Dreams of a Little Cornish Cottage

by Nancy Barone

  Please believe me when I say that I had no intention of deceiving anyone, least of all you, my dear, sweet friend. But who would have ever believed me? Sometimes I find it hard to believe it myself, but there you have it, the full truth.

  And now, I am looking for the courage to send this to you, but not to the house. I am sending this to your work, where you’ll be able to read it and digest it before going home.

  I harbour no bitterness towards Yolanda for keeping me from my daughters, but now I need to be allowed time with them.

  I only hope that you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you, Nat.

  Your friend,

  Shane

  I bunched up the pages and folded in on myself, stifling a sob. His friend? All this time I had hoped for him to feel the same way for me. I had wanted to be his woman. To hold him, kiss him, be with him. And now, more than ever, I had never felt so alone.

  16

  The Key to My Heart

  In the following three weeks, as the plumber and the electrician worked on Lavender Cottage, I gave myself the task of collecting all of Mrs Pendennis’s things and called someone from her estate who came round to collect them. It was sad to see her things go, and it hit me that one day someone would be doing the very same thing with my stuff. Those days I was capable of only sad thoughts and reminisced about life.

  So I kept a framed picture of dear old Mrs Pendennis with her family and left it on the inside windowsill overlooking the garden, next to a vase of her favourite daffodils. She had been passionate about her flowers, and now she could watch her garden change throughout the seasons, year after year, even if she was no longer on this earth. It was the least I could do for her.

  I also had a connecting door put in between my mother’s house and Lavender Cottage and concentrated on moving her back home among her familiar things.

  Personally, I didn’t need much besides a new bed, a sofa, a table and chairs. Everything else would come later as I developed the need for it. It was strange, but refreshing, not to be surrounded by all of Neil’s things in my new home. I was finally free of the past.

  But it was also strange coming through my new door and not straining my ears to hear where the girls were, nor hear Shane’s voice. Would I ever get used to it? I had tried to not think of him, what he was doing or what he was up to with the girls – or Yolanda, and desperately trying not to picture him alone with her. It was as plain as the nose on my face; he hadn’t called or even texted me because he now had all he’d ever wanted. They had their new life and I had to go on with mine, no matter how much it killed me. But all the time I’d planned to leave The Mausoleum, I had never pictured myself starting over and being miserable.

  When I got in from grocery shopping later that day, I pasted a smile onto my face for the benefit of Felicity whom I’d asked to watch my mother while I was out.

  ‘You okay, Nat?’ she asked as I dropped my bag onto the bench by the entrance.

  I knew she was dying to ask why I wasn’t by Shane’s side in his new life as a father. The whole village must have been wondering what was going on.

  ‘Perfectly all right, Felicity. Thanks for watching my mum for me.’

  She shrugged. ‘No problem. Beryl’s always a hoot. But you look knackered. Do you want me to make you something to eat?’

  ‘No, thank you, Felicity.’

  ‘Do you want company?’

  I shook my head and smiled weakly.

  ‘Okay, then. If you’re sure, I’ll go.’

  ‘Thanks. How much do I owe you?’

  At that, she backed off in horror. ‘Absolutely nothing, Nat. Call me whenever you need me.’

  ‘Okay, thanks.’ I’d make it up to her tomorrow.

  Once alone, I sat back and listened to the sounds of my old, new house; Felicity’s retreating footsteps on the flagstone floors, the creak of the front door, and the fire crackling in the hearth.

  It was perfect. It was the house I’d always wanted since I was a little girl peeking over the garden wall. So to celebrate my new life, I poured myself a glass of chilled white wine, curled up on the sofa and bawled my eyes out.

  *

  The next morning when I checked my emails, I sat back in surprise. All seven of the magazines I’d applied to were offering me a permanent fixture with them! All I had to do was have an informal chat with them in video conference if I had any questions, and then decide who- and how many- to go with.

