Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  “She’s okay. Coming to terms with things.”

  “Can we all go see her?” Bex asked.

  “Yeah, but we need to give her a few with Kai.”

  They all nodded, and I smiled back at them. “Thanks, guys. I promise I won’t hog her forever.”

  “Hog her as long as you want. If you put a smile on her face, we’re good,” Mac said.

  I looked at Beau. “How is she really?”

  “Scared,” he said. “It’s terrifying for her to admit she needs help. But she sees what she needs to do. I’m telling you, bro, she’s going to try to give you an out. I talked to her, but it’s just the way she is. She doesn’t want to be a burden to anyone, which is why we went this many years not knowing what was really happening.”

  “I’m not letting her shut me out.”

  “I know. I’m just telling you, she’s going to try. And when Natalie makes her mind up about something…well, I don’t think I need to tell you what happens.”

  I chuckled. “You don’t. I know. But she’s not in control of my feelings. She can’t make me stop loving her, no matter what she says or does.”

  Beau clapped me on the shoulder. “I like those words.” He nodded his head in approval. “You’ll make a great brother-in-law.”

  “If I have anything to say about it, that’s exactly what’ll happen. Natalie will never wonder if she’s loved or if anyone in the world is there for her because I’ll be standing with her the whole time. Starting now.”

  I walked down the hall to her room and pushed the door open. She sat in her bed, looking more like my gorgeous Natalie than the last time I’d seen her. Her hair was brushed, and she wore a pink nightgown. While she didn’t have any makeup on, her cheeks and lips were radiant again.

  My love.

  A tentative smile played on her lips as I closed the door behind me. I almost jogged to her bedside, needing to feel her arms around me as much as I needed my next breath.

  “Natalie.” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her slight body to me, careful not to disrupt her wires or IV. She melted into me, her nails scratching my back as she clung to me.

  “I’m sorry, Kai. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.” She spoke the words into my chest, and my heart absorbed them.

  “You don’t have to be sorry, love. Shhh.”

  “Yes, I do. You were right, and I just didn’t want to admit it. I never admitted it to anyone before, but you saw through me. Just like you always do. I was mean to you, and I’m sorry.”

  I leaned back and lifted her chin so I could look into those beautiful green eyes. “It felt like my heart stopped beating when I saw you collapse on the sand. And when you wouldn’t wake up…Natalie, I thought I’d lose my mind. I love you so much. If I didn’t know it before, I knew it then. The thought of losing you made me go out of my mind.”

  “Thank you for saving me,” she whispered. “If you weren’t out there…”

  “Shhh, don’t think about it that way. I was put there for a reason. Do you believe in fate?”

  Natalie shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s hard to say. Was it fate that made my dad hang himself and make my mother be a hateful person and abandon us? I would hate to say it was. Was it fate that put us on that path to meet Bex and then eventually Tanner and Johnny? Or fate that put us where we are today? It’s hard to tell. I’d like to think hard work got us where we are today, and never giving up.”

  “I understand that. But I think I was put in your path for a reason, and you in mine. I can be strong when you can’t, and vice versa.”

  “When are you not strong?”

  “When you collapse and are unresponsive.”

  Natalie put her hand on the side of my face, a sad smile on her lips. “I have a lot to work through, Kai.”

  “I know you do, love.”

  “It’s not going to be an easy road.”

  “I didn’t ask for an easy road. As long as I’m on the road with you, I don’t care if it’s full of potholes or not.”

  Natalie smiled again, and my heart skipped a beat. She had to know how I felt, and I’d tell her until she got it. “I love everything about you, do you know that? I love your beautiful hair, your flawless skin, how your big eyes look at me when you don’t have the words to tell me what you’re thinking, but it’s written out like letters on a chalkboard in your eyes. I love how your skin flushes when I’m around, and when you smile so deep, I get that dimple. I love when you bite your lip because I’ve turned you on. I love you.”

  “You’re too sweet.”

  “I mean every bit of it.” I kissed her softly. “You have no idea how relieved I am to be sitting on this bed, talking to you. When they came out and told us all the things happening to your body, I lost it. I’d never been so scared in all my life.”

  “I agreed to go into treatment,” she said. “For thirty days.”

  I lifted her hand and kissed it. “That’s great, Natalie.”

  “That doesn’t mean I’ll be better when I get out. I’ll struggle with this forever.”

  “If you’re trying to scare me away, it isn’t going to work.”

  She shrugged. “I’m just telling you I wouldn’t blame you if you want to take a step back and see how things go after I get past all this. I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to you while I’m in there, and it’s not fair to ask you to wait…”

  “You think I’d throw away what we have so quickly?”

  “No. I just don’t want you to feel stuck with me, Kai.”

  “Let me explain something,” I said. “And I want you to listen. Okay?” When she nodded, I continued. “I’m not going anywhere. It doesn’t matter if we’d been together one day, one week, or one hundred years, I’m not going to leave you. I know that’s what you're used to; when the going gets tough, people who say they love you leave. But that’s not me. I’m not that guy.”

