‘It’s a big day for me too, Grace. I’ve been dreaming of it now for the past year. But don’t worry; I don’t want to push anything. You’re in control, and I’ll do things in whatever timeframe you and Jack are comfortable with.’
‘Well that’s very big of you, Liam,’ Grace answered sarcastically. Then she felt instantly sorry for the snap.
‘I’m sorry, Liam. That was unnecessary. I thought initially you could see him after Montessori for an hour a couple of times a week. Then maybe you can take him to the park at the weekend or something. Kick a ball about. How long you in Dublin for?’
‘I’m back for good, Grace. I’ve relocated. I’m freelancing for a couple of the tabloids, so my time is pretty much flexible. I’ll fall in with both yours and Jack’s schedules. I want to be hands-on, Grace. But I don’t want you to feel that I’m taking over. I want to help raise our son.’ Liam’s face was vulnerable as he made his speech and Grace felt a little bit of her heart melt at his words. And that frightened her. She suddenly felt very confused. Liam needed to go. She quickly put her shaking hands on her lap so that Liam wouldn’t notice her confusion. She needed to stay in control if this was going to work.
‘I appreciate that, Liam. But right now I have to check on Jack. I think that maybe you should go for now. Why don’t you come back tomorrow, same time?’
‘I’d like that, Grace. I need to talk to you. I have things I need to tell you. They’re important.’
‘I’m sure you do Liam, but I don’t want to hear them right now. Let’s concentrate on Jack for the moment. Okay?’ Not waiting for an answer, Grace jumped up and walked back into the sitting room.
‘Jack, Daddy’s going to go home now, but he’d like to visit again tomorrow. Is that okay with you?’
Jack stood up and walked over to his Mommy. He felt a bit scared. Things were changing and it felt weird. But he liked his Daddy. He seemed like a cool guy. A bit like Spider-Man was really. So he simply said ‘okay’ then turned back to his programmes.
Normally Grace would have chastised him for being rude, but on this occasion she decided he’d earned the right to let his manners slide, just this once.
‘Bye, Grace,’ Liam said as he walked out of the apartment. He looked her squarely in her eyes with such intensity that Grace had to look away. ‘Till tomorrow.’
Chapter Five
Tara and Sean were waiting in Duffy’s for the others to arrive. Tom and Gerry wouldn’t be long as they were already in Malahide having dinner. Abby was getting the Dart over, so should be here soon too. She lived in Clontarf in a little studio bedsit. It was tiny but in a gorgeous old Victorian house. Abby said that the location and the beauty of the house made up for the size of the studio. Plus it was close enough to all her friends in Malahide and Swords, with the added bonus of living around the corner from Gerry and Tom. One big difference though, they owned a whole Victorian house on Castle Avenue! She could have fitted her little studio into one of their reception rooms alone!
Sure enough, the boys arrived ten minutes later, giggling like kids. Tom went straight to the bar to get drinks and Gerry sashayed over to Tara and Sean, like he was walking the catwalk.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Sean asked laughing.
‘I’m showing you heathens my new Louis Copeland suit!’ Gerry proclaimed.
‘And I wouldn’t like to tell you how much that little number cost,’ Tom said as he joined them. ‘I’ve seen the visa bill Gerry, so don’t try to deny it!’
‘My skin is very sensitive, you know that darling,’ Gerry said fluttering his eyelashes at Tom. ‘You wouldn’t ask me to put any old man-made fibres on, would you?’
‘Yes I would, if I thought you’d listen to me, you daft eejit!’ Tom replied, laughing. ‘Where’s our starving artist?’
Right on cue, Abby arrived and joined her friends, air-kissing Gerry theatrically first of all.
‘Darling, you are too thin!’ Gerry protested. ‘Enough of this starving artist charade, time for an intervention – eat!’
‘I’ll have you know that I’ve had two McChicken sandwiches today, a chocolate muffin, one Kit Kat, and I just ate a bag of Tayto crisps on the Dart!’ Abby responded. Abby was one of those lucky people that could eat anything and never put on a pound.
Tara threw a beer mat at Abby, shouting, ‘Bitch! I only have to look at a bag of Taytos and my thighs grow an inch!’ Tara was always on a diet, and was currently trying a low-carb one. Sean thought she was off her head, his wife was gorgeous as she was, but Tara ignored him, telling everyone, ‘Carbs aren’t my friends, you know!’
