Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  “What’s going on?” Beau stopped next to me first.

  “I don’t know. They took her in a few minutes ago but wouldn’t let me stay with her. The nurse said she’d come out and update me once she knew something.”

  “What happened?” Mac asked.

  As I recounted the events of the prior episode and then today, they listened intently.

  “This is my fault,” Beau said.

  “How do you figure?” I said.

  “Because, you told me you were worried about her. I didn’t take it seriously. Even April told me she was concerned about her weight. You both tried to tell me, and I didn’t listen.”

  “Hey.” Johnny stepped up and put his hand on Beau’s shoulder. “You can’t beat yourself up. We’re all around her every day, and none of us knew something was going on.”

  Tanner nodded. “Yeah. I mean, we know she’s thin and eats like a bird, but how were we to know something was wrong? It’s not like she would tell us.”

  We all absorbed that information for a moment.

  “He’s right,” April said. “No one’s to blame for this, as much as I want to say it’s my fault, too. She’s my friend, my best friend, and I never figured it out.” She looked at Mac. “We knew something was going on.”

  “Yeah, we did. But never did I think it’d be this serious.”

  “We don’t know what’s going on, so don’t jump to conclusions,” Bex said. “She could just be dehydrated or fighting an illness. Getting all hyped up on what we should’ve known isn’t going to help much less change anything. Let’s wait and see what the doctors say.”

  Their security walked over and motioned for us to follow a young nurse down the hallway and into a room. “You guys can wait here.” She looked back and forth between the band members, trying to get up the guts to say something.

  “Front row tickets to you and ten of your closest friends with backstage access to the concert of your choice if you tell no one we’re here,” Bex said, reading the girl’s wide-eyed stare.

  The girl nodded. “You got it.”

  Bex crossed her arms, the “don't take any shit” stance Bex was known for. “I mean it. No one finds out we’re here.”

  “Yes. I promise. I’ll even get some drinks and snacks for you and bring them in. I’ll tell the nurses where you are so they can update you once they know about Ms. Anderson.”

  Bex gave the girl a small smile. “Thank you.”

  As the door shut behind her, everyone turned somberly back to one another.

  I paced the room, unable to wait another second to find out what was going on. “Why are they taking so long?”

  Mac placed her hand on my arm, stopping my pacing. “They’re doing whatever they need to do to make her well, Kai. She’ll be okay. She has to be.”

  “She has to be,” Beau repeated, running his hands through his hair. April wrapped her arms around him, and they stood silently.

  After what seemed like hours—but was probably more like thirty minutes—the door opened, and a doctor entered.

  Once he saw who it was in the room, his eyes opened wider, and he changed his expression. “Hello. You’re the family of Natalie Anderson?”

  “Yes.” Beau stepped forward. “I’m her brother. What’s going on?”

  “Natalie is extremely malnourished, and that has caused multiple health problems. One, her heart is having an arrhythmia. That means it’s not beating correctly. We need to stabilize that with an external pacemaker while she’s here in the hospital. Two, she has extremely low blood pressure and is severely anemic. We’re monitoring her for possible seizure activity. We have her stable for now, so we’re transferring her up to ICU to run more tests and find out what else might be involved. In her condition, we’re also worried about kidney function.”

  I held my breath, waiting for him to be done speaking. My God. “ICU,” I repeated. His eyes shifted to mine. “This is serious.”

  “I’m afraid so. Her body is in various stages of shutting down.” He looked around the room. “Did any of you see signs of her starving herself? This is a classic case of severe anorexia nervosa. Once we get her stable and on the upswing, I’ll be getting her a psych consult. She’ll need to be admitted to rehab when she leaves here, or she could die. It’s that serious.”

  “We just recently realized how thin she was getting, and I noticed she didn’t eat much,” April said. “But, we never thought it was this bad.”

  I spoke up. “I, too, noticed she didn’t eat much and exercised a lot. She had that one short spell last night but she said she was fine afterward. We thought maybe she didn’t drink enough water.”

