Of Sea and Cloud

by Jon Keller

  It’s true, Jonah. Don’t you remember being underwater? Your mother was dead only a short while, but you heard His voice and climbed from the pit. Soon you will believe, will you not? The Lord shall deliver us all. The path, Jonah. The Lord is the path.

  Jonah worked his hand around Osmond’s index finger and tried to bend it back but Osmond only gripped tighter.

  Then Osmond relaxed. He sighed. Let go, Jonah, and I will let go.

  Jonah let go. Osmond’s hand left Jonah’s arm but slid overtop Jonah’s eyes and squeezed the temples. The palm became a screen on which Jonah saw himself as a child dipping beneath the waters. He saw his father and brother standing aboard the boat watching. His father held the gaff at his side and hollered something which the winds would not allow Jonah to hear and now Jonah writhed under Osmond’s embrace and again he reached for the door but Osmond held him. Jonah saw his brother leap into the water and swim to him and he felt the cold skin of Bill’s arm wrap around his neck and he heard his father’s distant screams but could not understand the words.

  Osmond’s hand released Jonah’s head. Jonah sat for a moment and tried to dismiss the uncanny notion that he’d been raped but did feel as if his mind had been somehow penetrated and before he recovered he blurted, Blood and blood alone, right?

  Once more Osmond reached out and he took Jonah hard by the jaw and lifted and Jonah’s ass came out of the seat and his head hit the cab ceiling. Osmond’s eyes were red with veins like arc welds. Jonah gripped Osmond’s arm and it was like squeezing oak. Jonah choked and scrambled and his knees hit the dashboard. He reached for soft tissue. His hand landed on Osmond’s face and the broken nose was cold plastic so Jonah pulled his hand away and instead gripped the hand that held him as if he were holding a microphone. Osmond held him in the air with a hand like a crusher claw and with an icy finality Jonah understood right then that death was on its way.

  Julius is innocent, Osmond said with a voice strangely fervent. Do you hear me? I believe that Julius is innocent.

  Osmond released him and opened the door but before he could get out Jonah said, You believe? What do you believe Julius told us last night, Osmond? Tell me that.

  Osmond paused then lifted himself out of the truck but before he shut the door he bent over and faced Jonah and said, He did not tell you a thing.

  Now Jonah grimaced. Do you believe that? You think he’s as tough as he pretends to be? You ever had your hand in a pot hauler, Osmond? I’ll tell you this: The next time he goes on the water, he ain’t coming home. We gave him a chance, and you know as well as I do that he didn’t take it. So now it ends.

  Osmond blinked once then eased the door closed and walked up the hill and it was not until the black truck was gone that Jonah began to shake.

  • • •

  Jonah drove past the harbor and up the hill into the maple woods. He followed the east side of the river. He didn’t know where he was going. His stomach muscles clenched with confusion. He crested the hill and saw Charlotte’s car in Julius’s driveway and the confusion spun away like a column of wasps.

  He slammed the truck to a halt and stuffed an unlit cigarette in his lips and he opened the truck door. He crossed the frozen driveway and went up the three steps and stood under the small roof and peered through a window. It felt like years since he’d been there but it was only a matter of hours. The kitchen was still a mess and the coffee table was upset and the television was on and there was no one in the room. He gripped the doorknob and everything was silent and in that silence he heard either a gasp or a plea and couldn’t tell but it was as if the walls were shaking. The noise shot into his ears and down his neck and torso. His mind flicked to his mother reading him a children’s story about the sky falling down.

  He held his breath. The gasp echoed. He needed sleep and he needed food. His brain felt charred. He managed to light the cigarette and he heard another noise and he looked down at his legs shaking and he couldn’t stop them and he couldn’t interpret the nature of the noise. It occurred to him that he should just get in his truck and run far from it all and leave her to get what she’d come for.

