If I Break

by Portia Moore

  “Cal, what did you do?!” I ask frantically, leading him into the guest bathroom.

  “Don’t be mad, but I punched a hole in our wall,” he says casually, as I run water over his hand.

  My head snaps toward him.

  “Why did you do that?!” I say, grabbing our first-aid kit and pulling out the antibiotic wipes.

  “Dex really pissed me off,” he says, sitting on the edge of the bathtub while I clean his hand.

  I nod and take a deep breath.

  “I kind of heard you talking to him,” I admit looking up at him guiltily. His eyes widen just for a moment before his calm demeanor returns. I wait for him to say something, but he doesn’t.

  “Did it have something to do with me?” I ask, sitting on his lap.

  “I’m--I’m going to be gone a little more than I thought I was,” he says, his gaze on the floor. I take a deep breath and smile.

  “That’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay but it's nothing to go punching holes in the wall over,” I tease him running my hands through his hair. If we ever have kids one day, I hope they have his hair. It’s thick shiny and luscious like he’s in a shampoo commercial.

  “I’m a big girl,” I add trying to comfort him, but really my heart has dropped in my stomach.

  A shadow of a smile passes over his face but only briefly.

  “I’m not feeling too good, babe. Would it be really fucked up if we didn’t go out tonight?” he says, searching my expression, and I don’t let a hint of my disappointment show.

  I give him a wide smile.

  “No, babe. If you’re not feeling well. It’s nothing we can’t do another day,” I lie with a smile covering up my disappointment.

  “Are you sure? Because we can if you still want to do something I can just lie down,” he says, cupping my chin and looking into my eyes, as if he’s searching for my true feelings.

  But I won’t let him see them. I know whatever happened during that conversation is going to have his mind a thousand miles away anyway.

  “No, get some rest. It’s your first day back home and you’re probably jet-lagged. It’s fine,” I assure him, kissing him softly on the lips.

  “I’m going to make it up to you,” he says as I get off his lap and I smile.

  “And you don’t have to sit here with me. You should call your girls and go out,” he urges me as he walks into the bedroom and lies across the bed.

  “I’m not going to spend our anniversary out with them. As long as I’m with you, that’s what’s important,” I say, crawling next to him.

  He wraps one of his arms around me and holds me close to him.

  “You know that I love you, right?” I’d expect for him to sound playful like his normal self but his tone is sullen.

  “Of course I do,” I say, looking back at him curiously.

  “No, seriously.” He turns my body around toward him, so I’m facing him completely. We’re eye to eye.

  “No matter what. Whatever happens--if anything were to happen--nothing, under any circumstances,” He takes my hand and places it on his chest and holds it there. “Will ever take you from here.” I try to search for something to say. His words are heavy in the air and he continues. “Even if it doesn’t seem like it, always know how much I love you. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, and even if I screw it up--”

  I cup his face in my hand.

  “Cal, you’re scaring me. Is everything okay?” I ask sitting up and leaning on my elbow.

  The seriousness on his face vanishes and is replaced by a playful grin.

  “Yeah, just trying to get laid,” he kids then pulls me down next to him again.

  I smile but there’s still uneasiness crawling all over my body and I can’t ignore it.

  “You can tell me anything. Nothing wouldn’t change the way I feel about you. You’ll always be my Cal,” I say honestly, from the pit of my soul ignoring his playful glare.

  “I know. That’s why I love you,” he says, his boyish grin calming my earlier tremors. As he kisses me they slowly disappear.

  I kiss him back and rest my head on his chest. And even though he insinuated his speech was an attempt to get sex he doesn’t touch me in a way that leads me to believe it. He holds me as if he’s just savoring us in this moment and I lie in his arms until we both fall asleep and I savor it too.

  May 9th 2013

  When the knock at the door comes, I try to calm my nerves. I’ve already cleared Steven with security as one of my guests, so he doesn’t have to buzz in to get to my floor.

