Don’t Close Your Eyes

by Ali Parker

  “See, I went over to my dad’s place yesterday and he seemed really against the idea of me being with Luke,” I blurted out. “I don’t know what exactly his problem was. He wouldn’t tell me. But I just don’t know what to do. If my dad doesn’t want me over there, I have to respect that, don’t I? He’s my father, after all.”

  “Hmm,” Nina said, frowning. “I don’t know why he would be so against it. My family knows Luke’s family pretty well, and they’ve never had any problems around town or anything like that. I mean, there’s all the gossip. A couple of the boys used to sleep around, before they got married. I think there was even a rumor that Mason had gotten his brother’s ex-fiancée pregnant or something? But nothing ever came of that. And as for Luke, he goes out to drink sometimes, but he doesn’t really ever do anything worth gossiping about.”

  I sighed. “See, that’s exactly it. I just have no idea what he could possibly be upset about. Unless it’s some personal problem of Dad’s instead. Like, maybe he’s afraid that I won’t come for dinner with him anymore if I get serious with Luke.”

  “He’s still trying to get you to move back in with him, is he?” Nina asked sympathetically.

  “Yeah,” I sighed. “And the truth is, I know he’s got his hands full with the whole farm to himself. He really does need more help around the place. I try to do what I can, but I just don’t want that life for myself, and I shouldn’t feel like I’m being guilted into taking over the place for him. That’s not fair.”

  “No, it definitely isn’t,” Nina agreed, shaking her head. “But if you need more time to go over there and help out, just let me know and I can block certain times out in your schedule. I’ve been thinking that we might need to add another trainer to our list anyway. Or at least a part-time secretary or something, for the days when you and I are both out on calls.”

  “I want to keep working like I have been,” I said, shaking my head. “I love working with dogs. That’s what I want to be doing.” I paused. “I don’t know how I feel about adding on someone else, either. I mean, I understand where you’re coming from, but aren’t we the dream team?”

  Nina laughed. “Yeah, of course, we are,” she said. “And we’re always going to be, even if we add on someone else. It just might give us more time to meet up outside of work, rather than always being stuck in here. Or at least, it would give me a bit more time outside of work. I feel like I hardly ever have time with the kids anymore.”

  “That’s fair,” I said, nodding. “And obviously time with Dad is important to me, too. But I don’t want to start cutting back on my hours because of it. It wouldn’t be fair for me to bail on you like that, and I don’t want him to start expecting me to move back in with him or anything like that. I like having my own space. More than I could ever explain to him.”

  “I know,” Nina said. “But I also know how much your dad means to you. And I can tell that you’re starting to like Luke. If having more time to help around your dad’s farm is the only way that he’ll be okay with you dating Luke, I’ll do whatever I can to help you out.”

  I had to smile at that. “Thanks,” I said. “I really appreciate it.”

  We hadn’t solved anything in this conversation. I still didn’t know exactly what Dad’s reasons were for not wanting me anywhere near Luke. And I didn’t know if I should head back over to Luke’s tomorrow to keep training Duck or not. Should I show up as though nothing were unusual? As though Luke and I hadn’t slept together a couple of times already. As though I hadn’t spent the day avoiding him.

  I hated to think that he might be worried about me, or that he might regret having ever slept with me. And suddenly, I knew that no matter what Dad might think about things, I had to go over there and at least talk to Luke. I owed him that. I owed myself that.

  Besides, Dad had never told me that I had to completely cut Luke out of my life. He had just told me to be careful, to not have anything more to do with him than I had to, and that I couldn’t date him. Talking to him didn’t break any of those rules.

  I didn’t even fully come to a decision in my head, but after work, I found myself driving over to Luke’s. I would just talk to him. Explain why I hadn’t been there that day. Tell him about the conversation I’d had with my dad. Maybe Luke would be able to shed light on why my dad didn’t want me to have anything to do with the Dawson boy.

  But no, I wouldn’t dare ask that. Still, I could at least confirm if I should be there, working with Duck, again the next day. See how Luke was handling my disappearance, and let him know that I was okay.

  Really, I just couldn’t stand the idea of going a whole day without seeing him. I was starting to realize that I was in way over my head.

  I pulled into Luke’s driveway just as Tanner was pulling out for the day. For a moment, I just sat there in my car, staring up at the house. Things had been so different when I’d arrived here on Saturday morning, and I almost wished I could go back to that. I had been so excited, and the whole day had been so perfect. Waking up the next morning, things had felt so right.

  As I sat there, I debated leaving again, without even talking to Luke. What was I even going to say to him? How could I explain that no matter how good I thought this thing between us was, my dad didn’t want me to have anything to do with him? There was a conversation we had to have before that, one about whether this was even a relationship or not. Maybe we were just sleeping together. Maybe none of this worry even mattered.

  But it hadn’t felt like that. Luke might have proposed dinner as a thank-you for my work with Duck, but it had definitely felt like a date. Otherwise, he could have just dragged me inside and had his way with me here.

