Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

  L. L. Collins

  Contents

  Author Note

  Prologue

  1. Natalie

  2. Kai

  3. Natalie

  4. Natalie

  5. Kai

  6. Natalie

  7. Kai

  8. Natalie

  9. Kai

  10. Natalie

  11. Kai

  12. Natalie

  13. Kai

  14. Natalie

  15. Kai

  16. Natalie

  17. Kai

  18. Natalie

  19. Kai

  20. Natalie

  21. Kai

  22. Kai

  23. Kai

  24. Natalie

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also by L. L. Collins

  Playlist

  Copyright © 2016 by L. L. Collins

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental

  Cover Design and Photography by Marisa Rose Shor at Cover Me, Darling

  Cover Model: Anne Sherlock

  Editing by Leddy Harper

  Proofreading by Jillian Toth at Jilly’s Polished Proofs

  This book is dedicated to everyone who, at any point in my life, believed I could overcome anything and achieve my dreams. I’ll never stop reaching further for my dream, and I hope I can inspire others to do the same.

  Author Note

  This story shares a very personal part of my life. It’s fictionalized and exaggerated, but is real nonetheless for many men and women all across the world.

  Did you know…

  •At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.

  •Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.

  •Eating disorders have the highest morality rate of any mental illness.

  Via http://www.anad.org/

  If you or someone you love suffers from an eating disorder, please seek professional help. It’s never too late to live happily ever after.

  Music is an integral part of this story. I suggest you listen to the songs as they appear in the book to help you set the mood for the story!

  ~L.L. Collins

  Prologue

  Natalie

  Fourteen years old

  “Beau!” I screamed as I ran behind the retreating ambulance. I ran until it turned the corner and I knew I couldn’t catch it. With tears streaming from my eyes as my heart pounded in my chest, I skidded to a stop. The gagging sobs wracked my body and I dropped to my knees on the sidewalk. My eyes burned and my chest heaved. The pain in my knees vaguely registered, but it was nothing in comparison to the pain my heart felt. Clutching my chest, I wondered if teenagers could have heart attacks. I had to get to him. I had to help him. He had to know how much I loved him.

  They took him away.

  My mother let them.

  She wanted them to take him.

  She called them herself.

  “He’s a danger to himself and others.”

  “I’m afraid of him.”

  “He’s unstable.”

  “He’s a lost cause.”

  She lied. I knew it. She hated him, and I didn’t understand why. If Beau was unstable, it was because of her. He had issues like our dad had. But he was my brother. He wasn’t a lost cause. He was a child, a scared little boy who needed us.

  Ever since my dad killed himself, Beau never recovered. He needed his mother back, not the shell of the person she became since her husband’s death.

  My hands shook as I pushed myself off the ground and began the walk home. I knew the hospital was fifteen minutes away by car, but I would get my bike and go if she wouldn’t take me. I wouldn’t leave Beau in that strange place by himself. He would hate it. Even though he was twelve years old, he didn’t like new places. The only one who soothed him was me.

  I stopped several times and threw up in the bushes. I wiped my face and kept going, ignoring the way my stomach rolled and convulsed. Beau, I’m coming. It’s all going to be okay, Beau. I love you. Remember that.

  When I stepped onto the front porch of our home, I stopped. I rested my head against the wood door and bit my lips against the tears that threatened again. My knees stung from the impact of falling onto the concrete, and sweat made my shirt stick to my skin.

  Just as I was about to turn the handle, the door swung open. I stumbled back as my mom stepped around me like I was nothing more than a newspaper in her way.

  “Let’s go.” She didn’t even look at me, her voice curt as I watched her stride to the car.

  I scrambled after her and jumped into the back seat. “He’s not a lost cause, Mama,” I cried. “He’s Beau. You know he—” My voice cracked, and I stopped because I knew it was useless.

  I remembered when I was a small child, thinking my mom’s eyes were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. They always overflowed with love and affection.

  But this time, when her eyes met mine in the rearview mirror, all I saw was the hollow, empty, emotionless person she’d become over the last seven years.

  “I’m bad, Natalie. I don’t deserve to live.” Beau’s soft voice infiltrated the silence. At least we had our own room. Two twin beds flanked opposing walls, but we lay in only one. I huddled around him, my arms holding him tightly against me. I could hear the laughter of some of the smaller kids reverberating through the hallway, but all it did was make me sadder.

  Tears sprung to my eyes at the same time my stomach growled. I didn’t know the last time I ate food. Maybe it was the day our mother left us in the mental hospital and disappeared. Or the day the social worker brought us to this house, filled with strange children and foster parents who looked at us with sad puppy-dog eyes.

  I kissed Beau on the back of his head and squeezed my eyes shut. “Don’t say that, Beau. You’re my little brother, and I love you. I couldn’t do this without you.”

