitting in the soldiers’ section?

  One, you are a woman

  two, you are black

  three, I am a terrible person.”

  And Harriet is like “Okay

  one, I’m the first woman to lead an armed Union raid

  two, fuck you

  three, I’m a conductor on the Underground Railroad

  so maybe YOU should give me YOUR seat

  bitch.”

  The conductor does not take kindly to this

  so he throws her off the train

  thus beginning a proud American tradition

  of throwing important black people off public transit.

  After that, Harriet lives for a stupidly long time

  making money by letting people write her biography

  which is a pretty baller way to make money

  but she’s still way poor

  because the army won’t pay her any pension

  you know, because racism

  but at least slavery is over

  right?

  . . . Right?

  Well, anyway

  What we can learn from Harriet Tubman

  is that sometimes the most badass thing you can do

  is run away from your problems.

  ABRAHAM LINCOLN IS AS TALL AS HE IS TALL

  POPULAR MISCONCEPTION:

  Abe Lincoln was born in a log cabin

  WHICH HE BUILT HIMSELF.

  Fact:

  He may or may not have been born in a log cabin

  and he definitely built a log cabin later

  when he was working for his farmer dad

  but regardless, there is a type of log named after him

  which is used for building tiny cabins

  and that’s what matters.

  That, and he’s ridiculously tall.

  But Lincoln stops being a farm guy pretty fast

  gets hella popular

  and picks up the nickname “Honest Abe”

  without chopping down any cherry trees or anything

  which is why when he runs for Congress, he wins

  (eventually)

  and then while he is in Congress

  one of his buddies is like “Dude

  you know what you’d be great at?

  LAWYERING”

  so that’s what Abe does for many years.

  He makes fat stacks with the lawyer gig

  (fat stacks being a prerequisite for real politics)

  and he’s also a super nice dude

  so it’s only a matter of time

  before he gets to be president.

  Here’s the problem, though:

  Abe is a Republican

  and he really hates slavery.

  Now, these things are not a problem by themselves

  but there are a bunch of dudes

  (mostly the Democrats, but also some Republicans)

  who really LIKE slavery

  primarily because they are not themselves slaves.

  Even THIS would not be a problem normally

  except that the U.S. has just bought a ton of land

  (from Napoleon, because he’s strapped for cash)

  and Lincoln doesn’t want any slavery in the new land

  so he’s trying to convince all these super racist bros

  to do this thing he wants

  and the way he does it

  is by trying REALLY HARD

  to sound just racist enough

  all like “Guys, I don’t like black people THAT much

  I mean I still TOTALLY think they’re subhuman

  I just don’t think forced labor is okay maybe?”

  and even that weak-sauce stance

  is not enough to placate the crazy racists.

  So when Lincoln runs for president, it’s a shit show.

  He’s got a Democrat running against him

  and a pro-slavery Republican

  which has the unexpected effect

  of splitting the pro-slavery votes

  plus a bunch of states don’t even bother to vote

  because they can’t stand to be part of a country

  that even allows an anti-slavery guy to RUN

  which means they aren’t voting against him

  so suddenly Lincoln is president

  with like 40 percent of the vote

  which means about 40 percent of people are happy.

  Shit like this never ends well.

  So as soon as Lincoln gets inaugurated

  like half the United States ragequits the Union

  and they form their own club, called the Confederacy

  and Lincoln is like “Guys, chill out

  you can totally keep your slaves

  beat the shit out of them, I don’t care

  I just don’t want any NEW slave states

  and I think you should stay part of my country

  and also I think you’re all terrible people.”

  Naturally the Confederacy is havin’ none of this.

  They elect their own president

  and raise an army

  and take over all the federal property in their states.

  Example:

  Virginia has surrounded this one fort, called Sumter

  which still belongs to the Union.

  The dudes inside of it are getting super hungry

  also nervous

  but no one is firing their guns

  because nobody wants to be the one to start a war

  so finally, Lincoln is like “Okay, guys

  just gonna send some food to my bros at the fort

  no guns or anything

  definitely not a military action.

  Boy it sure would suck if you shot this caravan

  then I’d have no choice but to declare war.”

  GUESS WHAT:

  GUNFIRE.

  For the next four years, war is all Lincoln does

/>   he checks out war books from the library

  he writes angry letters to all his generals

  and ends up firing like half of them

  until he finally lands on Ulysses S. Grant.

  Meanwhile, all these abolitionists and escaped slaves

  are like “Hey, Lincoln

  remember how you hate slavery?

  Thinking about ending it anytime soon, buddy?”

  and Lincoln is like “GIVE ME A BREAK, GUYS

  some of our allies have slaves

  and I reeeeeeally don’t want to upset them right now

  so maybe we hold off a little?”

  and everyone is like “But Lincoln

  if we free the slaves, we can get them to fight for us”

  and Lincoln is like “SOLD.”

  So he writes a letter to the Confederacy

  like “Dear jerks,

  All your slaves are free now.

  Have fun with that.

  Love, Abe.”

  And the Confederacy is like “You can’t do that!”

  but all their slaves are like “HE TOTALLY CAN.”

  So now all these slaves are running away

  and Lincoln is like “Oh shit

  might have to start treating these people like humans

  can we get some constitutional amendments up ins?

  BOOM, 13th Amendment: Slavery is over

  14th Amendment: Everybody is citizens

  15th Amendment: Black dudes can vote

  not women though

  that would be CRAZY.

  All right, I gotta go win this war.

  You’re welcome.”

  So the war ends

  and Abe gets to officially say slavery is over

  but then he makes the literally fatal mistake

  of going to a theater to celebrate

  and some dick named John runs in and shoots him

  simultaneously ending his life

  and freeing him up for a career as a vampire hunter.

  So

  he has a big funeral

  and ex-slave / star abolitionist Fred Douglass comes

  and Douglass is like “Good job, Abe Lincoln

  still pretty sure you were a racist though.

  Rest in peace, dude.”

  Later they make a statue of him

  that makes him look like Zeus.

  It’s inappropriate

  because everyone knows

  that Abraham Lincoln

  is actually America’s JESUS.

  So the moral of the story

  is you should never go see plays

  live theater is dead.

  SARAH EMMA EDMONDS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE YOUR DAD AND YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW

  Unlike the Revolutionary War