  His thighs and hips and back clenched. He held the cigarette in a shaking hand. A car passed like a silent film and he saw the woman driving the car and she was pale and obese with a skinny bearded man whom Jonah recognized as a local clam digger slumped and grimacing beside her. Another noise and he thought, The hell with it, and he gripped the doorknob. The latch clicked quiet and he stepped into the house. It smelled like tomato sauce. He held the door in his hand and he heard Charlotte’s throat sounds clearly now and his throat constricted. He saw her clothes piled in the middle of the room. Her red underwear and her red bra. He crossed the floor. He couldn’t catch his breath. He stopped opposite the bathroom door and the toilet seat was up and a half roll of toilet paper sat on the sink and several towels were strewn about the stained floor. He heard skin smacking skin and Charlotte’s grunts and still he knew not if the grunts were born of pleasure or pain.

  He took another step and stood framed in the bedroom doorway.

  He saw Julius’s back and his bare thin white ass working and Julius’s skinny muscled legs. Julius stood on his tiptoes at the end of the bed and beyond him on the bed Jonah saw Charlotte’s white skin. She was on her hands and knees and her black hair hung onto the white bed. He could see her chin atop the pillow and her legs spread and quaking on either side of Julius. A single breast dangled and swung.

  Jonah’s mind flashed. He stepped out of the doorway and stood with his back to the wall. He slid down the wall like a bloodstain and sat with his legs out straight. He held his burning cigarette in his fingers and it burned down to ash and Charlotte grunted deep and primal and the ash fell on the carpet and he heard her manage I want to be on top now then a brief rustling and they did not stop and did not stop. Jonah leaned his head back against the wall and stared at the ceiling and his ribs throbbed and tears ran down his cheeks and caught on the edges of his mouth. He tasted saltwater.

  Bill drove fast through the maple woods and over the empty sweeping fields. He crossed the river clutched with ice and turned south down the western shore. He stopped at a double-wide trailer with a broken-down swing set beside it.

  Erma Lee’s car was in the small driveway. He looked at it for a moment before getting out. He crossed the dooryard which was ice and dog shit and he climbed the few plywood steps to a sagging off-level deck. He knocked on the door. It rattled with each knock. Through the window he could see the television set flickering and he heard voices and footsteps and finally the door opened.

  It was Erma Lee’s cousin Josephine. Her bulk filled the door space. She looked Bill up and down before saying, Erma Lee, you got yourself a visitor.

  She shut the door and left Bill standing on the deck. He examined the rusted framework of the swing set and the swing with no seat but only a length of rope to balance on. A dog barked somewhere down the street. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and stamped his feet and wondered if Erma Lee had any intention of coming to the door. He was preparing himself to knock again when it opened and she stepped out.

  She wore a hat and mittens and a heavy jacket. She moved past him and down the steps and got in the driver’s seat of her car. He stood in front of the car wondering what she intended to do. She opened her door and said, Get in if you got something to say.

  He sat in the passenger seat. The car smelled of air fresheners and fast food. He concentrated on the ratty siding on the trailer walls and swallowed several times before he said, Erma Lee. His voice cracked and he repeated himself. Erma Lee. I love you and I love that we’ve got a baby coming.

  He paused and looked at her but she was stone-faced. He pushed his feet into the floor mat. He blinked several times over. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes raw then put them on. He faced her. I know I don’t deserve it for the way I been but here I’m asking you to believe in me. That’s all. I ain’t asking for you to love me or even t
rust me just yet. Just believe in me because I know I ain’t got everything you need but I’ll get it, Erma Lee. I will get it.

  Erma Lee glanced at him then blew a breath of air out and opened her door. She started to get out and Bill grabbed her arm.

  We got a chance here, Erma Lee. Don’t we?

  You tell me. I done gave you a chance, Bill. I gave you plenty.

  I know it.

  Then what do you want?

  She stuffed her hands between her thighs and hunched her shoulders then settled.

  You. I want you. But not just you and not just me but us and the baby all as one. I ain’t been like that before.

