A Missing Heart

by Shari J. Ryan

  Hunter places his hand down on my shoulder and pulls in a long inhale. “God, what a week, man. I don’t think I’ve been so scared in a real long time.”

  “Where’s Charlotte and the girls?” I ask.

  “It was a fight, but I made them stay back home. This would have been too much for the girls. Olive and Charlotte have taken turns calling me once an hour for the past week I’ve been here, though. They’ve been going crazy.”

  Mom and Dad walk up behind Hunter, and they’re both trying their hardest to hide their emotions. I have to say, they’ve gotten pretty good at doing that over the years. What Mom doesn’t realize is that I can tell she’s been crying for a week straight by the puffy bags under her aging eyes. And Dad, the man of no tears, he looks pretty similar. “I’m okay,” I tell them.

  “You know, we went your whole life with no real incidents other than a couple of broken bones here and there, but it looks like you were just saving it all up for this year, huh?” Dad says.

  “I like to get everything done with at once. You know that,” I say, trying to laugh, even though it hurts to do so.

  “You have quite a girl out there, you know?” Mom says. “That Cammy never ceases to amaze me. She’s amazing with Gavin and Ever.” Mom’s words keep flowing but my head is in the clouds, likely for more than one reason, and it’s a lot to take in all at once. “My God, I’ve gotten to know that little girl of yours over the last few days and she’s spectacular. So smart and beautiful inside and out. This week has brought us all together so closely, and now we have you back and it’s just perfect.”

  “I’m feeling a little tired,” I tell them.

  “You were just asleep for a whole damn week, son,” Dad says. “What do you have to be tired about?” He laughs a little, then grabs a nurse as she’s walking by. “Hi, uh, is it safe for him to go back to sleep at this point?”

  “We’re going to be running some more tests in just a moment. I’m afraid he won’t have the chance to sleep until we have all the results,” she says.

  For some reason, I was under the impression that everything was okay now that I’m awake. What tests and what outcomes are possible? Does Cammy know all of this?

  “Oh,” Dad says. “I wasn’t aware there were more tests.”

  “Standard procedure,” the nurse says with a tight-lipped smile. “Don’t worry, sir. We’ll have him back here in a jiffy.”

  The nurse clears everyone out of the room, and it’s the last thing I want. My mind has been blank for the past several days, but I feel it in my heart that I missed them. With every piece of comprehension accumulating, my nerves are fraying one by one throughout my body. Slight pains, discomfort, aches, and fear—it’s all there, bubbling in my gut, making me hyper aware that everything is fully functioning to the best of my knowledge right now.

  “We want to do another scan of your brain, as well some blood work, AJ. I would expect to stay put for another few days here, but I’m guessing you’ll be up and about in no time,” the nurse says.

  “Okay,” I tell her.

  The process of the head scan and blood work feels like a haze while I listen to medical jargon float above my head, making little sense. It feels like hours have passed by the time I arrive back in my room.

  I was told a physical therapist would be in shortly to help me up and get me moving around a bit, and they said I’d be sore and crampy from lying still so long, but a week isn’t much to be overly worried about.

  Cammy, Ever, and Gavin have returned and are making themselves comfortable on the guest chairs next to me. “I brought you some clothes,” Cammy says, placing a small duffel bag down at the edge of the bed. “I thought you might feel more like yourself and a little more comfortable if you had them.”

  I’m not sure I know how to respond to her kindness and thoughtfulness. With Tori, it was always me who put her on a pedestal. I thought that’s what a husband was supposed to do to keep a marriage healthy. Dad seemed to drill that into my head enough, but I’m also wondering if he was fearful of me ending up divorced for a second time before turning thirty. With my track record, I can’t blame him for that concern if he did have it. However, going through the motions of two failed marriages and now falling into something old, but new with Cammy, I’ve learned what’s crucial…it takes two to make something work. Tori never tried. I did. I know I did. Cammy, though, she tries so hard, and we’ve hardly considered ourselves anything more than the two stupid teenagers who were once in love and gave up a child together; yet, it seems clear that she’d go to the ends of the world for me, and I know without a doubt in my mind, I would do the same for her. She makes me want to jump through hoops of fire just to see her smile, but the best part is, she wouldn’t ask for something so ridiculous. It’s easy, and I think easy is the way it’s supposed to be.

  “Do you know what it means to me, realizing how much you care?”

  “I didn’t think twice about it, silly. You needed me and I’m here. What else even matters?” And that’s exactly it. It’s easy.