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, wiping my damp palms against the steering wheel. He made me so nervous. I shouldn’t be, right? But between not knowing what was going on between Luke and I, not knowing whether I should still keep training Duck, and not knowing what Dad’s problem with Luke was, there were too many unanswered questions. It was about time I started figuring things out.

  Just as I started to get out of the car, I suddenly realized I’d debated for too long anyway. Luke was nearly to me, looking puzzled. I could put the car into drive now and peel out of his driveway, but then he would know for sure that something was up. No, better to stay and have the conversation with him.

  Swallowing hard, I opened my door.

  23

  Luke

  By the end of the day on Monday, I was bruised and sore, but pretty proud of the work Tanner and I had gotten done. It had definitely been a productive day, once I’d been forced to focus on my work rather than on my thoughts about Brea.

  Unfortunately, now that the work was done, and even though I was mentally and physically fatigued, my thoughts had swung right back to Brea, like some sort of errant compass. All I wanted to do was go inside, make a quick dinner, then collapse on the porch swing with a beer. I supposed a shower would be good, too.

  But as I was walking into the house, I saw Brea’s car there in the driveway. For a moment, I wondered whether she had slipped in at some point and been working with Duck all along. But I knew I would have noticed. Duck had been over with Tanner and I for most of the afternoon, taking only a few quick breaks to weave in and out of the legs of the poor beleaguered cows, one of her favorite things to do to burn off energy.

  When I squinted, I could see that Brea was still there in her car. I frowned, wondering what she was doing. She must be having second thoughts about everything between us. She must have come to talk to me but was too nervous to do so. Or maybe she was just here on work business.

  I kind of hoped it was the former. If she were there to talk about our relationship, or the lack of one, it would be a productive conversation at least. Maybe I could stop thinking of her so obsessively if we actually defined the parameters of this thing we were doing.

  Of course, maybe she just wanted to tell me that she had some other dog training she needed to do this week and that she w
asn’t going to be around to work with Duck after all. Though, I couldn’t help but think that if that were the case, she would have just called, instead. So this had to be about our relationship.

  Or our non-relationship. I had to keep reminding myself that we weren’t in a relationship yet. No matter what it may have felt like.

  I paused for a moment, wondering if I should wait for her to come up to the house. But she didn’t show any signs of getting out of her car, and I was worried she would just drive away without saying anything. Whatever was going through her head right now, I wanted to talk to her about it, and figure out why she hadn’t been there that morning.

  So I headed over to her car. She noticed me just before I got there and opened her door, looking sheepish. “Is everything okay?” I asked, folding my arms across my chest to keep from reaching for her. My body ached to pull her against me and just hold her. To keep her from running away. But I knew that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Whatever was on her mind, we needed to talk before we could do anything else.

  “I don’t know,” Brea said slowly. She gnawed at her lower lip, looking up at me through her lashes. Then, she shook her head. “I need to talk to you.”

  “All right,” I said, trying to act nonchalant, even though I was worried about what she might say. What if she really was having second thoughts about this, about us? What if she didn’t want to keep seeing one another? Maybe she was here to tell me that she was done training Duck and that she never wanted to see me again.

  No matter how much I had come to like her, I would have no choice but to respect that.

  I was kicking myself, though. Maybe if I hadn’t told her this was just a one-time thing. But I hadn’t been sure, and I hadn’t been looking for a relationship. Now, I still wasn’t sure I was ready to start a relationship with her, not with all the other duties that I had on my plate at the moment. I didn’t want to lose her, though.

  “Why don’t you come in,” I suggested. I shifted my shoulders, feeling the slight soreness to them, a reminder of what it had taken to keep my mind on my task today rather than thinking of Brea. “I’ll make coffee.”

  “Okay,” Brea said quietly. She followed me inside.

  We stood in silence as we waited for the coffee to brew. I couldn’t think of what to say to her. And anyway, she was the one who had come here with something to talk about. But she wasn’t saying anything, and finally I couldn’t take it any longer.

  “So what’s going on?” I asked.

  Brea shook her head, looking down at her hands. “I don’t know,” she said. “I just wanted to talk to you about some things.”

  “Okay,” I said slowly. “You didn’t show up for work today.” That was an easy enough place to start, I figured. She could tell me why she wasn’t there, and that would shed some light on things. If she told me she wasn’t there because she had other dogs she needed to work with, then I would ask why she hadn’t told me. And if she told me she wasn’t there because she didn’t think it was a good idea for her to continue working with Duck, then I would open the conversation about our relationship.

  Although it was definitely starting to feel like she didn’t want a relationship with me, not in the slightest. She would barely even look at me right now. I couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong between yesterday morning and now. But then again, I hadn’t ever really addressed the fact that she felt the need to run away after having sex with me.

  Maybe there was some very real worry going through her head. Maybe she was convinced that I didn’t want anything to do with her once I had gotten off.

  “I was at the training center. With Nina.” Her tone was flat and inflectionless, not letting me know anything about how she was feeling. Nor did she offer any more information. Was she working with other dogs? I didn’t know. Would she be there the next day? No clue of that, either.