  “If I was gone,” Beau continued, “then Mom wouldn’t have left you. You wouldn’t have to be here. It’s all my fault.”

  “Beau Oliver.” I shifted him so he had to look me in the eyes. He blinked up at me, his dark pupils studying me as he waited. Waited for a reason why this all happened to us. I knew now why we were here, huddled together on a strange bed, in a strange house, with people we didn’t know. But Beau never needed to. I promised myself he wouldn’t. I would take it to my grave.

  “I’m going to make you a promise.” I smiled at him, despite the fact I felt like my insides would rip out of my body. “I promise if you hang in there with me, Beau, I’ll always be there for you. It’s you and me against the world. We’ll survive. Together.”

  He nodded just enough for me to see his head move before he turned away from me again. My arms still encircled him, but we said nothing.

  When I felt the warmth of his tears against my forearms, I held him tighter.

  For as long as I lived, I would never let anyone make Beau feel the way he felt right now. Not ever again.

  He would know he was loved because my love would be enough for him.

  Chapter One

  Natalie

  I blew out a f
rustrated breath and pushed back from my desk. Sometimes office work made me feel suffocated, and this was one of those times. Endless emails, requests for interviews, magazine spreads, you name it. The sounds of the band practicing reverberated through the walls around me, but I was used to it. It was hard for me to concentrate if it was too quiet.

  I tapped my foot on the floor at the recognizable notes that pulsed through my veins. Every song they played was as familiar as the air I breathed. After all, Beau and I had been here since the beginning, with Bex. Back when we were all we had.

  I looked over at the picture I kept framed on my desk of the original Jaded Regret before Johnny joined. Bex, Beau, and I were the ones who came up with the name after years of foster care. We all thought putting our jaded regret to good use in the lyrics of our songs would help us recover. It had, in many ways. Other ways would never heal. But the name reminded us of where we’d been, and to never forget those who aren’t as fortunate as us. That’s why the band was so generous to foster care kids.

  Everyone looked so different, so…young. We kept in touch with Ryver, who moved to Mexico to be with his family just before Johnny joined the band. He was part of a band there and was doing well. I shifted my gaze to the last picture we took, just a few weeks ago. Johnny had his arm around Bex. She held their son, Jaden, and their daughter, Lennox, stood tucked into her side. April stood at Beau’s side, holding their baby girl, Olivia. Their son, Robbie, was next to them, his adoring gaze trained on his dad.

  My eyes zeroed in on Tanner, his face turned toward Mac. She smiled up at him, and my heart ached with the obvious love visible on their faces. It was almost like they didn’t even care that I took a picture of them because to tear their gaze away from each other would be impossible. His hands rested gently on her lower abdomen, already protecting what was his.

  I was happy for him. I was. I knew things would never be like that with us. For years I thought differently, but after he’d met Mac, I saw it. I saw what Johnny and Beau experienced when they fell in love with their wives.

  He didn’t look at me like that.

  I loved Mac. She quickly became the best friend I hadn’t had in a long time.

  Not that I didn’t love the band, because I did. They were my family. But being around Mac was different. Her and April both were more like sisters to me.

  The sisters I never got to have.

  My phone buzzed, shaking me from staring at the photos. I looked down at the screen and smiled.

  Kai.

  I tapped the screen to bring his message up.

  How’s your day going?

  Kai Pierson. The guy who replaced Allan at our label. He and I worked hand in hand with each other, scheduling things for the band and moving them forward in their career. I liked him.

  Guys usually only wanted one thing with me. Well, sometimes two. They either wanted in my pants, or they wanted access to Jaded Regret.

  Kai wanted to talk to me. He liked me. At first, it was hard to comprehend his desire to be my friend, but over the months, he proved himself to me. It was nice to be friends with a guy who didn’t act like he wanted anything other than to get to know me.

  I was rarely photographed with the band, often doing something behind the scenes when they were doing photo shoots. Most other times, I didn’t want to be in the pictures. I never liked the way I looked on film, and that hadn’t changed. If Kai wanted to know what I looked like, he never brought it up.

  I couldn’t remember the last time I had time to entertain a date. The band was my life. I liked it that way—it didn’t give me much time to think about anything else. So when Kai didn’t come on to me and truly wanted to get to know who I was, it was refreshing.

  My stomach growled, and I grabbed my water bottle. I chugged a large gulp of it and picked my phone back up to respond to Kai’s text.

  Hey, my day is crazy. Whatever you’re doing up there must be bringing every press outlet out of the woodwork. I’ve gotten so many emails I can’t even count them.

  I saw the little bubble bouncing indicating he was typing. We talked every day over the last few months, mostly about the band but also about other things, too. I knew he was from the Midwest, born in Oklahoma. I knew he’d lived in New York since he was a young kid after his family moved for better jobs.

  My stomach growled again, and I glanced at the clock. Realizing it was past dinner time, I reached in my drawer and grabbed a handful of almonds.

