The Long Walk Back

by Rachel Dove

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, his lips curling into a devilish smile. She grinned back at him, and cracked up laughing. He laughed with her, and the tension around the table seemed to pop. He wiped his hand down his stubble, neatly trimmed now, and grinned at her.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said simply. ‘It’s been a weird day, I know.’

  She nodded, and they both ignored the waiter as he put down their desserts. The waiter smirked at them both and returned to his station. ‘Third date, sweaty sex later,’ he said out of the corner of his mouth to his waitress friend.

  She looked over at the couple. ‘Yep, that’s rip-my-clothes-off-right-now tension right there.’

  Back at the table, Kate took another large gulp of her wine. She felt it relax her, tingle her hard edges a little. ‘It has been, very strange, and a big step forward for both of us, I think.’

  Coop wondered what she meant. He knew her facial expressions so well now that he knew she wasn’t just talking about jumping headfirst out of a plane.

  ‘So, Jamie’s dad, that your husband?’

  ‘Neil, yes,’ she replied warily. ‘Like I said before, he isn’t in the picture.’

  Cooper nodded. ‘How long?’

  ‘Coming up to ten years. Ten years too long really. Neil and I were never exactly love’s young dream.’

  Cooper found he was strangely pleased by this, that she wasn’t a woman broken by lost love.

  ‘And Trevor?’ he waggled his eyebrows at her and she shook her head, irritated. He saw a ghost of a smile on her lips, and he felt his own skin flush a little.

  ‘I have no idea what that was, and I am not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow.’

  ‘Well, if he gives you any grief, send him to me,’ he said, his voice low. Kate sensed the change in his voice and narrowed her eyes.

  ‘Why, do you think I need protecting?’ she challenged, licking a remnant of chocolate off her spoon.

  Jesus, that mouth. Cooper cleared his throat before answering.

  ‘No, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t get the urge to look after you. I was pretty pissed off when I saw you together.’

  Her eyes went wide at his words. Cooper even seem surprised at his own outburst momentarily, but his resolve hardened and he locked eyes with her once more. ‘I know we have our own stuff to deal with, but I’m pretty much done trying to stay mad at you, Kate.’

  ‘About time,’ she replied. ‘I don’t want to fight with you either.’

  ‘Oh, I like the fighting Missy,’ he said, his lip curling up, flashing his pearly teeth. ‘I just want to explore the making up too. This place? There’s an event here for my unit, among others. Some charity thing I agreed to before …well they decided to dedicate an award to someone I knew. I want you to come with me, as my date.’ He hadn’t taken his eyes off her, and she sat, spoon in hand, mouth open in surprise.

  ‘I am flattered,’ she said softly. Cooper pursed his lips, looking away, but she reached for his hand across the table. Taking his fingers in her own, she brought them to her lips, dropping a gentle kiss on his knuckles. Her cool breath made the hairs on his arm stand on end. ‘I would love to come with you.’

  They smiled at each other then, and as she went to release his hand, he gripped it tight. He motioned to the waiter with the other. He came over, casting a sly glance at his colleague as he sauntered across the room.

  ‘Just the bill please,’ Cooper commanded. ‘And another bottle to go.’

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  The centre was a ghost town when they arrived back home, bottle in hand. Kate could already feel the stress of the place settle again on her shoulders as she walked down the corridor towards her room. Cooper hadn’t said a word on the ride home, but he hadn’t let go of her hand until he had to. He had walked out of the cab himself into his chair, unsteady still on his prosthesis but he made the few steps unaided. She wanted to throw her arms around him to congratulate him, but she held herself back, sensing what a big step it was for him. He didn’t need to be mollycoddled, and she didn’t want to belittle him. She was fast realising what a strong man he was, inside and out. As they neared her room, Cooper’s chair giving the occasional squeak in the otherwise silent corridor, she could feel the nervousness between them return. Cooper had the bottle resting on his lap, and she wondered whether it was for someone, or just something to help him sleep.