Tara turned to Tom asking, ‘You heard from Liam?’
‘Yeah. We spoke earlier. He was on a high after his visit with Grace and Jack. He’s going back today, you know. He did admit he was a little bit disappointed because our Jacky was a bit shy with him.’
‘Very discerning judge of character is Jack,’ Tara murmured.
‘Tara,’ Sean scolded quietly. She shrugged, looking like a naughty schoolgirl. When Tara had something to say, nobody was going to shut her up, not even the man she loved!
‘We spoke to Grace last night. She was in a right state,’ Tara told the group. ‘Very worried about Jack. It’s all she needs right now, what with chemo starting on Friday.’
‘I think it’s more than that,’ Abby chimed in. ‘I called Grace last night too, and she admitted that she found it confusing seeing Liam again. She practically threw him out because she was so freaked out by it all.’
‘She still loves him, you do realise that, don’t you Tara?’ Tom decided to say what everyone else was afraid to say out loud.
‘Yeah, I know that. Stop looking at me like I’m an imbecile, Tom Whelan. I’ve known Grace thirty two years now, and seen her do a lot of stupid things. Falling in love with that great big lummox Liam Ryan was just one of them.’
Sean smiled at his wife. She always called people by their full names when she was vexed. When she called him Sean Murphy, he knew it was time to bail!
‘It’s like Love Story, isn’t it?’ Gerry sighed. ‘Or even Jerry Maguire. God, I love that bit when Tom goes into the mad woman’s support group to get his wife. And he does that big speech. And then Renee just says “You had me at hello.” Wasn’t he just magnificent?’
‘I don’t think Jerry Maguire was an alcoholic, but I get your point,’ Tom laughed.
‘I just hope that Grace gets her happy ending. And Liam and Jack too,’ Abby said.
Everyone sobered up with that, bringing them immediately back to Grace’s cancer.
‘So when is she going to tell Liam?’ Tom asked. ‘It’s going to be hard keeping it from him.’
‘She wouldn’t discuss it with us,’ Sean replied. ‘Is everyone set for Friday?’ It was decided that Tara and Sean would go with Grace to the hospital for the chemo. She was an outpatient, so she could get home in the evening after her treatment to see Jack. The gang had a rota organised to help with him. Tom and Gerry were taking him to Tayto Park, the kid’s amusement park, on Friday after Montessori. They figured he’d be so tired after that he’d go to bed early when Grace got home. Then Abby was going to have him on Saturday, Tara and Sean on Sunday, just in case Grace had reactions to the chemo. He’d be in the crèche during the week and then they’d do the same again each Friday and weekend until Grace was finished. She was scheduled for three months of weekly chemo sessions which seemed like an eternity.
‘I don’t think Grace is aware of how sick she’s going to get, guys. I want her to move in with Tara and me, but she won’t have it.’
‘We’ll have to go to her,’ Tom stated. ‘Someone must be there every evening next week, while the chemo treatment is going on. At least until we know how she’s coping with it? Agreed?’
‘Yes sir!’ Gerry mock saluted his boyfriend, with a laugh!
****
Liam and Jack were playing Lego in the sitting room; Jack in his Fireman Sam outfit, complete with mask. He had bee
n wearing it yesterday too when Liam had come to visit for an hour and wouldn’t even take the mask off to eat the sweets Liam had brought him. When he went to eat one, he just turned his back on Liam and lifted the mask slightly to stuff a handful in. It was comical.
Grace had been keeping an eye on Jack since Liam’s return to make sure that he wasn’t unsettled. But she could tell he liked him. He sat in the bay window earlier this evening waiting for Liam to arrive. Then the second Liam rang the bell, he ran back into the sitting room and started playing with his toys, pretending not to care. She had asked Liam to stay for dinner tonight, and he had eagerly accepted. When she opened the door to him, he had a huge bunch of white roses in his hands. The fact that he had remembered how much she loved white roses didn’t go unnoticed by Grace. She looked around her apartment living room and thought the house was beginning to look like a florist. Earlier today a huge bunch of gorgeous flowers had arrived from Tom and Gerry. The card just said simply, ‘Be strong, we love you.’
