Eye Candy

by Tijan

  “Oh, stop it. I’m just kidding.” She elbows my side, her laughter dying out. “You look seriously stressed out, Luke.”

  “Wouldn’t you?” I look down at her, glaring. “And don’t act like you’d really want a dick. You would hate not having my mouth between your legs every fuckin’ second of the day.”

  Her eyebrow lifts.

  Mine furrows. “Not fuckin’ happening. Ever.”

  Jesus Christ. She thinks I’d blow her.

  Tessa giggles and leans her head on my arm. “Okay, okay. I wouldn’t really want a dick. You’re right.”

  “Usually am.”

  Her teeth sink into my bicep.

  I reach around and slap her ass, hard, making her yelp before I wrap my arm around her shoulders and tug her close, preventing her from biting me again.

  She sighs into my neck as the cool October air swirls around us.

  “This is going to be so fun, right?” she asks, sounding happy, her hands sliding around my waist and linking by my hip.

  I kiss the top of her head and pull her closer.

  I can bitch to myself all I fucking want about being too old for this or feeling out of place here, but the truth is, there was nothing stopping me from making this happen for Tessa tonight.

  I know how stressed she’s been. I know the constant worrying and wondering she’s been doing.

  She tries to hide it from me, but I know my wife.

  She’s inside her head, freaking out all alone in there.

  Starting a family is supposed to be exciting. Fun. The amount of fucking we’ve been doing alone should keep this next step in our lives enjoyable. And yeah, the sex we’re having is un-fucking-real. Always is. But it’s been five months since Tessa and I decided we were doing this, and even though no one’s saying it out loud, I know we’re both thinking the same thing.

  What the fuck?

  I figured we wouldn’t have any issues with this. Why would we? We’re still in our twenties. It’s not like we waited until our forties to get this going. Not that I was expecting it to happen right away, overnight or anything crazy like that, but I sure as hell wasn’t expecting it to take more than a couple months.

  Even so, I’m not worried. I know it’ll happen. And if I’m wrong and it doesn’t, I’m still not worried.

  But Tessa?

  It’s been the only thing on her mind.

  So when she came up with the idea of hitting the haunted woods before we go to the party tonight, looking excited about it, with that smile on her face that I haven’t seen enough in these past few months, I didn’t hesitate.

  Yes.

  Anything.

  Everything.

  Whatever she wants.

  That doesn’t mean I won’t suggest something else while we’re here, though.

  I really fucking hate shit like this.

  Turning my head, I watch the group standing in the line next to us move forward when the tractor returns. “You sure you don’t just wanna do the hayride? There’s an actual point to that. We can finally get pumpkins.”

  And it doesn’t take as long.

  “The hayride isn’t scary,” she says, nuzzling closer. “I want to be scared, and I want you to protect me.”

  “Protect you? The people running this are gonna be the ones needing protection. You can hold your own, babe. In any situation. I just witnessed it.”

  Tessa looks up at me, smiling wide. “Yeah, you’re right. They better be ready too. I’ve already made one person cry tonight.”

  I chuckle as we move forward together when the next group goes ahead, and then we’re at the front of the line, and the kid dressed as the Grim Reaper gives us the same warning about staying on the path.

  Tessa leans away, sliding my arm off her shoulders, and grips my forearm, her fingers digging in when the thunder claps through the speakers above us. She covers her mouth, giggling, and I can’t help it. I smile then too because fuck, she was right. This will be fun. Look at her. How could I not have a good time when she’s this excited about something?

  The kid extends his scythe, giving us the go-ahead, and Tessa grabs my hand and tugs me forward.

  “Woo! God, I haven’t been through one of these things in years,” she says, breathing faster as the branches overhead darken the path. “Bring your worst, punks!”

  I shake my head as her voice carries through the woods around us.

  Eerie music begins to play as fog rolls out like a blanket from behind a tree stump. It covers our feet. We move slowly, leaves and twigs crunching and cracking beneath us. It takes a minute for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.

  Aside from the lit torches stuck in the earth every ten feet or so, there isn’t much light, and Tessa’s grip on my hand grows tighter and tighter the further we walk.

