Her Naughty Holiday

by Tiffany Reisz

  “Clover, that’s fantastic news,” Val said, clapping her hands. “Now you can stop working all the time and get your life together.”

  “And maybe give me some more grandbabies,” David said, slapping Clover on the shoulder and kissing her on the cheek.

  “What are you going to do with all that money?” Kelly asked. “Buy a bigger house? Travel?”

  “Yes, baby, what are you going to do?” Val asked. “I’d say invest it. Hunter can help you.”

  “Sure, sis. You’ll want to invest at least a big chunk of that money. Or are you planning on starting a new business?”

  “Oh, God, I hope not,” Val said, sinking into her chair. “Clover needs time off for herself. Not more work. She’s thirty and it’s time for her to settle down.”

  “You really should think about having kids,” Hunter said. “Trust me, it’s not as hard as everyone says it is.”

  “Seriously, though, Clo,” Kelly said. “What on earth would you do with so much money?”

  Clover glanced up at Erick and Erick met her eyes. She had a strange look on her face. She looked oddly...calm? No, not calm. She looked determined. She looked like she was about to say something that maybe she shouldn’t say.

  “Actually,” Clover said. “I think I’ll do what Ruthie suggested and blow it all on male escorts.”

  13

  ERICK LAUGHED SO hard Clover thought he’d fall over. Not surprisingly, he was the only one in the room laughing.

  “What?” Clover asked, glancing around the table at her family. “You don’t like that idea?”

  “You’re joking,” her mother said in that prim way she had of creating the reality she wanted to believe in.

  “I’m not,” Clover said. “I almost hired a male escort this week but then Erick volunteered his services.”

  “I’m much cheaper than Sven, and I come with a money-back guarantee,” Erick said.

  “Clover, this is not an appropriate topic for dinner,” her father said.

  “We aren’t eating yet. Erick’s still carving. By the way, Erick’s my fake boyfriend, not my real one. I asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend this week to shut you all up about my personal life. Since it didn’t work, might as well come clean.”

  “Wait a second,” Hunter said. “What the hell is going on here?”

  “Well...” Clover placed her hands flat on the table, pushed back her chair and stood up. “You see... I’m a very successful businesswoman who lives in a lovely little home in a beautiful community and I have a job I love and plenty of money. That is not good enough for anyone in this room except for me apparently. You all only care if I’m married and having babies for some reason. Or if I’m getting my PhD in something. Those seem to be my only two choices. But I’m not married, not having kids and not back in school. I knew you all would try to make me miserable about that so I needed a fake boyfriend. Erick volunteered. He probably wishes he were anywhere but here. And I don’t blame him. I do, too.”

  “Clover Greene, this is absurd,” her mother said. “Your family loves you and wants you to be—”

  “Happy, right?” Clover asked. “You want me to be happy?”

  “Yes, of course we want you to be happy,” her father said. “That’s all we’ve ever wanted.”

  “Then let me tell you how you can make me happy,” Clover said. “You can shut the hell up about my life is what you can do and then I’ll be the happiest woman on earth. Don’t you all ever get tired of telling me what to do with my life, my body and my money? God knows I’m tired of hearing it.”

  “I will not be spoken to like this.” Her mother stood up and faced her across the table.

  “Don’t like it?” Clover demanded. “Welcome to my world. You come into my house and insult my clothes, my boyfriend, my life choices and my boyfriend’s daughter. Erick, you were right. They are all a bunch of assholes. Except you, Lisa. You’re just a pushover.”

  “I know,” Lisa said, and sighed.

  “Takes one to know one,” Clover said with true sympathy. “But I’m tired of being a pushover. Kelly, I love you, but you’ve been extremely bitchy to me lately and for no reason at all.”

  “What? I don’t—”

  “How many times have you told me I will never know true happiness until I have kids?” Clover demanded. “A hundred? A thousand? How would you feel if I said to you, ‘Kelly, you will never know true happiness until you buy a house with your own money? You will never know true happiness until you’ve succeeded at making a business dream come true? You will never know true happiness until you can buy anything you want without having to ask your husband for permission?’ You don’t know that happiness because you’ve never paid your own way in your entire life. You got married right out of college to a rich guy. Mommy and Daddy footed the bills until you were twenty-one and your rich husband foots them now. Do you like hearing how you can’t possibly be happy like I am? Do you like being told that I don’t believe you’re happy no matter how happy you tell me you are? You don’t like it because it’s an awful thing to say to someone, telling them they might never know true happiness.”

  Kelly opened her mouth and nothing came out. She covered it with her hand as if holding back words or tears or vomit.

  “Damn,” Erick said. He sounded almost impressed. “Direct hit.”

  “And you, Hunter,” Clover said, “are a sexist jerk who treats his wife like a housekeeper. You tell me having kids isn’t hard? You know why having kids isn’t hard for you? Because you do none of the work. When’s the last time you were alone with your three girls? When’s the last time you took them to their doctors’ appointments or cooked their dinner or even picked them up from school?”

