If I Break

by Portia Moore

  Angela gets up and walks toward me. “It may seem bad now, but when you hold that little baby in your arms, and you see its eyes and its smile, all of this shit you’re going through now will be worth it.”

  I hug her. She has been such a good friend to me, through all of my crazy mood swings and anti-social behavior, she’s never complained and always listened without asking.

  I’m going to get through this. I’m going to have to be a better woman, more for myself and now for this baby that’s growing inside of me. Things aren’t just about me anymore. I can’t cry for Cal another day. My life can’t be wrapped around him or his memory. I guess in some way, he’s given me a piece of him, and now I have someone else to love.

  December 7th 2010

  Next week, I 'll be standing in a church in front of over five hundred guests, most of whom Cal or I don't really care about, even Michael was invited. I don’t hate him so much anymore though. A thousand pictures will be taken as we say our vows for the second time. I’ll be wearing a nine-thousand-dollar Vera Wang gown and a diamond necklace that costs even more than that and it will be followed by a grand reception. But that’s not my wedding; well, supposedly it is, but I call it “The Crest Field Affair.”

  Cal and I have joked about it. Dexter says it will be good for the company’s image—whatever that is. Cal wanted to blow it off, but Helen begged me. I never thought she’d beg a day in her life, and, I guess, what girl wouldn’t want two weddings?

  But today, on this perfect 70-degree day on a private beach in Rio, wearing a little white sundress, pearls and a yellow flower in my hair, with my toes in the beautiful white sand, I commit to spending the rest of my life with the man who swept me off my feet and captured my heart. My tears flow freely as I hold his hand. He’s in white slacks and a matching short-sleeved button up with a yellow handkerchief in his pocket. He’s displaying a boyish grin but I know the naughtiness that hides behind it. He squeezes my hand as the pastor—whose English is a little less than perfect—has given him the go ahead to say his vows. He takes a deep breath and Dexter pats him on the shoulder. He lets out a small laugh, but then his expression turns serious.

  “Lauren, you know that I love you more than anything, more than anyone,” he says, his voice steady and I hear Raven sigh a few feet away from me. I giggle, but the weight of his words cause a warm rush to come over me.

  “You’ve made me a better man,” he says a little more softly and pauses. I wipe away the tears from my eyes and resist the urge to hug him tightly. He steps closer towards me and kisses away the tears on my cheeks. More swooning comes from the women in our audience, which includes Angela, Raven, Hillary, and Helen.

  “I’ve never wanted anything more than our marriage, Lauren. You’re the one thing that belongs to me. The only pure thing I have is us. I used to have a different reason for being. It came from a dark place. My motivation changed when I fell in love with you. You’re my strength and my weakness. You’re the reason I fight to be here,” he says my face now in his hands and I can’t resist the urge to kiss him at that moment. I give in, nearly jumping into his arms. His lips welcome mine and I rest in his embrace.

  “I love you so much, Cal,” I say quietly when our lips have separated and only he can hear me.

  I’m sure the pastor is shooting me a disapproving look for jumping the gun on the kiss, but I don’t care. Nothing has been traditional about us before so why start now? As long as this ends with me being proclaimed Mrs. Lauren Scott, nothing else will matter—not his secrets, not his past. Every negative echo that rested in my brain has melted away; it just doesn’t matter. Our love will overcome whatever issues we’ll face. I’m sure they will come up, every marriage has them, but when I see his gleaming gray eyes that sometimes reflect warm green shades behind them; I know we’ll get through whatever life throws our way. He may not be perfect, but I think I just may have found my super sexy, leather jacket-wearing, motorcycle-riding Prince Charming of the 21st century.

  March 7th 2013

  “Haaapppy biirthday tooo you, haapppy birthday too yooou. Happy birthday, dear Caylen. Haappy biirthdayy too youoooo,” Hillary sings. The rest of us are doubled up, laughing at her dramatic, horrible, over-the-top singing.

  “Screw you all. Caylen liked it, didn’t you, honey?” she says, pinching my little girl’s cheeks.

