Sunflowers

by Melodie Starkey

  They picked up sandwiches and bottles of juice at the Au Bon Pain, and sat on the steps of the gallery discussing which of the stone lions looked more ferocious while they ate. Suddenly Sam called out, “Hi, Sarah!”

  Gus looked over. Sure enough, there she was, with a mortified look on her face and a smiling man holding her hand. She waved weakly, trying to hurry past while her bemused companion had stopped and was looking at them curiously. Gus lowered his gaze back to his lunch, his appetite gone. This certainly explained a lot.

  “Uh, hi, guys,” she said. “How’s your dog?”

  “He’s fine. We’re gonna look at the pitchers. We seen the fish already,” Sam enlightened her.

  “How nice.”

  Jordan spoke up, “Is that your boyfriend?”

  She blushed, carefully avoiding Gus. “This is Reece.”

  “My brother gots a girlfriend. She’s really stupid, and she smells bad.”

  Reece laughed at that. “Hopefully I don’t have either of those problems.”

  Sam added, “We don’t want a new mom. They’re too crabby.”

  At this Gus couldn’t resist a smile. Reece asked, “Oh? Is your old mom crabby?”

  “She’s really really really pretty. I think she’s a movie star. She went away.”

  “I see. Well, not all moms are crabby. Honest. Maybe you and your dad will find a nice one soon.” He moved his arm to Sarah’s waist.

  Sam glanced at his father’s closed face, then shook his head. “I don’t think so. I needa go pee now.”

  “Okay,” Gus answered. “You finished, Jordan?”

  “Yeah. I gotta pee, too.”

  “Okay.” He stood up and nodded his head at the couple. “You’ll excuse us?”

  “Of course. Can’t interfere with the call of nature.” Reece grinned and waved them away.

  As Gus was shepherding the boys up the stairs, he heard Reece jokingly comment, “You ran over the dog of a kid with no mom? Ruthless!”

  He took them to see Van Gogh’s Self Portrait.

  “We already seen this one,” Sam informed him.

  “Some paintings are worth seeing many times.”

  “It’s sort of messy,” Jordan commented.

  “No, it’s ‘posed to look like that,” Sam explained. “It was painted by a crazy guy.”

  Jordan looked at Gus. “Is that true?”

  Gus nodded. “Yes. He was very sad and lonely. Very misunderstood. Eventually he killed himself, which is very, very sad.”

  Jordan stared at him for a long time, while Sam plopped down on the floor to study the painting. Finally Jordan said, “My dad gets real sad sometimes. But I think he’s happy now.”

  “That’s good. I think he’s doing something that makes him happy. We should all be supportive. And eat all his cookies.”

  This made both boys giggle. Gus turned back to the painting and gazed at it. He could feel this man’s pain. In his heart. In his brain. Of course he should have known. Of course he had known—that was why he had never pressed her for more. Would she come back? Not likely. What could they say to each other if she did?

  He managed to hold it in until after Sam fell asleep. Then he got in the shower and directed the hot spray at his face. How was he supposed to survive this sort of hurt? Knowing he wasn’t going to be able to sleep, he sat down at his computer. He checked his email, not really reading most of it. Brought up his latest project and buried some hidden cheats in it to restore health after fighting the fire lord. Decided to add a truly evil witch at the end who was potentially fatal and nearly invincible.

  His instant messaging popped up: “PsyDr2U wants to send you a message. Do you accept?”

  The name didn’t ring a bell. Oh well; he could always block it later. He clicked OK.

  “Gus, I’m so sorry.”

  He grunted as if he’d been sucker punched. He took two purging breaths, then typed, “$1.”

  She wrote back, “??”

  “Sorry = $1 each.”

  There was a long pause, and then she sent a smiley face.