  “Never,” Lisa said. Everyone at the table turned and looked at her. “What? It’s true.”

  “You stay out of this, Lisa. Clover, that’s not fair at all,” Hunter said. “But what would you know about marriage and kids? You don’t even have a real boyfriend.”

  “I feel real,” Erick said. “Can you see me?” he asked Kelly and waved his hand in front of her face. She didn’t even blink. “Okay, maybe I’m not real.”

  “My fake boyfriend I have been fucking all week long,” Clover said. “Right where you’re sitting, for example.”

  “Clover!” Her mother half gasped, half screamed. “How dare you—”

  “How dare I? How dare I?” Clover asked. She was so angry she thought she would be sick. But the anger gave her power. She couldn’t stop. Not when she’d finally found her courage. “You told me that I should break up with Erick because I deserve the best and a teenage stepdaughter is second-best. Did you not just say that ten minutes ago in the kitchen?”

  “I only meant—”

  “I know what you meant,” Clover said. “Let me tell you how wrong you are. Ruthie is a goddess. On top of that, she’s a friend. My friend. She’s my friend and she’s Erick’s only daughter and for those reasons alone you should speak respectfully of her. What sort of adult woman insults a teenage girl behind her back? Especially a teenage girl I adore and respect and love. Ruthie isn’t second-best. I would be the luckiest woman alive to be her stepmother. I’ll tell you this, Mom. You don’t deserve to be her grandmother. And you don’t deserve to be her grandfather,” she said to her dad. “How dare you tell me I’ve gained weight the second you walk into my house? Did I ask you for your opinion on my body? You look old, Dad. You look old and tired and wrinkly and gray and you’re not as tall as you used to be, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.”

  Clover’s father sat back in his chair and threw his napkin on the table.

  “I think you sunk his battleship,” Erick whispered to Clover. She ignored him.

  “So, Daddy—how does that feel? Not good, I imagine, except I don’t have to imagine because you all like to constantly remind me of my age. Thirty is a helluva lot younger than sixty-six, Daddy.”

  “Clover,” Erick said. “Can I get you some water? Wine? Lavender
wipe?”

  “No, but you can get out of my house,” she said to him. “You all can. Right now.”

  “Wait, I have to leave, too?” Erick asked, looking thunderstruck.

  “My mother insulted your daughter to your face and you said nothing?”

  “You told me to grin and bear—”

  “I don’t care what I said! They insulted Ruthie and you let them. I want all of you gone right now. Right this second. And don’t come back until you’ve learned how to behave like human beings.”

  She turned her back to them and walked up the stairs and into her bedroom. She slammed the door behind her and locked it.

  Then she sat down on the edge of her bed, the bed she and Erick had made love in just last night.

  And she cried.

  * * *

  ALL OF THEM sat around the table staring blankly at each other. Erick looked from Mr. and Mrs. Greene to Kelly and Hunter and Lisa.

  “Oh, I get it,” Erick said. “Hunter Greene. Clover Greene. Kelly Greene. All shades of green. Clever.”

  Clover’s parents and siblings all slowly turned their heads to stare at him.

  “What?” Erick asked. “I just figured it out.”

  “What the hell just happened?” Kelly breathed.

  “Your sister kicked our asses, that’s what happened,” Erick said. “A well-deserved ass-kicking from what I’ve seen. I think she’s been holding that in for a long time.”

  “This is your doing, isn’t it?” Val demanded of Erick.

  He could only laugh at that.

  “God, I hope so,” he said, standing up. Everyone at the table looked horrified, stunned, pale and angry. “Well, shall we?”

  “Shall we what?” Hunter said, glaring at him from the opposite end of the table.

  “Leave,” Erick said. “Clover kicked us out. We have to leave.”

  “I am not leaving until I get an apology,” Val said. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked as petulant as a small child.

  “We’re leaving,” Erick said. “When you don’t leave a house you’ve been ordered to leave, you are trespassing. We are trespassing.”

  “This is my daughter’s house,” David said. “My daughter.”

  “Yes.” Erick nodded. “It’s Clover’s house. Not your house. I know all four cops in this town. I’ve worked on all their houses and given them all law enforcement discounts. Don’t make me have to call them, because I will.”

  “Is that a threat?” Hunter asked.

  “Pretty obvious it’s a threat,” Erick said. “Come on. Let’s go. We can see if the mac-and-cheese place is open today. They have truffle fries.”

  “How can you be relaxed about this?” Val asked. She stood up and pushed her chair into the table so hard it would have chipped the finish if Clover hadn’t put the tablecloth on.

  “About what?” Erick asked. “Clover told us off. She didn’t shoot at us. Has no one ever told you all off before? If not, might I recommend acquiring a teenage daughter? You can borrow mine. Do you think we should put the turkey away first? Nah. It’ll be fine.”

  “I, for one, am happy to hear you aren’t her real boyfriend,” Val said. “I cannot believe my own daughter lied to me about dating you.”