  “Hey,” his tone is upbeat and his expression warm—until his eyes drift down to my outfit and he sees that I’m in an oversized red t-shirt and jeans. Not exactly lunch date attire.

  “Hi,” I say, trying to down play my apprehension.

  “Are you ready to go?” he asks skeptically.

  “I need to talk to you,” I tell him, inviting him to come in.

  “Okay.” He hesitates, but follows me in.

  I lock the door and take a deep breath.

  “Can you sit down for a little bit.” I gesture to the sofa, and he nods, taking a seat. I sit on a chair across from him instead of beside him.

  “Is something wrong?” he asks, able to feel the awkwardness of the moment.

  “Cal was here last night,” I tell him hastily.

  His expression goes from concerned to stunned. “Oh,” he says, his eyes widening and mouth falls agape. “Wow. He came back? Is he here?” he says looking around.

  “No, you don’t understand,” I chuckle. “He’s not back. He’s… I heard him yesterday in Caylen’s room. I’m waiting for some sort of reaction, but his expression doesn’t change.

  “I heard him talking to her, and when I heard him, I sort of freaked out.” I stand and begin to pace the room.

  “I don’t understand,” he says, looking as confused as I sound.

  “Well, I didn’t really see him, but I know he was here. He locked me in my room.”

  He glides his hand across his face. When I say it out loud I realize how crazy this sounds. “Are you sure that he was here?” he asks, sighing.

  “I’d bet my life on it.”

  He nods. “So I guess that means lunch is off,” he laughs dryly.

  “I thought I was ready to move on. I really did, but I’m not… I-I’m so sorry,” I keep my eye on the floor, too guilty to look at him. He approaches me and he places his hands on my shoulders. I look at him, but avoid his eyes. I don’t know what to say.

  “All this time I’ve been spending with you, made me realize how much I’ve missed you. I started to fall for you again,” he confesses, making my pit of embarrassment and guilt deeper.

  “…Last night when you asked me out, I thought it was a sign. I didn’t want to tell you how I’ve been feeling about you. I didn’t want you to think my spending time with you and Caylen was because of some hidden agenda, because it wasn’t, and it still isn’t. But, my feelings have changed, and I can’t just look on anymore,” he continues.

  He then looks straight into my eyes. “I know how much he put you through—even when you’re smiling, there’s sadness in your eyes. Now, you think you might have heard his voice and you’re the happiest I’ve seen you in a year. I can’t compete with that.”

  I try to blink my tears away. What’s wrong with me? I have this great guy standing in front of me, and all I can think about is Cal.

  “Don’t cry,” he says, pulling me into a hug.

  “You don’t hate me?” I whimper against his chest.

  “No. I’ll get over it. I promise,” he says with a light chuckle. I can’t help but smile as well.

  “I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy for Caylen,” he says kissing me on the forehead.

  “You’re going to make someone really happy one day,” I smile patting his arm as we part.

  “Aww shucks,” he jokes. “Well I better get going then. I’m starving,” he says, patting his stomach. �
�You know, we can still go out if you want…”

  “I kind of ate before you got here,” I admit, a little embarrassed. “I can fix you something, though. Salad or… cereal?” I frown as I realize I really need to learn how to cook.

  He laughs. “No, I’m probably just going to go grab a burger or something,” he says, heading to the door.

  I follow him. “Thanks for being so…” I start and he puts his hands up.

  “We don’t want this to get awkward or all emotional,” he laughs and I nod.

  “I’ll see you later,” he says, patting me on the arm. I accompany him to the door and watch him walk down the hall to the elevator. I wonder if I’m doing the right thing? I have this wonderful man who wants me, despite my issues, who is nice, funny and handsome, and I’m throwing it away for—what? I’m not even sure yet. Still, Steven deserves someone who will love him with her whole heart not a woman who already gave her heart away. I wave as he enters the elevator and the doors slide shut on my innocent, budding romance.