  He took another deep breath, then typed, “Good night.” After clicking SEND, he closed his instant messaging program, then shut the computer off completely. He covered his face with his hands for a long time, then ran his fingers through his hair roughly. Finally he got up and shuffled down the hall. He stopped in the doorway to his bedroom, staring at his large, empty bed, then turned and crossed to Sam’s room. As he lifted the covers gently to slide in, Sam raised his head. “Daddy?”

  “Hey.”

  “Did you have a bad dream?” Sam asked, moving over to make room for him.

  “Yes. That’s exactly what I had.”

  Sam snuggled into his arms and kissed him on the neck. “It’ll be all gone in the morning, okay?”

  Gus smiled damply and hugged him. “Thank you.”

  Chapter 15

  Sam was at Mike’s house for the morning, playing army with the other neighbor boys, a game which seemed to mostly involve climbing all over the furniture in their basement yelling at each other and making machine gun noises. Mike’s mother just smiled serenely through it. The other parents speculated behind her back that she was either partially deaf or seriously medicated. Gus knew he needed to get back to work, but he had not turned the computer back on for three days now, since their trip to Chicago. Which was silly—she was most likely at work, at least during the day. Plus he could just break the internet connection. Uninstall the instant messenger. Stop acting like a baby. He said to Frodo, “Do you think I’m acting like a baby?”

  Frodo rolled his eyes up at him but didn’t answer.

  There was a quick knock on the door. His chest tightened. But no, it was Friday. If she’d come to see her father yesterday, she had stayed away from here. He called, “Yeah?”

  Frank stuck his head in. “Hey. Bad time?”

  “No. Please. I’m looking for procrastination excuses. Come talk to me. Want a beer?”

  “It’s ten a.m. Little early for me.”

  “Oh. Feels like I’ve been sitting here stalling for hours. You sure that’s all it is?”

  Frank grinned and sat down opposite him. “Okay, so what’s up? You’ve been dragging around here like a one winged pigeon practically all week.”

  “How long you been married?”

  “Oh, forever. Twenty years, I guess. Why?”

  “You ever cheat on her? Think she ever cheated on you?”

  “’Course not. Or not that I know of. You aren’t gonna tell me something I don’t want to hear, are you?” Frank answered with a frown.

  “No, no. I just wanted you to reassure me that was still a possibility. Give me something to keep shooting for.”

  “Woman trouble?”

  He nodded, ending with his head tilted back and eyes closed.

  “Sam’s mother, by any chance?”

  Gus sat forward again. “Why would you say that?”

  Frank shrugged. “You never talk about her. Never see her around. I’d sort of figured you were a widower. Did you know he’s been carrying her pictures around with him lately, showing them to people?”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Real pretty lady. Dark hair. Knock out body. Sound familiar?”

  “That’s her. Maureen. But we haven’t had any contact with her in years. No intention of.”

  “She cheat on you?”

  “No. We just fought all the time. Totally incompatible. Super bitch.”

  Frank nodded understanding. “So who’s the problem person then?”

  Gus blew out a long breath, then said, “You remember that woman who hit Fro with her car back in January?”

  “Really!”

  “She came over here right after that, to apologize, you know? But then she just kept on coming back. On Thursday mornings. That’s her day off work, see. She works in the city. Lives in the city. Comes out here on Thursdays to visit her dad in a nursing home. Never saw her any other time. Could never pull an
ything real personal from her.”

  “Okay, let me get this straight. Complete stranger starts showing up on your doorstep once a week like clockwork for what, four months now?”

  “Something like that, yeah.”

  “Were you…?”

  “Yes. That seemed to be pretty much what she was coming around for.”

  “Oh, man!” Frank slapped his thigh and laughed. “You sly devil!” Then, seeing Gus’s grimace, he dropped his smile. “So what’s the problem? You think she’s married?”

  “Maybe. At least attached, I know. Remember when I took the boys to Chicago the other day?”

  Frank nodded.

  “We ran into them. Her and her boyfriend. Out of the eight million people in Chicagoland. ‘Course Sam starts chatting away with her. After all, he’s seen her around the house when he comes home—knows she’s a family friend.”