  So I scheduled one interview a day, jotting down my impressions and comparing notes throughout the week. They all offered me conditions that were far better than Lady magazine. Apparently this was the year of Out With the Old and In With the New contenders! Suddenly I was the hottest thing since microwaveable dinners. I gave myself a pat on the back. I would never have to worry about a job or my finances again.

  But if I kicked arse by day, nights were another story.

  Every evening, without fail, after I put my mother to bed, I lay awake staring at the ceiling. Because if I had taken my life by the horns, my heart was still a mangled mess.

  What was Shane doing this very moment? The girls must have been over the moon with their family complete. Had they got into a routine by now? Were he and Yolanda sharing her huge king-sized bed? If they’d done it once before, even if for only one night, it wouldn’t be too difficult to do it again.

  Thoughts of him kissing Yolanda, caressing her the way he did the very night the twins were conceived piled up in my mind and there was no wiping them to one side. With every memory that I pushed away, a new one took its place: the first time I ever saw him in his Zenyatta Mondatta Police T-shirt. The first time he touched me. The first time he held me. The first compliment he ever made me. The night I’d kissed him in front of everyone at the benefit ball. The time we’d almost made love in the garden… How could I ever, ever forget him? It didn’t matter what his real name was or where he lived or even if he had a million children. I missed him.

  My mobile rang and I fished it out of my bag, my heart hammering, but it was Yolanda. Even though I was dying to know how everyone was, I didn’t want to be told by my sister.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Nat? Were you asleep?’

  ‘Of course not,’ I said. ‘How are things?’

  ‘Absolutely perfect!’ she answered. ‘You were right – what a man! We’re a perfect fit – and he loves the girls, and they’re crazy about him.’

  A perfect fit. Of course. I was not surprised. ‘That’s good. I’m glad it’s working out.’

  ‘How about coming over for dinner tomorrow night? I want you to be there when we tell the girls.’

  ‘You haven’t told them yet?’

  ‘We wanted to do it with you. After all, you’re more than just their aunt.’

  ‘Thank you, but that’s—’

  ‘Plus we can get you up to speed on the latest.’

  ‘The latest?’

  ‘We’ve got news!’

  Oh my God. It had taken them less time than I’d expected. My head began to pound alongside my heart. ‘I can’t tomorrow tonight, Yola. I’ve got stuff to do.’

  ‘All right, I guess I can keep it under wraps for just a little longer!’

  ‘Right,’ I said, suddenly exhausted. My arms and legs had no strength left in them, and my heart was as empty as a conch shell.

  I considered trying to put her off indefinitely, but my masochistic side got the better of me. I wanted to know how he was, what he was doing. But was I going to be able to look him in the eye?

  *

  Yolanda’s concrete and glass villa was at the opposite end of the cove and a short drive from my old house. As I pulled up, the front door burst open and out piled the girls, making a run for me and throwing their arms around my neck.

  ‘Auntie Nat! Auntie Nat!’

  ‘Oh,’ I suddenly cried. ‘I’ve missed you guys!’

  At the front door, lingering, were Shane and Yolanda, exchanging glan
ces. He looked completely at home with them. God, facing them was going to be more difficult than I’d thought.

  I pasted a smile on my face and, with my arms around both girls, trudged up the drive as if going to the noose.

  ‘Hey…!’ Yolanda said, embracing me, and over her shoulder his dark, unreadable eyes met mine.

  A lump formed in my throat. I couldn’t do it. There was no way I could fake my way through this evening.

  ‘So what’s the news?’ I asked once inside, wishing I could just liquefy and slide under the floorboards.

  ‘Well, first things first, Shane’s parents are flying in next week to meet us!’ Yolanda said. Her cheeks were bright red and I’d never seen her this happy my entire life, and I was happy for her. But why did it have to be with him, of all men? Oh, God, I was a horrible sister.

  ‘Oh. Wow, that’s uhm, great, Yola. I’m happy for you.’

  ‘And there’s more!’

  Of course there was. Only I didn’t know if I could take it.

  ‘Shane is going to legally recognise his paternity so the girls will take his surname for all intents and purposes.’

  ‘Oh…’ was all I could say, still unable to look at him. If he was disappointed, he didn’t show it.