  ‘This is me,’ she said when they reached her doorway. Cooper nodded, running his hand through his hair. ‘Will you—’

  She was just asking him what his plans for tomorrow were when she found herself yanked down till she was sat in his lap. He put his hand around her back to steady her, and pulled her to him. Her legs dangled off one side, the wine stuffed down the seat edge. She gasped and turning to him, she could feel the breath on her cheek as he looked at her, their faces almost touching.

  ‘Forgive me if I don’t get up,’ he quipped. ‘I figured that you would have less chance to push me away when I did this.’ He closed the distance between them, and touched his mouth to hers. His stubble tickled her face as his soft lips caressed hers, and she sighed into him. He used her open mouth as an invitation, flicking his tongue against hers before deepening the kiss. His hand pressed into her back, and Kate felt the heat through her dress. They kissed slowly, deeply. Kate reached her hands up to his face as she kissed him back. When she ran her fingers along his stubble, moving down to his neck, he let out a low rumble from the pit of his chest and his hand gripped her tighter. His other hand came around till he encircled her tight within them. He grazed against her breast as he did so, and she shivered at the contact. She wiggled in his lap, to get closer to his body, and she felt him erect beneath her. He broke the kiss, breaking away just enough to look her in the eye. She looked at him and smiled. ‘You are so beautiful,’ she breathed. He kissed her again, laughing softly.

  ‘That should be my line,’ he replied, dropping little kisses along her jaw line. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensations, the feeling of his skin on hers. ‘You are stunning.’

  She giggled nervously, unused to the attention. She stole a glance around them, relieved to see that there was no one around to witness them together. He sensed her unease, and pulled her further into his embrace.

  ‘Don’t worry Missy, your virtue is intact. For tonight, anyway.’ He smiled ruefully, and she once again pulled his lips to hers. The kiss was tender this time, deep but light, full of meaning. It made her head spin, and she was sitting across his lap.

  ‘We have to be careful,’ she agreed, pulling back reluctantly. ‘You are still my patient technically, I work here, and I don’t want anything to affect my career. Mud sticks.’

  ‘And you have a husband,’ he said in a dull voice. She grimaced, and he put her hand into his. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with you guys, with us, with anything, but I know now that this was always going to happen. I could feel it the first day we met.’ His facial expression changed like a kaleidoscope from happy to pained, and she dropped a kiss onto his hand.

  ‘I’m so sorry, being around me causes you pain, doesn’t it?’ She made to sit up, but his arm tightened around her body. He ran his index finger from the top of her hairline, down her cheek to her jaw, watching the skin he touched. Kate wondered whether he could see the line she felt. It was as though he was leaving an indelible mark on her.

  ‘It did, at first, but you know what they say,’ he grinned. ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ She frowned at him, but he ran his fingers along her forehead. ‘No more frowning Kate, I meant what I said. You made me want to try. You actually make me get my arse out of bed on a morning, and that’s something I never thought would happen again.’

  She smiled at him. ‘I know just what you mean, Captain Cooper.’

  ***

  Monday morning, and Kate was sat in her best skirt suit, the one she usually saved for important meetings. Cream, with a dusky pink blouse and matching heels. She sat in the private room
in the local solicitor’s office, looking around at all the posters adorning the painted walls. Crying people, broken handshakes, sad children clutching teddy bears, all sat on one wall, while people in cuffs, behind bars or sat at an empty dinner table filled the other. She wondered to herself whether they sat their clients strategically based on their cases. Family law? Sad child. Facing conviction? Person behind bars. Cheating spouse? Empty dinner table.

  What would her poster depict? A flash of Cooper sat in his chair, all dressed up in his suit came unbidden and she had to force the thought away. When she thought of him, of their weekend together, Sunday being spent walking outside in the grounds with Jamie, laughing and joking, she got a flutter. The feeling in her stomach, deep in her soul, that reminded her of summers as a child. They would go in her father’s car to the local waterpark. Her dad would zip through the countryside, always speeding up just before the small bridge over the canal, and as they hit the downhill, her stomach would flip. Her dad would laugh, and she would shout for him to do it again, faster, on the way home. That memory of him was steadfast, a shiny, resplendent slice of time that she would bring out and hold on her darkest days. A feeling of excitement, of sunshine, freedom and love. That’s what Cooper was to her, she realised now. A good feeling, like family. Feelings like that you ran towards, not away from.