  “Smile!” Angela says quickly and a flash almost blinds me of course Caylen immediately begins to cry.

  “Angie!” Hilary scolds her.

  “What? I’m sorry, baby. I just wanted a picture of your beautiful face,” Angela says, running her hands through Caylen’s jet-black hair.

  “It’s okay, she’s sleepy anyway. You old people tired her out,” I joke, cradling her in my arms.

  “I’m going to put her to bed.”

  “I’ll help you,” Helen says suddenly. She’s been quiet all night, which is unusual for her.

  “Meanwhile, I’m going to steal a piece of this delicious-looking cake,” Hillary says quickly.

  I walk up the stairs, rubbing Caylen’s back—the only thing that quiets her down when she’s fighting sleep. Helen is quietly following behind me. I open the door to the nursery, which is painted in all pink with white furniture. Helen did a beautiful job decorating and supplying everything in the room herself. I still can’t believe how different the loft looks from before Caylen was born. I look down at my little girl, rubbing her eyes, and my heart melts. It is still amazing to me now much you can love a person so much that didn’t’ exist in your life for most of it. I put her in the crib so I can grab a pair of her pajamas. Helen stands by the crib, keeping her busy while I find my favorite pair.

  “She’s grown so much,” Helen says with a sigh.

  “Yeah. She has.” I smile, taking off her t-shirt and putting her pajamas on.’

  “It seems like just yesterday she was in your stomach,” she teases.

  “Yes, kicking her way out,” I giggle. I know why I slept so much in my early months—because I barely got any sleep in the latter months of my pregnancy.

  “And tomorrow, she’ll be a year old. She’s so beautiful, Lauren,” Helen says, admiring her again.

  “Raven’s taking her to the zoo tomorrow, so she gets double the birthday fun,” I tickle Caylen before I finish putting her clothes on. I’m thankful she’s not putting up a fight like she usually does.

  “You’re going to be a good girl and go to sleep for mommy, right?” I ask, seeing her little mouth open for a yawn. When I put her in her crib she reaches out her arms for me. I lay her back down, placing her blanket over her. I hold her hand until her eyes close.

  “It’s amazing how much she looks like C– “ she stops her sentence quickly and folds her hands as if she’s a kid that said a bad word.

  “You know, you can say his name around me. I’m not going to shrivel up and die if you do,” I joke to lessen the tension in the room.

  “I wasn’t going to say anything,” Helen lies, picking up the stuffed bear Hillary bought Caylen for her birthday.

  “Cal. You were going to say she looks just like Cal. You know, the thought has crossed my mind. I’m not blind.” Sharpness is creeping into my voice that I didn’t intend. Helen looks away uncomfortably.

  I take a deep breath. “It’s almost been two years. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. You can say his name. I won’t die, or start crying.” I understood how weird it was for her to talk about him when it first happened. I remember how angry I was the day after I found out I was pregnant with Caylen. I stormed straight into the mansion demanding to know where Cal was, because if anyone knew, it was Dexter. He proceeded to say how he sympathized with my situation and how he and Helen would be there for me, but he had no idea where Cal was. After three private detectives came up with nothing on Cal, six months pregnant and desperate I begged Dexter one last time to contact Cal for me and he looked me in my face and told me he didn’t know where Cal was. It was the biggest lie he ever t
old. I didn’t speak to him or Helen again until after Caylen was born.

  Helen came to the hospital with dozens of roses, balloons, and teddy bears. She practically out did everyone who gave me something at my baby shower. I couldn’t be mean to her after that. After all, I couldn’t blame her for the bond that Dexter and Cal had. I could be dying and Dexter wouldn’t tell me where Cal was if he asked him not to.

  “I’m sorry, I never realized. Well, actually I did, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all that you’re going through, Lauren. If I—”

  I cut her off. “Helen, you don’t have to apologize for anything. You’ve been wonderful to me and Caylen. I’m not angry with you. I don’t resent you. I’m not even upset with Dexter anymore. I’ve gotten past that. If he hasn’t told me where Cal is, it has to be because Cal doesn’t want him to. I’ve accepted that now. I can’t blame anyone else for his actions. You tell Dexter that for me, he can come to Caylen’s future birthdays or visit her when he wants. He doesn’t have to worry about me bombarding him with questions or going psycho on him,” I laugh slightly.