  ‘I’ll… go check on dinner,’ he murmured and disappeared down the corridor. It had taken him a very short space of time to slip into their lives, living in Yolanda’s home like he’d been there since the beginning. As if he actually belonged there.

  I stood tall and smiled for my sister’s benefit. ‘Congratulations, Yolanda. I’m very happy for you and the girls.’

  ‘Wait – there’s more. Last, but not least,’ she said, shoving her hand under my nose and I was suddenly blinded by a huge shiny rock on her third finger. ‘He proposed last night!’

  ‘Oh my God!’ I cried. Really cried. For her, for me, for all of us.

  ‘I haven’t been this happy since the girls were born, Nat!’ Yolanda laughed.

  Crikey, did she have to rub it in? She’d got the boy, for the umpteenth time, while I was left standing alone at the umpteenth party. I got it. Nothing new. ‘I’m happy for you, Yolanda. Truly I am.’

  And that was when Shane came back into the room. ‘Uhm, Yolanda? Your broccoli soufflé isn’t looking very, uhm… soufflé-ish. It’s kind of sunk.’

  Yolanda shot up. ‘Oh no – be right back!’

  I swallowed as he came to stand opposite me, his hands stuffed into his pockets, his spaniel eyes fixed on me. What next, was he going to ask me to be happy for them?

  ‘Hi again, Nat,’ he whispered.

  I swallowed. ‘Hello, Shane.’

  ‘Can I please have a word?’

  I nodded stiffly.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Listen, Nat,’ he whispered. ‘I know I screwed up with you tremendously. And I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?’

  I was silent, willing the tears back into my eyeballs. Shane was the last person I wanted to be around, but for the good of the girls, we had to be civil to each other.

  ‘I don’t know what to make of any of this. You slept with my sister and oh, gosh, had two kids with her. How is that supposed to make me feel?’

  ‘I know,’ he whispered. ‘But can’t we be civil with each other, for the girls’ sake?’

  Civil? I wanted to roll in the sheets with him forever and ever, cook him my best recipes, walk down the coastal path hand in hand until we needed Zimmer frames and had to remind each other of our medication, and he only wanted to be civil?

  ‘For the girls’ sake, I’ll t-try…’

  ‘Thank you. I’m really looking forward to the future.’

  I’ll bet.

  ‘And I have to thank you. For making it all possible.’

  That much was true. I had made the transition an easy one. The girls loved him, he and Yolanda had resumed their relationship, albeit years later. She was the mother of his children, and she was beautiful and successful. A perfect catch for him. So what the heck was I still standing around here for? My work was done.

  ‘I’m sure you’ll all be very happy together,’ I said and swallowed, the words burning my throat. ‘So, when’s the big day?’

  ‘In December,’ he answered.

  Only two months away. ‘Wow, you move fast.’

  He blushed. ‘Yes, well, I’ve been waiting for this moment for a while now. I couldn’t have done it without you. I’m just so sorry that I had to lie to you.’

  I looked up into his dark eyes, and the entire world I would be missing out on. Everything that I had thought we had been slowly building together – the quiet evening chats alone in the garden, his dependability, his help with my mother and the kids, the fact that he had helped me with my job, cheered me up, given me confidence in my skills. And the subtle flirting/non-flirting that kept me going. How silly I had been, to think that it could actually mean more than that.

  I had thought it had all been his way of showing me he cared. But, as it turned out, he didn’t care in that way at all. Because he was marrying Yolanda, the mother of his children. And they would be a proper family. All they needed was a dog and their lives would be more than perfect.

  ‘I want my girls to continue living in a happy environment. But I can’t start a new life with them knowing that you are not on board.’

  ‘Of course I’m on board. I love those girls and want every happiness for them. I’ll do whatever it takes.’

  ‘Then will you forgive me? Can we be friends again?’

  ‘Friends?’ How could I possibly be friends with him without my heart breaking completely? Without feeling stabs of pain every time he looked at Yolanda? But, I understood, it wasn’t all about me. It was about my nieces, two little innocent girls who had no fault whatsoever and who needed a united family. And who were looking at a new, better life with their real father. Who was I to rain on their parade?