  Tears shimmered in her eyes. “I can’t believe this.”

  “Believe what, love?”

  “I can’t believe all this happened to me, and you’re here. I can’t believe after so many years of hating myself and punishing myself, I found someone who loves me. For me. I never thought that would happen for me.”

  God, this beautifully broken woman wounded me with the way she thought of herself. “Believe it, Natalie. Now come here.” I lay back against her pillows and adjusted her so she could rest her head on my chest. Her hair tickled my nose as I kissed the top of her head, and I breathed a deep sigh of relief.

  She was in my arms.

  She’d be okay.

  Chapter Twenty

  Natalie

  “I don’t want to go.” I wiped the tears from my eyes. I felt like a small child, not a thirty-year-old woman who knew what I needed to do to make this better.

  Dr. Villeux nodded her head. “I know you don’t, Natalie. But you know you have to. In thirty days, you’ll be stronger and better capable of taking on your world again. And if you aren’t, we’ll reevaluate that then. I’ll be in constant contact with your doctors there. It’s a great place. But for you to get better, you have to give it your all. Your health issues are no joke. The only way to make them better is to get better. Eat healthy food. Exercise healthily. And change your thinking so you know your triggers and how to avoid them.”

  I knew she was right, but thinking about changing everything I’ve done for most of my life made me feel out of control. And when I felt out of control…well, that’s what got me here in the first place.

  Physically, I felt a lot better today, getting stronger every day. I had daily therapy sessions with Dr. Villeux, and I met with a nutritionist a few days ago to get started on eating correctly. I still wore the external pacemaker and would be monitored while in rehab. If my heart rate stayed consistent, they would remove it.

  I even ate breakfast this morning—a cup of fruit and yogurt. And I didn’t feel too fat yet. I only wished to get out of this bed and run a few miles.

  All the IV’s
were out, and I was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. I’d be transferred to the therapy center in just a few minutes, and I wouldn’t see anyone I loved for thirty days.

  I hadn’t been away from Beau that long since he was hospitalized when we were kids, and even then, it was only two weeks.

  The longest two weeks of hell in my entire life, being in foster care in a strange home without the only person who ever got me.

  Kai.

  Beau was no longer the only person who got me in life, and thinking his name made my heart ache and my stomach constrict simultaneously. On one hand, I wanted to set him free, so he didn’t have to be burdened with someone who had so many issues. On the other, I wanted him like nothing I ever wanted in my whole life, and I hoped and prayed I could get better so I could be happy with him. He said he loved me, and I believed him, but it was still hard for me to process. I had to change what I believed love looked like. If I looked at my band, my family, I could see what love was.

  But what that would look like for me, I couldn’t even fathom right now. My head couldn’t wrap around what I would have to do to “get better,” if that was even possible, much less how to accept the love Kai offered.

  I would do my best to make it happen, though, because I didn’t ever want to be in the place again where I collapsed and wasn’t able to be revived, all because I didn’t take care of myself.

  That scared me enough to want to try to change my life.

  “Anything else you want to talk about before you leave?”

  I tapped my finger on my leg. “You have doctor-patient confidentiality, right?”

  Her eyes widened at my question. “Yes.”

  I nodded. She and I talked about a lot of things, starting way back with my childhood, but there was still more. A lot more.

  “I think I love Kai,” I said. “But I don’t know how to deal with that.”

  She smiled. “That’s great you’re able to recognize the feeling. Have you told him?”

  “No. I can’t.”

  She frowned. “Why can’t you? He’s told you he loves you, right? He’s been here every single day, showing you he loves you.”

  “Yes, he has. I can’t tell him because that makes me vulnerable. And I’m afraid to be in love with someone—that gives him power over me.”

  She rested her hand on mine. “Natalie, over the next month you’re going to work on letting go of these things and finding healthy ways to attach yourself to someone. So all I can say right now is, don’t close the door on this, even if you’re tempted to. Give yourself time.”

  “Okay.” I shifted on the bed. “There’s one more thing.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “You know my mother?”

  “Yes. I know what happened with her greatly affected you, and I can understand why. She was the one person who was supposed to protect you and show you unconditional love, and she turned her back on you. But this is another thing you’re going to have to learn to come to terms with so you can move on. You can’t let her run your life anymore.”

  “That’s the thing,” I said, sucking in a shaky breath. “She does run my life.”

  “She’s been gone out of your life for a long time, Natalie. You have to let that pain go.”

  She didn’t understand, but I didn’t expect her to. No one would expect the truth.

  “I’ve kept this secret for the last five years,” I said. Dr. Villeux raised her eyebrow at my admission but stayed quiet. “After Jaded Regret got popular, she found me.” I paused, waiting for her reaction. She stared at me but said nothing.

  “One day, I got an email. It was very cryptic, and I didn’t understand it, so I deleted it. A few days later, I got another one. Though it was still cryptic, I knew who it was.”

  “What did she want?”

  I looked away, out the window at the swaying palm trees. I longed for the beach behind my house and walking hand in hand with Kai down the shore.

