The Long Walk Back

by Rachel Dove

  Working with her new clients had been good, giving her something new to focus on. She knew that the papers would be reaching Neil any day now, and she didn’t know yet just how he was going to react. If he was going to react. Either way, she knew that she had to tell Jamie.

  As she rounded the corner to the cafeteria, she found herself looking for Cooper. Jamie wasn’t here yet, probably finishing off a session with his physio, which had admittedly been going badly. Although Jamie was talking to her now, he still sometimes eyed her with a look of distrust, and Kate wondered what her little boy was thinking behind those watchful eyes. Her heart sank a little when she didn’t spot Cooper, but then, she shouldn’t have expected to see him either. He had decided that keeping a low profile while she spoke to Jamie was for the best, and Kate had to agree with him. She knew her son liked Cooper, but as a boyfriend for his mother? Maybe not so much. The truth was, since the accident, Jamie was a different child. He had every reason to feel and act as he did, she realised that, but she couldn’t help feeling renewed anger at Neil every time Jamie lashed out in anger. She had told him to leave the hospital that day, she knew that, but any sort of a man would have at least put up a fight, called her out on her words, refused to leave. He did come back, once. He had showed up at the ward doors, slinking off again when she had screamed at him to go. He didn’t fight, he didn’t even ask how their son was doing.

  If he had done that, maybe Kate would have relented, given him the chance to be there for his son, but instead all she had done was shout abuse as his white crumpled shirt disappeared down the hospital corridor.

  When she had first seen Neil, covered in blood, she had run to him, her body crumbling into him. A worried ball of snot and fear. She had stroked the dried blood on his shirt, trying to find the wounds, but there were none. The blood wasn’t his.

  Where the hell had he been?

  Taking a seat in the cafeteria, she smiled as she saw Jamie coming towards her, being wheeled by a stony-faced therapist, George.

  ‘Hi,’ Kate said, reaching for the salt shaker subconsciously for something to fiddle with. Jamie didn’t acknowledge her, his eyes cast down at his chair arm.

  ‘Good morning, Kate,’ George said, his Jamaican lilt coming through in his deep velvety tones. ‘Not a good morning for ya’boy. Two cups thrown at me head this morning.’

  Jamie snorted and glared at Kate. She glared back, using her best mum scowl, and Jamie’s face screwed up tighter, his gaze intensifying. Kate’s shoulders sagged as she sighed. She didn’t have it in her to argue with her son this morning. Looking at George again, she smiled her best pearly smile. ‘Thank you, George, and sorry. I shall of course be speaking to my son immediately.’ She emphasised the ‘immediately’ and Jamie tutted like the petulant pre-teen he was.

  George laughed a low rumble and, putting the chair’s brake on, started to walk away.

  ‘No worries man, last week it was three. All progress is progress, no matter how small the victory.’ He laughed again as he grabbed a tray in the lunch line. Kate turned her attention back to Jamie.

  ‘What is wrong with you? You can’t treat people like that, Jamie, and you know it.’

  He flinched at her words. ‘I don’t see the point in being nice, Mum. They make me work every day, for what? I’m never going to walk again, am I? You know that. So why do this every day? I wish they would just leave me alone. I want to go back to school, to my friends.’

  Kate wanted to break down and cuddle him like a baby right then and there, but she held fast.

  ‘No, you won’t walk again, that’s true. But you can’t give up. You are not a quitter, do you hear me? This therapy is about keeping your body healthy, keeping you active, so you don’t waste away in that chair. Your life is not over Jamie, so stop treating people like dirt, and try!’ Her voice raised a little too high at the end, and her son locked eyes with her at her sharp tones. She spoke again, gentler this time.

  ‘Jamie, I know that you have been through an awful thing, and that it’s not fair, but we are alive, and we are together, we have to find some happiness. You will always have me, I will never leave your side again, till you want me to. And then I will be right behind you, cheering you on.’

  She pushed aside the salt shaker, reaching for his hand across the table. He didn’t move his, and she wrapped her hands around his. He was warm to the touch, and she squeezed his fingers gently.

