THE PRACTICAL PRINCESS and Other Liberating Fairy Tales
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The old man at once turned into a lion. Sir Brian held fast. The lion became a fanged wolf. Sir Brian with a laugh still held him. The wolf became a dragon. Sir Brian held on. The dragon, in the blink of an eye, turned into a lady.
“Oh, you’re hurting me,” said the lady. “Not very knightly of you.”
“I beg your pardon,” said Sir Brian. He let go at once. The enchanter promptly waved his hand and
turned Sir Brian into a pelican, which gave a dismal squawk and flew out the window.
The enchanter changed back into himself and began to dust off his cloak. At that instant, Sir Philbert, who had seen the whole thing from the doorway, rushed in and grabbed the enchanter by the neck.
“What? Another one?” shrieked the enchanter.
He was so confused that he turned himself into a dreadful combination of lion, wolf, dragon, and woman all at once. Sir Philbert gritted his teeth and hung on. The enchanter then turned into a unicorn, a falcon, a salmon, a chest of drawers, a saber-toothed tiger, and a burning wastepaper basket. Sir Philbert held on for dear life. At last, the enchanter turned into a wasp. This time, Sir Philbert almost did let go. But he thought of his health and of Victoria and of poor blustering Sir Brian, who was now a pelican, and he gripped the wasp tightly. It didn’t sting him after all.
Instead, it turned back into the enchanter, looking extremely sulky.
“Very well,” he panted. “You’ve won. What is your wish?”
“I want to take the spell off Sir Brian,” said Sir Philbert.
“What, right now?”
“At once.”
The enchanter chuckled disagreeably. “Very well,”
he said. He waved his hand. Sir Brian, who was at that moment flying low over a swamp, changed back into himself and fell plop! into the mud.
“Anything else?” said the enchanter.
“Yes,” said Sir Philbert, remembering the reason for the quest. “I want you to let the emperor’s daughter go.”
“Let her go? How can I let her go when I haven’t got her?”
“Oh, my,” groaned Sir Philbert. “I knew it was the wrong castle. Well, who did kidnap her?”
“She was kidnapped by Brasilgore,” said the enchanter. “And she has already been rescued.”
“She has? Where is she?”
“Downstairs in my courtyard,” snarled the enchanter. “Now, if there’s nothing else I can do for you, will you please go away?”
But Sir Philbert had already gone, down the stairs two at a time.
“And so Brasilgore the enchanter was a giant,” he said as he and Victoria went trotting off together, she riding more comfortably on Sir Brian’s horse. “But why didn’t you tell us?”
“You never asked me,” Victoria replied.
“That’s true. Well, I suppose I’d better take you home to your father as quickly as possible.”
They traveled until they came to the emperor’s empire. They entered the great city, and all the people ran out to cheer and stare and point. They came to the castle, and there was the emperor on a throne of ivory and emeralds. There also was Sir Brian, looking very muddy and rusty and bothered.
“Victoria, my darling, I’m so glad to see you again,” said the emperor, embracing her. “Sir Brian was telling me how he had failed to find you.”
Victoria hugged her father. “I must just tell you everything that has happened,” she cried. And so she did.
When she was finished, the emperor said, “I have sworn to give half my kingdom and my daughter’s hand to the man brave enough to rescue her.”
Sir Philbert blushed. “My lord,” he said, “I really don’t want half your kingdom. I have a nice little castle of my own, and it’s all I can do to manage it-but I would like to have Victoria.”
Victoria smiled and took his hand.
Then Sir Brian interrupted. “My lord emperor,” he cried, “that man didn’t rescue your daughter by bravery. He killed the giant by accident and the cockatrice by a trick.”
“Dear me,” said the emperor. He stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Now let me get this straight. Where is Sir Hugo of Brandish?”
“He died a hero’s death, sire,” said Sir Brian.
“I see. And Sir Armet of Anguish?”
“Perished bravely in combat.”
“Ah. And as for you, you’d still be a pelican if it hadn’t been for Sir Philbert, eh?”
Sir Brian frowned. “But he is a coward!” he said.
“Ah, yes, there’s that.” The emperor turned to one of his servants and whispered in his ear. The servant turned pale and ran off. He came back in a few moments with a large box. From the box came a loud and angry humming.
“Now, gallant sirs,” said the emperor, “here is a box containing a wasps’ nest. I’d like one of you to reach inside and catch a wasp for me. There is no reward. I just want a wasp.”
Sir Brian reached out a hand, listened to the furious humming, winced, and drew it back. Nobody else moved.
“You see,” said the emperor, “when Sir Philbert held on to the enchanter he was being quite as brave
as was necessary. Sir Philbert, will you reach in and get me a wasp?”
Sir Philbert swallowed hard. He had had more practice than anyone else, so to speak, but he didn’t much want to do it again. Then, suddenly, he had an idea. He grinned. He pulled on one of his iron gloves, reached into the box, and took out a wasp.
Victoria laughed. She said to her father, “He’s the only one of him there is, and I’m the only one of me there is, and he knows how to take care of both of us.”
“Quite right,” said the emperor. “I’d much rather have my daughter married to someone with sense enough to stay alive and take care of her than have her married to a pelican.”
So Philbert and Victoria were married and rode happily home to take care of each other.
Jay Williams
is the author of seventy-six books of fiction and non-fiction for adults and children. In addition to his fairy tales for young readers, he is perhaps best known for his popular science-fiction series, the Danny Dunn books; and, under the pen-name Michael Delving, he has written a number of crime novels for adults. Mr. Williams and his wife alternate between living in a village in Gloucestershire, England the scene of many of his thrillers-and their home in Newport, Rhode Island. His children’s books for Parents’ Magazine Press include The Cookie Tree, The King With Six Friends, School for Sillies, The Youngest Captain, A Bag Full of Nothing-and five of the tales in this collection.