Having unwrapped and arranged the roses and put them in water whilst the boys played, she now shouted to the guys, ‘Dinner’s ready. Jack wash your hands please.’
Liam threw his eyes up to heaven theatrically for effect, to which Jack obliged him with a giggle. While Jack cleaned up, Liam came into the dining room.
‘Let’s not mention the mask,’ Grace told Liam. ‘If we don’t make a big deal about it, he might take it off himself. Alright? Plus, he might have difficulty negotiating spaghetti and meatballs if he leaves it on,’ Grace added with a smile.
‘God, you’re a devious woman,’ Liam laughed. ‘I love it!’
This was Jack’s favourite dinner. He loved sucking the spaghetti up like worms. ‘My tummy’s really hungry Mommy,’ Jack declared.
‘Well let’s put that right straight away.’ Grace spooned a big portion into his bowl.
‘Liam, don’t be shy. Eat up.’
‘This is good Grace. You haven’t lost it.’ Liam smiled as he noticed the blush on Grace’s cheeks. She loved getting compliments about her cooking. Liam was determined to achieve two things today: see his son’s face properly and talk to Grace. Properly talk, not chit-chat about the weather. It was killing him being in the same room as her and not being able to put his arms around her and tell her he loved her. A big sigh from Jack interrupted his thoughts. He was bringing his spoon up to his mouth, then back down again just as quickly, because the mask was in the way. Grace was torn between bursting into laughter or just taking matters into her own hands and grabbing the mask off him.
Then Jack announced, ‘I don’t want to get my Fireman Sam mask dirty, Mommy. Can you mind it for me?’ He peeled it off defiantly and looked at Liam as if to say ‘so!’
Liam judged the situation correctly and simply said, ‘Good thinking buddy,’ and then carried on eating.
Grace could see such a range of emotions running across Liam’s face, recognising them instantly as she felt a lot of them every day when she played with Jack. She could see wonder, pride, awe, fear and a good deal of amusement juggling around at various times, as Jack battled with his meatball pasta. By the time they were finished Jack had somehow managed to put tomato sauce on every inch of his face!
‘All right sweetie-pie, time to get your face cleaned up, and into your jimmy jams.’
Liam jumped up then shouting, ‘Hold that thought!’ as he ran into the hall, coming back in with a bag.
‘I got you a present buddy. Hope you like it.’
‘It’s not even my birthday Mommy, look a present!’ Jack squealed as he ripped the paper off. ‘It’s Spider-Man, Mommy.’
‘They’re pyjamas buddy. I thought you might dream Spider-Man dreams if you wear them to bed,’ Liam stated.
‘Thank you! They’re way cool. Look Mommy.’
‘I know sweetie. They are way cool. But right now you have to wash up and then put them on. Then you can play for half an hour with your Daddy. Deal?’
Jack’s little face was scrunched up and she could tell that he was trying to decide something. She figured correctly it had something to do with Liam.
‘Do you want to ask your Daddy something, Jack?’ Grace asked him.
He turned to Liam, and with a little voice said, ‘Do you want to wash my face, Daddy?’
Liam thought at that moment that life could never ever get any better. Tonight he got to see his perfect little face. Tom had told him that he had a ‘mini-me’ in Jack, and he was right. It was like looking at a picture of him when he was little. But now this…He had dreamt about Jack calling him Daddy.
‘Nothing would make me happier, son,’ Liam said. ‘Is that okay, Grace?’
‘Demoted already! I don’t know. I’ll wash up!’ Grace said protesting playfully, shoving the two of them up the stairs, furiously swallowing the large lump that had appeared in her own throat. She felt so many conflicting emotions as she watched father and son walk out of the kitchen together. On the whole she was really happy to see the relationship between the two flourish. But equally it was hard watching Jack need someone else other than her. And as she felt a stab of jealousy she immediately felt guilty for the thought. Life sure was complicated.
An hour later, Jack was fast asleep, and Liam and Grace were drinking coffee.
‘Big day, huh?’ she asked Liam, noticing that he looked distracted.
