by B. B. Hamel
I glance down at the fuzzy slippers on my feet, the ratty old sweatpants, and the Sesame Street t-shirt. “I’m unemployed,” I say with a shrug. “What’s it matter?”
She looks surprised. “I didn’t realize you quit.”
I laugh a little. “I stopped showing up, didn’t I?”
“You did,” she says, and sighs. “That’s why I’m here.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” I say quietly. Julie’s nearby. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Maybe, but you should anyway. Can we talk?” I watch her for a second and she sighs, holding up her hands. “He doesn’t know I’m here.”
For some reason, that convinces me. I step aside and she walks into my little apartment. She smiles at Julie. “Hi there, Julie,” she says.
“Hi,” Julie answers, a little shy.
“Honey, why don’t you go to your room and play?” I ask her. “Olivia and I need to talk.”
She just shrugs and starts getting up. I help her out of the chair and carry her into her room. I put her down on her play mat and shut the door behind her. I grab the baby monitor, turn it on, and turn to Olivia.
“What do you want?” I ask her.
She’s sitting down at the table with a mug of coffee in her hand. Clearly, she helped herself.
“We need to talk about your job,” she says. “Are you unhappy at Envoy?”
“Uh,” I say, shaking my head. “You know what happened, right?”
“I’m aware,” she says, face still calm.
“He lied to me. He got a procedure done, got a vasectomy or whatever.”
“Styrene maleic anhydride polymer injection, brand name Vasalgel,” she corrects, “but the same idea, yes.”
“Doesn’t matter what it’s called. He still lied to me.”
“Yes, he did,” she says. “I can’t deny that. He certainly mislead you.”
“On purpose,” I say. “He used me.”
“Well, that’s debatable.”
I glare at her, my anger rising. “How is that debatable?”
“What isn’t debatable,” she says over me, “is that you used him.”
I feel my anger peak and suddenly slowly seep away. I lean back into my chair, and I expect to feel ashamed, but instead I just feel relieved.
“How do you know?” I ask her finally.
“I’m very thorough,” she answers curtly. “As soon as you told me about your little contract, I did my due diligence. It took a hefty bribe, but we retrieved your medical records.”
I shake my head, unable to stop myself from smiling. “Sounds like your reputation is true.”
“Yes, it is.” She crosses her legs and drums the nails on her right hand on the tabletop, the mug in her left. “This is the situation, as I see it. You entered into a contract, knowing full well that your current daughter was a one-in-a-million freak of a medical occurrence. You knew you’d more than likely never have another child, and that it was nearly impossible for David to get you pregnant a second time. You didn’t inform him of this, and instead convinced him to add in a clause that allowed you to still be paid at the end of the contract term.”
As she talks, I can feel my shame growing. I know all of this, of course, but hearing it said out loud makes it sound so much worse. I’m such a damn hypocrite, and I realize that’s part of why I haven’t been going to work. While I’ve been angry at David, I’ve also been angry at myself.
I can’t face him. I can’t look him in the eye and pretend to be so morally superior, like I wasn’t doing the exact same thing as him.
“I’ll admit,” Olivia says, continuing, “procuring medical records isn’t exactly part of my standard operating procedure, but I decided that the circumstances warranted it. We took a quick DNA sample from both Julie and David, and the test was conclusive.”
I sigh. “How?”
“Maudette.”
It stings, but it doesn’t surprise me. “Does he know?”
She shakes her head. “Not yet.”
I look at her hopefully. “You didn’t tell him?”
“No,” she says. “When I found out, I decided that you’d come clean on your own sooner or later. I didn’t anticipate what he did, however.”
“Why did you think I’d tell him?” I ask her.
She watches me for a moment, sipping her coffee. She stops drumming her nails on the table. “I see the way you look at him,” she says finally.
I sigh and look up at the ceiling. I stretch a little bit, putting my hands behind my head, and let out a long breath. “You’re right,” I say finally.
“I know.” She watches me, face flat and expressionless.
“It didn’t happen right away,” I say. “I mean, it was just for money at the beginning. But eventually, well… it became more than just money.”
“I know,” she repeats. “But there’s one more pressing issue, one more important piece of the puzzle.”
I meet her gaze and she doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t have to. “She’s his daughter,” I say without prompting.
She nods and I’m surprised to see that she looks relieved. “That’s good.”
“That’s good?” I bark a little laugh. “How is that good?”
“It means he isn’t totally insane,” she says, and grins at me.
I can’t help but laugh a little bit. “I guess all this would be insane if he were wrong.”
“David is a lot of things, but ‘insane’ and ‘wrong’ are not two of them,” she says. “I’ve seen him do a lot of questionable things over the years, but never something like this.”
“How is this different?” I ask her.
“He did this for a person, instead of for his company.”
I nod a little bit. “Does he feel the same?” I feel like a moron asking, and a little desperate, but I can’t help myself. I probably have no right to know at this point. If he loves me, I’m not sure I really deserve his love.