  ***

  The door buzzer sounds, and I look at the camera. Hillary is standing downstairs. Hmmm. She didn’t say anything about coming over today. I buzz her in and glance at the clock. I still have an hour before Raven and Caylen will be home from the zoo. I get my blanket off the couch and fold it just in time for Hillary to knock on the door. I answer it, and she swoops in, obviously on a mission.

  She whirls around suddenly. “You ditched Steven?”

  “What?”

  “God, Lauren what’s wrong with you?” she exclaims. “Don’t you know he has had a thing for you for months now? Then when you finally wake up and see it, you suddenly ditch him because you think you heard Cal?”

  “Wait a minute. You’ve known how Steven’s felt all this time, and you haven’t told me?”

  “I didn’t know how you felt, and I didn’t want to ruin things between you guys if you didn’t feel the same way,” she states simply. “And what is this thing about you think you heard Cal? What the hell is with that?”

  I try to maintain my composure. I open my mouth to say something, but she cuts me off, “Lauren, he’s been gone for a while now; don’t you think it’s time to get over him? I thought you were over him for God’s sake!”

  “Wait a minute, Hillary, you need to calm down. You don’t know anything about what’s been going on with me, so before you come in here and start chastising anyone, you need to know what’s going on.” This is why I don’t talk to her. This is exactly why I go to Angela before her.

  “Ok, fine. Then tell me what’s going on,” she demands, tapping her foot impatiently on the floor.

  “I woke up to hear Caylen crying on the baby monitor. When I tried to go to her, I realized that my door was locked, and then I heard Cal talking to her. I couldn’t go to her; I couldn’t get out. By the time Raven got back from the drug store and let me out of my room, he was gone.”

  “And this is the reason you’re throwing away your chance with Steven? You didn’t even see him Lauren,” she says condescendingly.

  Her tone is pissing me off. “I don’t think I heard anything, I know I did. I have proof,” I tell her, walking over to the counter and handing her Caylen’s bracelet.

  “D.L.G. What the hell does that mean?” she asks, looking up from the bracelet as if it’s meaningless.

  “It stands for Daddy’s Little Girl.”

  “When he was talking to her, I heard him say he had something for her. It was this!”

  She sighs, seeming to be unfazed by it and hands it back to me.

  “Don’t you get it?” I continue. “I heard Cal talking to her, and then suddenly she’s wearing this bracelet from out of nowhere with those initials. You tell me how that’s possible,” I demand.

  “Ok, so what? Let’s suspend all disbelief and say it was him. If he really was here, what happens now? Are you going to sit around waiting for him to pop up again?”

  I open my mouth to say something, but I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say.

  “If he does come back, then what? You’re going to take him back with open arms, wipe the slate clean forgetting the fact that he was M.I.A. for two years, doing God knows what—or who—that’s okay with you? It’s fucking fantastic that he left you, pregnant to raise Caylen alone and he gets the thumbs up to drop in whenever he feels like it?” she asks me mockingly.

  Hearing her speak about Cal that way sparks something in me.

  “You don’t understand. When I heard him talking to her, it was if something was keeping him from us. That it wasn’t his choice,” I defend him. I’m about to make another comment in Cal’s defense, but the doorbell rings again and I can see its Angela on the monitor. I get up and hit the buzzer for her to be let in.

  “Okay let’s just imagine, ridiculous as it is, something important caused him to abandon his family and now he’s free to come back. What about all the problems you were having before he left? Is everything just going to start over? You’re going to pretend like it never happened? Don’t tell me you’ve grown that desperate,” Hillary says, staring me in the eye. I look away, feeling my cheeks burn. As much as I hate to admit it, she’s right. I’ve been ignoring everything I shouldn’t. I run my hands through my hair and cover my face in frustration.

  “Look, L, I’m your friend. Even if we haven’t been as close as we used to be. I don’t want to see you hurt. I don’t want to see you throw away something that could be genuine for a shot in the dark at a world full of heartache again,” she continues as I bite my lip to keep from really blowing up at her.

