Mind Over Matter

by Kaia Bennett

  He looked up, noticing that he was staring down at the tent of fabric covering his naked body, instead of the woman he was trying to convince to stay with him. "I hoped that one day we'd get back together, and that when we did I'd be the guy you were waking up next to every morning. I was starting to lose hope we ever would. But now... You could do that now." He swallowed, his courage losing momentum as her eyes became confused and guilty. Panicked. "You could call this home, Nicole."

  Her exhalation sounded like an omen, a gust of torrential wind so loud in his spacious apartment.

  This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

  Where was her smile? Where was the relief, the wash of joyful tears coating her dark eyes? Where was the girl who would have squealed, "Really?!" before diving into his arms and kissing him into oblivion?

  "Gabe... I don't know what to say."

  He gave her his most charming, lopsided grin. "Say you'll come back to bed. Say you'll wake up with me in a few hours and let me make you breakfast."

  There was yearning in her gaze and a subtle clenching of her thighs. She swallowed and then finally tore her eyes away from him.

  He could feel himself shaking, heat flushing his skin. Embarrassment. Anger. The betrayal he sensed in her halting whisper. "What's wrong with making a home with me?" he asked softly.

  "Nothing—"

  "We love each other. Shit, we should have done this ages ago. I should have been the one you took that leap with in the first place, Nic."

  He sounded desperate to his own ears. She was biting her lip so hard he feared she'd shred the skin.

  "I—I wanted that, too. But it's not that simple, Gabriel. You know it's not.”

  "Why not? Why can't it be—"

  "You know why..."

  He looked away from her, shaking his head as his breath grew shallow.

  "I don't know what to say. I don't know how to fix this," she went on. He closed his eyes when her voice cracked. "He's home right now and I know he's worried." His accusing gaze snapped up to take in her face, but she was unable to look him in the eye. “I came here to end this and I just ended up... shit!" She flopped down into the chair in front of his desk, hunched in on herself and whispering loud enough for him to hear. "What the fuck am I doing?!"

  She ran her hands through her hair as if she wanted to pull it up from the roots, and this time her eyes did well up.

  "You regret it," he managed through gritted teeth. Waves of heat were flushing his face. He might start sweating any second. He might burst into flames.

  "No," she whispered. She shook her head over and over. She looked as dazed as he felt. "I know I should. I should hate myself. I just didn't mean for this to happen and now... I just..."

  Gabriel didn't say anything as he threw back the covers and swung his feet over the side of the bed. His back was facing her, because he couldn't bring himself to look at her anymore. After how long it had taken him to get back to this place, it was a tragic irony that he couldn't stand to look at her. When he closed his eyes he could see vividly what had transpired mere hours before. He could still feel himself sliding in and out of her body, kissing her until his lips were sore. And she was saying in the only way she could that she wished it hadn't happened. After all this, Travis was still looming over them, waiting to tear them apart.

  That wasn't fair, of course. It wasn't Travis who had torn them apart. Travis had just been there to pick up the pieces when he walked away. This was his own fault. And he didn't deserve to be mad, not when he'd promised Nicole he would never let her feel the way she was feeling right now.

  But then... she wouldn't feel that way, if she was planning to stay the way he thought she would.

  "I—I just need a little time to think about what to do. What to say... I just need some time..."

  He stood up. His chest ached. He knew she was staring at him. He could almost feel her eyes trailing his body, but this time he wouldn't give into that need. He grabbed his jeans off the floor and slid them on, cutting off the head of temptation before he turned around to face her.

  "I guess there's nothing left to talk about then," he said quietly. It was quite convincing, the stony gaze and the dead voice. Only the slightest tremor was giving away the typhoon of emotions swirling through him.

  He walked past her, out of the bedroom. He heard the scrape of the chair on the floor and her footsteps as she followed him.

  "Please don't be mad, Gabe. I didn't do this to hurt you..."

  He shoved shaking fingers through his hair, that same hand trailing down his weary face. "I know. I didn't want to hurt you either, Nic. I never, ever did..."

  He turned to face her and wished he hadn't. She looked lost and small, with her arms wrapped around her, hair disheveled and her face streaked with tears. God, he wanted to go to her. He wanted to pull her to him and wipe her tears away. He wanted to force this to be right again. It used to be so easy, so good between them. Why did that feel like a lifetime ago, where everything could be fixed with a kiss?

  When did this become unfixable?

  The truth was plain to see. There was no going back. There was only forward.

  "I'm gonna do what I should have done a long time ago," he said finally. "I'm going to be the grownup here."

  She took a wobbly step forward and he took another back, shaking his head.

  "You were right. Friends, or more than friends, it doesn't matter. It's not going to work."

  He heard himself say the words. He felt sick. This wasn't a dream. He was wide awake and turning his back on the woman who would make him complete. He was doing it because he was tired of being the person who hurt her, who made her take steps backwards.

  "Go home, Nicole. And take care."