  “Oh my God, look at that.” She points at what’s supposed to look like bodies wrapped in blood-stained sheets. There’s a group of them stacked together on the ground near an overturned wagon.

  I think I hear something—a moan or a word I can’t make out. When we get closer, the body on the bottom of the pile begins to jerk and scream for help.

  “Jesus,” I grunt.

  Tessa gasps and squeezes my hand.

  “Isn’t this supposed to be for kids?” I ask, brow furrowed as I watch the guy’s legs smack against the dirt. “Nolan would freak out seeing this.”

  “Yeah, seriously. There were a lot of kids in that line.” Looking over at me with wide eyes, she shrugs. “Maybe this is the scariest thing we see?”

  A chainsaw starts in the distance, startling Tessa. She stops on the path as several women scream, and squeezes my hand to the point of pain when a young boy runs toward us with his mother close behind.

  “What the fuck?” I squint through the fog.

  When the boy gets closer, I can see how frightened he looks—like Chase when he has those night terrors.

  Eyes wide with panic, mouth open and ready to scream, a steady stream of tears spilling down his face.

  Jesus. This could scar him for life.

  “Sweetheart, it’s okay! It’s not real!” the mother yells as the two of them run past us. “They aren’t really burning people alive! I promise!”

  Tessa and I share a look.

  “Um, why don’t we walk a little faster,” she suggests, tugging on my hand. “Come on.”

  The path bends around a tree, and we move quicker now, Tessa not even bothering to look at the haunted displays around us. She clings to me with her arms squeezing my waist and her head smashed against my ribs, keeping her eyes focused ahead.

  We pass a corpse on the ground with his intestines torn out of him. His guts are spilling out onto the dirt. When zombies emerge from behind a large rock to feed on the remains, looking real as shit—like a bunch of extras straight out of The Walking Dead—Tessa gasps and clutches my shirt with both hands.

  “Luke,” she whispers, her voice shaking as she watches them with unblinking eyes. The corpse starts to groan. His legs twitch and kick out. “Luke.”

  “Thought you wanted scary,” I remind her.

  “Yeah . . . not this scary. Do something.”

  “Do what? Arrest them?”

  She nods frantically.

  I chuckle and guide her around another bend to keep us moving.

  I know she’s scared now. And I don’t mind getting this over with so we can get out of here and get to the party at McGill’s.

  That’s more my style—hanging out with our friends in a well-lit environment. Alcohol to get my mind off this fucked-up shit.

  I’m going straight for the liquor tonight.

  We come up on a run-down house. It’s pitch black inside the windows, but there’s screaming coming from somewhere close by.

  Kids screaming. How fucked up is that?

  And it sounds real too, not some recording they’re playing to freak everybody out.

  Tessa’s body goes rigid in my arms and her feet start to drag on the dirt. I look up
to see what’s got her reacting this way and freeze, every muscle in my body locking up.

  On the porch, a man dressed like a baby rocks in a chair, drinking from a bottle filled with blood. His chin drips red.

  “Jesus Christ. Are you shittin’ me?” I glare at the guy when he lowers the bottle and grins, pushing blood between his teeth. My lip curls. “You got a problem?” I ask him, stepping closer.

  “Luke.” Tessa peels herself off my side and pulls on my hand. “Come on. He’s creeping me out.”

  We keep moving. I feel my heart pound against my ribs as I watch the freak keep smiling at me over my shoulder.

  He stands from the chair.

  I stop walking then, and for a split second I think he’s coming after us.

  My shoulders pull back. I give him a look—Do it, motherfucker. I am so fucking ready to drop this weirdo, but he sits back down, laughing his ass off, and drinks more from his bottle.

  Fuck. Maybe Tessa was right. I should just start arresting people. I bet this freak has a shitload of helpless victims locked in his basement. His outfit alone is probable cause enough for me.

  What grown-ass man would volunteer to dress up like a baby?

  “What?” Tessa asks at my back. “What is it?”

  I turn away from the guy then and put my arm around her, leading her away before she sees what I’m seeing. “Nothing. Let’s go.”

