Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  Kai blew out a breath. “I knew what I wanted.”

  The look he gave me told me everything I needed to know.

  “Oh,” I said again.

  “I’m screwing this all up.” Kai raked his hand through his hair, and I couldn’t stop wondering what it would feel like to do that, too.

  “How?” My voice was shaky, and I hated it.

  “I never want to put pressure on you, but that’s inadvertently what I’m doing. You’ve been here just hours, and I’ve already made you feel uncomfortable. I kissed you in the middle of New York City, and I’m not sorry. I want to do it again and again and again. I know you keep yourself closed off for a reason. You’re my friend. Hell, you’ve quickly become my best friend, which sounds funny because up until a few hours ago we’d never even met. But I meant what I said earlier. I didn’t need to see you to know what I thought of you already.”

  “Then why did you need a picture of me?”

  “I didn’t need it to be attracted to the person you are, Natalie. I wanted it so I could look into the eyes of the woman who made me want things I’ve never wanted before.”

  I opened and closed my mouth but couldn’t respond. He wanted things he never wanted before. It dawned on me that his implication was he wanted me. He didn’t know the kinds of things inside me. The things no one would want.

  “I don’t want to mess this up,” Kai whispered. “Tell me if I’m way off base here, okay? We’ll go right back to being friends. I promise. I know we have to work together, and we’re going to spend a lot of time together with the band. I don’t want it to be weird. If you think this is too much, I can get you a hotel room and take you there—”

  “Stop,” I said, interrupting him. Kai watched me, wide-eyed, as he waited for my answer. “You aren’t screwing this up, Kai. Not at all. I…like you. I’ve liked you since the beginning. I just…I don’t know how to do this.”

  “‘Scars to Your Beautiful,’” Kai said.

  “What?”

  “The song. Have you heard it? It’s exactly what you need to hear, Natalie.” He reached for his phone and pulled up his music app. Within seconds, the song began playing. Kai held onto my hands as the lyrics surrounded us.

  Tears stung behind my eyes, but I refused to let them come. I wouldn’t be the girl who cried in front of the guy.

  “You don’t have to change a thing about who you are.” It was as though Kai read my mind. “I like you just the way you are. The things that have shaped your past and your present. I don’t need you to be anything you aren’t.”

  I nodded. “Thank you. Tell me something. Did you want me to come here to work?”

  “There’s work we need to get done, but it wasn’t that important for you to be here. I wanted you to come so I could see if this was what I thought it was.”

  “What did you think it was?” My voice shook again, and I hated it. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted him to say, but I knew he would tell me. He was always honest.

  Kai shifted and pulled me into his lap. Our gazes locked and I swore all the oxygen left the room. The song still played around us, but I couldn’t hear the lyrics anymore over the pounding of my heart. “Let me show you.”

  He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me until our lips met. This kiss was different than the one in the middle of the street. It was no longer tentative or scared.

  Kai twined his tongue with mine, and I met his stroke for stroke. His hands held my face, and I gripped his forearms as the kiss deepened. He sucked my tongue and bit it gently before twirling it with his again.

  I had never in my life been kissed like this. Never.

  The song ended and another started, but I didn’t care enough to try to figure out what it was.

  My insecurity plagued me.

  The incessant questions pummeled my thoughts.

  I wanted to trust him but wasn’t sure of his motives.

  Kai pulled back, and our eyes met. “Natalie.” His voice was husky and sent shivers of desire down my spine. “Is this okay?”

  I nodded. “Yes, Kai. More than okay. I’m just a little shocked still, I think.”

  He laughed. “Why? Because you thought I was gay?”

  I joined him in laughter and shook my head. “I can’t believe I was so off base. I mean, I’m glad I was…”

  “I’m glad you were off base, too.” Kai wiggled his eyebrows and I elbowed him. We both laughed.

  “You knew what you were going to do to me with that picture you sent, didn’t you?”