  ‘I have something to tell you,’ she started.

  ‘Is it about you and Dad, or you and Cooper?’ he asked, his face neutral. Kate suddenly felt like a naughty teenager, caught by her father kissing behind the bike sheds, but she continued.

  ‘Well, it’s about both, but they’re separate things. You know I went to our old house the other day, to get our things? Well, I went to see someone too. I went to see someone about you, and caring for you, and about me and your dad not being together anymore.’

  ‘Getting a divorce, aren’t you?’ he said flatly. She nodded.

  ‘Yes Jamie, we are. And I want you to stay with me, so a solicitor is going to sort everything out, and when the house is sold, and you are ready, we can move to a new home, for us.’

  ‘And will Cooper be coming to live with us?’ he asked, again, holding back no punches. Kate blanched a little at the question.

  ‘Why would you think that?’ she asked, realising that her almost nine-year-old son already knew more than she thought.

  ‘I think he likes you,’ Jamie said, reaching for the salt shaker as his mother had. ‘I know he does, actually. I think you like him too. You aren’t as sad anymore.’

  Kate glanced around the thankfully quite busy and noisy cafeteria, and was satisfied that no one was listening in.

  ‘Well, Cooper and I do like each other, but right now we’re just friends. Would you mind if we were more than friends, later on?’

  Jamie shook his head. ‘No, I like him Mum. He makes me laugh.’ His little face frowned. ‘What will Dad think though? I know he doesn’t come to see me, but if you tell him you’re not sad anymore, he might be able to come and visit us.’

  Kate shook her head hard. ‘No Jamie, your dad can’t come see you, I’m afraid.’

  Jamie banged the shaker down on the table with a clunk, getting a few stares as a result. Kate looked around nervously, not wanting everyone to hear what they were saying.

  ‘Jamie, calm down. When you’re older, I’ll explain everything, okay? Do you want some lunch now, we can leave this till later?’

  He banged the shaker down again, one, two. ‘No!’ he shouted. ‘I want you to tell me now, why can’t my dad come and see me. Why are you so mean!?’

  Kate flushed with colour and, getting up slowly, she went to her son’s chair, kneeling beside him.

  ‘Jamie, keep your voice down. I will explain everything—’

  ‘No!’ he exploded, pushing her away hard, so she fell backwards into a heap on the floor. People were now studiously trying to avoid looking, and the silence grew with every passing second. She scrambled back to her knees, putting her hand onto his leg, but he slapped it away.

  ‘No, I want to see my dad! You move me here, I can’t go to school, see my friends, I want Dad! Why can’t he come? I haven’t seen him for ages, it’s not fair Mum!’ He was crying now, angry, shaky tears, and Kate sat on the floor with her hands on her knees, eyes filling up. She knew everyone was watching, wondering just what sort of a person kept a broken boy from his dad, but she couldn’t see them anymore. She just saw her son, who was now fighting with his brake, crying loudly with grunts of frustration.

  ‘Jamie …’ she whispered. ‘Please, just let me explain …’

  ‘No!’ he screamed in her face, leaning forward. He clicked the brake off, and tried to move the chair, which was stuck between the table leg and his mother. ‘Just let me out! I want to go, I want Dad. I hate you!’ He brought his hand back and slapped her across the face, hard. Kate cried then, sobbing as George quietly came forward, p
ulling Jamie’s chair away. He was screaming down the corridor as he went, George letting him get it out as he slowly pushed him. ‘You’re a bitch Mum, I want my dad, not you! I hate you, I hate you!’

  Kate cried as she sat on the floor, devastated. She could hear people, objects, moving around, the sound of wheels moving fast, but she paid no notice. Then someone held her; she felt a body sit down awkwardly next to hers, and take her in their arms, and she went willingly. She caught the tang of Cooper’s aftershave, and she cried anew. He was there for her. He pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arm around her. He pushed her hair away from her face, smoothing it behind her ear, and rubbed her back. He didn’t say a word, and she cried till she was done.

  Wiping her eyes, she looked at him. He was looking right at her, tears in his own eyes.

