by B. B. Hamel
I’m sloppy and losing my mind and nothing matters to me. It’s almost like I’m going to come again as I please him and his grunts and groans fill my ears. I want him to get off so badly it almost hurts. I need to pay him back for all the times he’s done this for me.
I take him deep into my throat and he groans. I’m so wet I can barely stand it. I’m happy I have a pair of spare panties back in my desk drawer. I stand up, still leaning over with his dick in my mouth, and I slowly slide my underwear off.
I start to tease myself, rubbing my clit, down on my knees with my legs spread wide. He watches as I suck his tip faster and rub my own clit harder. It feels so fucking good and I’m moaning with a mouth full of his cock as he pushes me down deeper. I rub my clit faster, pressing it as his cock fills my throat and gags me. The pleasure and pain and excitement all push me over the edge, making me want to come again.
I suck him faster and faster, one hand working his shaft, the other rubbing my pussy. I’m so goddamn close when he groans. I’m moaning as he comes in my mouth and my throat, and the feeling of him spurting down my tongue makes me push against my clit faster. I come just as he’s finishing up, and I leave his hard cock in my mouth, wanting to taste him the whole time.
When I finish, I clean him off. I’m polite like that. I lick up his cock and slowly get to my feet, breathing hard.
“You can keep those,” I say, nodding at the panties.
He nods, a grin on his face. “Look at you. Little Emma, growing up.”
I toss him a look and can’t help but smile. His cock is still hard as I leave his office, my whole body ringing with pleasure.
I try not to analyze all that for the rest of the day. Although people have made little snide comments about how much time I’m spending with David, I don’t let it bother me. Sven hasn’t said a word since that first day, and even Mel’s starting to treat me normally again, although she was angry and jealous at first despite already knowing that I was going out with him that night. I think something about being on that blog really set her off. Maybe she craves internet fame, I don’t know.
I’m letting all that slide off my back. Once I get a fresh pair of panties on, I focus up on my work. I don’t bother David, and he doesn’t bother me, although he’s on my mind all the time. I can’t stop thinking about him. The way he makes me feel is unreal. I genuinely can’t stop myself around him.
As I’m finishing up the day, still thinking about sucking him off and coming at the same time, I get a text. It’s from David, and it makes me both excited and terrified all at once.
“Come to my place tonight,” it says. “Maudette will watch Julie.”
I hesitate. Does he finally want to fuck me again? I can’t help myself. “What time?”
“Seven. See you then.”
“See you.”
I lean back in my chair, excitement welling up through me. I’m happier than I have any right to be, but I’m not analyzing it.
He’s the enemy still. And I’m going to fuck him tonight.
18
David
I know it’s finally time. I’ve been holding off and pushing back and delaying for as long as I could, but it’s time.
I didn’t know I’d feel this way. I had no clue, not from the start. I knew she was special and attractive, but the idea of actually falling for her never once occurred to me. I thought this would be a fun game, and in the end I’d get her to admit that Julie’s my daughter. I figured I’d have some kind of custody sharing agreement, or something, I don’t know. I didn’t think it all the way through.
I never thought I’d fall in love with her, but I can’t deny it anymore. That’s the reason I haven’t been fucking her every day like I want to. Each morning she shows up at my office, looking so fucking sexy and ready to take my big cock however I want, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
I’ve been lying to her. Well, I’ve been misleading her at least. I can’t get her pregnant even if I want to, and she deserves to know the truth.
I know she’s going to hate me, but I hope she can understand. That’s why I haven’t fucked her. I’ve felt too guilty. Instead, I’ve been making her feel good, and falling more deeply in love with her every single passing second we spend in that office together.
The best part of the morning is after I get her off. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love her taste. I love that little pussy grinding against my mouth, her moans getting louder and louder. But afterward, she’s so happy. We sit there and talk for a while, sometimes about work, and sometimes just about whatever random crap we’ve been thinking about. I loved those talks so much. They made me realize the truth about what I’ve been feeling.
It’s love, fucking love. I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time. It’s why I told her about my ex, why I’ve been keeping this going for so long. I’m a fucking idiot, and now I have to come clean.
I’m dreading it. She shows up on time in this short black dress, looking so fucking sexy I want to fucking scream. “Want a drink?” I ask her, and she shrugs.
“Sure.”
I pour two glasses of wine. Her hair’s a little messy and down along her shoulders. The dress is tight and relatively moderate although it clings to her curves in an incredibly sensual way. I want to hike it up over her hips and fuck that tight pussy from behind but I control myself.
“I need to talk to you,” I say to her.
She shrugs. “Okay, we can talk. Although I don’t think that’s why you invited me here.”
I look away from her. “No, I invited you here to talk.”
“Oh,” she says, and the disappointment in her voice drives me insane. “You don’t want to fuck me.”
I snap back to her. “What?”
“I’ve just been wondering why you stopped,” she says. “If it’s because of the contract, we can void it. I mean, if you’re sick of me.”
