Mind Over Matter

by Kaia Bennett

  “Nicole! Nicole, don't rest okay? Don't fall asleep. I got Q to call an ambulance and they should be on their way soon. You sound like you have a concussion or something. Fuck! I'm on my way, I'm on my way! Keep talking to me, sweetheart. Talk to me!"

  She laughed a little and then winced as her head played all the notes of pain. "What do you want me to talk about?" She felt sleepier by the second. She tried to sit up, and her head swam again. She needed to get to the bathroom to clean herself up. She needed to keep talking. But she was so tired. She just needed a moment.

  "Talk to me, sweetheart..."

  She tried, but the words wouldn't come. Against her will, her body grew heavy and then limp. Inky blackness crept into the corners of her eyes, coating her sight.

  Then Gabriel's voice faded away.

  ***

  He'd never run so fast in his life to catch a cab. His legs, his lungs, everything felt stretched to its limit as he rushed to get to her. He rammed into people on the street, dodged dog walkers and little kids and braved traffic lights. It was the longest cab ride of his life, and he must have thrown a couple hundred at the driver in his urgency to get out.

  Nothing else mattered, not after he called her name and she didn't answer back. Not after he called her again and again and she didn’t pick up again.

  When he finally made it to her apartment, rushing up the stairs three at a time, he was beyond terrified. He reached her door, knocked in vain, and twisted the locked handle. He screamed her name, startling her neighbors as some of them came out to see what was the matter. That's when he went crazy, shoving his shoulder against it and then kicking the door over and over again. It finally gave way, flying open with a crash. It took him a moment to orient herself to her new apartment. He lurched to the right, ran down the hall, all the way to the end, and into a doorway.

  She was lying on the floor with a small puddle of her blood forming near her arm. The sight sent a fresh flood of adrenaline through his system.

  “Nicole!”

  Dropping to his knees, he tried to wake her. “Nic, please! Stay with me!” His shaking hands skimmed over her still body. He was afraid to move her around, but he cradled her face, stroked her cheeks. It could have been a minute or an eternity, but then noise erupted behind him and he was shuffled out of the way so the paramedics could come in and take over.

  Gabriel stood off to the side, trying to convince himself she’d be okay. Thank god he’d been on the phone with her. If he hadn’t, who knew how long she could have been lying like that until her boyfriend got home. Who knew what could've happened...

  Several hours, an MRI, a couple of other tests, a wrapped wrist, and a few stitches later, Nicole was waiting to be released from the hospital, embarrassed to no end by the near-fatal turn her clumsiness had taken, and by the gathering of friends and family.

  "I'm okay, I swear. It's just a slight concussion," she said for the thousandth time when Jackie joined the throng of visitors in her room. "Nothing a couple of stitches and some severe embarrassment can't cure."

  Everyone laughed. Everyone except Jackie, Travis, and Gabriel.

  Perhaps he was overreacting. She was okay. She'd had enough presence of mind to crawl to the phone. She probably would have called for help if he hadn't been there. It wasn't like she was some fragile little thing, not really. Still, it unnerved him, and now he was loath to leave her side, even though the doctor said she’d be fine.

  Thankfully, he’d gotten to ride to the hospital with her, made sure her paperwork was filled out and everyone was called. Even Travis.

  Even that piece of shit. Because that's officially what Travis was to him now.

  Barely a sideways glance and a “thank you” before he pushed himself in front of Gabriel to “take care” of Nicole. It shouldn't have bothered him. It was what Travis was supposed to do as her boyfriend. But Gabriel knew that fucker didn't like him from the word go. He could have saved Nicole’s life ten times over and it wouldn't change his opinion. Travis didn't want him around his girl.

  His girl.

  God, that stung, like a lone hornet running loose inside his chest, hitting the same spot over and over again where he couldn't reach in to fish it out. He couldn't stop the ache because it was too deep inside, too much a part of him to release.

  He wondered if Travis knew just how often he and Nicole were hanging out now. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe just the fact that he was on the phone with her when the accident happened was too close for comfort for Travis.