  All of a sudden you want all that, Bill? I don’t see nothing different except it’s winter and you ain’t been on the water every day so you’re bored is all.

  Bill shook his head no. He moved his mouth as if chewing the words he was trying to speak. It’s always been me and maybe Jonah. Ever since our mother died in that wreck. I never figured on more than that. You know?

  No, Bill. I guess I don’t, she said. She nodded toward the trailer. You think this is how I figured my life? Living at my cousin’s trailer?

  I guess not. Maybe it took me a long time to learn it. Maybe even too long for you. But either way it’s learned. It sunk in. I know it.

  You know what, Bill? I don’t know what you’re saying.

  He cleared his throat and when he spoke the words came fast as if they’d been piled up in his throat. I know it ain’t me and you and a kid is what I’m saying. We’re one and that’s what I want. That’s what I need. There ain’t no other way and I’m sorry it took me so long. And I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you for it but I learned it and that’s what matters. From here on out we got us nothing but open sailing.

  She turned her head to him. Nothing on her face moved as her eyes dug into him like barbs which he could not pull out. He felt his pulse in his throat like the thump of railroad tracks.

  Erma Lee got out of the car. She leaned forward as if to say something to him but instead she shut the door. She took a step back and hesitated then turned away. He watched her climb the steps and disappear into the trailer. The old storm door slapped in its framework behind her.

  Bill slumped back in the seat and watched the door. He took out his cigarettes and turned the pack in his hands over and over and read everything written on the pack then leaned his head back and shut his eyes and wondered if loneliness was something he would get used to. When he opened his eyes it was dark and lights shone from the trailer windows. He saw a movement out of the corner of his eye and at first thought it was a dog probing the shadows but the car door opened and Erma Lee stuck her head in.

  You’re still here, she said.

  I guess so.

  Why don’t you go home, Bill?

  I’m waiting for you to come with me.

  Now?

  Now.

  Erma Lee straightened. All he could see was her hips and torso and he focused on the spot he figured the baby to be. He reached a hand out to touch it but as he did so she shifted and he withdrew his hand. He expected the door to shut and her to go back inside but she bent and he saw her eyes wide. He rolled his hips and dug into his pocket and brought the ring out.

  This ain’t where I wanted to do this and this ain’t how. But it’s why and it’s you and that’s all that matters to me. He held the ring out between two big awkward fingers and the diamond sparkled in the residual trailer lights. Erma Lee sucked in her bottom lip but her eyes didn’t leave Bill’s.

  Later, she said. She put her hand on his cheek and leaned in and kissed him. You do this later, Bill.

  The house was empty when Charlotte got home. She stood in the shower with the water hot and her eyes closed. She felt a tight pain in her guts and remembered the pain of Julius squeezing her breasts. The black look in his eyes. The recent memory tolled like the sound of a faraway bell and there was a hidden part of her that had been proud of the pain but now that pride disgusted her.

  Her parents came home. Her father stumbled into the living room and collapsed into his chair and stared at the television that wasn’t even on. Charlotte wished she could go to him but she did not. Instead she slipped out the door and drove to the Irving station and bought a small heat-lamp pizza. She ate a slice as she drove and tossed the rest out the window. She thought about her father and she didn’t feel the anger she had earlier. She felt sorry for him as if she’d not been there for him when he needed her and it dawned on her that she’d never before thought her father would need anything from anyone.

  Darkness had settled by the time she passed her own driveway. She skirted the harbor and bounced down the two-track road and parked at the pound. It was a calm night and the moon was full and the spruce trees were covered in snow. The pound was frozen over and the ice gleamed in the moonlight. She dug through her glovebox and found her small flashlight and turned it on and got out of the car. She put an extra sweatshirt on and stepped into the trees.