  Just as I finished chewing, Kai’s response came through.

  Haha. That’s good! Job security, right?

  I smiled. If you say so. It’ll take me days to go through these and see which ones are good opportunities.

  I leaned back in my chair, listening as the band laughed through the wall.

  Let me know if you need any help. I’m getting ready to leave the office now and will be on the train for a while.

  The door opened, and Mac stepped in. She looked adorable with just a slight baby bump starting. Her cheeks flushed, and she smiled widely at me.

  I put my phone down on the desk and stood to hug her. “Hey! Have you been out there the whole time?”

  She shook her long blond hair and pulled my extra chair closer to me. “No. I just got here.”

  “Ah. That’s why they stopped playing. Tanner had to say hi to you, didn’t he?”

  She blushed, and I knew my answer.

  “You don’t even have to tell me.” I nodded at her belly. “How are you feeling?” Mac had a rough time so far with her pregnancy, feeling sick most of the time.

  She shrugged. “Eh, some days are better than others. Today’s a good day, so I wanted to come up and say hi to everyone.”

  I was rather sure I knew what “say hi” meant to her and Tanner, but I refrained from teasing her. Lord knew I’d walked into the studio plenty of times to see any one of them in compromising positions.

  “Anyway,” she said. “How are you? Holed up in here?”

  “Yep. Tons of emails. I’m about to call it a day, though. Not much else I can do. Well, that’s not true. Not much more I want to do.”

  Mac crossed her legs. “Talk to Kai today?” She loved to razz me about my friendship with him. I knew she was genuinely interested in seeing me happy, so I appeased her.

  Sometimes.

  I groaned. “Mac, I talk to him almost every day, remember?” I neglected to say I never talked to Allan as much as I now talk to Kai, but she didn’t need to know that information.

  “Uh huh. So you keep saying.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “He’s a nice guy.”

  “And you’re a nice girl. And hot, too.”

  I scoffed. “I’m not hot, Mac. That’s the friend in you coming out.”

  Mac gaped, her mouth wide open as she studied me. “Are you for real? You are one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen. Do you never notice the men stare as you walk by? They can’t keep their tongues in their mouths they like you so much.”

  I couldn’t help it; I laughed. She was something else. “Mac, you have quite an imagination. If they’re staring at me, it’s probably because they’re waiting to see if one of the band members is coming behind me.”

  Mac rolled her eyes. “You just don’t see it, do you?” She stood. “Hey, let’s get out of here. Want to grab some dinner?”

  My stomach growled again at the mention of food. “Sure. Let’s tell them we’re leaving. I’m sure Tanner will insist one of the guys goes with us.”

  Mac nodded, an unspoken agreement passing between us. Ever since everything went down with her and her crazy ex-boyfriend, we didn’t mess around with security. Plus, the world now knew who Mac was to Tanner, so that thrust her into the spotlight rather quickly. It was better to be safe than sorry when going into public. Most times, I had someone with me, too.

  We walked into the room where the guys hung out, all their attention trained on a large flat screen television on the wall. AJ shifted his eyes to look at us.

  �
��You guys going somewhere?”

  Mac nodded. “Yeah, but you can stay with Tanner.”

  I indicated Steve, one of the new guys we hired in the last few months. He was the oldest of the security team, but that didn’t stop him. The man was built like a brick wall and liked challenging the younger guys to try to beat him at anything. None of them had yet. He was more often with me if I went out without the band. He was the nicest guy and took on the role of our dad—if I had any idea what a dad was actually like.

  “You need me, Miss Nat?” He also had a hard time with calling me Nat like everyone else, or at least Natalie. He’d wanted to call me Miss Anderson for the longest time, but I finally got him to settle on Miss Nat. He was a southern boy, born and bred.

  “Yeah. We’re going to get something to eat and then go back to my place.” I looked over at AJ. “I assume Tanner will have you come there to pick up Mac, but talk to him when they’re done practicing.”

  “Got it.” AJ settled back against the cushions and turned back to the screen. After Mac’s ex got into Tanner’s house and almost killed her while on his watch, AJ was overly cautious about leaving Mac alone. He carried an enormous amount of guilt for everything that happened, though no one blamed him.

  Steve led us out the door and to his blacked-out SUV. We all had the same vehicles we traveled in, for ease and security. There was a time I would’ve never thought this would be our life, but it was.

  Mac and I slid into the back seat just as my phone dinged again. I pulled it out of my purse and glanced at the screen just as Steve hit a bump, and my phone flew out of my hand.

  Mac picked it up off the floor and reached to give it to me before she pulled it back to her. “‘Can’t wait to finally meet you next month,’” she read.

  My face flushed. Shit. None of them knew about the trip I would make to New York by myself. Kai called the meeting and wanted me there, but I would leave the band home this time.