  The doctor looked at us, a grim look on his face. “This isn’t recent. She’s more than likely been doing this for years, maybe a decade.”

  “I just thought she ate really healthy and was thin,” Beau whispered. “This is all my fault.”

  “No, Beau.” April spoke up. “It’s no one’s fault.”

  “She’s right,” the doctor said. “Someone who is anorexic is good at hiding it and making it look like they're just healthy.”

  “She hated pictures,” I said, remembering how hard it was for me to get her to send me one. She wouldn’t let me take but one picture while she was in New York, and we had to retake it ten times before she approved it. Even then she made me promise to never post it on any social media.

  I currently had it as the wallpaper on my phone so I could stare at her all the time.

  All eyes swung to me. “You’re right,” Beau said. “She never wanted pictures, even when we were teenagers. How did I miss all this?”

  “Don’t beat yourselves up,” the doctor said. “She didn’t want you to know and became a pro at hiding it. But now that you do know, you have to be her support system. She’ll more than likely resist treatment, and you’ll all have to be strong for her. You’ll have to show her tough love, even when she hates you for it. Because she will.”

  “Can we force her to go to rehab?” Beau knew what it was like to fight against something because he lived it.

  “If the psychiatrist deems her unfit to make the decision, yes. We can. She won’t like it, and it may take her longer if we force it than if she agrees on her own. So what we’ll focus on is getting her to the place where she sees she needs help after we get her stabilized.”

  His pager went off, and he checked it. “I have to go. I’ll have my nurse get you once we get her upstairs, but she’ll need to rest. You’re welcome to stay, but I can only let a couple of you in for a few minutes at a time.”

  “We aren’t leaving her,” Bex said. “Even if we have to stay in the waiting room, Natalie will know we’re here.”

  When the door shut behind him, I crumpled, the chair behind me barely catching me as my body gave way. I held my head in my hands and let the tears go, not caring that I cried like a baby in front of her friends.

  “Hey.” I felt Beau sit down next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. He sniffled, and I knew he was destroyed, probably even more than me. “I know, bro. I feel the same way. There wasn’t any way you could’ve known, Kai. But me? I should’ve seen it. She’s my sister. All my life, she took care of me, and I didn’t know anything was wrong. What kind of brother am I?”

  April sat next to him, and before we knew it, the entire band crowded around. “You can’t blame yourself,” she said to Beau.

  “I do blame myself,” he said. “It’s my fault. She spent so many years consumed by me and my problems. I did this to her. She never took time for herself because of me.”

  “Beau Oliver.” April’s firm but soft voice stopped his tirade. “Stop. This isn’t going to help her. We all have to turn our energy toward getting her through this, not finding ways to place to blame.”

  I lifted my head and looked at Beau. He finally nodded, though I wasn’t sure he agreed because I could think of nothing other than how I royally screwed this up.

  I shot straight up as the door opened. Hours
ago, they moved us to another private room on the same floor as the ICU, but they still hadn’t let us in to see her. They were running tests, they told us, and ensuring she was stable. Bex was monitoring social media to make sure none of this was leaked to the press, and I called Barney and let him know I wasn’t returning to work tomorrow. He took care of calling lawyers and making sure this was kept silent. No one but me left this room, just in case someone else in the hospital saw them and created a media circus. That was all Natalie needed.

  She was an overly private person to begin with. She wouldn’t want to be part of a media scandal. Everything Jaded Regret was hot news.

  Everyone rubbed their eyes, none of us sleeping but emotionally exhausted after the day’s events.

  “Hello, everyone. We have a few more answers,” he said. His scrubs had “Dr. McMillian” on the pocket. He wasn’t the same doctor from the emergency room. “She’s had some seizures from lack of nutrition. We think we have those stopped, but we’re monitoring brain waves and making sure there’s been no permanent damage. We have her on several intravenous drips to provide nutrition and hydration. We want to give her some blood to help the anemia.” He looked to Beau. “I’ll need your signature to make that happen.”

