Don’t Close Your Eyes

by Ali Parker

  I had talked to Dad a couple of times about sprucing the place up. We’d never had much money, but we were doing better for ourselves now. And with the money I was making at the dog training center, I could chip in a little. But Dad liked the place the way it was. I think partly because it reminded him of Mom.

  Besides, as he said, he was a simple man. He enjoyed his land and his horses, and in the evenings, he enjoyed his books. He didn’t need a fancy house or a new wife. He had everything he wanted in life, right here.

  Well, except me. I knew he’d love for me to move back in with him. In fact, I expected that topic of conversation to come up again that night, like it usually did. As much as I loved him, I needed to get out. Sometimes, this place just felt too much like a museum. Plus, the commute from here to the training center was too long.

  I was saving hours of my life by living closer, and that also meant that I was less likely to be late, or at least likely to be less late. With an hour-long commute, I could be twenty minutes or half an hour late. With a ten-minute commute, the most I’d be was maybe fifteen minutes late, and that was if everything had gone wrong that morning. Which it frequently seemed to, one way or another.

  “Hey, my beautiful daughter,” Dad said, wrapping his arms around me in a warm, welcoming hug.

  “How’s it going, Dad?” I asked, opening a beer for each of us and sitting in one of the porch chairs, watching him as he worked. I had long since stopped trying to help him out with his cooking. He had a particular way that he wanted things done, and usually, it took twice as long if I tried to help him out. At least he let me do the dishes at the end of these nights together. And he’d quit complaining when I brought over beer, even though he still maintained that he was damned well capable of buying his own beer.

  “It’s been good,” Dad said. He’d always been pretty quiet, especially at the start of the evening, but I knew how to get him talking.

  “Is Pepper’s foot still bothering her?” I asked. Pepper was one of his favorite horses, an old nag he’d retired from showjumping, and last I’d heard, she had been heavily favoring one of her hind feet.

  “I had the vet come take a look at her, and he got her all fixed up. She’s doing fine now,” Dad said. “More excitingly than that, though, he took one look at Arriba and realized that she was pregnant. So we should have at least one foal this spring.”

  He sounded excited about that, and I was happy for him. The next best thing to having his family, for him, was having his animal family. A new foal would give him someone new to train, and he’d always loved training the horses. It was part of what had inspired me to work with dogs.

  “I’ll have to come back to help out with the birth,” I told him, knowing that the long nights of sleeping on the cot in the barn weren’t going to work for him. Not at his age. And even though I’d finally convinced him to have some of the riders help out with mucking out stalls and things like that, he would never want to ask one of them to stay over for the night on a cot, just to make sure that the new foal didn’t come out the wrong way.

  “I wish you would come back full time,” Dad sighed, and I realized I had walked right into the very conversation I’d wanted to avoid. “You were always so good with the animals.”

  I knew it had very little to do with how good I had been with the animals. No, he just wanted me back because he missed my company. I wanted to tease him again about finding a new wife, but I knew he’d just say what he always said, that he already had everything he needed. We had had this conversation too many times.

  I hoped that I wouldn’t be so stubborn, when I was his age. That I would be able to help myself. And that if I was lonely, I could find a way to fix it.

  Then again, wasn’t I lonely now, at least some of the nights? And Nina was always telling me that I needed to find myself a man. Maybe it really was ‘like father, like daughter’ but I pushed those thoughts away. I was a lot younger, and even though I missed having company around me sometimes, there were definitely more perks to being on my own now. I could go out and have fun, and I didn’t have to worry about how my schedule would line up with someone else’s. I could do whatever I wanted in my home. I liked my freedom.

  But Dad didn’t want to hear about how much I liked my freedom. Instead, I just shook my head. “You know things are better like this,” I told him. By the time I drove back from the training center, I was so exhausted most days that we hardly talked. I just ate dinner and headed right up to bed.