I groan a little bit. “God damn it, Emma. I’m not sick of you at all.”
She looks a little sad. “I’m not trying to be pathetic here, David, but I’m tired of throwing myself at you.”
“I know,” I say softly. “Listen, we just need to talk.”
“Let’s talk. I guess I’m sick of talking, but fine.”
I stand up and walk away from her, over to the windows on the far side of the room. She follows, drink in hand.
I turn to her slowly. “Before we signed the contract, I had a procedure done.”
She narrows her eyes. “What are you talking about? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say quickly. “It was an elective procedure. A doctor injected my vas deferens with this type of plastic injection mold that hardens and fills it up, effectively cutting off the semen. It’s easily reversible with another injection which basically just flushes the stuff out when I urinate. All very clean and simple, totally painless, it actually took maybe twenty minutes all told.”
She’s staring at me the whole time, and I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m rambling about this thing, and not just saying the truth.
“I can’t get you pregnant,” I say finally. “I never could.”
She blinks, her hand gripping her wine glass tighter. “You… never could?”
“No,” I say. “I got it done before the contract started.”
“But before that,” she says, almost eagerly. “That first night?”
I blink. “What? No, no, I was, uh, normal then.”
“Oh.” She takes a breath and lets it out. “You did all this… for what?”
“I wanted you,” I say slowly. “But more than that, I wanted you to admit that Julie’s my daughter.”
Her eyes go wide. “Don’t say that.”
“She is and we both know it. You know I know it. We can’t keep pretending otherwise. I don’t want to play games with you anymore, Emma.”
“You’ve been playing me this whole time,” she says, suddenly fierce. “You got your tubes tied before locking me into some crazy pregnancy contract. Why t
he hell would you do that?”
“To get close to you,” I say softly. “I know how crazy it sounds, but if I just told you that I knew about Julie, you would have run away.”
“It is crazy,” she snaps. “It doesn’t just sound crazy.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I say. “I just want to be a part of my daughter’s life.”
“No,” she says softly, shaking her head.
“No?”
She slowly puts her glass down on a side table, her face suddenly eerily calm. She stares at me and crosses her arms.
“You lied to me,” she says. “Just so that you could use me, fuck me however you wanted. You’re disgusting.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I say.
“You’re not getting anywhere near my daughter.”
The words strike me like stones. I stare at her, eyes wide, and although I shouldn’t be surprised by this, I still feel devastated.
“You’ll never get near her,” she says more slowly this time. “If you try, I’ll tell the world about your sick little stunt. I’ll tell everyone about the contract, about your little procedure, everything. You’ll be ruined.”
“Emma,” I say softly, stepping toward her, one hand extended like I can maybe make her see that she’s making a mistake. I was wrong to lie to her, wrong from the start, but I didn’t take advantage of her. I didn’t push her further than she was willing to go.
“Don’t come near me.”
I stop in my tracks and drop my hand to my side. I look down at my feet, and I know that despite all my justifications, I still fucked up. This idea was way too complicated, way too personal, and way too insane. I never pictured falling in love with her, not even for a second, but I should have thought about it at least. I should have realized that once the truth came out, she’d hate me.
Now I’m left with nothing. I look up, but she’s already turning away.
I want to call out to her. I want to beg her to stay, try and make her understand that when I started this, I didn’t know her. I had no clue that I’d slowly find myself loving her in a way that I haven’t loved another person in a long, long time. I want her to know that I’m starting to see parts of her in myself that I didn’t even know were there. I fucked up but I want to make it better, if I can.
Instead, she leaves. I watch her go and each step she takes tears a chunk out of me. I end up alone in my apartment, staring out the window, wondering how the fuck I let myself break all over again.
19
Emma
He’s the enemy, and the enemy did what the enemy always does.
I have to keep telling myself that. He’s the enemy, and I don’t need to mourn losing him. I’m not losing anything. I’m moving on from a toxic man that only wanted to use me.
Except the voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that he didn’t do anything I wasn’t also doing. He lied to me about being able to get me pregnant, and I lied to him about being able to get pregnant. Not to mention lying to him about Julie being his daughter. If there’s a scoresheet, I’m probably winning in the lying category.
But still… it fucking hurts. I’m so angry that I can barely think about it. Maudette’s in my apartment when I get home, and she can clearly tell that I’m upset.
“Fight with the boss?” she asks me, almost too sweetly.
I glare at her. “Not just a fight,” I say. “Whatever he and I were is over.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Pity. I’ve never seen David so happy.”
I hesitate. “Really?”
“Oh sure, honey. I’ve been working for Envoy since the start, and although I haven’t really had much cause to be around the man, he’s pretty friendly. Used to stop by and chat once in a while, like he does with most of his employees.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Oh, sure, sure. He’s real hands-on and friendly, everyone likes him. I mean, it’s harder for him to talk with everyone now that Envoy’s so big, but back then, we weren’t so huge, right? Anyway, he never seemed all that excited. I used to ask about his love life, you know.” She gives me a conspiratorial little wink.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “What happened can’t be fixed.”