  Beau nodded, not saying a word.

  “Her kidneys were also affected, but we’re hoping as she gets the proper nutrition, they’ll straighten out on their own. That’ll be a wait-and-see type thing. Her heart is still in an arrhythmic rhythm, so we placed an external pacemaker to try to regulate it. If that, coupled with the controlled nutrition doesn’t help stabilize her, she may need to have a pacemaker implanted permanently.”

  Everyone sat silently for a few beats, absorbing the information. I didn’t understand it all, but it didn’t sound good.

  “Is she awake?” Beau broke the silence.

  Dr. McMillian shook his head. “No. We don’t want her awake right now. Her body has a lot of work to do, so we’re keeping her sedated. We’ll probably bring her to consciousness tomorrow and see what her mental state is like. If she’s ready, we’ll have her talk to the psychiatrist. It’s just going to have to be one step at a time for right now.”

  “Can we go see her?” I had to lay my eyes on her and see she was breathing and was there. My Natalie. My love.

  “One at a time, and only two of you tonight. She needs to rest.”

  Beau and I looked at each other. I know he needed to go first. He was her brother.

  “You go,” we both said at the same time. He nodded at me, and I smiled.

  “Thank you.” I knew it was hard for him to let me go first, but damn, did I appreciate it.

  He put his hand on my arm. “You love her. She’ll listen to you.”

  “You love her, too,” I said.

  “I failed her,” he whispered and his voice cracked. The emotion hung heavy in the air.

  “No, you didn’t,” I reaffirmed.

  I turned and followed the doctor down the long hallway. I hated hospitals. The antiseptic smell, coupled with the sickness and death that occurred within the walls, and I wanted nothing more than to take her back home and love her until she got better.

  But I knew that wouldn’t happen. More than likely, I wouldn’t share a bed with Natalie for quite some time.

  “Here you go.” Dr. McMillian indicated the room. “Only ten minutes, okay?”

  I nodded and stepped forward. The doors swished open, and I stepped in the doorway, looking at her still form. Her chest moved up and down with each breath. Wires were hooked to her chest and head. IV bags pumped much-needed nutrients into her starved body. She looked so small, so fragile lying in that stark white bed. Her blond hair almost blended in with the pillow, as did her pale skin.

  Her cheeks and lips I loved so much weren’t their normal hue—they were almost translucent.

  “Oh, Natalie.” I walked up to the bed and leaned over, pressing my lips against her cool forehead. “You scared the shit out of me, love.” I didn’t want to think about if this would’ve happened after I’d left, and she was alone, walking the beach. I couldn’t bear the thought of her suffering alone on the sand. “Do you get how much I love you? I don’t think you do.”

  I traced my fingers down her pale cheek and to her full lips. “I’m so sorry, Natalie. We should’ve seen it, shouldn’t we? Your control. This is the ultimate control, isn’t it, love? You couldn’t control what happened to you or Beau, but you could control your body. What you ate. How you exercised, and when. I get it, Natalie. I totally get it.” I lifted her hand and kissed the cool skin. “But you have to get better. You have to see this isn’t the right way for control.” I kissed her again. “I’ll be here, every step of the way, okay? I promise. Even when you don’t want me to be. Beau told me you’d push me away, even before this. I’m prepared for it. You’ve never had anyone fight for you before, but I’m telling you, I’m not going anywhere. No matter how hard this gets for you, my love won’t change.”

  I watched the numbers on her monitors, never so glad in my life to see the numbers going up and down. Despite her issues, she was alive. As serious as it was, she would recover with medical help. I would make sure of it.

  The door swished open behind me, and I turned. A nurse smiled at me. “Hi. I’m just here to give her some blood.” I watched as she added another bag to her IV stand and then hooked it to her line. The blood immediately began streaming into her body, and I prayed for it to give her the life she desperately needed.