  “There is that,” Dad agreed. But I could see it in his eyes still. He was lonely, and he missed me. I felt guilty about that. Was I being too selfish by having my own place, all for the sake of my freedom? Dad didn’t care what I got up to. He didn’t care what time I rolled home at night. But that long drive had been exhausting, and it still just felt stifling living here with him. Besides, I was twenty-five years old. It was time that I found my feet and lived my own life.

  I knew that as much as he missed me, he appreciated my independence, too. So there was that.

  Dad dished out burgers and joined me at the table. “You know, I was thinking that after we were done eating, maybe we could go for a ride,” Dad said. “Just a quick one, maybe out to the back fields and then turn around. Take advantage of the longer days.”

  “Oh!” I said in surprise. “Sure. I haven’t been on a ride in forever.”

  I was surprised that he’d asked, really. Even growing up, we had never really gone for rides together. We took turns in the ring sometimes, and he gave me pointers on my form, just like he would for any other student. But we didn’t go on evening rides just because.

  I got a sickening feeling in my gut. Maybe something was wrong with him. I hated to think the worst when it came to my father. I didn’t want to consider losing him. But changing up the routine just wasn’t like him. He must have a reason for wanting to go for the ride, and I couldn’t help thinking that the reason might be a bad one.

  I swallowed a bite, almost ready to ask him about it right now. But we were eating, and that wasn’t exactly dinner-time conversation. And besides, he had already fixed the scene in his head. Whatever was going on, he wanted to go on the ride together.

  It was probably nothing anyway. He probably just wanted to spend time together because he missed me, or because he thought that getting me out on the horses might persuade me to finally come back home.

  “So how are your dogs doing anyway?” Dad asked, interrupting my worry.

  I shook my head and laughed. As easy as it was to get Dad talking about the horses, it was just as easy for me to get talking about the dogs. “Well, first of all, they aren’t my dogs,” I reminded him. “But things are going really well. I’ve just picked up a new one this week, this sweet little pup called Pika. She’s so smart, she learned how to sit in just a couple of minutes.” I continued telling him all about the week I’d had.

  “And I’ve got this mystery appointment coming up on Tuesday morning,” I told him. “It’s not too far from here, actually. The Dawson family farm. Do you know it?”

  “I’ve driven past it before, but I don’t know the Dawson’s, I’m afraid,” Dad said, giving a small shrug. To be honest, I hadn’t expected him to know them. He was good about introducing himself to his neighbors, at least, because they helped one another out sometimes on their respective farms. But Dad didn’t go out of his way to meet people, and farm boys weren’t exactly clamoring for horse-riding lessons here; they had their own horses to learn on. We drew people from town, mostly.

  “Anyway, yeah, they’ve apparently got a couple of hunting dogs. That’s about all I know about it. Nina says the appointment was set up by someone else, so we didn’t get all the details yet. She’s going to be dropping her kids off for school, though, so I’ll be there on my own at least for the start. I’m excited.”

  “That’s good,” Dad said, nodding his head. “But you be careful.”

  I laughed. That was always his advice, but I didn’t know what he thou
ght could happen to me. Did he think one of the dogs was going to maim me? Most dogs were sweet little things unless they’d been mistreated, and if they’d been mistreated, we usually weren’t getting called to train the poor things.

  But this time, Dad shook his head. “I’m serious,” he said. “I think they have a few strapping sons.”

  This time, I couldn’t stop laughing. “Oh Dad,” I said, shaking my head. “You know I’m not going to just run off with some farm-boy and disappear forever.”

  “Good,” Dad said.

  We got the horses tacked up and headed out of the barn just as the sun was starting to set. By the time we reached the far end of the fields, the sky was a rosy shade of gold, and absolutely breathtaking. We both paused for a moment just staring out beyond, toward the flaming sky. I thought for a moment that Dad was going to say something.

  Maybe to remind me that I could look at sunsets like this every night, if I would just come back home. I had to grin, thinking about it. Even if I was still worried that he might want to say something even more serious.