Not after the way I lied to him and then got angry at him when he was simply doing exactly what I was doing.
“I can’t say that.” She puts the coffee mug down. “That’s not my place, unfortunately.”
“Of course not,” I say.
“But listen to me, Emma. I’m an expert on many things, David Carlson being one of them, and he’s worth it. Do you understand?”
“Why?” I ask, and it’s barely a whisper.
“You already know,” she says, standing. “Come back to work. Talk to him. Explain yourself. He’ll forgive you.”
“I don’t know if I forgive him.”
“Well, I can’t do anything about that, but you should.”
“How can we move on from here?” I ask as she walks to the door. “We’ve been lying to each other, using each other. How can we go past this?”
“Honesty,” she says, and gives me a rare smile. “Just tell him the truth, Emma.”
I nod a little bit, looking down. I hear the door open, but it doesn’t close. I look back up and she’s still watching me.
“Come back to work,” she says. “Even if it’s not for him, come back for yourself. He’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want. Just come back.”
I nod, surprised. “You’re here to get me back?” I ask, realizing with a start.
“Of course. Retaining important talent is part of my job.” She inclines her head, another little smile on her lips. “Hopefully I’ll see you soon.” She disappears and the door shuts behind her.
I sit there at the table, digesting that conversation. I’m completely blown away and I didn’t for a second think that Olivia would care enough to show up like that.
But she did, and she thinks I’m making a mistake on a few different levels.
I check the monitor again and head back to Julie’s room. She’s playing with some blocks and singing total nonsense to a tune I’ve never heard before. She looks up at me and smiles, and I see David’s face again.
In that moment, I know what I have t
o do. I hate it, but I can’t keep pretending. Olivia was right about everything she said, and it’s time that I embraced it.
I’ve been so afraid of losing my daughter, but I’m not losing her. I know I’m not going to. David would never take her away like that, even if he did threaten me. He has the money and the power to pull it off, but I can’t believe he’d actually do that to me.
No, I have nothing to lose. But I do have something to gain.
20
David
I feel like my heart’s been broken again, but this time I know it’s my own damn fault.
I’m depressed for a week. I try and distract myself with work and I even start writing some code again, but nothing really helps. Olivia keeps hovering in my office, trying to give me new tasks to keep me distracted, but it’s just not the same.
I keep thinking about Emma, and Julie. She’s not coming into work, and Sven was pissed at first. He calmed down when I put him in charge of the project, although he wasn’t too happy when I refused to cancel it entirely. I know it doesn’t really work without Emma’s insight, but I’m not ready to give up on her completely. Besides, Olivia said we should keep that project open, so it was an easy decision.
It’s just like last time, all those years ago. I forgot about Kelly and that damn fucking engagement, but now it’s all back, and it’s worse. The world seems colorless.
I’m being a fucking baby.
One week after Emma stops coming to work, I try and get my shit together. It’s Monday and I’m burying my head in work. The Mark 2 is practically ready, and now it’s just a matter of giving it my final approval. I wanted to wait for Emma’s team to finish their algorithm, but I realize now that it’s not going to happen.
It’s time to accept that the Mark 2 is as good as it’s going to be and release it into the world. I know it’s going to change people’s lives, since it’s an improved and less expensive version. It’s more accessible, and I think it’s going to finally usher self-driving cars into the mainstream.
I just wish I had someone to share all this with.
My intercom buzzes. “Yes?”
“Olivia here for you,” Lucy says.
“Send her in.”
Olivia comes through the door a minute later, a strange smile on her lips. “Remember the other day when you were saying I never do any favors for you?”
I give her a strange look. “Uh, what?”
“Well, remember that, okay?”
“What are you talking about?”
She’s practically grinning and I get a really bad feeling. Olivia never smiles like this. “Just don’t forget who set this up,” she says, and my intercom buzzes again.
“Emma May here for you, David.”
I stare at Olivia. “What did you do?” I ask her.
Olivia just shakes her head, practically giddy with excitement, which is totally bizarre.
“Send her in,” I tell Lucy.
Emma comes into the room a minute later. Olivia slips away without another word, leaving Emma alone with me.
I stand up as she approaches. She’s wearing that cream blouse that I really like again and a park of dark slacks. She stops in front of my desk and takes a deep breath.
“David, I’m sorry.”
I blink, surprised. “You’re… sorry?”
“I’m sorry,” she says again. “There’s something you should know.”
“Emma, wait. I’m just happy you’re here.” I start to come around toward her, but she puts her hands up.
“No, please. Let me get this out, okay?”
“Okay,” I say, and slowly sit back down in my chair.
She sits in the chair across from me. “I’ve been lying to you, too,” she says finally.
“You have?” I’m at a total loss now.
“David, I can’t get pregnant.”
She lets that sink in and I stare at her, totally fucking confused. “Uh, Emma, I mean, you did already, right?”