  Angela knocking at the door breaks up Hillary’s momentum. I answer the door, and she breezes in to the penthouse. “Where’s the birthday girl?” she sings happily with a gift bag in hand. Her smile fades when she sees the look on my face. “What’s going on?” she asks, looking from Hillary to me.

  “I heard Cal last night,” I tell her.

  “She thinks she heard Cal last night,” Hillary corrects.

  “I know I heard him; I showed you the bracelet!” I shout at her.

  “Wait. What?!” Angela is confused and shocked by the conversation and how Hillary and I are at each others throats.

  I show her the bracelet and brief her on what happened earlier with Cal.

  “I think I need to sit down,” she exhales, taking a seat next to Hillary.

  Angela is looking at me sympathetically, and Hillary is looking at me in disbelief.

  “You believe me, don’t you, Angie?” I ask her hopefully, focusing my gaze on the more optimistic side of the couch. I need someone to just at least admit that there’s a possibility that what I’m saying may be true.

  “Lauren I don’t know what to say. I really don’t,” she sighs quietly.

  “She wants to say the same thing I have,” Hillary snarls.

  “Hillary, shut up,” Angela snaps at her.

  “No, I’m not shutting up! Tell her this is crazy!” Hillary snaps back. She grabs her head and closes her eyes.

  “This is driving me crazy! Don’t get me wrong, Lauren. I used to like Cal. I thought I was wrong about him but he turned out to be exactly how I expected him to be,” she says, standing up.

  “Bottom line is if he loved you, he’d have his ass here. He left you when you needed him most, and not just for a week. It’s been almost two years. And you’re sitting here crying and pining away for him as if he’s left for war!” she exclaims.

  “I haven’t been just sitting here. . I have my job, I’ve been raising Caylen!”

  “Yeah, that’s a hell of a life. You edit those or some crap manuscripts because you can do it here alone, shut off from the rest of the world. You were supposed to be an artist and travel the world what happened?!” Her words sting because there’s some truth to them.

  “He walked out on you, and you’re still here being the faithful, little wife, wasting away.”

  “Hillary, don’t!” Angela growls at her, giving her a glare before looking at me symp
athetically.

  “No one else may tell you this, but I’m not going to lie or ignore what’s happening here. That’s why I was sooo happy to see you warming up to Steven again, and then I find out this!”

  “Cal promised me that he wasn’t leaving me for anyone else. He just said that he had to leave. Cal has done a lot of things, but he never lied,” I tell her sharply.

  “How do you know that? Because he says he doesn’t?” Hillary laughs.

  My skin is hot and my heart is pounding. “Cal is a lot of things, but he isn’t a liar!” I approach her so we’re face to face. Angela approaches us quickly, ready to intervene at what she’s seeing is an escalating situation.

  “No Lauren! You probably know him as well as I do, which isn’t much,” she screams, and my anger starts to melt, being replaced by depression. I see the anger leave her face as well.

  “Lauren,” her tone is softer than before. “I should have showed you this when I first got it,” she says, “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt you. I figured if you didn’t know…”

  “What are you talking about? What is she talking about, Angie?” I ask her, exasperated, trying to withstand anything Hillary throws at me next about Cal.

  “I-I don’t know,” Angie says, looking as surprised as I am. “You better sit down,” she tells me gently.

  “What?” I ask her, looking for a brief moment at Angela, who seems genuine.

  Hillary sits next to me before she begins, “You remember last month when I went to my aunt’s birthday?” she says slowly.

  “What does that have to do with this?” I ask anxiously, feeling extremely frustrated as well.

  “Let me finish,” she says, looking me in eye. I fold my arms and listen, hoping it’s not another load of criticism.

  “When I went, my cousin was showing off how her daughter was homecoming queen, and you know, small-town, it made the paper… and while I was looking through it, I saw this,” she says pulling out a piece of paper. She hands it to me. I read the headline and shrug.

  “It’s a newspaper from Madison. That’s, like, about two counties away from Saginaw… what does this have to do with anything?” I ask, my mind reeling with confusion.