  But Dad didn’t say anything. Finally, he just clucked his tongue and got Guava turned around to head back toward the barn. My own horse, Misty, followed without my even having to do anything to coax her. We unsaddled the horses and brushed them down, and still I was waiting for Dad to say whatever it was that was on his mind. But as always, he kept his thoughts to himself.

  Probably, he really did just miss me. He didn’t need words to express that.

  He gave me a long hug goodbye. “I’ll see you soon, Dad,” I promised softly.

  He nodded and then headed back into the house as I headed toward my car.

  5

  Luke

  On Monday morning, I woke up to Duck peeing on the floor again. Damn dog.

  “Fuck,” I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face. I was exhausted, and I’d only spent the weekend on my own. During the week, the chores would pick up even more, plus I had to finish our supply order by the end of the week if I wanted to get everything ordered to arrive at the start of the upcoming month. I needed to make sure I knew how the online payment system worked, too, since the end of the month was coming up and the hands would need to be paid.

  I wished I’d paid more attention when Ted and I were going through all this stuff before. But as soon as Daddy had said that he was going to be handling all the books anyway, I’d kind of put all of Ted’s instructions out of my mind.

  Ted should have been back by now. This should never have been an issue to begin with.

  Grabbing Duck, I carried her downstairs and outside. “Pee out here, you stupid mutt,” I muttered under my breath, even though as soon as I said it, I felt kind of bad. I shouldn’t be cussing out the pup; it wasn’t her fault I hadn’t had a chance to train her better.

  I turned to go back inside and froze, frowning at the dude who was just standing there, half a smile on his face. He looked like Daddy. Had to be my damn cousin.

  He was a bigger dude, cut for sure. Football player? Surely Uncle Billy had forced those boys to work on their old farm like daddy had us. His arms flexed, and I gave him a look. The Fucker could probably throw hay bales around better than anyone in town. I wanted to give him some shit, but he looked intelligent, which was weird for his size.

  “Can I help you?” I asked suspiciously.

  The man smiled congenially, holding out a hand. “I’m Tanner Dawson,” he said. “And I think I’m here to help you, not the other way around Dad said you guys needed some help. Several of my brothers are down at Teds, and one is back home, but I guess I’m here with you. Said you had a couple of hands but that you needed help with the more serious business of running the place?”

  “Oh,” I said. I shook his hand finally. “Luke Dawson.” I paused, glancing after Duck, but she was already long gone chasing after something. The sun, maybe. “I guess I should show you around the place, then.”

  “That’d be great,” Tanner said, that easy-going, friendly manner, much different than the guy looked. “Can’t say I know much about training dogs, though, so I hope you don’t ask for my help there.”

  “She’s young,” I said shortly, as though that might excuse her behavior. This guy didn’t even know what she had done, or that it was becoming a pattern. He had no right to judge me on my ability to look after Duck.

  Tanner held up both hands, though. “Hey, I wasn’t trying to say anything,” he said. “I could tell she was young by her size. And I know dogs can be, as you said, ‘stupid mutts’ sometimes.”

  “She’s a good dog,” I said defensively, even though she really wasn’t. But again, not her fault. Something about Tanner’s attitude made me want to explain, though. “I got her to be a hunting dog. She’s really smart, and she’s got a good nose. But I’m having trouble training her even to behave as a normal dog. I just don’t have the time.”

  “Yeah, that’s a pretty big project,” Tanner said.

  “Well, I didn’t plan on taking over the family farm,” I said, shrugging. “Dad’s been pulling back from the farm business, but I didn’t expect him to just take off, and I’ve got three older brothers who were supposed to be pulling their weight around here as well.”

  “Yeah, I know about your brothers. My mom and Dad keep us all in the loop. Strange that our father’s have fought for the last thirty years. I couldn’t hold a grudge that long, I don’t think.”

  “Hell, me either.”

  I didn’t know why I was telling him all of this. To his ears, it probably sounded like I was whining. But I needed to tell someone about all of this, and it wasn’t like I had time to go out to Kinsey’s and just hang out with people. By this point, most of my friends had quit inviting me out with them anyway. They just knew I wouldn’t have time with all the extra duties that I’d taken on around the farm lately.