  The door opened, and a very stern looking woman popped around the corner.

  ‘Mrs Harper?’

  Hearing her married title felt like a knife jab to the gut, but she managed a smile.

  ‘For now, yes.’

  The woman nodded in understanding and took a seat, putting notepad and pen on the table between them.

  ‘I’m Helen Sharpe, we spoke on the phone. Have you had a chance to think about what you want to do?’

  ‘Yes,’ Kate said, jaw set. ‘I want to file for divorce and full custody of my son, Jamie.’

  Helen turned over to a clean page in her pad. Rather symbolic, if you believed in all that, Kate thought as she took a shaky breath.

  ‘Okay,’ said Helen, all business. ‘Let’s get started. Did you bring what I asked for?’

  Kate passed over the large envelope from her handbag. Helen flicked through the contents, spreading them out on the counter. Pieces of paper signifying passages of time, milestones. House deeds, marriage certificates, the birth certificate for her son. All their years together, in black and white.

  ‘The house is already up for sale, my … he, did that. The estate agent contacted me for my approval, which I gave. It’s to go fifty-fifty, and we have no other joint assets. Our cars and bank accounts were always separate.’ Of course, Neil would have a new car now. His other one was a write off. She had seen it in the pictures in the local paper. The seat that had held her son was unrecognisable, the door shorn off. The driver’s side was barely touched in comparison. She had pored over the articles for days when they first came out, for signs of someone at fault, some person to stand up and take the blame for destroying her son and tilting their whole world on its axis. All she had found among the pixels was more pain and questions. She had consigned the article cut-outs to a box in her room at the facility, in case the day came that Jamie ever needed to know just what had happened that day.

  ‘This all looks good,’ Helen said, putting the papers together in a neat bundle. ‘I shall be in touch about the rest when we get the ball rolling.’

  Kate nodded, rising to leave. One meeting, and things were set in motion. Soon it would be over, and then she and Jamie could talk about the future, their new start. She just hoped that Jamie would listen, when the time came. The alternative made her shudder. A life without her boy had already come too close, and now she had glimpsed him coming back to her, she wasn’t willing to go back.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Cooper was in a mood, and everyone knew about it. The moment he showed his face at the gym on Monday morning, his usually chatty workout buddies gave him a wide berth. These guys, not afraid of staring an armed enemy in the face, recoiled from Cooper’s vitriolic demeanour. He had practically barrelled into the room and had grunted and growled at everyone that dared to venture close. He pumped iron with a vengeance, and was building up a good sweat. The rest of the men fell away as the morning went on, and soon Cooper and a couple of tough nuts were the only ones using the space. The smell of sweat and rubber equipment hung in the air, and Cooper started to relax a little as he channelled his frustrations out through his muscles. He could feel the tension sweat out of him as he worked, and he once again found his mind on her.

  Sunday had been perfect. A day of doing nothing, hanging out in the sunshine. Jamie had really opened up, shown Coop a glimpse of the carefree kid he once was. They had talked of everything and nothing, and the day had been unlike any other Cooper had ever known. He imagined it was how ordinary people felt most days, hanging out with their family at home, in the garden, or the park. Rita had joined them at lunchtime, bringing with her a colossal picnic basket, and occupied Jamie with talk of helping her bake in the kitchen. Jamie wanted to be a baker it seemed, and Rita hadn’t batted an eyelid, setting off in excited chatter about what she would teach him that week. Jamie had had the biggest smile on his face, and as Cooper watched Kate, he could see that she was soaking up every second. There had been no talk of Neil, but Cooper was intrigued to say the least. They had been together before the accident, so he must have played an active role in his life. Where was he now? He wanted to ask her, but every now and then he caught a glimpse of her and knew she was far away. She fiddled with her hair or pulled at her fingernails when she got that faraway look, and he knew that she was worrying about something. Or was she missing him? Had he left them?