“Anything can be fixed.” She shrugs, getting her purse. “Trust me, honey. David’s one of the good ones, even if sometimes he isn’t perfect. Whatever he did, try and work it out. I’m sure that’s what he wants.”
I should feel pissed that this random woman’s giving me unsolicited advice like this, especially considering she has no clue what she’s talking about. David did something so heinous, so awful, that nobody could ever work it out with him. It’s amazing I’m even thinking about him right this instant without anything other than pure rage and disgust.
Except I’m not angry. I should be, and I guess I am in some distant way, but I’m also exhausted. I say goodnight to Maudette as she leaves and I pour myself a glass of wine before collapsing onto the couch. I check on Julie through the baby monitor and sigh, taking a long sip.
Standing in his apartment, I was so furious I could barely breathe. I felt like he took advantage of me, but now that I’m alone in my apartment, sipping some wine, I know that’s not true. He never did anything I didn’t already agree to. So what, so he couldn’t get me pregnant. I can’t get pregnant, and I lied to him about it, too. I mislead him just as much as he mislead me.
I did it for money, for Julie. He did it for reasons I still don’t completely understand, but I think there’s one real truth in everything he’s said to me so far. I think he really does want a family, and that was his convoluted, fucked-up way of trying to get one.
He can’t have Julie, though. That just can’t even happen. I feel my anger return just thinking about him taking her. Except he said he doesn’t want to.
I take a breath and let it out. How can I trust anything he says now?
I get a little drunk, and then a little drunker, and I go to bed way too late. Julie gets up the next morning at her normal time, and I’m hungover as I make her breakfast. I don’t bother going into the office, although I get like ten calls from Sven threatening to hang me if I don’t show up, which I feel like it’s a little exaggerated. It’s not like we have anything important happening.
“Some lead you are,” Sven says in his last message of the morning. “We finish without you.”
I should feel bad, but I don’t let myself worry. I take Julie to a park near our house and I spend time with her, playing and laughing and pretending like nothing’s wrong.
Except everything’s wrong. The more I think about it, the more I think I overreacted to him. I mean, I should be angry, but I’m lying too. I’m such a hypocrite and I have no right to act like I have the moral high ground.
Fact is, I’m just as bad as he is. I was willing to lie to him and sleep with him just to take some of his money down the line. I knew I couldn’t get pregnant, just like him, but I kept going to him every time he called.
And I kept coming, over and over again. Even when he wasn’t fucking me, I kept coming, because I couldn’t help myself around him.
It’s not just the sex, though. As I sit there in the park, Julie playing a few feet away in the woodchips, I can’t help but think about all the times we just sat around and talked. We talked about everything, from our shared love of self-driving cars and the potential the technology has to change the world to our own boring lives. He’s amazingly down to earth for a guy with a self-driving boat in his back yard. I never once got the sense that he considered me anything but a peer, and he treated me like an equal at all times. Even though it’s clear who has all the power, he still didn’t act like it.
I keep thinking about that night at the charity gala in particular. He was so charming and handsome, but it was that conversation on the roof that really changed things for me. I was thinking of him as the enemy at that point, but I was also falling so head over heels in love with him that I felt like I had
vertigo.
That feeling doesn’t just go away. I still think I love him, but I also think I hate him even more, and I don’t know what to do.
“Mommy?” Julie looks up at me with her big, pretty eyes, and I can see her father there. It’s actually striking, the resemblance, and I suddenly know how he figured it out.
That picture on my desk. Just looking at her, you can tell who her father is. It was probably like looking into a mirror for him.
“Come here, sweetie,” I say, picking her up. I tickle her and she laughs, squirming in my arms. I smile and laugh along, amazed at how big and strong she’s getting.
We spend the rest of the week like that, messing around, going to the park, basically wandering without any direction. I spend all my time with Julie, trying not to think about my confusing feelings about her father, which is actually pretty impossible. Every time I look at Julie, I see David in her smile, and I have to actively keep myself from trying to reach out to him.
I expect to lose my job. Envoy isn’t the kind of company where you can just stop showing up. Sven stops calling after the third day, and even Mel stops texting me after four. I figure I’ll get an email informing me of my dismissal any day, but it never comes. The weekend turns into the following work week, and on Monday morning, there’s still nothing from Envoy.
I go through the usual routine with Julie. I get her up, make her breakfast, get myself some coffee, and sit at the table with her. I’ve been lazy lately and not getting dressed right away, so I’m still in my pajamas when there’s a knock at my apartment door.
I start, surprised. People normally have to buzz in. I frown, figuring it’s a neighbor with my mail or something like that, as I walk over and pull open the door.
It’s not a neighbor. Olivia stares at me, her eyebrow arched, a wry little smile on her face. “Cute outfit,” she says.