  “I thought you were going to keep working with Duck,” I reminded her. Maybe there had just been too much else going on in the office and she’d been called in. But why hadn’t she told me that? No, this was something else. “What’s going on, Brea?” I repeated.

  “I just have a lot of stuff going through my head right now,” she said, throwing her hands in the air.

  “You mind sharing some of it?” I asked, trying not to sound too sarcastic. But the more she evaded my questions, the more I started to think that maybe something was really wrong. That she really didn’t ever want to see me again.

  And that hit me like a ton of bricks. I hated the idea of never seeing her again. I had gotten used to her, in the time that she’d been here. I couldn’t just switch off my thoughts, couldn’t just stop thinking about her.

  “Can we go for a ride?” Brea asked, unexpectedly. “It would help me clear my head, and maybe I could make some sense of some of this jumble of thoughts that I’ve got.”

  I stared at her for a long moment, but I knew how therapeutic a ride could be. I had been on plenty of rides for the sole purpose of straightening things out in my head. It was unusual for her to come over here and request that, but then again, we had horses, so it was an easy thing to agree to.

  Besides, I was already thinking of where I’d like to take her. It was still light enough out that we could go to the clearing. I had a feeling she would like the ride through the woods to get there. It didn’t feel totally like Oklahoma out there. It was a lot different than riding through fields and pastures.

  “Sure,” I finally agreed, leading her out to the barn. Again, it was silent as I saddled up two of the horses. I knew Brea could help, but she seemed content to just watch me.

  I wished I knew what was going through her head as she sat there. But she didn’t give me any clue.

  “Ready?” I finally asked, handing over the reins to one of the horses.

  Brea nodded and easily swung up into the saddle. I felt a sudden jolt of desire go through me, seeing how easily she sat astride the horse, seeing how expertly she handled the reigns. She really knew what she was doing. I suppose it only made sense after all. I’d done a little asking around and knew she had grown up on a ranch not too far from here.

  I still wondered how it was that we’d never met before, if we both were from here. But it wasn’t like I’d been paying much attention. For most of my life I’d been too busy with the farm, even before the entirety of the responsibilities had been dumped on me. And she had been homeschooled, so it wasn’t like I was going to run into her at school.

  No, it made sense that we hadn’t met one another before. But still, it made me wish we could have met sooner, that we could have had more time before now, when she clearly wanted nothing more to do with me.

  Riding ahead, I led the way out into the fields. We went through the fence at the back of the property, and suddenly we were in the trees. It was like that was all it took to get Brea to relax. “Wow,” she said, her first words since we started the ride. “I didn’t realize all this was back here.”

  “Yeah, it’s sort of a family secret,” I told her. “We own all the land out here, and it was originally just another farm field, but one of my ancestors decided to plant a bunch of trees and turn it into a place for trail rides. And it’s a great place to ride. Especially when it’s hot during the summer, there’s plenty of shade.”

  She fell silent again, and I bit my tongue to keep from asking her again to explain what was going on. I could practically see the gears churning in her head, and I knew that whatever she was thinking about, she’d tell me as soon as she got things straightened out in her own mind.

  Sure enough, a few minutes later, she sighed and looked over at me. “My father doesn’t want me to get involved with you,” she said. “I don’t know if it’s something to do with you or with your family or what. But I told him about us Saturday, just about going to dinner with you, and he was really upset. He definitely doesn’t want us to date or anything like that.”

  I frowned, puzzling over that. “Did he say why?” I finally asked. I tried to s
ound casual about it, like I didn’t really care. But I could tell, from everything that I knew about her, that if her dad didn’t want the two of us to date, there was no getting around it. She would never do anything against her father’s wishes.

  And, honestly, I probably wouldn’t have been with her if she would. If she was willing to ignore her family, all for someone she’d just met, all because we had this crazy attraction to one another, she wouldn’t be the kind of girl with values that I could admire. If family wasn’t important to her, then I didn’t want to be with her.

  “No, I was hoping that you might know why,” Brea said. “I’ve thought about it from his perspective. I thought originally that maybe he was just afraid that if I started a relationship with you, I might not have enough time to spend with him anymore. Or something like that. Or maybe he was still thinking that I’d come back to help with the ranch, but that I wouldn’t if I got serious with you. That I’d start working over here instead or something.”

  She sighed and shook her head. “But that just doesn’t make sense either. He’s always wanted me to be happy. And I know that he’s been grieving ever since Mom—” she trailed off, looking like she didn’t want to talk about it. “I think that maybe he just doesn’t want me to end up the same way that he is. Alone and unhappy. But if that’s what he’s worried about, he shouldn’t be trying to keep me from you. Even if I had you and then lost you, it still would be better than being alone all along.”

  I shrugged. “I have no idea why he wouldn’t want you near me or my family,” I said. I tried to think of anything that I had ever heard about her family. Any clue that I might have missed. But I really knew hardly anything about her family. Besides, “If there was bad blood between our families or something like that, do you really think my dad would have hired you to come train Duck?”