  Didn't matter. Gabe wasn't leaving her side. Not yet, anyway. No matter how many looks Travis gave him. He did his best to ignore them until finally, while taking a break to go get coffee, Travis confronted him.

  "I want to thank you for helping Nicole."

  Not quite cornered, but still on the defensive, Gabriel brought himself up to his full height and stared into Travis' focused blue gaze while he leaned against the coffee machine. "No problem. I was just doing what anyone would have done," he said, taking a sip of his coffee.

  There was silence between them for a few moments, until Travis spoke." Actually, that's not really true is it? You've gone above and beyond when it comes to Nicole tonight. And it's really appreciated. But I think she's going to be fine now and you can go home. Get some rest, or something."

  Gabriel paused in sipping his drink.

  So that's where this was going to go. Strange how he never thought this would be him. The guy on the outside, the third wheel. Despite every fact to the contrary, in his heart he knew his place was beside Nicole. He could no more leave than her sister could, or Trish, or anyone else that gave a damn about her and came to visit her while she got patched up and prepared to be sent home. But none of them were a threat in Travis' eyes. None of them had a history so deep you could catch glimpses of it in every touch and glance, every smile. None of them were mourning the loss of a certain place in her life, even as they tried to get used to a new one.

  "I will," Gabriel said finally, "when she's released and the rest of the people that came to visit her leave, too."

  "Are you trying not to understand me, or what?"

  Gabriel felt his jaw clench, he felt his fingers flex around the cup, threatening to squeeze molten liquid all over his hand. "I know exactly what you're saying. Doesn't change anything. I'm not leaving until I make sure Nic is okay—"

  "That's my job and I got it covered. I'm her boyfriend now, in case you hadn't picked up on that." As if he could fucking forget. "So thanks for making sure she got here safe, but I'm gonna take over now." He turned, indicating the conversation was now over.

  But he didn't know Gabriel very well. His long stride cut Travis off and made him tense as he came to stand before him. "If I were anybody else, we wouldn't be doing this dance. You would have thanked me. You would have been content to know someone who cares about her was around when she needed him. Maybe you should focus on that instead of being a jealous dick. Nic's not too partial to that kind of guy. Thought you might appreciate the tip since you're acting like the type that doesn't want to hold onto his girlfriend."

  "Do I look like I need your advice? I have her, you don’t."

  That made Gabriel pause and suck in a breath. He tilted his head back, as if he'd taken that comment on the chin. And in so many ways he had. He could still remember that day in the movie theater, when he told Nicole he had no reason to be jealous of Travis. Because he had her.

  Fucking ironic. Like fate was dancing around teasing him.

  What now, motherfucka?! It seemed to say.

  Yeah. What now?

  "Isn't that the point?" he asked quietly. Going for sincerity when what he really wanted to go for was Travis’ throat. "You have her now. She chose you. So maybe you should get over yourself and remember she wants to be friends with me. And only friends. I'm not twisting her arm. And I'm not coming between you two. Nothing is going on."

  Travis seemed to give that some real thought. He stared straight into Gabriel
's eyes, assessing, weighing, and measuring. Deconstructing him and his intentions with Nicole. It was almost as if Travis wanted to believe him. Gabriel could see this otherwise rational and chill guy entertain a future where he was no longer a threat. But then Travis blinked and a wall came down. He wasn’t going to be rational about this. Perhaps for good reason.

  "I don't think in the hypothetical, man, not when it comes to this," Travis said finally. "You aren't anybody else to her. You're the guy who broke her heart, the one that I had to help her get over. And even though she can somehow manage to look past that and trust you, I'm not so forgiving. So, just do yourself a favor and back off. Bow out gracefully."

  Gabriel felt fury and panic mingle together. Nicole wanted him around, but what would happen if Travis said he didn't approve?

  Could he lose her a second time, this time for real? Could he even bear the thought of not having her in his life anymore?