  “Money.”

  “Did you send it to her?”

  I nodded. “Yes. I’ve been sending her money for five years.”

  “Why, Natalie?”

  “To keep her away from my brother.”

  “Beau doesn’t know?”

  I snapped my eyes back to her. “No. He can’t ever know.”

  “She can’t hurt him now, Natalie.”

  Yes, she can. I can’t tell you the rest because it’ll destroy all of us.

  “When was the last time you paid her?”

  “A few weeks ago.”

  “So she always comes back for more?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you know she will never go away, right? She’ll always make more demands until it’s impossible for you to meet them. So, I’ll ask you one more question. What is the worst case scenario if you don’t continue doing this? Because I can guarantee you holding onto this toxic relationship isn’t going to help your recovery. You don’t need the stress of wondering when she’s going to come back out of the woodwork.”

  The worst case scenario is beyond anything I can fathom. “I know, but I can’t let her go to the press.”

  “What if we got help from the authorities?”

  “No! You can’t tell anyone. You promised this was confidential.”

  Dr. Villeux held up her hands. “I’m not saying anything, Natalie. I’m merely suggesting what you may want to think about doing.”

  “I don’t want you to write this in my file, either.” I shook my head. “What the hell was I thinking? I should’ve never said anything.”

  “Natalie, stop. It’s okay. I’m glad you said something. It shows me you’re starting to shift your thinking and realize some of the things that could hinder your recovery.”

  My heart pounded in my chest, and my hands shook. I couldn’t believe I was so stupid. I knew better than to tell her anything about my mother—nothing good could come of it. Of course, she’d tell me to stop paying her. I never knew when she would disappear for good, and each time, I had to hope someday, she would.

  As long as Beau was happy and protected, that was all that mattered.

  “If you feel like talking to your therapist while you’re up there about this, please do. But I won’t say anything. You have my word. You’re welcome to call me anytime, too. Just think about what I said. Moving on and getting better means cutting out things that keep you from making progress—anything toxic. ”

  “Thank you.” I took a deep breath, still chastising myself. I swore the medicine they gave me must’ve made me loose-lipped.

  The door swung open, and a man appeared. “Natalie Anderson? We’re here to transport you.”

  I wanted to hold on to my bed and refuse to go like a young child who didn’t want to do something. I wanted to beg and plead for Kai, for Beau, or for both of them to save me from having to do this. But I couldn’t. It was time for me to stand up and do something for myself. To move on from the pain of my past and give up control to someone else for a little while.

  Dr. Villeux stood and held out her arm for me. I allowed her to help me up, and we walked together out of the room, headed toward the first step of my future.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Kai

  “Kai, can you come here?” April’s voice carried through the studio. Today was the day Natalie would move into the inpatient rehabilitation center, and I was helping the band go through emails and make sure nothing pressing needed to be done.

  Barney was very patient with me about missing work. I was still working as much as I could from here, but he told me to take my time making sure Natalie was okay. So far, the press hadn’t found out about her being hospitalized, and I credited the amazing staff at the hospital for that. Everyone who came in contact with Jaded Regret signed an NDA, for Natalie’s privacy. She didn’t need this flashed all over every magazine and news outlet in the country, especially as private as she was.

  Since the band got to see her, everyone but Beau and I stayed away from the hospital. As mu
ch as it pained them, it was what was best. When Beau and I came, we went in a back entrance used for food delivery and took a private elevator for the staff. No one knew who I was, but since we often came together, it was better that way.

  Her facility was a few hours away from here. It was supposed to be the best in the state, so that’s where she would go. She wasn’t allowed any visitors while she was there, which would kill me, but I understood. I already had things scheduled to be delivered to her daily during her stay.

  We were allowed to talk to each other once a week. The rest of the time, Natalie had to focus on what she needed to do, not worry about the rest of us. I knew it was best for her, but I would miss hearing her voice something fierce.

  I walked into the office where April sat at the computer. She frowned at the screen and turned when she heard me walk in. I saw the worry lines on her face and my gut turned to stone.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know,” April said. “This email I just saw is very weird. I wondered if you knew anything about it.”

  She pushed herself back so I could see the screen.

  Natalie,

  You know what I want. More this time, too. Same way as before, but double the amount. I have someone that says he’s got a connection to get me a book deal. They’d probably even write the book for me. Imagine the stories I could tell. It would ruin your precious, wouldn’t it?

  You have one week from the date on this email to wire it to me. You know what happens to your secrets if I don’t get it.

  “What the…?” I shifted my gaze over to April. “Is this some sort of scam?”

  “I don’t think so,” April said quietly. “I searched her files to see if this email came up before, and I found an entire file just like it. They date back years. The last one before this one was just a few weeks ago. She had them in a folder marked ‘Private.’”

  Realization hit me like a ton of bricks. “Someone’s extorting money from her.”

  “It sure sounds like it. There’s never any name, but it seems personal. Like Natalie knows this person, and whatever threat this person is hanging over her head is powerful. It’s obvious she’s been sending money for years.”