  “She lied about dating me. I mean, she lied about not dating me. She is dating me. Or was,” Erick corrected. “She might have just dumped me. Hoping she’ll change her mind about that. But yes, until five minutes ago I was her real boyfriend. On Sunday she asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend but things got serious fast. I’m crazy about her. Even more crazy about her now.” He stopped and laughed. “Man, this has been a wild week. Can’t wait to tell Ruthie about it.”

  “A horrible week,” Kelly said, finally speaking again.

  “Buck up, little soldier,” Erick said as draped kitchen towels over the food to keep any flies away. “You all got off easy from what I saw.”

  “Easy?” Kelly asked, staring at him wide-eyed. “You call that easy?”

  “Every last one of you has been horrible to Clover since walking in the front door. Snide, judgmental, passive-aggressive and mean. I don’t know why or where this is coming from, but I’ve known Clover for about a year and I know this—she doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. Nobody does. What does it say that your own sister asked a man to pretend to be her boyfriend just so she wouldn’t have to put up with nosy questions about her personal life today? I think it says she doesn’t like or trust her own family. She obviously loves you all, otherwise she wouldn’t take your insults so personally. But she doesn’t like you. I don’t like you all, either.”

  “The feeling is entirely mutual,” Val said.

  “Fine.” Erick shrugged again. “I think I’ll survive. Coats are in the office. Let’s get out of here.”

  “No way,” Hunter said. “No way in hell am I leaving this house until my sister apologizes.”

  “You are leaving this house,” Erick said as he pulled on his jacket. “And you’re leaving it right now. First of all, Clover told you to leave. Second, she has nothing to apologize for. You all started this fight. Don’t get pissed because she finished what you all started. Third, we really did fuck right where you’re sitting.”

  “This is disgraceful,” Val said.

  “I didn’t start any fight.” Hunter did stand up but he didn’t make any move to put on his coat and leave. Erick shook his head and willed himself not to put Hunter out of his misery. Men. “And I am not leaving.”

  “You said to your sister’s face, ‘I had no idea your business was worth anything.’ Those are fighting words to me,” Erick said. “You want me to walk into your office and say, ‘So you actually have a real job, huh? Didn’t think you’d amount to anything, Hunter.’ You’d punch me right in the face if I said that to you, and you’d have every right to.”

  “I didn’t...I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “You said to your sister that you thought her business was worthless, and you were shocked when you found out it was valuable. Yes, you meant it. Yes, she was hurt by that. And yes, those were fighting words. If you make me throw you out of this house, I will do it.”

  “I’d like to see you try, buddy,” Hunter said, pulling himself up to his full height.

  “You might have been intimidating in high school,” Erick said. “You look like you were one of those guys who threw freshmen into lockers. But this isn’t high school. One of us has been working a desk job too long and the other one of us builds houses and decks for a living so... I know who I’d put my money on.”

  “Man, you are asking for it, aren’t you?” Hunter demanded, his face getting redder.

  “I am asking you to do what your sister said, and leave. I am not asking you to take a swing at me, but if you want to, go ahead. You’ll miss and I’ll have to hurt you. I don’t want to but I will. I’m a contractor. I can put you through that wall, patch the hole and put cedar shingle siding on after. This house would look great with cedar siding so...go ahead, give me a job to do.”

  “Hunter, don’t you dare start a fight,” Lisa said, coming to stand between Hunter and Erick. “This is ridiculous. Erick is right. You all are rude to Clover. I’ve seen it with my own eyes more times than I can remember. You’re bitter and jealous and I don’t know why.”

  “We are not jealous,” Kelly said. “Why would I be jealous of her?”

  “No idea,” Lisa said. “But you called me and talked me into leaving the girls with my sister for the day because you were mad Clover doesn’t comment on all the pics you post of your children online. You said to me two days ago, ‘If she doesn’t care about our kids, why should we bring them to her house?’ I can’t believe I let you talk me into your petty little payback just because Clover’s too busy to spend all day on Facebook validating your life choices.”

  “Oh, shit,” Erick said. “Where is Jerry Springer when we need him? If someone’s about to throw a chair, I want to record it. Where’s my phone?”

 
“This is all so easy for you to say,” Val said. “You’re not the one who spent fifty thousand dollars sending that girl to college only to watch her quit school in the last year to sell tulips for a living.”

  “Now we’re getting somewhere,” Erick said. “You know college is a means to an end, right? The end being getting a good job. She got a good job without graduating and is now worth a lot of money. I get it.” Erick pointed at Val and shook his finger. “You’re mad because you thought she’d fail and go back to school, but she didn’t, which proves she didn’t need your help. Do you want your children to be dependent on you their entire lives? Is that why you’re mad?”

  “Fifty thousand dollars and she flushed that education right down the toilet,” David said.

  “Oh, yeah, poor Clover,” Erick said. “She’ll be worth five million dollars by Monday night, but yeah, I can see she really wasted her education.”

  “I raised three children and went to school at night for eight