  He knew the answer to that question. He knew he couldn't. He couldn't give her up. It was selfish, and maybe it was wrong. But it was truth painted plain as the lines etched on his palms. As sure as his name was Gabriel Roberts, he was unable to let go of being near Nicole, even if he was just part of the supporting cast in her life. That hurt so badly to admit. He wanted so much more than this battle for scraps. He was so angry, felt so weak, he almost wanted to cry. Yet, he knew he wasn't weak. Maybe a little broken, maybe a little scared. But there was still fight in him, and Travis saw it when Gabriel took a step forward, lowered his voice, and spoke plain.

  "Listen, I'm only going to say this once. And I'm going to say it nicely because I want you to understand I don't have any hard feelings. Yes, I used to date Nicole. And yes, I loved her very much. I still do, the way you love someone you used to be really close to in every way," he said, emphasizing the word “every” so his meaning wasn't lost on Travis. "But there’s nothing going on between us now other than friendship. If I wanted more than that, trust me I could put in a lot more effort than just taking her to the hospital, or giving her the occasional hug. I could be a complete dick, pull out all the stops, and see if I could take her from you. With everything I know about her, it wouldn't be as hard as you'd think."

  Travis stiffened, looking like he was going to grab the nearest blunt object and beat him to death with it. Which is why he said the next part quickly and with as much hard-boiled sincerity as he could muster.

  "That being said, I don't want to do that, and Nicole would put a stop to it because she cares about you. So, maybe you should have a little more faith in her. And just for the sake of a truce between us maybe – just maybe – you might not wanna come at me like this again. Kinda rubs me the wrong way and I would prefer to be a nice guy. I'd prefer that we got along."

  Travis looked satisfyingly upset at the prospect of rubbing Gabriel the wrong way. For all Gabriel's nice guy, cool guy vibe, there was something under the surface — especially when it came to Nicole — that clearly labeled him as someone not to fuck with. Gabriel in this respect was confident, and Travis was astute enough to assess who would win a fight between them. They both knew it wouldn't be Travis. But in the event of a fight, Nicole's loyalties would lie with her boyfriend. So for the moment there was a strange truce.

  "I don't see that happening,” Travis said flatly. “I don't think I can get along with someone who’d steal my girlfriend the second my back is turned. Or, are you going to stand there and pretend you don't still want her back?"

  Before he could answer, Travis turned and strode back to Nicole's room. And Gabriel was left with the echoing answer to that question, the hopeless truth about whether he would try and take her back if Nicole gave him even the slightest hint that she wanted him to. A truth that made Travis the winner of this battle.

  In a heartbeat.

  Chapter Seven

  Nicole giggled. "How many times do I have to tell you? I'm fine!"

  Travis leaned in again, kissing Nicole's cheek and stroking hair from her face. He sat on the edge of the bed beside her, tempting them both with the idea of staying with her for the day instead of rushing off to work.

  "You sure?" he asked sweetly, a full smile with only a slight hint of naughtiness curving his soft lips. "I can take off again if you want. Cook for you, feed you grapes..."

  Nicole sighed around a laugh when Travis' mouth grazed the sensitive skin of her neck. It was a tempting offer, no question about that. It was nearly a week after the accident and already she felt like she was back to her old self. It didn't hurt that her boyfriend had been there to help her, making her equal parts guilty that he felt the need to dote on her, and grateful that he was there and seemed to have relaxed some since the rush to the hospital.

  He was definitely tense and rattled at first, and she'd been scared it had been because of something he wasn't saying. Had he seen what was inside the box? Had he had some sort of weird talk with Gabriel? It would have explained the similar tension Gabriel had displayed before he kissed her cheek and said goodbye that night. But, to her profound relief, Travis hadn't mentioned anything about the box. So, she'd gotten lucky again. Lucky she had Travis.

  Lucky Gabriel was there, too...

  Nicole pushed Travis away and gave him a sweet kiss on his lips, nearly chaste, if not for the slight rumble in Travis' throat, the snake of his tongue against her upper lip.

  "You have to go to work. I'm just a poor writer with limited income and you've already done so much for me."

  "I could do more," he whispered, but he pulled away, the siren call of hourly income summoning him to the office.