  “Ten-minute limit,” she said before walking back out the doors.

  I knew I had to give Beau a chance to come in and see his sister. “Natalie, I have to go, but just know I don’t want to. If they’d let me, I’d sleep with you in my arms, so when you woke up, you’d know I’m still here for you—that you’re not facing this alone. I know I upset you before, but I hope you realize it’s only because I care so much about you. I promise I’ll be here the second they let me back in the room, and I won’t leave until you’re better.”

  I kissed her lips, wishing she’d kiss me back. “Get better, love. I wish I could show you just how much I love you and make you believe it. No matter what you think of yourself, you need to remember it’s a lie you’re telling yourself. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, and you can’t do anything to make me think otherwise.”

  I stood in the doorway for another few minutes, watching her still body breathe and fight through her many ailments.

  “You’re everything to me,” I whispered to her unconscious form.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Natalie

  I blinked my eyes open, squinting as the bright sun assaulted my pupils. I shifted, trying to turn away from the sun, and a pinch in my arm made me stop in my tracks. Then I heard beeping.

  My eyes adjusted and I looked around the stark white room and down at myself. I wore a gown and slept on white sheets. Looking to the side, I saw an IV pole with three different things on it, leading directly into my arm. Leads stuck out of my gown and attached to a monitor above my head.

  I wracked my memory trying to recall what had happened. I was obviously in a hospital, but didn’t know why. I couldn’t remember having been in a car accident or anything else that would have landed me here.

  Alone in the room, unease pricked down my spine. I was clueless about what was going on and searched for the last memory I could cling to.

  Kai. The last thing I remembered was telling him I needed space and telling him to go to my house. I sat on the beach but everything was blank after that.

  My heart accelerated as I fought to remember, and I heard the monitor making an ungodly loud noise. The doors to my room opened, and a nurse stepped in.

  “Hello, Ms. Anderson. I’m Bea, your nurse today. I see you’re awake.” She walked to the monitor and furrowed her brow. “Are you feeling anxious?”

  “What am I doing here?” My voice sounded foreign to me like I hadn’t had a drink of water in days.

 
“Well, sweetie, you were unconscious when you arrived. When you were transferred to ICU, you had multiple things going on.” She wrote some things on a chart and turned back to me.

  I was lost between the fight with Kai and the sterile room around me. “What’s wrong with me?”

  “I’ll let Dr. McMillan know you’re awake. I’m sure he’ll want to come talk to you, and he can answer your questions.”

  She didn’t want to tell me. Great. I couldn’t remember what happened after sitting on the beach, and now the nurse was being evasive. If I arrived unconscious, I wondered how I got here and who had found me. Maybe I had gone back to the house, but nothing came to me.

  The questions swirling in my head were killing me.

  “Is my brother here?”

  She smiled again. “I believe your entire band is here, waiting for you. They’ve been staked out since you were brought in. Them and a delicious looking guy who asks every five minutes if you’re awake.”

  Kai. He was here. He didn’t go home. Wait. “How long ago was that?”

  Bea checked the chart again. “You were brought in night before last.”

  I’d been here for two days unconscious but Kai hadn’t left. He hadn’t gone home to his job.

  “I’ll page the doctor right now,” Bea said. “Shouldn’t be too long unless he’s in an emergency.”

  “Can I see my brother?”

  She smiled. “Once the doctor sees you and clears you for visits, yes. I know all of them are ready to see you awake and okay.”

  I lay my head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling, willing the details to come to me.

  When the doctor walked in minutes later, I still didn’t remember.

  “Hello, Natalie. I’m Dr. McMillian. How are you feeling?”

  “Anxious. Stressed. What am I doing here? What happened?”

  He looked at my chart and up at my monitors. “It looks like you’ve had a few more arrhythmias, but less than before. And the seizures have stopped, so the medicine is working.”