“No, Allyson, it is not all right.”
My stomach dropped. Had someone told him where I had spent the last couple of days, or worse, whom I had spent them with?
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
Through the deafening silence I could hear the tears. Byran never cried.
“Do you remember what happened to David’s child, the one he had with Bathsheba?”
“Who is David? And I don’t know a Bathsheba. Is that someone at the church?”
He sighed. “No, Allyson. They are people in the Bible.”
Now, he knew I knew very little about the Bible. How was I supposed to know that David and Bathsheba were Bible story characters?
“I did not know that. What do they have to do with why you are crying? Byran, can you just please tell me what’s going on?” My patience was wearing thin.
“David’s child with his mistress, Bathsheba, fell sick. And no matter how hard or how much he prayed, the child still died.”
My heart began beating harder . . . faster. Please, God, don’t let it be.
He continued. “BJ . . . BJ just passed away. In my arms.”
I was speechless. I’d been upset about the child, but I did not want him to die.
“I will be there as soon as I can.”
“Please hurry, Allyson. I feel like I am going to lose it. I cannot call and tell anyone, because then I would have to explain too much. You are all I have. You are the only support system I can lean on. Baby, I need you.”
Hearing him break down broke me.
“I’m coming, honey. In the meantime, I am praying for you strength.”
“You know how to pray?”
If it were not for the gravity of the situation, I would have been offended. I let him slide.
“Yes, I am learning. I may not know how to pray like other people, but I do the best I can.”
“Oh, okay. Thank you. Allyson, I really believed he was going to be fine. He developed an infection last night, but even with that, he fought through it.” He broke down again. “Do you know what today is?”
I scanned the memory tapes of my mind. It was not his birthday, it was not our anniversary, and since I knew very little about his parents, I knew he was not referencing anything that pertained to them.
Suddenly I remembered. It was the ten-year anniversary of his brother’s death. This could not get any worse.
“Yes, I know. I am so sorry, Byran. This is so unfair. But, as you say in your sermons, all things work together for the good. I know it does not look like it right now, but somehow this is going to work out to your benefit.”
If I were not the one talking I would not have believed I was just quoting a scripture. Being around Ms. Todd and Seth had impacted me greatly. More than I must have realized.
“I do not want to hear a breakdown of a sermon, Allyson. I do not want to hear anything about God right now. I just lost my son, and I am angry. I am hurt. So please keep whatever spiritual jargon you have learned to yourself right now. I just need to talk to my friend.”
But God is still worthy to be praised even in the midst of a trying time.
“I apologize. I will be there as soon as I can. Text me the address, and I will be on my way within about twenty minutes.”
“Okay,” he said, sounding deflated.
“Oh, and, Byran? Where is BJ’s mother? Is she going to have a problem with me being there?”
“Allyson, you are my wife. She understands that.”
“I will see you soon,” I said just as the car pulled up to the St. Regis. I tried to tip the driver, but of course, Seth had already taken care of it. So I rushed over to valet, gave them my claim ticket, and waited for my car.
My phone rang again.
“Hello?”
“Allyson, did you make it home okay?” Seth asked.
“Yes, I am standing here at the valet, waiting for them to bring my car around. How are you? How did the press conference go?”
“It went as planned. Answered a few questions . . . You know how it goes.” He was trying to sound like himself, but his voice indicated something was wrong.
I tried to lighten the mood. “I know you miss me and all, but you don’t have to be so down about it,” I joked.
He chuckled. “You are right. I do miss you. A lot. But that isn’t why I sound down.”
I knew it. Something was wrong.
“Well, spill it. What is going on?”
“The one survivor of the bombing, Helen Reese, just passed away.”
Was this the day of death?
“Oh, honey, I am so sorry. Did you know her?”
“She was a regular patient. Matter of fact, you may remember her. She was in the clinic the day you came in.”
“Wait a minute. The older lady I was talking to in the waiting area?” I remembered her and the conversation she and I had that day. She was a sweet lady who just wanted to be loved.
“She wasn’t all that old. She just looked like that because life had beaten her down. It had drained her of the joy she had. She was a sweet woman. Every time she came in, I tried convincing her to keep her baby. Many days she would come in just to talk, and unlike many other doctors, I listened to her. I let her vent.”
“Why was she there?” I asked as my car came up. I tipped the driver and hopped into the driver’s seat. “There is no way she could have been pregnant again that soon.”
“Of course not. She came by the clinic every single Tuesday morning to bring us a batch of her homemade blueberry muffins. She innocently walked into a death trap. My heart is so heavy right now. I feel responsible for all of this happening. Remember that day in the office when you told me I take innocent lives for a living? That very thing has come back to bite me. Innocent lives were lost yesterday at the place I took lives every day.”
I could imagine him sitting in a chair with his head lowered. I wanted to track down Louie and have him track down Jeff so I could fly to be by Seth’s side. But I knew I had a responsibility to go and be with Byran.
“You cannot blame yourself.”