  "When you get home from work, you can do as much as you want," she whispered back. "But you have to go before you're late, and I should try and work today, too." She eyed her laptop with exasperated longing. She had some serious catching up to do with her latest project.

  Travis sighed, but gave her a good-natured grin. "I'll take you up on that. And if you need anything, anything at all, call me. Okay?"

  Nicole bit her lip and nodded. The softness in his eyes had taken on a slight edge, an edge reminiscent of the one he'd had when in close proximity to Gabriel that night. Call him. Not Gabriel. That's what that look and those words meant, even if he was too nice to say them.

  He started to rise, but she grabbed him by the tie, pulled him to her. Her fingers did a slow crawl up the fabric, and her lips danced over his. "Mmm," he groaned, the sound pained and hungry. "You're not making this easy, baby..."

  When he pulled away, she found herself staring into the comforting blaze of his blue eyes. Her fingers stroked up his neck, the strong angle of his jaw. "I love you," she said softly. Suddenly.

  No warning. Just the slightest hesitation as the words escaped her mouth. Wonder and the weight of the phrase slackened her jaw. It felt like forever since she'd spoken those words to a man.

  "What?" he mouthed, the sound little more than a sigh, a whispered exclamation.

  The sound was like an echo from the past, calling her back to the way it felt when Gabriel said those words, and to her awestruck reaction.

  What did you just say...?

  She swallowed, shrugged slightly and shook her head. When he smiled, she felt so overwhelmed that her eyes began to tear. "I... I'm sorry you had to wait so long for me to say it back, T."

  His smile broadened. His eyes searched hers. "It's okay. It was worth the wait. Just say it again..."

  This time when she said the words they were in between full kisses, sighs for breath. "I love you."

  There. Already it was becoming easier to speak the truth. Already it was becoming easier not to be afraid.

  ***

  "...anyway, just wanted to check in. Hope you're feeling better, and I'll talk to you later," Gabriel said. He bit his tongue before he let the word "sweetheart" escape his lips and then hung up the phone.

  He leaned his head back against the wall, feeling his stomach churn. Whether that queasiness was because it had been a day since he heard from her, or if he
was bothered by how acutely he was suffering from not hearing from her, he couldn't say. It was a morbid sense of dread, a silent countdown that had started the moment Travis confronted him. It made him start wondering if one day he would call and it would be the last time he’d be able to talk to her. It seemed to catapult his desire for her to nearly obsessive proportions... if he hadn't already been there before.

  He couldn't get his mind off her and it terrified him. He went to bed thinking about her lying in a puddle of her own blood, fear of time and mortality choking down the impulse to sleep. He'd wander around his apartment — soon to be old apartment — and run his fingers over his packed things, music blaring in his ears to drown out the sound of his own relentless thoughts. He'd find himself playing the restless artist game as he attempted to wear himself out with productivity. Pick up the guitar, strum quietly, set it down, try and write lyrics, set the pen down, pace and growl to himself that all he wanted was just a little rest. Just a couple of hours where he didn't feel his mistakes so potently. Why couldn't he have that? Why couldn't he have a little bit of mercy, when he was trying so very hard to be good and move on?

  When would this ache fade away?

  Gabriel instinctively turned towards Jonny, whose voice had penetrated his mental fog. He’d been tuning everything out again.

  “What was that?”

  "I said how come you don't invite her to come out with us?" Jonny asked when Gabe had peeled himself off the wall and come back into the studio. Jonny didn't even look up from the notations he was making before he went back to tapping his fingers against the piano keys. He shook his blond hair out of his eyes and then played the haunting melody he'd been working on, effortlessly making chills run over Gabriel's skin.

  Seeing Jonny hard at work was always a slightly comical sight. Usually he was a bundle of energy you could hardly classify as serious. But when he sat in front of the instrument he'd been playing since he was eight, coaxing out the melodies and lyrics that swirled through his head, it was a revelation. Gabriel's fingers itched to lace his own musical contribution over Jonny's, subtle flashes of Nicole's smile and eyes already making him think of lyrics.