  “I hoped I knew what I was going to do. I’m glad to see it worked.” Kai smoothed my hair back. “Natalie, I want you to know something. Seeing you today, having you here in my apartment with me, kissing your lips. I dreamed this would work out like this. But I need you to know something else—there is no pressure here. I’m not looking to score with you or to just get you for the next three days. And if at any time this isn’t what you want, you put on the brakes. You’re in charge.”

  Kai got me. Somehow, he knew I needed the control in my life, and he was giving it to me. He would respect me and wasn’t looking to ‘hook up.’

  “Thank you, Kai. That means a lot to me.”

  “Would you like to take a shower or change? Your bags are already in my room. I’ll be sleeping out here.”

  “I hate that you have to be out here,” I said.

  He picked up my hand and kissed it. “I don’t. I plan on spending the next several days showing you exactly where I’d like this to go, and that starts with me being a gentleman. My mother would kill me if I let you sleep on my couch.”

  “And if you slept in your bed, too?”

  He shook his head. “No, Natalie. As much as it pains me, I’m going to do this the right way. I can’t lie next to you all night. I can only be a gentleman for so long.”

  It was my turn to laugh. “You’re a great guy, Kai. Did anyone ever tell you that?”

  “Other than my mom?” Kai smiled. “No one that mattered. Until now.” He stood and pulled me up with him. “We take this slow, Natalie. Slow and steady.” Kai wrapped his arms around me and grabbed his phone from the table again. “Dance with me.”

  As the lyrics to “Desire” by Ryan Adams began playing, I rested my head on Kai’s strong chest and tried to wrap my head around what was happening between us. Everything I thought when coming up here was no longer. Kai made it clear the way he felt, which I was still trying to absorb and wrap my mind around.

  I trembled in his arms, but he didn’t say a word. If anything, he held me tighter as we swayed to the lyrics of the sexy song. Hours ago, I was at home in Florida, nervous and apprehensive of what this trip would entail.

  It felt like that was years ago.

  I yawned, though I knew the likelihood of sleep was nil.

  Kai took a step back and kissed the tip of my nose. “Come on. I’ll show you where the towels are and let you relax.”

  He held my hand as we walked into the bathroom. He showed me the small linen closet and some girly shower stuff he bought “in case I needed it.”

  “Thanks, Kai.” It still felt slightly awkward to be here, but at the same time, comfortable enough since Kai didn’t feel like a stranger.

  “Just holler if you need anything. I’ll be on the couch.”

  I nodded. Kai stood in the doorway and stared at me, a smile on his lips. I smiled back at him, the nervous butterflies in my stomach taking flight again.

  “I’m so glad you’re here.” He reached out and touched my cheek.

  Before I could respond, he was gone. I brought my fingers to my lips, replaying every second of our kisses. A blush crept up my chest and face, and I looked at myself in the mirror.

  My eyes were wide and lively. My face flushed, and my lips were pinker than usual. I didn’t have much makeup left on my face after this long day, but I looked happy.

  Healthy.

  Enamored.

  I stepped back and turned on the water, quickly sheddin
g my clothes. I looked down at my stomach, and that sick feeling came back. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and closed my eyes against what I saw. I felt instantly nauseous, the food from dinner churning angrily in my stomach.

  You ate too many carbs, Natalie. He’ll never want to see you like this. He thinks you’re beautiful, but he hasn’t seen what you look like under the façade…

  I had to hit the gym tomorrow morning. I thought Kai said something about the building having one, and I’d find it.

  She stood in front of me; her aging face wrinkled up in a sneer. My stomach constricted, and my heart clutched. Beau was around here somewhere. She couldn’t be here. He would see her.

  That couldn’t happen.

  “You have to give me more,” she said, stepping closer to me. Her breath was foul, and I couldn’t help but notice how old she looked. Worn. “I need it.”

  I looked behind me, knowing Beau would appear at any moment. I had to get rid of her. “No, you don’t. You just got plenty.”

  “No. I didn’t. I need more. I’ll always need more.” She looked behind me, and her eyes lit up. “There’s that piece of shit now. Wonder what he would say…”

  I pushed her. “Go. Now. I’ll send it to you, I promise. Just please leave him alone.”

