Seasons

by Bonnie Hopkins

  “So, whatever his problem, I’ve had to accept my own responsibility in everything. I could have said no, and gone on with my plans, or I could have at least acted more responsibly and insisted on some kind of protection. But I was so . . . overjoyed that this man was interested in me that I didn’t do one sensible thing, and the consequences I’ve had to live with have made me very cautious and careful in my dealings with men.”

  This explains a lot, J.P. thought. “I think you’ve been too hard on yourself. I know you believe in God’s forgiveness, don’t you? If He’s willing to forgive you, don’t you think you should be willing to forgive yourself? And I bet there were some other variables at work in the scheme of things, too. For instance, you said you were a little in awe that a man like him would notice you. Right? I’d bet he was a lot older and able to exploit your youth and inexperience. Right?” Jaci nodded yes to both of his conclusions. “By the way, does he live here or is he in another city?”

  “I have no idea where he is. The last I knew, he was still in Dallas. I left there and moved here when Randi was only a few months old. And yes, you’re right, I did have a hard time forgiving myself, even after I asked for God’s forgiveness. Not just for having a baby out of wedlock, and not being able to provide for her as I would have liked, but also for so carelessly tossing away God’s plan for my life. I can’t blame him for that. I was young—he’s more than ten years older than I am, but like I said, I knew right from wrong.”

  “So, tell me, what happened when you told him you were expecting?”

  Jaci looked out the window at the cloudless blue sky and in a quiet voice related to him the events of the night she told Maxie about her pregnancy. She didn’t question why she chose to tell him the story, other than an unexplained connection she felt to him—maybe because of the time they had spent together, or maybe because she was finding it so easy to talk to him. Whatever the reason, she wanted to share the sordid details with him. She left nothing out . . . telling him everything, the defunct divorce papers Maxie had shown her to convince her he was not married, his admission to having a second wife when she announced her pregnancy, his blaming her and insisting she “take care of it,” his lies that he would be in touch. The whole sad story spilled out, as the scenery outside the car slid past them.

  J.P. felt his gut tightening as anger consumed him.

  “If I could get my hands on that poor excuse of a man, I would choke him for the disgraceful way he treated you. I sincerely hope our paths never cross.” No wonder she is so cautious, he thought. She had been callously used, then tossed aside like an unwanted rag doll. She hadn’t deserved that.

  He realized they had reached Galveston and wondered where the time had gone. They spent the next few hours with the client, and J.P. managed to straighten everything out, despite being distracted and in a hurry to finish. Jaci was also less energetic than usual. Her traumatic revelations had deeply affected them both.

  “Are you in a hurry to get back home? If not, let’s take the ferry across the bay,” he suggested when they left the small building where the company’s offices were housed. He nearly lost his footing when Jaci swiftly agreed. He had expected a right-out NO, or at least an argument.

  “I love this island,” she explained. “It would be sacrilege to come down here and not take a ferry ride and eat seafood.”

  J.P. was overjoyed. She had just answered his next question. “Well, why don’t we make an afternoon of it? Let’s browse the Strand and then go down on the beach. How about it?”

  “I’d love it,” she replied.

  Jaci

  They spent the afternoon exploring every store on the Strand. Jaci willfully pushed the memories from the past aside, reminding herself of the promise she had made to never let that episode steal another moment of her life. Poking around in antique and novelty stores was always a fun and relaxing activity for her. And she remembered from their D.C. trip that, surprisingly, J.P. could be a lot of fun. He didn’t disappoint her. He got into the spirit of things and wanted to buy everything she picked up to look at. She couldn’t get him to understand that half the fun was in just looking.

  “Let’s go over to the strip. That’s where I usually do all my shopping,” she smilingly confided. They did, and after going in and out of every shop along the strip, they both had bags filled with all sorts of junk, like T-shirts, sea shells, and little bottles of sand.

  “You want to eat now or head for the ferry?” J.P. asked.

  “Let’s eat first, then take the ferry ride,” she said. “That way, we can head home when we get off the boat.”

  “Okay. Sounds like a plan and I know the perfect place to eat.”

  They enjoyed a delicious seafood meal and talked about all kinds of things, but their liveliest discussion centered around spiritual beliefs, especially as they related to the single and dating scene. It was amazing how alike they were on basic values, and how the way they had been raised influenced the kind of parents they had become. Jaci laughingly asked, “Did you ever find yourself doing or saying something to your child that you swore you would never do when your parents did it to you?”

  They laughed harder as each one acknowledged guilt. “Yep. The famous ‘I brought you into this world and I’ll take you out’ flew out a few times. And the one that my son vividly remembers is ‘as long as you’re living under this roof and sticking your big rusty feet under this table, you’ll do as I say.’ He loves to remind me of that.”

  Jaci nodded. “Yeah, I still cringe over that one myself.” After eating, they drove around the small island, admiring the wide assortment of beautiful cottages dotting the beach. Jaci confessed that she had always wanted to own one of those waterfront homes.