  The path narrows. We duck beneath branches and low-hanging cobwebs, following a sharp curve around a tree, and when something jumps out at us and scares Tessa so bad she nearly takes off running, I work on instinct and throw a punch, knocking the dumb prick to the ground.

  “Luke! What are you doing?” Tessa yells, moving around me to see who I’ve just hit.

  I hear groaning.

  Lots of groaning.

  The word lawsuit flashes in my mind.

  Oh, fuck. This could be bad.

  Breath holding in panic, I lower my fist and follow her eyes to the poor bastard on the ground.

  Wearing a clown mask, the guy I just leveled holds his face as he rocks side to side on the dirt.

  He’s in pain. That’s clear.

  And I caused it.

  Fuck. What the fuck am I doing? I need to relax.

  “Shit. Sorry. Didn’t mean to do that.” I reach out, offering to help him up—he’s not that big. He’s gotta be in college.

  Please be in college. If I just hit a minor . . .

  “Oh my God. Are you okay?” Tessa reaches out then too. “Jesus. Are you hurt?” she asks.

  “God. What the hell, man?” the guy moans, getting to his feet without taking either of our hands.

  I exhale a relieved breath when I hear how deep his voice is.

  Thank fuck. That could’ve been bad.

  Another reason why I don’t have any business coming to these things anymore—I’m too reactive. My ass is lucky if I get out of here tonight without anyone suing me.

  The clown straightens out his mask so it’s sitting right on his face. “You’re on a haunted woods walk,” he says, looking in my direction. “People are going to jump out at you, you know. It’s part of the experience. You get what you paid for.”

  “Yeah, my bad.” I run a hand over my buzzed hair, wincing. “You all right? You’re not bleeding or anything, are you?”

  “I’m fine,” he bites out, sounding irritated as he brushes leaves off his pants.

  Can’t say I blame him for being pissed. I went full strength with that punch.

  Don’t know any other way.

  “Jesus.” The guy pokes at the side of his mask, pushing it into his cheek. “What’s wrong with you? I bet I’ll have a black eye tomorrow. My mom’s gonna be pissed.”

  “It’s that fuckin’ baby back there, all right? It got me all freaked,” I try to explain. “What the fuck is that? Kids are coming through here. Are you seriously trying to fuck ’em up for life?”

  Tessa covers her mouth and giggles.

  I glare at her. “You were scared too. Rushing me along. It’s your fault I hit him.”

  “Oh, please.” She rolls her eyes. “You were ready to deck that giant man-baby. That had nothing to do with me, Luke, so don’t even.”

  “He was grinning at me. Like he wanted me to tuck him in or some shit and sing him a fuckin’ lullaby. You saw him.”

  Bastard probably has people buried in his backyard too. I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.

  “Oh yeah. Chester likes to do that,” the clown shares, drawing my attention. “Really freaks people out.”

  “Chester? As in Chester the molester?” I take a step closer and hook my thumb behind me in the general direction of freakville. “That fuck better not be a registered sex offender. I don’t give a damn if it’s Halloween or not. I will haul his ass out of here and shut this shit down. Where’s Weber? Is he here?”

  I’m sure that old man keeps files of everyone he hires for shit like this. Just saying I’m a cop can get me all the access I need.

  You’re going down, motherfucker.

  “Luke, relax,” Tessa chuckles, grabbing my arm. “He’s just playing a part. I’m sure he’s not some creepy perv.”

  I gape at her. “Are you? ’Cause I’m bettin’ he’s on a watch list. You saw him.”

  And with a name like that? There’s no doubt in my mind now.

  The government has all eyes on that fucker.

  “Dude, you need to chill.” The clown crosses his arms over his chest and stands tall. “That’s not his real name, bro. He just goes by that when he’s here. It’s part of the act. His real name isn’t pervy at all. It’s Dave.” He cocks his head. “Does that sound pervy to you, my man?”

  My man?

  “Dude. Bro. There’s something wrong with him,” I grunt. “I don’t give a fuck if it’s part of the act. Who the fuck smiles like that? It’s weird.”