  She laughed. “I’ve got you right where I want you. I will never understand why you want to protect him, but it works well for me. You better do it, Natalie, or I’ll come back.”

  “You stay away from both of us. Or else.”

  “Or else what?”

  “Natalie?” The voice from behind me made me freeze in horror.

  “No,” I said. “You can’t do this.”

  “Natalie.” A different voice said my name. I shook the cobwebs from my head. It sounded like Kai. He couldn’t be here. He couldn’t be part of this. “Wake up, Natalie.”

  I blinked my eyes and saw Kai’s face. “Kai?”

  He sat on the side of his bed, his hair tousled and his face grim.

  “Are you okay?” He reached over and smoothed my hair back from my face, and it all came rushing back to me. I was in New York. In Kai’s apartment. We’d kissed. Danced. He wasn’t gay in any way, shape, or form.

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to release the tension from the nightmare. It was all a dream. She wasn’t here. She didn’t threaten me. Beau didn’t see her. I kept her away for now.

  I moved to sit up, and Kai shifted, so I had room. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

  He smiled. “Don’t be sorry, Natalie. You were shouting out in your sleep, so I wanted to make sure you were okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

  No, I didn’t want to tell him about my crazy life and the lengths I would go to keep it bottled up. But, I did wish somehow that he could help me with it.

  “No. It’s nothing—just a dream I have sometimes.”

  He lifted my hand and turned it over before kissing my palm. The heat from his kiss traveled along my body, igniting a trail of fire.

  “Your heart rate is through the roof,” he commented, letting my comment go.

  That’s because of you. “I–I’m okay. I promise.”

  I couldn’t believe I finally fell asleep. I laid in his bed for so long, imagining what it would be like to feel him inside me, on top of me, next to me. It had been too long since I felt the affection of a man…too long since I allowed it.

  My face flamed at the memory of my daydream, my nightmare forgotten.

  Light came through the blinds, allowing me to see Kai was only wearing pajama pants. His well-defined torso was bare, the muscles of his chest and arms flexing as he shifted closer to me. He didn’t have any hair on his pecs, just a slight trail under his belly button heading south. I wondered absently if he shaved or if he just didn’t have much naturally. He didn’t have an ounce of body fat, his cut abs shredded even while sitting on the bed next to me.

  Don’t let him see your body. No matter what he said about being attracted to you, he won’t want you once he sees you. I was glad to be under the covers still, and wearing long yoga pants and a shirt.

  Kai continued to stare at me, his gaze changing from concerned to something…feral. Desire. That’s what I saw. He wanted me. I didn’t understand it. He could have anyone he wanted. He didn’t need to settle for me.

  I couldn’t deny I wanted him, too. I just wasn’t sure I could allow him access to that part of me.

  “Seeing you in my bed, Natalie…” Kai leaned over and brushed his lips against mine so quickly I almost missed it. Almost, except my body didn’t. The second his skin met mine my body shifted into overdrive. “I haven’t slept a wink all night, imagining this right here.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. I was tempted to admit I’d hardly slept, either. That lying in his bed made me think of all the things I wanted to do.

  “I don’t want to scare you,” he continued. “I’m sorry if me being too blunt is too much. I honestly don’t know what’s come over me. I’m not usually this forward, I promise. I’m a gentleman…”

  I covered his hand with mine to stop him. “You’re a complete gentleman, Kai. You may just be the nicest guy I’ve ever known.”

  Kai threw his head back and laughed. “Uh oh. Did I just get thrown into ‘nice guy’ territory? You know what happens then.”

  I loved how he teased me. “No, what happens?”

  He leaned closer to me, so close his breath tickled my cheek. He smelled of toothpaste and mouthwash. Nothing I’m sure I smelled of. “That ‘nice guy’ gets friend zoned forever.”

  “Is that what happened to you in the past?” I couldn’t see Kai ever being that forceful, alpha-type guy.