  Helen smiles. “I’ll tell him that. He’s been dying to see her. I’m glad that you’ve gotten over him,” she says, breathing a sigh of relief.

  I look over at her and roll my eyes. “Truthfully, I haven’t. I don’t know if I ever will, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to spend the rest of my life waiting around for him. He gave me the most wonderful gift he ever could have, and I’ll always be thankful for that. But I’ll never forgive him for not being a part of Caylen’s life.” I realize I sound more bitter than I intend to. I haven’t said his name aloud since Caylen was born, or talked to anyone about him. I guess I can’t help but be bitter.

  “You have every right to be angry. I knew Cal could be Cal but I never thought he’d do something like this.”

  “You aren’t the only one,” I say quietly before kissing Caylen on the cheek. She’s finally drifted off to sleep.

  “Night, sweetie,” Helen whispers and walks out. Before I follow her out the door, I switch off the main light and turn the night light on.

  Back downstairs, Raven is taking off her coat and trying to hold three gift boxes at the same time. “I hear I missed the birthday girl.”

  “Raven, you’re here!” I smile widely, giving her a big hug.

  “Yes, you wouldn’t believe the traffic. I was supposed to be here two hours ago,” she says angrily, setting down the gifts.

  “Raven, you didn’t,” I scold her. She’s bought Caylen so many things already.

  “Of course I did. You didn’t really think I was not going to buy my favorite little girl something for her birthday? But since I’m old fashioned, she won’t be able to open them until her real birthday,” Raven scolds me playfully.

  “Well, a Monday isn’t the best time for a party. Everyone has work or school.”

  “Tell me there are plenty of pictures,” she smiles, handing me her coat.

  I take it from her and hang it in the closet. “Steven recorded everything, I’ll get him to send it to your phone.”

  Her smile fades a bit. Raven hasn’t quite taken to Steven as much as I’d like.

  “Steven. Oh yes, where is he?” she says, trying to sound cheerful, but I can see the disinterest in her eyes.

  “He’s setting up Caylen’s new bed,” I tell her.

  “Well that’s nice.” She notices Helen, who has taken a seat on the couch. “Hello, Helen, how are you?” Raven asks politely.

  “Hello, Ms. Brooks,” Helen says, extending her hand. “I’m fine, thank you. Lauren, I think it’s time for me to get going.”

  “Already?” I ask disappointed.

  “Yes, Dexter and I have an engagement that we just can’t miss,” she groans sarcastically, grabbing her leather jacket.

  “Well, let me get you some cake,” I say before she stops me.

  “No cake. I’m already on a diet, no need to tempt me.” She smiles and gives me a warm hug.

  “You’re in beautiful shape; you don’t need a diet,” Raven tells her seriously.

  Helen smiles graciously at her. “Well, thank you, but there’s this certain dress that I’m dying to get into by my birthday, so I’m just going to lose a couple of pounds.” Helen winks.

  “I’ll walk you out,” I tell her.

  “I’m going to go peek at the little angel. Nice seeing you again, Helen,” Raven says before heading up the stairs.

  Helen nods, and we both head to the elevator in the lobby. “So, Thursday—girls day out at the spa—no canceling on me this time!” Helen scolds.

  “I won’t; I promise.” I smile widely as she steps in the elevator.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow,” she says as the doors shut.

  I wave before they close and exhale, shivering and wrapping my arms around myself—they keep the air conditioning on in the hall all year, it seems. She’s right to give me a hard time. I’ve canceled on more than a couple of occasions. I think my excuses are probably getting old.

  I turn to walk back into the penthouse. The party is practically over, and my thoughts drift to Caylen, her first birthday, and the fact that her dad’s not here.

  “You okay?” I look up to see Steven staring at me curiously.