“Oh, but I do. If my ex-fiancée had never killed our baby, I would have never killed thousands more.”
“Seth, you have to let that go.” I connected the Bluetooth in my car and maneuvered my way onto the expressway, heading north on 75. Funny how the opposite direction, 75 South, would have taken me to where I truly wanted to be . . . Augusta.
“I know I do, babe. But right now I am harboring a lot of guilt.”
“I couldn’t tell you where it is located, but somewhere in the Bible is a scripture that talks about when Jesus sets you free, you are truly free indeed.”
Did I just say that?
“John eight and thirty-six.”
“Excuse me?”
“That’s where that verse is located. In John, chapter eight, verse number thirty-six. I am so proud of you, Allyson.”
“For what?”
“You may not see it, but there has been a change in you, and I want you to keep it up. Do not let anything or anyone steal this from you.”
“I am not sure I can quite define what this is.”
“It doesn’t matter. You will understand it one day.”
That I wouldn’t doubt. The happenings of the last forty-eight hours or so had been enough to set anybody on the right path.
“Well, keep me in your prayers. I am headed to Chattanooga, Tennessee. My husband lost his son.”
“My goodness. I am so sorry to hear that. I will definitely keep you, more so than him, in my prayers. You are a good woman to even go there to try to console him. Keep in touch with me, okay?”
“You don’t have to worry about me doing that. To be honest, I cannot imagine you not being in my life in some way.”
“I am glad to hear you say that, because the feeling is mutual.”
We said our good-byes, and I concentrated on getting to Byran. As I drove, my thoughts turned into prayers. I prayed for Byran, his deceased
son, and the child’s mother. I prayed for Seth, Ms. Todd, and the families of those who had lost their lives. I was stunned by the death of Helen, the woman who had impacted my life with one conversation, and my emotions were swinging back and forth between pain and sorrow. She would never get the opportunity to experience real love again. She would never get the opportunity to know that wounded women could still win in life, and move beyond the hurt and disappointment to become something great. She would never get the life she deserved.
Thinking about her, and how short life really was, sent my thoughts in another direction. In the direction of my own life. I began to ask myself questions.
Am I going to continue this front and stay in a makeshift marriage for money?
What is really the true essence of love?
My phone rang, and I saw on the display screen in my car that it was my mother. I pushed the button from my steering wheel that enabled me to answer the phone.
“Hello, Mother.”
“Hi, darling. How are you?”
“I am fine. Headed to Tennessee to be with Byran.”
“Did something happen?”
“His son died.”
“Oh, my Lord!” she exclaimed. “I am sure he is a nervous wreck.”
“To say the least. I knew he must be desperate, because he never cries or breaks down in any way. Besides that, I am about to come face-to-face with the woman he is truly in love with, and only a tragedy such as this could have arranged this meeting.”
“Well, now is not the time to look at it from that perspective.”
“What perspective? I am looking at it from the perspective of truth. If this had never happened, I doubt very seriously I would have ever found out who she was or what she looked like. But none of that is important. I am not going to allow that negative energy into my spirit.”
“I agree with you, honey. Did you enjoy your time away?”
“I did.”
“Wonderful. I knew once you were able to take a little time to think, you would be just fine. Sometimes things that catch us off guard will make us feel as if we have been sucker punched. In those times, we must take a minute to gather ourselves and refocus.”
“That is very true, Mom. So how have you been? Are you and Ms. Sarah staying out of trouble? I hope you all are not keeping up mess down there at the senior activity center.”
“For your information, I have not been to the senior center in the past few days. As a matter of fact, I have not seen Sarah in about the same amount of time.”
Sarah was my mother’s best friend. They had been friends for many years and had seen each other through the birth of children, the demise of marriage, and the death of their parents. Their friendship had survived the best and the worst of times.
“Is she sick or something? The two of you are always together, shopping or causing trouble for the other bingo players at the center.”
“No, she isn’t sick. We have just been missing each other.”
I knew my mother. She had the same routine and the same schedule every day of the week and every week of the year. Something was up.
“Mother, what are you not telling me?”
“Dear heart, why on earth do you think I am withholding something from you?”
“Because you are. So, unless you are about to tell me somebody died, then come on out with it. What is this secret you are holding?”
“Secret?”
My patience was wearing thin. “Mother!” I shouted. “What is it?”
She paused before she answered. “Darling, I wanted to sit down and have lunch with you. That is why I was calling today, but when you said you were on your way to be with Byran, I decided not to mention it. It is a shame you know me so well.”
“Mother, you are stalling. Out with it. No chasers. No beating around the bush.”
“I am seeing your father again.”
I almost choked on my own saliva. “You are what?”
“I am seeing your father.” I could hear the hint of happiness in her voice.
I was speechless. More than that, I was confused. My father was married to the woman he had left my mother for.
“Mom, how did this happen? When did it happen?”
“I ran into him at the mall.”
She was lying.