  He shrugged. “Sometimes. But if it didn’t work out, I never worried too much about it.” He cupped the side of my face, his thumb caressing my cheek. “But this time, I care. I don’t want to be friend zoned, Natalie. I can’t seem to stop pushing you, even though I said I wouldn’t. For that, I’m sorry.”

  My stomach constricted, my body at war with my heart. Here was this good-looking man, pouring out his feelings for me, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

  I knew what my body wanted, and maybe even my heart. But my mind was a whole other thing.

  “I’m not friend zoning you,” I said finally. “I just…I’m not sure how to—”

  Before I could complete the thought, Kai’s lips were on mine. I gasped into his mouth as he gripped the sides of my face like he thought I might run away if he didn’t. If he cared that my breath wasn’t fresh, it didn’t stop him. Before I realized what I was doing, my hands were traveling down his bare chest. Feeling his firm muscles under my fingertips fueled me to kiss him deeper and harder than before. It wasn’t until I reached the waistband of his pants that I pulled back like I just encountered a snake.

  You almost did, I thought and giggled into his mouth, despite how hot he made me. He paused and pulled back. “What’s funny?” The timbre of his voice, deep and throaty with desire, made the smile fall from my face.

  I shook my head. “Nothing. Never mind.”

  He sat back, and I couldn’t stop myself from perusing his to-die-for body. “Tell me.”

  It never ceased to amaze me—I always got myself in these embarrassing situations. “My hands have a mind of their own, and I realized I almost…” I couldn’t say it.

  “I loved every second of it and wished you didn’t stop. If you only knew just how hard it is to be good right now.”

  I opened and closed my mouth. He thought he wanted that with me, but I knew he’d think differently once he took off my clothes. I could only imagine the type of girls he’d been with in the past. Girls who didn’t look like me.

  “What’s that look for, Natalie? You don’t believe me?”

  I looked away. I couldn’t tell him my fears—he wouldn’t understand. Hell, I didn’t understand them most of the time.

  “Hey. Look at me.” When I didn’t turn back to him, he moved my face gently.
“I’m going to be completely transparent with you, all the time. I don’t expect you to tell me everything. I know it’s difficult for you, but I’m never going to hide what I’m thinking. You turn me on more than anyone ever has in my entire life. I’m not lying or feeding you a line. Not only because you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of being around, but because you just don’t see that about yourself. You’re humble, kind, compassionate, and a breath of fresh air.”

  Tears pooled in my eyes, and despite the fact I swore I wouldn’t be a girl in front of him, I couldn’t blink them away fast enough.

  “Hey.” Kai wrapped his bare arms around me, and I pressed my face into his warm skin. I loved the smell of him. I wanted this with him. For some odd reason, he wanted me. But, as always, something held me back. “Why don’t we get up and I’ll make us some breakfast? It’s early, but we can get a head start on the day and then get out of the office and do something fun.”

  My stomach growled, but I knew what I needed to do. “You said your building has a gym, right?”

  “Yes. I can go with you if you want? Then we can have breakfast.”

  I didn’t want him to see me in the gym, but I couldn’t figure out a way to say no. “Okay. Sounds good.” I wouldn’t eat breakfast, but I could pretend. I was good at that.

  “I’ll let you change and grab us some bottled water.” Kai walked to his drawers, grabbed a pair of workout shorts, shirt, and socks, and headed out of his room without another glance.

  He made this too easy. He didn’t pressure me, question me, or want more from me than I was able to give.

  The problem was—I knew better. It would only last so long, and he’d move on to someone else, which is what I needed to happen.

  It was the only way.

  Even if I wanted him more than I may want anything else.

  Chapter Nine

  Kai

  I watched her pound out mile after mile on the treadmill, her long legs flying as she raced toward an unknown destination. Her short gym shorts and tight tank top made my mouth water and my hormones go haywire. Her muscles constricted as she ran, and I found myself transfixed by her body. She was thin—maybe even too thin—but I wanted her.