  “How’d she react?”

  “Real uncomfortable. He seemed to think it was funny.”

  “Can I assume she didn’t show yesterday?”

  “Yeah. I’m sure she won’t be back. I’ve just got to get out of the dumps about it.” Gus shook his head. “I think the real problem is I’m suddenly realizing I’m missing that huge element in my life—a relationship, you know? I mean, of course I’m happy with Sam and all, and I know how lucky I am to get to work the way I do and live the way I do. But I suddenly feel this big…hole.”

  Frank nodded again. Then he sat forward. “Okay, so get over there and fire up that computer.”

  “What?”

  “I’m an old happily married man, and even I know there are lots of on-line dating services. Lots of them are even legit. If nothing else, let’s look up the phone number for Parents without Partners. You ever heard of that? Dear Abby recommends it.”

  Gus grinned. “Now why didn’t I think of Dear Abby? I know what you’re talking about, and I’ve considered that option a few times. I’m just not ready to go there yet. I know this is gonna sound stupid, but I’m feeling sort of…unclean from this whole thing. Like I’ve just been someone’s dildo or something.”

  Frank honked out a laugh at that, but quickly stopped, “I’m sorry man. I’m laughing at your words, not your situation.”

  “It’s okay. I know I’m being stupid anyway.”

  “Hey, speaking of dildo though, I hope you had protection?”

  “Yeah. I guess that should have been my first clue. She shows up here to check on the dog, and just happens to have condoms with her.”

  Frank snorted, shaking his head. “So what does she look like? Any comparison to the beauty queen ex?”

  “Different. Not knock-down gorgeous like that. A softer sort of pretty. Like friendly, you know? Brown hair, real nice eyes, sort of a frail build.” He sighed deeply. “I really fell for her big time. Tell me I’m stupid.”

  “Nah. Sam tells you that enough. You know where she works? Where she lives?”

  “I have her address on the paperwork from the accident. She works at the University of Chicago. Why?”

  “I think you need to at least talk to her. If nothing else, to tell her how bad she’s made you feel.”

  “It doesn’t matter…”

  “Of course it matters. Don’t let women use you for a doormat, man. And, if seeing her again, you find you’re still gaga about her, then do something about it. Send her roses. Send her a thank you card for all of the great lays—that should take care of the boyfriend pretty quick.”

  Shaking his head, Gus grinned at him. “This the sort of advice you’re giving Craig?”

  “Advice I’m giving Craig is ‘you knock her up and I’m kicking your nuts up to your tonsils.’ You know, parenting advice. This is friend advice.”

  Gus chuckled. “I’m definitely ready for a beer.”

  “I’m ready to join you.”

  Chapter 16

  Once Sam started back to school, Gus decided to get back to work, prompted by a phone call from his agent wanting to know why he hadn’t responded to his last two dozen emails. The time off actually seemed to have done him good; he started on a roll that kept him working late into the night and back at it as soon as Sam was out the door in the morning.

  Wednesday he had just finished checking his email and was reviewing his previous night’s work when there was a knock on the door. “Enter!” he shouted, and Frodo shuffled up to meet the person. After a long delay when no one opened the door, he decided he’d better go see if it was a delivery person or a vinyl siding salesman or something. Just as he reached the foyer there was another, softer knock. Something made him hesitate and flex his hand before reaching for the knob.

  Sarah backed up a step, faced with him. “Uh, hi.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “I wanted to talk…”

  “You haven’t been interested in talking much for the last four months.”

  She winced. “Gus, let me…”

  “Your friend know about me? You tell him not to worry; we’re not involved, we just fuck now and then? He’s okay with that?”

  “No! I’m sorry I…”

  “No ‘sorry’s allowed. Today is Wednesday. Shouldn’t you be at work?”

  “Spring break this week and next. Is Sam home?”

  “Why?”

  She fidgeted a little. “Just asking. Is he on break, too?”