“Yes,” she says, a little frustrated frown on her lips. “But Julie… well, the doctors told me that she was a one-in-a-million chance, and it would never happen again.”
I stare at her, blinking. “How? I mean, what?”
She takes another deep breath and lets it out. “I was lying from the start, David. Julie was a freak thing, and I can’t really have babies. It doesn’t matter that you got that procedure done… I couldn’t get pregnant anyway. And I knew it from the start.”
I stare at her, totally taken aback. It’s like a bombshell and I really didn’t see it coming.
I slowly shake my head, trying to understand, but it’s like I’m running in circles. “So you got pregnant,” I say slowly, “but you can’t get pregnant again?”
“Pretty much,” she says. “That first time was a miracle, basically. And I knew that entering into the contract.”
It suddenly clicks. “That’s why you wanted that clause… to get money, even if you never got pregnant.”
“Right,” she says, nodding. “I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant, so I had to find a way to still get money.”
“And I was too stupid to realize,” I say, laughing. “I just figured you were guarding against some unlikely thing or whatever.”
“Nope,” she says. “I was just making sure I’d get money, even though I was lying to you.”
I stare at her, and slowly I feel something in my chest. It bubbles up and I can’t control it. I start laughing, shaking my head.
“Holy shit,” I say. “This is insane.”
I start laughing harder, and now I really do feel like a crazy person. At first, Emma looks at me like I’m about to jump out the window, but slowly she starts laughing along.
God, it feels so fucking good to laugh with her like this. The whole situation is so fucking absurd, all because we couldn’t just talk to each other. I have to create this elaborate way to get close to her, and in the process we both lied about pretty much the same thing.
Slowly though, our laughter dies down. She’s smiling at me as I lean back and stretch a little.
“I’m really sorry that I got mad at you,” she says. “I was being a hypocrite.”
“It’s okay,” I say. “Honestly, it really is. I’m just glad we have this all out in the open.”
“I didn’t mean to string you along. I know… I know you really do want a family.”
I nod slowly, my smile fading. “I wasn’t lying about that,” I say.
“I know you weren’t.” She’s staring down at the floor, not saying anything, and my heart starts racing.
She slowly looks up at me again. “She’s yours, David. Julie’s your daughter.”
Those are the words I’ve been waiting for all this time. My heart’s racing and I can’t help but smile big. Julie’s my daughter, my perfect baby daughter. And on top of that, she was a miracle, the kind of baby that defies science completely. I don’t know how we did this, but we created a miracle together.
“Thank you,” I say softly. “I’ve been waiting to hear that.”
“What are you going to do now?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I say. “She’s your daughter, and I’m a total stranger to her. I just… I’d like to be a part of her life.”
“Okay,” she says, sighing. “We can do that.”
“Slowly,” I say quickly. “You don’t have to tell her anything at first. But eventually… I’d like her to know, if you’re okay with that.”
“I will be,” she says. “I won’t pretend like it doesn’t scare the hell out of me. She’s been my whole world for so long now, and you’re… well, you’re you.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’re rich and famous and handsome and smart and I’m terrified you’ll take her from me.”
I shake my head, although I can’t help but smile. “I promise, she’ll always be your daughter first and foremost, before anything else.”
“I know,” she says. “I’m just being stupid.”
; “You’re not being stupid,” I say. “We just need to start being honest with each other.”
“You’re right,” she says.
“Good.” I take a breath and let it out, laughing again. I’m full of nervous energy and I don’t know how to release it all. “You’re coming back to work, right?”
“I hope so,” She says. “If it’s okay with you.”
“It’s okay with me,” I say. “We’re launching the Mark 2 in the next few weeks.”
“Really?” She perks up. “That’s amazing.”
“Your algorithm isn’t going to make it into the final model. But there are always updates.”
“Yeah,” she says, grinning at me. “Always updates.”
I watch her beautiful face for what feels like an hour although it’s maybe just a few seconds. She’s gorgeous and I feel so much happier than I ever have before. Julie’s my daughter, and Emma’s my… something, I don’t know what yet. I do know one thing, though.
I know I love this woman.
I get up from my chair and walk around my desk. She watches me as I approach. I crouch down in front of her and put my hand on her cheek and she leans into it, turning her head slightly.
“I missed you,” I say.
“I missed you too.”
I lean forward and kiss her, and for the first time since we started all of this, there’s nothing else behind it. This is just a kiss, free of any contracts or lies or half-truths. This is just a kiss because I want to kiss her, need to taste her, nothing beyond that.
We slowly break apart. “We should void that contract,” I say softly.
“Well, maybe not just yet.” Her eyes are bright and gleaming, and I feel something stir inside of me.
“You want me to take advantage of you one more time,” I say softly, moving toward her, lips against her ear.
“Yes, please, boss,” she whispers back.
I pull her out of her seat and push her up against my desk. She leans back and wraps her legs around my waist as we kiss, full and hungry and equal. I need her so badly that it almost fucking hurts, and there’s nothing in the world that can stop me now.
21