  The whole thing was tying him in knots. He knew he wanted to be with them, and he wasn’t a man who dealt in uncertainties. He had a feeling in his gut that something wasn’t right, but he just couldn’t get the measure of it.

  Monday had heralded the start of their new routine, but when Cooper had gone to take Kate her usual contraband coffee, to see her face again, get his hit, the room was empty. The schedule said she was out all day, and he wondered why she hadn’t mentioned it. He felt stuck, trapped in his chair, in this place, and for the first time in his life, it wasn’t his life at stake, but his heart. He already knew that the pain from breaking that wouldn’t be something he could recover from, and he had resolved to get stronger, to do what he did best. To stand on his own, and fight for what he believed in.

  Kate pulled into the drive of their old home and pulled up the handbrake. It was another mild day, and the lawn looked good, considering the house had been abandoned by its owners. She suspected that Alf next door had something to do with that, and she made a mental note to take him a bottle of his favourite tipple as a thank you. After all, buyers wanted something nice to look at, not neglect and dead flowers. The ‘for sale’ sign stood proudly in the front garden. After ringing the agent this morning, she had been surprised to hear just how many people had been to view the house. The agent was confident an offer would soon come, and it had spurred Kate to take the full day off. Rip off the whole band aid. She was hoping that today would be the last day she would ever have to see this house, and she had come equipped. Getting out, she lugged the boxes and bags from the back seat up to the front door. Taking a deep breath, she put the key in the lock. Ghosts of the past, time to be exorcised.

  Two hours later, having changed into sweats and a large t-shirt, Kate was sweaty and covered in dust. It was amazing just how much dirt could accumulate in an empty house. She could see that Neil hadn’t been the best housekeeper while she had been abroad, and she added another item onto the ‘hate my husband’ list she kept in her head. 927 so far. Not bad. Worthy of full arsehole status in the dickhead hall of fame, she would venture. He would probably show up to claim his trophy too.

  She had started in Jamie’s room, filling boxes with things he wouldn’t use again. Rollerskates, his skateboard. Football boots, recovered fro
m the accident. She had wept over those, sat on his Avengers bedspread. The boots were scuffed, ripped in places, but she couldn’t bear to part with them. They all went into the box marked ‘Jamie storage’ with a red star marked on it. Red for open when ready. If ready. She had hired a storage locker, a huge space in which to store their furniture and belongings until the next chapter began. She had a moving van coming at five o’clock and a hell of a lot still to do. She was ruthless once Jamie’s room was all done. She had taken every belonging of his, and marked all his furniture, except his bed, with purple stickers denoting to the moving men that they were to go into storage. Jamie would need a special bed now anyway. She marked it on a list on the clipboard she had brought with her. She would give the list to the estate agents. They would have to pass it on to Neil. Anything he didn’t want could be tossed or given to the new owners. After that van showed up, anything not packed up or stickered would be consigned to memory as far as she was concerned. She would only take what was hers and Jamie’s, the rest was not needed.

  She stickered her furniture, the items from her father’s house that she would never part with, one of the television sets, a good portion of the kitchen appliances and equipment. She moved from room to room, boxing and bagging, filling the recycling and rubbish bins outside. She heard the noise of a lawnmower out front, and reaching into the liquor cabinet, she pulled out two bottles of expensive scotch. Neil had been saving them for a special occasion. Moving day counted. She smiled to herself as she grabbed them both, heading out of the front door with the rest of the rubbish bags under her other arm. Alf was mowing the lawn, one eye on her house, and she realised that he had probably been using the chore as an excuse to check on her. She dumped the rubbish into the bin, squashing it down as best she could and headed over. Alf stopped the mower and smiled at her as she reached him.