  “Yeah, why?”

  He walks closer to me, with a concerned look on his face. “You looked a little weird.”

  “I-I’m fine,” I say, forcing a smile.

  His hand touches my face gently, and I don’t move it. “You sure?” He asks, looking at me skeptically.

  I smile softly. “I am now.” A movement behind him catches my eye and I look to see Raven standing at the head of the stairs. I step back from him and fold my arms.

  “Lauren, can I speak to you a moment?” she calls.

  “Sure,” I say quickly.

  “Hi, Ms. Brooks.” Steven smiles and gives her a small wave. Raven smiles tightly at him, but doesn’t say anything back. I give Steven a sympathetic look, but he just laughs, heading back to where everyone else is.

  I head up stairs and into Caylen’s bedroom, where Raven is holding her. “She woke up?”

  “She’s fine; I have my sweetie,” she says, fanning me away. Raven sits down in the rocking chair and cuddles Caylen while brushing her dark locks.

  “So. You and Steven have gotten quite close again since I last saw you two together.”

  I think back to before I was married and before I dated Michael. There was Steven. With his sandy blonde hair and soft blue eyes that are only second to his, comical personality, he always knows what to say to make me smile; even after we mutually broke up, we remained good friends, which is something I can’t say about Michael and I.

  “He’s my friend,” I tell her quickly.

  “Is he still with that nice girl I met who was at your baby shower?”

  “No. They broke up a few months ago.”

  “Well, how convenient,” she says airily.

  I feel my stomach knot. “Ok. Out with it. What are you asking me?”

  “Do you have feelings for him?” she asks casually as she sits Caylen on the floor and hands her a teddy bear to play with.

  “What if I do? What if I do have feelings for him?” I ask, annoyed.

  Raven continues to focus on Caylen. “Well, if you haven’t forgotten, you’re still married.”

  “No, I’m not married, actually,” I say sharply.

  Her head turns quickly toward me. “You aren’t?” she asks, shocked.

  “Marriage to me is more than a piece of paper with two names on it.”

  “So, you’re going to start a relationship with him again?”

  “Look, I didn’t say anything about a relationship,” I yell, and Caylen starts to cry. Raven hands her to me, and I rock her in my arms.

  “Lauren, I think it’s time you stop pretending that Cal doesn’t exist.”

  My mouth completely drops open at that. That’s my Raven, the only person who doesn’t shrink away from mentioning hi
m around me, but she’s never been this blunt about it.

  “Pretend? God, I wish! You think I can just block him out? Well, let me tell you. You don’t know how hard it is for me here. Being in this house where everywhere I look, I remember something I’d rather forget. Every time I close my eyes he’s there, sometimes I swear I can feel his arms around me,” I can feel tears building in my eyes, and thankfully, Caylen’s finally settled back down. I lay her down in the crib and watch her fall asleep.

  “Every time I look at his daughter, I see his eyes, his smile.” I run my hands through Caylen’s full head of dark curly locks.

  “When I look at her, sometimes all I see is him.” A single tear rolls down my cheek, and Raven’s arms encircle me.

  “I’m sorry honey; I shouldn’t have even suggested what I did. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “It’s okay,” I say quickly, wiping my cheek. “This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to cry over him in a while,” I say almost to myself. One tear isn’t that bad compared to…

  “This thing with Steven?” Raven asks, her expression a lot softer than before.

  “I don’t know,” I say honestly, folding my arms. “He’s just been so sweet and kind.”

  “And here,” Raven adds.

  “Yes,” I admit. “That’s the thing,” I walk over to the bedroom door and close it. “I don’t know if my feelings are genuine, or if loneliness is starting to take its toll,” I tell her, picking up one of Caylen’s many teddy bears and fiddling with its arms.

  “That’s understandable,” Raven says stoically. I can see that I’m making her uncomfortable.

  “I don’t want to hurt him Raven. I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Tell him how you feel. Exactly where you stand—if you feel it’s time and this could be something you really want to explore. You need to look into divorcing Cal. He abandoned your marriage…”