  ‘Let’s just say we’ll be civilised.’ I closed my eyes briefly, unable to bear the weight of tears roaring like a river fall behind my lids. ‘After all, not only are you the twins’ father, but you’re also going to be my, ah, brother-in-law.’

  His eyebrows shot up. ‘What?’

  I heaved a huge sigh and squeezed the bridge of my nose. ‘Yolanda told me.’

  ‘Nat,’ he said, taking my arms and peering down into my face. ‘Yolanda is getting married all right – but to Bill, her producer – not me!’

  I gawped at him, his image blurry from my tears that had managed to break through after all my efforts. ‘You’re not… marrying Yolanda?’

  ‘Nat, Nat,’ he said softly. ‘Do you really think that I could ever have feelings for Yolanda, when I’m absolutely, positively, head over heels in love with you?’

  I blinked again and a few hot tears landed on my cheeks, running down to my chin. ‘Me?’ I croaked. ‘But – she said you proposed last night.’

  He laughed. ‘No – Bill swung by to pick her up last night. Great bloke, by the way. The girls and I had pizza and played Monopoly in front of the fire. He proposed – not me.’

  ‘So you don’t love Yolanda…?’ was all I could say. ‘All this time, you weren’t waiting for her to come back so you could…?’

  His fingers traced my jawline to where my tears had gathered and he wiped them away with his thumbs as his eyes caressed my face.

  ‘Sweetheart, let me make this clear for you, once and for all. I love you, not Yolanda. And not because you have taken care of the girls so stupendously well, nor because I am so happy when I’m with you, or because you’re so hot and it’s been pure hell trying to keep my bloody hands off you. I love you because you are you. And I always will love you. Only you.’

  He loved me? Like, in real, real love? Oh, my God. Apart from when my daughters were born, was this not one of the best days of my entire life?

  ‘But… but,’ I faltered. ‘You never said! You never gave any sign of having feelings for me!’

  He huffed, his eyes bright.
‘How could I, knowing I was lying to you? I had absolutely no right to do so. Not until I told you the truth.’

  ‘Then why didn’t you? Why did you leave me in the dark all this time?’

  ‘Oh, I tried – a thousand times a day! But every time you looked up at me with those beautiful, trusting eyes… I just didn’t have the heart to. I didn’t want to ruin everything between us. And I eventually did.’ He ran a hand through his hair, his eyes sad. ‘That night, in the garden, when we were about to make love…’

  I buried my face in my hands, remembering what I’d said to him. Love me, Connor.

  ‘Please, I’m embarrassed enough as it is.’

  ‘I wanted you so so badly, Nat. Truly, I did. I wanted to make love to you like I’d never wanted anything in my entire life. But in that moment, when you called me by a name that wasn’t mine, it suddenly hit how horribly I was deceiving you, when instead you trusted me completely. It had nothing to do with me not wanting you, Nat. Oh, I wanted you all right. And I still do.’

  As I listened to him, my cheeks flooded all over again. The man who had been on my mind from the day we met, the one who was not for me for so, so many reasons, now wanted me too?

  ‘Are you sure…?’

  His face softened even more. ‘Oh, Nat, did you really think there could be anyone else besides you?’

  I shrugged. ‘I dunno…’

  He bent down and kissed my tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Nat…’ he whispered. ‘I’m so sorry for letting you doubt for a single moment what my feelings were. It was so difficult, not giving in to my feelings right from the start. Because the moment you opened your front door, I was love-struck. But knowing what I was going to do, I couldn’t take advantage of you like that. And I wanted you to believe me when I finally did tell you.’

  I looked up at him and he took my hands in his. ‘I know a lot has happened in the past few weeks. But it’s still me, Nat.’

  I huffed, unable to speak.

  ‘Have we still got a chance to be happy together?’ he whispered, kissing my new tears.

  ‘I-I don’t know,’ I stammered. ‘I just need to… to take stock.’