  Giant baby freak. The second he stood up, I should’ve leveled his ass. Why the fuck did I hesitate?

  “Didn’t you see the signs? Be ready for anything.” The clown shrugs. “We mean anything, brah. Just wait. You thought the baby was bad . . .”

  Brah?

  Is this kid serious?

  I shake my head, advising, “Okay. Quit with the nicknames already. We aren’t friends. Even if we were? You sound like a fuckin’ douchebag. Just talk normal.”

  Tessa snickers.

  “Free country, guy.”

  I close my eyes and breathe deep, searching for calm. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Hitting him again will bring you nothing but trouble. Then looking to Tessa, I suggest, “Can we just go? I’ve seen enough, and two more seconds of this conversation and I’m gonna get arrested. No joke.”

  My wife, who seems to be enjoying the hell out of herself right now, and in no way looks scared anymore, tilts her head with a smile.

  The clown laughs, causing the muscles in my shoulders to tense up. “Come on, amigo, don’t be weak,” he says. “Weber’s is for kids. It’s sad if you can’t handle it.”

  I glare at the piece of shit and step closer until I’m up in his space, adrenaline coursing through me now. “You want to say that to me again?” I ask.

  Fuck this prick. Don’t be weak? I will gladly spend a night in jail if it means shutting him the fuck up. I’m not even sorry I hit him anymore.

  Before the guy has the chance to repeat himself, Tessa quickly wraps her hands around my neck and kisses my cheek. “Come on. It can’t get that much worse,” she whispers. “Let’s keep going.”

  I look at her. “You sure? You were pretty fuckin’ scared.”

  “I’m sure. You’ll protect me.”

  “You know, it’s typically the guys making their girls push through this,” the clown shares. “Funny how this is the other way around.”

  I slowly turn my head.

  The clown jerks back like he’s afraid I’m going to hit him. Then, thinking wisely for the first time in his life, I’m betting, he backs away from me, his hands raised defe
nsively as he pleads, “Cool. Stay cool, bro,” before spinning around and running off. He turns a corner, but his voice carries in the wind.

  “Be ready for anything, sport! And don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

  “Jesus Christ,” I grumble, looking to the sky. “That kid is gonna get decked a lot in his life. Nobody should use that many fuckin’ nicknames. It’s not normal.”

  “I can’t believe you punched him. You’re such a dick.” Tessa smiles up at me when I meet her eyes. “Aw.” She touches the furrow in my brow, pressing closer, and wraps her arms around my neck. “I love you so much right now, babe. It’s crazy.”

  “’Cause I punched him, or ’cause I’m hatin’ every second of this?” I ask her.

  “Both.” She smiles again when I shake my head. “Really though, I know you didn’t want to come to here. I know you. You think these things are stupid . . .”

  “You ask, babe. Whatever it is, I’m there. You know that.”

  “I know.” She tilts her head up, inviting me for a kiss I take zero seconds to fucking get in on. “Thank you for bringing me.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Now let’s hurry up and get through this because I am seriously freaked out.”

  I lean back to glare at her. “I fuckin’ knew it. You don’t want to be here either, do you?”

  She shrugs, smiling as she slips her arms off my shoulders. “It does seem a little too real, right?”

  “You think?”

  “It can’t get that much worse though. Weber would be paying for everyone’s therapy and lose the farm. It isn’t like they made us sign any waivers when we bought our tickets. They’re liable for any psychological damage.”

  I rub at my mouth, thinking on this.

  Tessa has a point.

  That clown could’ve been bluffing. The little prick would do something like that just to mess with me.

  Paybacks are a bitch.

  Doesn’t explain the freaked-out kid, though . . .

  Christ. Whatever. Pushing that memory out of my head, I grab Tessa’s hand and lead her down the path. “Let’s just get this shit over with. I need a drink.”

  “Me too.”

  We move deeper into the woods. Around the next curve, we see three witches hanging from a tree. There’s a mob standing there watching, pitchforks and torches raised, while they chant out “Cursed!” and “Begone, devil worshippers!” The fog grows thicker at our feet and rises to waist level.