  ‘I’m here, Missy.’ The use of her pet name, once so annoying, made her smile through her tears. ‘I’m here.’ Looking around, Kate saw that the lunch room was deserted, and she felt a pang of shame that her personal business had obviously become common knowledge, sending people fleeing hungry. The thought of them being the talk of the centre set her off again, and Cooper pulled her closer, putting her head into the crook of his neck. One hand stroked her back, the other ran through her hair. He murmured something under his breath, and Kate didn’t quite catch it.

  ‘What?’ she whispered numbly. He looked shocked for a moment, and shook his head.

  ‘It’s nothing. You okay to get up?’ She pulled away from him, but he stopped her.

  ‘Kate, I’m here. Remember that. If you want me, I am here.’ Kate nodded, standing up. Turning around, she was about to give her hand to Cooper to help him get up, when she saw Trevor in the doorway, stony-faced.

  ‘Dr Harper, in my office when you have a minute please,’ he said, his annoyed monotone coming through in waves, then he turned and left. Cooper chuckled softly as he pulled himself into his chair.

  ‘Looks like the cat might be out of the bag.’ He brushed her hand as he passed her. ‘Come find me later.’

  Kate knocked on the door to Trevor’s office. A curt ‘come in’ saw her walking into the room, fists clenched with nerves at her side. Trevor had his back to her, standing in front of the window behind his desk. Kate stood there, not wanting to take a seat till he spoke. They hadn’t seen each other since the kiss. She had been avoiding him, and he knew it.

  Neither moved. A strange standoff, Kate staring steadfast at his ramrod straight back. The door swished closed behind her, and he sighed. Kate was just wishing for an earthquake, or an alien abduction when he turned to face her. His face was closed off, not the friendly happy Trevor she was used to.

  ‘Kate, what’s going on with you and Jamie?’

  Kate huffed with relief. ‘I am so sorry Trevor, it will not happen again. I know we disturbed the patients, I will make sure I discuss personal things in private from now on.’

  ‘I didn’t ask that Kate, I want to know what’s going on? I thought you were getting on better?’

  ‘We were, we are – I just had to have a hard talk with him, he didn’t take some news well—’

  ‘And what news is that?’ Trevor asked, his jaw flexing with anger.

  ‘Well, it’s personal actually, Trevor.’ He obviously didn’t see anything.

  Trevor ran his fingers through his hair, sitting down on his chair with a bump. ‘Personal? Since when do we have secrets from each other?’ He looked genuinely hurt, and she felt for him, but everything had changed since that kiss. He never knew just how bad her marriage to Neil had been, how trapped she felt. It become obvious in that instant to her that Trevor thought that they were a lot closer than they were. Kate cared about him, of course, as a mentor, a friend, colleague but clearly Trevor felt different.

  ‘Trevor, I think we need to talk. About the other day. I don’t know what I did to make you think that—’

  ‘You didn’t make me think anything Kate. You were with Neil, and now you’re not. I misread the situation, and took a chance. I’m sorry for that, but I did think that once you were ready, we could have perhaps gone out, seen where things might go. We have known each other a long time, and I know Jamie well, so it could have been worth exploring.’

  Kate didn’t know where to look. Hearing these words coming from Trevor was new territory, and she wondered for a moment how she had come to argue with so many men in her life. She really needed to get some girlfriends, start lunching, frequenting nail bars, instead of spending her days like this, or escaping to the pool to swim out her frustrations alone.

  ‘I am flattered, I really am, but I just don’t see you that way, and things with Neil are still not resolved, so …’

  She let her voice trail off, not wanting to lie. His look told her he wanted to ask her more, but thankfully he stayed silent on the subject. Nodding slowly, he fiddled with a pen on his desk.

  ‘I understand that you have been under a great amount of stress Kate, and I am here for you … as a friend, of course,’ he met her eyes for a split second before looking away. ‘I just have to question your choices lately, about Neil, about Jamie. You don’t speak to me like you used to. And as for your patients, I have concerns.’

  Kate snapped. ‘My patients are fine, they get my full attention when I’m working with them. I’m a good doctor, despite my change in situation.’