‘Something like that. Tom told me last week that I had paid a high price for my drinking. I didn’t disagree with him. In fact I had thought the same thing many a time over the last couple of years. But tonight, Grace, when he called me Daddy, I actually felt something give in my heart. It took my breath away. I’ve missed so much.’ Liam could feel himself choking up and he pulled himself together quickly, looking away. He wanted to talk to Grace tonight about the two of them. Every time Liam had tried to talk to her about his drinking over the last couple of days, she had brushed him off. But this time he wasn’t going to walk away. ‘Grace I’ve missed you.’
Grace thought she was going to faint. Her head was telling her to get Liam out straightaway; she had too much on her plate right now. But her heart was willing him to continue. Spending time with him over the past week had been unbelievable. It was exactly as it had been in the first couple of years they were together. The pre-drinking years when they were deeply in love. In fact it was even better, because Jack was there now too.
‘Grace, I’m still in love with you. I fell in love with you the very first moment I saw you. You took my breath away that night. Do you remember?’
How could she forget? Abby, Tara and Grace were having a Christmas party in their rented house in Drumcondra. They had invited everyone they knew and the place was heaving. Abby had told her about this cute guy called Liam that she had invited to the party. But when Grace opened the door and saw him standing there, she always swore she actually felt electricity fly between them. He didn’t leave her side all night, and that was fine by Grace. Abby used to say that they were the perfect couple. And for a long time Grace used to agree with her. They just fit. But that was a long time ago.
‘I remember Liam. I haven’t forgotten anything,’ Grace replied with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. She couldn’t help it. He’d hurt her too much. Liam looked away and took a deep breath.
‘I know I hurt you Grace. I want to make up for it.’ Liam felt that just saying the word sorry was too trite. Somehow he needed to do more to prove himself to Grace. But he hadn’t worked out what yet. He knew in his heart of hearts that he and drinking were over. He would never, ever jeopardise his love for Grace and Jack for a drink. But how do you make someone you hurt so much believe that? Maybe he didn’t deserve her belief. Maybe his punishments for his behaviour while drinking was to lose Grace, and perhaps he should just be grateful she was allowing him to have Jack in his life.
‘Why did you wait so long to come and see us when you said you’ve been sober for a year now?’ Grace accused.
‘One year and nearly three months to be exact
, Grace. When I was in rehab we were given a list of rules and guidelines to abide by when we left. One of the most important ones was to not get involved in any relationship for at least a year. I made a decision when I left rehab not to contact you or Jack for at least that because I wanted to be sure that I could stay away from the drink. I also wanted to make something of myself. I needed to get working again and get back some self-respect. I picked up the phone to call you hundreds of times, just to hear your voice, and to tell you that I had stopped drinking. But I wanted to wait until the time was right. Can you understand?’
‘How do you know that you’ll never drink again now, Liam? What makes you so sure?’ Grace whispered.
‘That’s a tough one. I’ll never be one hundred per cent certain. But I know that I can live without drink. I’ve gone through birthdays, Christmas, parties of all shapes and sizes without the urge to grab a six-pack. I go to AA once a week. I’ve already joined a local support group since I got home. I was there last night in fact. Did the whole “Hi My name is Liam and I’m an alcoholic” lark!’
Grace laughed with Liam at that. It sounded so Hollywood! ‘Did everyone clap?’
‘Yep, and shouted back like robots, “Welcome Liam.”’
‘God, I’d be morto!’ Grace laughed. ‘Did you all start singing Kumbaya My Lord then?’
‘Nah, these days we alcoholics sing We’ve Got the Whole World in Our Hands!’ Liam answered, joining Grace in her laughter. ‘But on the plus side, there was a huge plate of cupcakes on the go. Best thing about AA meetings is the free cakes!’ He finished with a wink. Grace couldn’t help giggling again. ‘Grace Devlin, it’s good to see you laughing. God, you’re beautiful.’
Grace jumped up, picking up the coffee cups and walked into the kitchen.
‘That my cue to go, I suppose?’ Liam joked.
She felt flustered with Liam now. He was stirring up some feelings that she had thought were gone, or at least buried. He pulled on his coat and walked to the door. Turning around at the last minute, he said very seriously, ‘Grace, I love you. I can’t be without you anymore. And whether you like it or not, I think you still love me too. I know I will have to spend my life making up for the pain I caused you but I’m not giving up, Grace Devlin, you hear me. I’m not giving up.’
Beyond Grace's Rainbow: HarperImpulse Contemporary Romance Page 5