  It was almost twilight when they got behind a long line of cars waiting to board the ferry. There was a relaxed, comfortable atmosphere in the car that made Jaci gratefully acknowledge what she called one of her “moments”: a rare occurrence in which she knew there was not another place she would rather be than where she was at that very moment.

  They boarded the ferry, then got out of the car, quietly watching the vast waters and enjoying the antics of the seagulls that hovered low to capture the breadcrumbs passengers threw.

  “Oh wow, look at those stars,” Jaci said. “Somehow they always look bigger and brighter when you’re out in the open.” They stood quietly and watched the stars beginning to twinkle against the darkening sky and the gorgeous full moon striving to show itself from behind passing clouds, which cast a beautiful reflection upon the sea.

  “Yeah. It’s great to see nature at its best and be able to appreciate the beauty of it,” J.P. answered.

  Everything was working together to weave a feeling of contentment and peace within her. She had never enjoyed the company of a man as much as she was enjoying this day with J.P. I’m having a great time, she thought, but considering the fact that I’m probably not the most exciting woman he’s spent time with, hopefully he’s not bored. She tried to sneak a look at him. Busted! Her eyes collided with his, as he stood there unashamedly looking down at her with an expression she couldn’t comprehend.

  She shivered in reaction to their shared look. Immediately, J.P. stepped behind her, enfolding her in strong arms. “Are you cold? Do you want to get back in the car?” he asked huskily, running his hands up and down her arms in an attempt to warm them.

  “No, I’m fine. I was just thinking about how much I’m enjoying today.”

  “I’m enjoying it too. In fact, I’m finding that I always enjoy myself when I’m in your presence.”

  Jaci didn’t know how to respond. Although she liked the feel of his strong arms embracing her and decided to be quiet and just enjoy the moment, she cautioned herself—careful, remember this man has a potent effect.

  After a while, J.P. whispered in her ear, “You’re a hard woman to get to know. But I refuse to give up because I believe you’re worth the effort, no matter how hard I have to work.” When she didn’t r
espond, he continued. “Jaci, I don’t think I’ve ever been as entranced by a woman as I am with you. Are you involved with anyone right now?”

  “No. Why?” Jaci’s heart beat wildly. She knew where his question was leading and felt uncomfortable because she feared her answer would spoil the moment.

  “Because you’re a beautiful, intelligent woman whom I enjoy spending time with. And I think you know I would like us to spend more time together to get to know each other on a more personal level.” When she didn’t speak, he continued. “Do you think that’s possible?” She was definitely not making it easy for him.

  “Well, I have some very strong opinions about the dating scene, and after you hear them, you may not want to get to know me better,” she answered. “And since we’re on the subject, are you involved with anyone? That road goes both ways you know.”

  He laughed, realizing he should have expected that question. “No. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t go out occasionally, but there’s no serious involvement with anyone. So tell me about your strong feelings regarding the dating scene. I want to hear it.”

  She pulled away and stepped to his side so she could look at him as they talked. “I don’t have to tell you after our conversation on the way down here that I’m very leery of any kind of relationship with men. But there are several other reasons I don’t get involved easily. First and foremost, I don’t believe in casual affairs. But that’s the norm in today’s dating world, and you’re thought of as obsolete if you don’t do it. It amazes me that although we’re constantly hearing about how AIDS and other STDs are rampant, people are still sleeping around, thinking it can’t happen to them. Many of them are not even using protection and not getting tested to find out if they’ve been exposed.

  “You have to understand,” she continued. “I deal in reality. I’m too old and wise at this point in my life to act stupid or coy. I’ve dealt with the consequences of that kind of foolishness too long. Although I’ve always wanted a husband and a family, I’m not going to violate my principles again in an effort to make it happen. Experience was a very good teacher.” She grimaced, recalling all she had suffered because of poor judgment. “I believe honesty and commitment should be the foundation of a relationship. A lot of men run from that and have no intentions of maintaining a monogamous lifestyle—married or not.”

  She paused to get his reaction. When he remained silent, she continued. “You won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t agree with me, but you did ask, and I’m merely telling you how I feel. In any case, honesty at this point makes more sense than lying. At least we’ll know where we stand. So . . . Would you like to gracefully withdraw and say forget it? I gotta tell you, a man who lies just to get things to go his way is likely to get a whipping,” she said with a smile.

  He saw that behind the smile, she was serious. “No, go on,” he said slowly, wondering if he really wanted to hear the rest of what she had to say.

  Not missing a beat, Jaci continued. “Like I’ve said, I have some serious trust issues where men are concerned. And the men I’ve had the misfortune to deal with have done nothing to change that. In fact, they’ve more or less proved it’s not even worth the trouble. Any man I date would have to understand that and be able to deal with it,” she chuckled. “Usually when I get to this point, the man has concluded that he’s dealing with a crazy woman and runs so fast it’s hard to tell he was ever here. Do you want to continue this conversation or stop here and cut your losses? Speak freely—I can handle it.”

  J.P. hesitated. This was some heavy stuff coming from this woman. Do I want to take this any further? he asked himself.