  Trevor held up his hand to stop her. ‘I know you’re a good doctor.’

  Kate cut him off, only just stopping herself from smacking his raised palm away.

  ‘So what are you referring to, then? I explained that lunch was an isolated incident, I didn’t handle it as well as I could have, but lesson learned. Have any of my patients complained?’

  ‘Kate, no one has complained. It’s you, you’re different. And I believe your objectivity might have been compromised a little. Friendships blur the lines, Kate.’

  Kate stood up then, so fast that her chair skidded over, bashing onto the floor.

  ‘With all due respect, boss,’ she spat. ‘Unless there has been a complaint, then I don’t see why I’m here. I think you’re overstepping the mark, and I am going back to work. Friendship or no friendship, I am professional with my patients.’

  She headed for the door, almost falling over the upturned chair in her haste.

  ‘Kate,’ Trevor shouted after her. ‘Kate!’

  She kept going. As much as she wanted to slap him, she needed this job.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  The following morning, Kate was up and out of her room before the alarm could go off. Jamie had refused to speak to her since their disastrous lunch date, and she wasn’t going to try again till the end of the day. Jamie on a morning gave Kevin the Teenager a run for his money, even on a good day – and she didn’t want to start her morning with an argument. She had a full day ahead with Cooper, and she couldn’t pretend that she wasn’t elated. She had been up late tossing and turning thinking about her fight with Trevor too, the two spinning around in her mind. Dressing up in her uniform, clipboard in hand, she felt in control again. A welcome distraction from the colossal mess that was her personal life.

  Her solicitor had said that she would be in touch when the papers were served to Neil, but as the days went on, she was beginning to wonder whether the court was finding it as difficult to track him down as she was. She wondered if he had been back down to the house again, if he had seen that she had taken Jamie’s and her things away. It would be obvious as soon as he walked through their old threshold that she had been, and that she wouldn’t be coming back. She wondered what he felt, or if he felt anything at all, when he saw the missing photographs on the wall. The ones left behind told the story. Wedding photos, still framed up on the wall, surrounded by empty hooks where photos of Jamie and them once stood. She had taken them for Jamie, in case he wanted them when he was older, but the day she married that man was not one she needed a memento from. There were some in the family albums, she would save them too for their son, but the oth
ers on the wall she found she could not bear to touch.

  She knew that she would cross paths with Trevor today, and she had to face that, too. He wasn’t going to let this lie, and she missed his friendship, however weird things were right now. She had few friends as it was, and losing Trevor wasn’t something she wanted to think about. Plus, she needed this job, so they would have to make it work. So many people seemed to be mad at her at the moment, or avoiding her altogether, and she was glad that Cooper wasn’t one of them.

  Walking into the therapy suite, she noticed that he hadn’t arrived yet, so she sat down at the table, looking through his file. She saw that he had just had a routine physical check-up. His medical records talked of his scarring from the injuries to his torso, his amputation and mental profile, all done through the army medic specialists. It seemed that he had told them of his phantom limb pain recently, and discussed the fact that it was improving by using techniques from his therapist, named as her. She smiled, thinking of just how far he had come, both mentally and physically. She flipped the page and noticed that Cooper had requested another check, one for sexual health reasons. The blood froze in her veins. Sexual check-up? She was just about to read further when Cooper rode through the door, a large box resting on his lap.

  ‘Morning,’ she said hurriedly, dropping the file on the floor in her haste to get up. Cooper wheeled over to her, quick as a flash, setting the box on the table. A waft of breakfast smells filled the air, but Kate was too busy scrambling to her knees to notice. He came alongside her, helping her to pick up some papers.

  ‘Whoa, you okay?’ he asked gently, shuffling the documents into a small neat pile. ‘Where’s the fire?’

  ‘No fire!’ she squeaked. She cleared her throat, aware that an explosion of colour had filled her cheeks. ‘Er … nothing’s wrong, I was just checking the paperwork was up to date.’

  He looked at her, passing her the papers with a slight frown. ‘See something bad in there?’

  She realised he was nervous, but was it from guilt, or something else? Was he embarrassed?