  “So what exactly do you need me to do around here?” Tanner asked, when I had finished the tour of the place.

  This was the part I hated most, assigning tasks to people. And this was just like having a new hand in the place, and I still didn’t know what those guys were best suited for either. I shoved my hands in my pockets. “Thought you were the more experienced one,” I said grumpily. “What should I have you doing?”

  Tanner laughed and clapped me on the shoulder. “Now that’s the kind of attitude of someone who doesn’t like to take charge. Or what would be the politically correct way to say it, the kind of guy who doesn’t like to micromanage?”

  Scowling at him, I continued. “I’m just saying, it’s not like there isn’t plenty to do,” I told him, gesturing at the whiteboard hanging on one side of the office, which listed all the things that needed to get done this week. “And you probably have a better idea than I do of what is the priority for the week, right?”

  I knew I wasn’t being fair to him. And what’s more, if I was worried about this undermining my leadership here at the farm, I shouldn’t be acting like I was totally incapable of figuring out what to do with him. But I was just so sick of this whole situation. And that was not to mention the fact that I just didn’t know what exactly I thought about him. He had proven over and over again that he was a jokester. Everything that I tried to explain to him about how the farm was laid out or how things were run, he had some snarky comment about.

  Not snarky, I guess. And I knew he wasn’t trying to be a dick. I was just letting my own frustrations, my other frustrations, impact what I thought about him. It wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t seem to stop it. And he was family. I kept reminding myself of that shit, but it didn’t feel like truth.

  “Getting some of the hay bales down from the loft, why don’t I start with that?” Tanner suggested, and I had to admit, I was relieved that he had. It was something I could definitely do, but it was one of the more physically demanding tasks on the list. If he could handle a couple of things like that over the course of the day, maybe I could make heads or tails of the payment program and get that order list worked up.r />
  “Sounds like a plan,” I said. “And maybe you could work on the back fence once you’re done; I think on of our hired hands, Trevor was headed out there, but he could probably use a second set of hands to help.”

  “On it,” Tanner said, cheerfully.

  I didn’t see any of the others for most of the rest of the day, which was a relief. It gave me time to wrap my head around things. As the others trickled in to give their reports, I was able to mark off a surprising number of things on the list. It turned out that Tanner had nudged some of the hands to do certain tasks as they finished up the things that they’d originally been working on. No one seemed to mind that he was taking charge, so that was a relief.

  “Thanks for all your help today,” I said, immediately when Tanner came into the office, nearly half an hour after everyone else had left for the night. I paused. “And hey, I’m sorry that I was snippy this morning.”

  “No worries, man.I could tell you were just worried about the farm,” Tanner said, shrugging easily. “No hard feelings.” He paused and surveyed the board. “Instead of Eric mucking out stalls tomorrow, I’d have Gary do that.”

  “Did Gary do something wrong today?” I asked in surprise. Was he trying to punish some of the other hands already? I knew that that wasn’t uncommon on farms, and it made sure that everyone did their tasks as efficiently as possible, but I was surprised that Tanner wanted to throw someone under the bus so soon after his arrival.

  Not to mention the fact that even though I knew that was how most farms operated, and even though that was the way our farm had always been, I wasn’t sure if that was how I wanted to run things. I didn’t want to make people afraid of making mistakes. I hoped I could be more… benevolent, or something.

  Tanner laughed, though. “Nah, he didn’t do anything wrong. But he’s more of an introvert and Eric’s more of an extrovert. I think you’re going to get more productivity out of Eric if you pair him with me on fence repairs tomorrow, and I think Gary will appreciate the ability to work in solitude in the barn. I know mucking out stalls isn’t exactly anyone’s idea of a good time, but these guys wouldn’t be here if they minded getting their hands dirty. And I’m not saying you need to put Gary on stall duty every day, but he was working with Eric for most of today and Eric talked his ear off. He may appreciate the break.”