  “No! . . . I understand where you’re coming from,” he finally answered, searching himself at the same time. He wanted to be honest. Frankly, he was often tempted to revert to his old ways. But he knew he was tired of the same kind of women and the same meaningless relationships. Knew it wasn’t taking him where he wanted to go. Knew it was time to stop half-stepping and try another way.

  “I appreciate your honesty and everything you’ve said, but I’m not other men. I was, I admit, indulging in that dating scene like some of them, but I’m not anymore. And regarding the trust issues, as long as I know what I’m dealing with, I can handle it. Now, do you think it’s possible for us to spend some time getting to know each other? Let’s just see where it takes us.”

  “Before I answer that question, tell me exactly what you’re looking for. I mean, why do you want to get to know me? You have a reputation for being a ladies’ man. I just told you how I feel about that. It occurs to me that maybe I’m just a challenge to you. If so, I’m not interested in seeing where it can go, I already know it’s not going to be a good trip for me.”

  “Wellll. Uh! Let’s see.” Again, he took a long time answering. “You really don’t beat around the bush do you?” He laughed nervously. “I’m thinking about this because you’ve been very candid with me, and I want to answer you honestly. I guess the best way to explain is to tell you about my parents. After forty something years of marriage, they still love and care for each other. They are at their happiest when they’re together, and they’re together a lot. They have a level of trust and commitment between them that’s uncommon in the world today, but it brings them a lot of peace and contentment. One day it dawned on me that because of my lifestyle, I was missing out on something great.

  “I’m sure you’ve heard that it’s insanity to keep doing the same thing in the same way and expect a different outcome. I want what my parents have, and to get it, I knew I needed to make some serious changes. I admit I was out there—and I’m still tempted some times—part of that scene you described—going from woman to woman in pointless encounters. But I’m not crazy, so common sense prevailed. I still date, but it’s for a different purpose now. I’ve committed my life to Christ and now want to commit myself to one woman. And I want to be healthy and able in every way to fully enjoy life with that special woman. I would at least like to explore the possibility of your being that woman.

  “You’re not the only one who has been betrayed. My son’s mother left me for another man before I was able to make enough money to keep her happy. So I know what it’s like to be hurt. And for years I’ve been running from commitment in fear of a repeat of that. But at some point you have to decide to stop looking back toward the past and move forward into the future.” He gave a silent thanks for Sunday’s sermon. “Now that we know where we stand, can we move forward?”

  His description of his parents’ life together filled her with yearnings that had been pushed into forgotten corners of her mind. Oh to have a hope for that kind of life. Could she take a chance? Should she? “Okay,” she heard herself agree. “As long as you understand where I am on certain issues and continue to be honest and up-front with me. If at any point, you decide you want to move on, tell me. I can deal with it. I’m definitely not into sharing,” Jaci said, looking at him, without a hint of a smile.

  “I’ve heard everything you’ve said, and just for the record, I’m not into sharing either. I’m very happy we had this conversation.” He smiled and drew a deep sigh of relief as unexplained happiness bubbled up in him. He pulled her back to their original position.

  They were quiet for several minutes as he held her close to him, enjoying the feel of her soft body against his. “What are you thinking about?” he asked softly.

  Jaci sighed before answering. “I was daydreaming a little. Don’t laugh now, but one of my fantasies has always been to come to this or some other island with my husband and to experience the romantic ambiance, go to sleep, listening to the waves crashing against the seashore, and watch the moon’s magic reflecting on the water. And then to wake up early enough to share the joy of the sunrise. It would be like coming into harmony with God, nature, and each other, you know?”

  J.P. groaned softly and tightened his embrace. Her words caused a deep longing within him. Oh please, God, let it be me, he prayed. “That’s a beautiful fanta
sy, honey, and not difficult to make a reality. I’ll be one very unhappy brother if I’m not the one sharing it with you.” Despite her admitted hang-ups, her honesty and openness intrigued him. Nobody could accuse her of being fickle or shallow. She knew who she was and what she wanted. It would take a man of character to hold her. He sincerely hoped he had it in him to be that man. “Do you hear what I’m saying, Jaci? I could very easily stake my claim on you right now and I wouldn’t be going anywhere.”

  “Yeah, I hear you. I think we’re caught up in some kind of romantic spell right now. It’ll pass.”

  Her unusual peace and contentment with less than favorable circumstances blew his mind. She knew what she wanted but was prepared to live without it if she had to. It made him want her more. “What if it doesn’t pass? What if we don’t want it to pass?” he pushed.

  “Shhh . . . hh! Don’t break the spell, Jason. Let’s just enjoy it.”

  He grinned, relishing the way she had said his name. He started planting kisses from her temple to the side of her face and neck. “Come here, sweetheart.” He said as he turned her in his arms and hugged her tightly. “Awwww, honey, you feel so good in my arms,” he said before kissing her. Jaci’s last coherent thought was that the darn spell had gone too far.

  They were so lost in the kiss that it took a moment for the noise to register. A man and a woman standing near them loudly cleared their throats in an effort to get their attention. “Excuse me!” the man said. “I just thought you folk might like to know we’ll soon be reaching land.”

  J.P. grinned broadly. “Thanks. I was just trying to keep my lady warm.”