“What mall, Mom? Dad doesn’t go to malls in Atlanta. He lives in Birmingham.”
“Okay, you got me. He came by the house,” she said.
She was lying again. Ugh.
“If you are not going to tell me the truth, we can hang up.”
“Oh, all right. I went to hear him preach,” she confessed.
“You actually showed up at one of Dad’s preaching engagements? Mom, I cannot believe you. Why did you do that? Were you trying to look desperate on purpose?”
“It wasn’t like what you are thinking.”
“Then what was it like?”
“Sarah called, being messy, one day and said, ‘Your baby daddy is preaching now, and he is going to be over at Second Mount Bethel.’ She also informed me that she overheard Ruby Dee and Ira Jean talking down at the center, and she said they said he and Melissa had split up. So I went to see for myself.”
It was hard listening to my mother talk about he said, she said stuff at her age. But wait a minute. My father was preaching now?
“Since when did Daddy start preaching? He never once mentioned that to me.”
“That is exactly what I said! I was amazed. So, Ally, you know I had to go and witness this for myself. I had no idea he even saw me. My plan was to ease in the back, hear him preach, and leave. But as I was walking out the door, an usher walked up to me and gave me a note from him.”
“And the note said?”
“He wanted me to meet him at the Waffle House around the corner.”
“I see.”
“So we talked and caught up on the last twentysomething years. It was my first time really talking to him since the day he left.”
“And what did he have to say for himself?” I was starting to get upset. Who did he think he was to try to come back around my mom after twenty years? It took some time for me to warm up to him after he left us, but over time I learned to love him dearly as a father, but I never wanted him to be in my mother’s life as anything again.
“He actually had a whole lot to say.”
“And you fell for it?”
“It’s not about falling for anything, Allyson. I just heard him out. I listened to his explanation as to why he chose Melissa over me, and so on.”
She was trying to brush it off, but it would not be that simple for me.
“And what was his reason?”
“Your father was young when he and I married. We were both raised in the country, and when we moved to Atlanta, there was more to do, and more to get into. He got caught up in the streets, and he said over time he fell in love with her because of how she made his flesh feel. But she never really had his heart. She never had all of him, the way I did.”
“And you believed that lie?”
“Yes, I believe him.”
She had to be kidding.
“Mother, you have taught me all my life about guarding my heart and not falling for lies. You even told me once that men were not worth the fecal matter of a dog. Your mantra has been, get the goods without giving up too much gold. Now you are on this phone, telling me you believe some put-together lie Daddy told you about leaving us because his flesh was out of control. For the love of God, Mother, give me a break. My view of love is flawed now because of the things you taught me. But I guess you have had some sort of epiphany.”
“I know it is a lot for you to take in because of the bitterness I have infused into you over the years. But is it ever too late for a person to get it right? No, it is not. And I want to make the rest of my life the best of my life.” She paused. “Allyson, I apologize. I have not always taught you the right things about relationships or love, but it was because of a bitter root within me that n
eeded to be plucked out.”
“Let me guess. Daddy plucked it out?”
“Talking with him for the past few days, and I mean really having in-depth conversations, began the process of me healing. For all these years I thought your father was too selfish to care about anything or anyone but himself. I thought what we had meant nothing to him, because he left me to struggle and take care of us.”
“This is exactly why you should not entertain anything he is saying. I can understand you all having a conversation in hopes of bringing some closure to an old relationship, but to say that you are now seeing him . . . Mom, that is a bit much.”
I was really upset because most of my life I had made my relationship decisions with her in mind. The sole reason I was in this mess with Byran was that she encouraged me to do it so I would not end up like her—broke and broken. I had succeeded at one half of it. I was far from being broke as long as I was married to him, but I had failed miserably at preventing brokenness.
“I know it is difficult for you to understand. It would be for me, too.”
“You have no clue how difficult it is. I am stuck in a marriage that isn’t worth the certificate that proves it. I tolerate, and have tolerated, emotional abuse from men who cared nothing about me because my eyes have always been on the money, as well as making sure you were taken care of. You will never understand the emotional debilitation I have endured as one man after another went through my body. Or the psychological breakdowns I suffered through thinking I was not good enough as they dropped me and moved on to the next woman once they were done with me—once their purpose had been served.
“You cannot possibly know what it feels like to give up on having true love or to convince yourself of the falsehood that love is embodied in a man showering you with material things, when it should be the merging or collision of two souls who would rather die than be apart.”
The only thing I could hear were the cars zooming by on the interstate. The moment was so intense, neither of us could find more words to say. My mother had just admitted to me that everything she had taught me about love was wrong.
I had not paid attention to the time, so when I saw a sign that said I was only twenty miles from Chattanooga, I was relieved. I needed to take what little time was left of the drive to get my head together. Absolutely too much had transpired, and it seemed I was getting hit with one thing after the other. It was like trouble woke up one morning and set its entire agenda around plaguing me. But surely, there had to be a flip side to trouble, right?
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