  “Last week. That’s why we were downtown.”

  “Oh. Of course.” She looked down the street, then over at the tree in his front yard, then down at her feet.

  Finally he sighed and said, “Do you want to come in?”

  “Please.”

  He stepped way back, opening the door wide and gesturing passage. As she entered, Frodo gave her a quick lick on her outstretched hand, then shuffled back to lie on his futon with a groan. “Before he got hurt, did he have more energy?”

  “He has plenty of energy. He just stores it up for Sam. They both go into hyperactive mode after dinner for a couple of hours.”

  “A hyperactive Saint Bernard sounds like a weapon of mass destruction.”

  “Exactly. Want something to drink? I have coffee made.”

  “All right.” She followed him to the kitchen, holding her arms folded over her chest as though she were cold, and stood next to the table while he poured coffee for each of them.

  “Take a seat.” As he started to pull a chair out for himself, she reached out to rest her hand on his arm.

  “Don’t touch me!” It came out harsher than he had intended, and he saw her recoil. He thought she would flee, but she regrouped and pulled out her own chair delicately.

  She studied her coffee while she spoke, “If you won’t let me apologize, can I at least try to explain?”

  He shrugged, looking away. “Technically, I’m not the one you were cheating on. I’m just the whore here. Not much to explain about that.”

  “Oh god, Gus! Don’t say that! That’s not how I feel. Not how I want you to feel!” When he didn’t respond even to look over at her, she reached for a napkin from the napkin holder, then dabbed her eyes and nose with it. “When I came here that first time, I never expected… I really just wanted to be sure your dog and son were okay. I wasn’t looking for…you.” She blew her nose. “Do you remember how you came out to the car in your bare feet in the snow? You were so gentle and caring and I don’t know. So different. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. About how it would be to be loved by a man who baked gingerbread and stayed home all day so he could be with his child and who looked like you do. And I admit that I find you attractive. Real attractive. But I’ve been in this…thing…with Reece for a long time. Years. And he’s not a horrible person or anything. We have the same circle of friends. We work together. Live a few blocks apart. It’s been convenient, mostly. That seemed like enough, before you.”

  He shook his head. “I’m assuming you think this is supposed to make me feel better or something. But listen to yourself: you’ve basically just told me that he’s the perfect
mate for you socially and academically, but I make you hot. How would you feel if someone told you that?”

  “That’s not what I meant! That’s not how I feel! You can’t imagine how important the time I spend with you and Sam is to me! It’s like my chance to touch down in a better world. To see that such a place is really possible. I want so much to just stay here forever…”

  “Funny way of showing it.”

  “I know. I know it looks bad, the way I never stay around. But I really do want to see my dad while he still knows me. And I’m really, really sorry that I didn’t tell you about the rest—about Reece. I just didn’t want that boring grownup life to interfere with this magical one.”

  “Do you think that’s fair, that you used us for your little fantasy play time? This isn’t the ‘magical world.’ This is my life. Mine and Sam’s.”

  “I know. I’m sor…”

  “He’s a real person, too. And he’s real perceptive. Why do you think he said what he did to Reece?”

  “I figured he was referring to his mother…”

  “I told you he was a baby when she left.”

  “But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about her. Try to understand her absence. He showed me a picture of her once. Told me she lives in Disney World.”

  Gus sat forward, frowning. “Sam told you that?”

  “Yes. Do you talk about her?”

  “A little. When? Where was I?”

  She shrugged. “Maybe in the bathroom. First he asked me if I ever farted in the bathtub.” She smiled a little. “Then he showed me this snapshot that he had all folded up in his pocket, and he told me that.”

  “What did you say to him?”

  “Just that she was pretty. Figured that was pretty thin ice.”

  “No, I mean about the farting.”

  She blushed. “I told him I figured everyone farted in the bathtub now and then. Why?”

  Gus shook his head. “Wrong answer.”

  “But…”