  "Gabriel... I'm sorry. Just give me a little time, okay. I just need to think of what to say to—"

  "You already know what to say. But you don't want to say it, and I'm done waiting.” His hands shook as he opened the fridge to get a bottle of water. "We made a mistake today, but it doesn't have to ruin things for you. So do what you really want to and go home to your boyfriend."

  He popped the cap, took a swig, and finally turned when the silence behind him became too much to bear. She was standing there, and she had the nerve to seethe, to stare at him like he was the one who’d done something wrong.

  "What would you do if you were in my shoes, Gabriel? Would it be so easy for you to call up your girlfriend and tell her you cheated on her with your ex? That you did the very thing she was afraid you would do?"

  His eyes flickered downward as he thought about this. Of course it wouldn't be easy for him. Of course he hadn't thought this through like he should have, and once again it was going to cost both of them.

  At least he could make sure she didn't do any more damage on his account.

  "You should go," he whispered. "You came to end this. So end it."

  "Gabe—"

  "Don't!" he shouted, hating himself when she jumped at the boom of his voice. "Don't try to explain, don't apologize anymore. I don't need to hear it, there's no apology necessary."

  Nicole was shaking her head, and crying openly now. He literally had to look away.

  "Just get your things and leave, Nicole."

  "I just need some time," she whispered around a sob. "I didn't know this would happen."

  "Because you came here to tell me you wanted me out of your life. And it's obvious that even after everything we said and did, you still aren't sure you want me. So I'll make up your mind for you. Go. Now."

  She started to come forward, fast and determined, and he backed away, turning his head so he wouldn't be able to see her body, her beautiful face. As if it fucking mattered. She was what he saw when he closed his eyes. She was in his blood. Telling her to go was like slitting open a vein, but he was doing it. He was bleeding himself dry in the hope that the pain would finally stop. He was done hurting himself and her. He just wanted it to end.

  "I said go," he muttered through gritt
ed teeth. He couldn't breathe. She was close enough that he could smell lilacs now.

  He heard her sob. He felt her head resting on his back. And just like that he was crying again. He hated that most of all. He was supposed to be a man. He was supposed to clench his teeth and take the battle wound that would be her absence. She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind. She fit him so well. He felt every soft contour, felt her lips against his shoulder blade, whether she meant them to be there or not. It made him weak.

  He was so tired of being weak. Beyond tired.

  He gently grabbed her arms, unraveled their hold on him and walked away from her back towards his bedroom. He didn’t look back. He would never cry in front of her again.

  After today that would be easy enough to do. He would never see her alone again. He would make damn sure of it.

  What was left of his heart shattered at that realization. She wouldn’t stay with him. It was over. The end.

  He picked up speed as he stormed toward his bedroom. He heard her behind him, vaguely heard her voice calling his name. It was too late. He reached for the door, slammed it without looking behind him and locked it. She knocked on the other side of it. She called out to him again. And all he could do was lean his back against it, wiping away the tears that fell without permission until she finally gave up and left.

  When she mercifully departed, he slid down the door until he was sitting and didn't move until it was pitch black and the horrible truth finally set it in.

  He wasn't going to get the happy ending after all.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Nicole stayed away from home as long as she could. Six calls. Six messages. They, like Travis' wrath, had been waiting for her when she finally limped guiltily out of Gabriel's apartment and out of his life. She didn't know how to handle it. She was breaking into a sweat, just standing at the bottom of her stairwell. The smell of sex, of Gabriel, was still lingering on her skin, between her legs. Her face was stained with tears and her eyes were puffy.

  The moment she walked into the apartment everything was going to tumble down. More than a year’s worth of struggling to be strong would leave her in the center of a whirlwind, alone and weaker than ever.

  And in the midst of it all, a quiet voice was asking her if that wasn't what she wanted. If, at the end of it all, she just didn't want to sink into nothingness and be left alone with that feeling. She couldn't be trusted not to hurt herself or the ones she cared about. She’d barely been able to get out of the fucking car and face what she'd done.

  Her head thumped against the wall. Then again. And again. On the third hard knock of her skull against it her head rang and she shut her eyes to savor the feeling. Maybe she was going crazy. She knocked her head against the wall again, just to make sure, and winced. It stung. The headache she had from crying and stress and a day without food was taking its toll, and not even her desperate self-hatred could mask the pain.

  She wasn't crazy. She was perfectly sane and she didn't want to do this. She didn't want to drag herself up to her floor one shaking foot at a time. She didn't want to tell Travis that today she’d lost her mind in a moment of weakness. She had gone crazy... for Gabriel, just as she always had.

  As if it were some hazy dream she'd just woken up from, a dream that felt more real than this dark walk of shame towards her door, she recalled her day spent with him. The hours of holding him, touching him, and whispering her need for him. She saw the light of the setting sun streaking through his windows to catch in his dark glossy hair. She saw his eyes glazed over with lust and painful hope when she looked down at him. She held his gaze for as long as she could, until she was too close and it was too much. Her eyes had closed, a reddish orange glare catching under her eyelids as she rode him to explosion.

  She still felt it all as if it were happening and only then did she realize her eyes were closed and her mind was wandering over Gabriel's features, his smile. The smell of him and the taste of his skin caught between her teeth. Perhaps this moment was the dream. Perhaps she would wake up and find she hadn't ruined everything with those simple words...