  The trail was canopied by spruce and fir boughs and the snow came to her shins. Her flashlight beam bounced yellow over the white expanse. She walked quickly and warmed with the exertion. The woods were silent but she heard the steady crashing of waves on the rocks and the gong buoy ringing and between the crash and the ring she could hear the empty beckon of the sea. She hadn’t walked the trail since she was a young girl and now in the moonlight she remembered taking this trail with her mother and father to visit Nicolas and in a single shocking moment she understood that her childhood was far behind her and there in the nighttime woods she had to stop moving in order to reorient herself as if a new person had entered her body.

  • • •

  Jonah’s camp was dark when she stepped into the clearing. The sky was clear and without the tree canopy she could see everything. The ocean was white and still. She shut her flashlight off and crossed the small clearing and opened the door. She paused with the door latch in her hand and turned her flashlight on and there sat Jonah only two feet from her like an apparition and her heart skipped and she nearly screamed.

  He was at the table. He didn’t have a shirt on. I got lights, he said.

  She shut the flashlight off and stayed motionless. It was quiet inside and she heard his breaths and she heard the ocean.

  After a minute he said, What do you want?

  I thought you had lights?

  I got a candle, he said but made no move to light one.

  Jonah, she said and as she said his name she thought maybe she’d lost her closest friend.

  Jonah flicked his lighter and held the flame to a candle in front of himself. Charlotte watched the flame slide along his thumb and the skin darkened but he didn’t move until the wick caught.

  Sit down if you want, he said. I don’t care.

  I’ll go, she said. She waited and took a few breaths then stepped back but still held the door latch.

  The cold air bent the candle flame over and put it out.

  Either stay or go but shut the fucking door, Jonah said. He flicked the lighter again and lit the candle and held his hand blocking the wind.

  Charlotte didn’t move. She felt a rush of anger. You got no reason to be an asshole to me.

  Jonah glanced at her in the candlelight then back to the candle.

  She heard his breathing.

  Fine, she said and stepped outside and shut the door.

  He dumped a few cigarettes out of a pack onto the table and took one and put it in his lips and leaned forward and lit the cigarette with the candle flame. He shielded the flame with his palm. His hands shook. He leaned back and blew smoke out of the sides of his mouth.

  He let his hand fall to the table and he stared at the candle’s reflection in the window and within that reflection he saw his own face and naked shoulders shuddering in the light. He couldn’t see Charlotte standing beyond the window and wasn’t sure if she was there or not. He looked around the room and felt a strange surge of energy like he was surfac
ing from a long time underwater.

  He let the candle go out. He saw Charlotte on the far side of the glass.

  • • •

  Charlotte stood alone amid the darkness. She held her hands in her pockets. She watched the calm moonlit waters push across the patch of cobblestone below. As the water receded the stones tumbled together and created a hollow knocking that filled the air. She wondered what her life was going to be from this point on. It was as if she were staring out to sea with the intention of walking across it and was only now judging the possibility of such a feat. There’d been a time when she’d envisioned a life with Jonah and children but that vision had evaporated and all that remained was the air and the space that the vision once filled.

  She reminded herself that air and space was what she wanted. She heard the door open and Jonah stood in the doorway. He spoke to her and his voice was tired but carried over the sea. My old man used to say that everyone in this world wants to be treated like whoremeat at least once and I’d say you done treated yourself to a shark’s portion.

  Why are you telling me that? Her voice was proud and defensive and hollow.

  Julius used you like a whore or you used him like a whore.

  You followed me? she said and the words had slipped out and her voice had no strength and she remembered her fear and she remembered Julius’s hands like vices.

  Jonah looked at her. He saw her on the bed with Julius behind her and her clothes piled on the dirty stained carpet and dirty towels sprawled on the dirty bathroom floor. He still heard her grunts as if they’d burrowed like mites into his head. A single breast swung. He closed his eyes and tried to separate the girl he knew from the girl he’d seen but he didn’t know if separating them was possible or even right.

  He heard her quick breaths.

  Her eyes were wet but she didn’t cry.

  Neither spoke for several minutes and both hoped the ocean would somehow through size or power or age remove their two brief histories.