  I love you...

  Perhaps she was still sealing their love with a kiss...

  Don't stop...

  With a sigh and an everlasting fall...

  She was at her door before she knew it, preparing to land from her fall at Travis' feet with a vicious thud. Another cold sweat covered her, and a clammy hand grasped her key in a death grip. She slid it into the hole, started to turn it.

  Travis beat her to it by opening the door instead.

  She stood in a panic, staring into crystal blue eyes that had frozen over. Still, it was just a thin layer of ice, melting under the sight of her safely at their doorstep. Silence was so tangible it was almost visible to the naked eye, wrapping its tentacles around them and trapping them where they stood.

  She had to tell him. There was no way around it. His eyes already registered the shift in their safe little universe. Her puffy eyes, the general sense of emotional and physical disarray, like she'd thrown her clothes on quickly rather than pulling them on neatly as she'd done before she left him this morning. He stepped aside to let her in, noting her hesitation to cross the threshold. His eyes devoured her, his mind calculating everything. She closed her eyes as she passed him, swallowed hard, and prayed for strength.

  He'd been sitting in the dim light of a lamp in the living room, and the TV was on. A Law and Order rerun; a fitting harbinger for the interrogation to come. His phone was on the couch beside the indent where he'd been sitting. A drained glass of milk was on the coffee table, the light catching on the gauzy white film coating the glass. White, like the old worn t-shirt he was wearing with his jeans. He bent over slightly and his fingers curled around the remote, clicking off the TV before setting it back down and taking a seat. Her mind memorized all of the random details of every passing moment in an attempt to settle her nerves, to look away from his eyes when they settled on hers as he sat down. He rested his elbows on his knees, his arms dangling limply between his legs.

  He waited. He didn't speak, and his eyes never wavered. That was her cue to explain herself where she stood in the middle of the room. She felt small, fragile. Any moment she might blow away or crack like crystal and shatter to the floor in a thousand pieces.

  "Travis..."

  It was all she had to say. The crack in her voice, the way she looked, how long she’d been gone… The guilt wafted off her. She bit down on her lip when his eyes closed and his head tilted ever so lightly to the side.

  "Please..." he whispered through gritted teeth. "Please, tell me you didn't."

  Her lip quivered.

  "Tell me you weren't with him." He opened his eyes.

  Silence. Her eyes were filled with the sight of floor under her feet.

  "Nicole," he said desperately. "Nikki?"

  Her eyes slammed shut and the tears hovering on the edge of her lid fell, screaming the truth. She heard him stand and his footsteps were quick. She took a step backwards. He was approaching.

  "Go ahead," he said. She'd never seen this look before. She'd only seen the tip of the iceberg when it came to his fear. His perfectly rational fear.

  "Go ahead and tell me you ended your friendship with him. Tell me you were out all day because you were window shopping, or eating, or hanging with your friends," he urged calmly, his voice wavering only slightly. "Tell me I know my girlfriend, and that she didn't answer her phone because she just lost track of time."

  She pleaded with her eyes for him to just say it for her. But he wouldn't let her off that easy. He wouldn't stop advancing and she wouldn't stop backing up. Not until the door connected with her back.

  He was literally shaking in front her, vibrating more with every second that passed and she didn't confirm his most fervent hopes. His voice was so low she wished he would just scream and rail, call her any name under the sun. Anything if he would just stop asking her to lie to him, to undo what was forever done
.

  "Tell me you weren't with him."

  For the second time in her life she was scared of what her boyfriend was about to do to her. "I—"

  He tilted his head forward, intent on hearing her answer, and the quick movement scared her. She bumped her head against the door, shaking, with her nails clawing into the paint.

  "I c-can't. I can't tell you that..."

  He was breathing through his mouth, blinking rapidly as if he'd been slapped and the sting was making his eyes water. He swallowed hard and his head shook, black locks shining dimly under the streetlights glowing outside the window, a film of shock coating his blue eyes. His limbs seemed to grow weaker by the second. His mouth was moving, short incoherent words that picked up speed, like a speeding train hurling down a dark tunnel towards her. They were illuminated as he chanted louder, dipped closer to her in his weakened, disbelieving state.

  "...you didn't... tell me you didn't, tell me you didn't..."

  She was outright crying now. Because he was, too. For the first time in her life she was seeing Travis cry, and it was over what she'd done, over the shock of being so horribly right about her love for Gabriel. He leaned his hand against the door beside her head, and his forehead rested gently against hers.

  "...you didn't... tell me you didn't do this," he whispered with increasing fervor, shaking his forehead against hers rapidly until it almost hurt and his tears fell to mingle with her own against her cheeks. She reached up to touch his shoulder. She started to say her mantra, the inadequate meshing of syllables that was the word 'sorry'.

  That's when he lifted his head, roared in anguish and slammed his hand against the door beside her over and over again, until her ears were wringing with the violent cracks against the wood and her own screams.

  "Tell me you didn't fucking ruin everything!! For him!!!"