  “Cam,” I groan, while trying to sit up a bit. “I want to do things right by you and Ever. I know we aren’t ready to jump into something huge right now, but I need to be with you, like all the time. I’m not sure I can handle the standard dating procedure. I feel like we need to skip a few steps, because we’ve been there and done that, right?” I groan through my movement. “I know how you feel about shortcuts, though.”

  She leans forward and rests her forearms on the bed. “What are you saying, AJ?” The small smile on her face tells me she just wants to hear me say it all.

  “God, life is so damn short. Clearly,” I say, pointing down at myself. “I don’t want the in-between shit. I want to be with you. I want to live with you, start a life with you, and…I don’t know, we’ll do the rest of it right, but in the meantime can we at least play house until then?”

  “You guys are gross,” Ever says, giving us both a snide look.

  “Shush over there,” I tell her. “No one asked you, grumpy.”

  “You want to play house?” Cammy repeats.

  “Yeah, I’ll be the dad, you be the mom, and the rest will just fall into place.”

  “I think I like this idea,” she whispers.

  “Mr. Cole, we need to take you back for one more test, immediately. I’m sorry, but your family is going to have to wait for you back in the waiting room again,” a nurse says with eagerness.

  “What’s going on?” I ask.

  Cammy stands up, lifting Gavin, placing him on her hip, and Ever joins the two of them, placing her arm around Cammy’s back. “What’s happening?” Cammy presses.

  “We may have spotted another area that is still bleeding in your brain. We need to have a closer look and—I’ll let a doctor explain the rest.”

  I feel like the wind has been knocked out of my lungs. I guess I was lucky enough to sleep through all of this shit in the first place, but it looks like I’m not going to be so lucky this time around.

  I’m rushed back into the same testing area I was in earlier. They use a different machine this time, and there are more doctors circulating around the monitors in the adjacent room. I feel like a lab rat.

  “Hey,” I shout. “Can someone please tell me what’s going on? I’m kind of freaking out over here.”

  A doctor makes his way over and removes the nearby machines. “AJ, there’s another small blood leak that went unnoticed the other day during your original procedure. It may be because it’s on a different side of your brain than what we were working on, or it may have started bleeding after the fact. I’m uncomfortable leaving it the way it is, even though it only shows a small amount of blood. In any case, it’s not an ideal situation to put you back under anesthesia right now so soon after being comatose. We can risk it, or there is another alternative.”

  “What’s the alternative?” I ask, scared to hear the answer.

  “There are some patients,
mostly those with brain tumors, who cannot be put under anesthesia for the risk of complications. While the possible complications are the same in your situation, I would feel more comfortable sedating you and performing the surgery while you are mostly conscious.”

  “I’d have to be awake for brain surgery?” I clarify. Because, shit, I’m not sure I’m mentally capable of going through that.

  “We will sedate you, but I need to know if you think you have the tolerance to remain calm?”

  “How am I supposed to know something like that?”

  “You know yourself better than I, son, and I want to give you the option because the alternative is more dangerous, in my professional opinion.”

  “When will we have to do this?”

  “Right away. Bleeding in the brain can cause many issues we don’t want to encounter.”

  I nod my head, answering without answering. He’s giving me a choice; yet, I don’t feel like I have much of a choice. “Can I talk to my family first?”

  “Of course,” he says.

  I’m brought back to my room temporarily and everyone else is brought in at once, most likely to save time. They’re treating me like I’m minutes away from just dropping dead. The thought scares the shit out of me.

  Every one of them is staring at me with a sickening look of fear in their eyes. “They gotta go back in. There’s still some bleeding I guess.”

  “They’re putting you under?” Hunter snaps first. “No way.”

  I swallow hard, trying to put the words together that I’m still trying to form in my head. “I’m going to be awake the whole time, actually.”

  “What?” Cammy asks, her voice hitching in her throat.

  “It’s too dangerous to put me under, but it’s too dangerous not to take care of this right now. So, it is what it is.”

  “I want to talk to the doctor first,” Dad says.

  “Yes, I do too,” Mom agrees.

  “Guys, the doctor made it pretty clear that there isn’t a lot of time right now, and I’m going to trust this guy. He seems like he knows what he’s talking about, okay?”

  Dad drops down in the chair, looking like the blood has been stolen from his face. He rests his head in his hand and breathes in and out slowly, but heavily at the same time.

  Cammy has her hand locked over her mouth, and Ever is looking at me as if I were a ghost. She shouldn’t be in here. She’s been through too much already. Gavin doesn’t understand any of this, but she does.

  “Are there any complications involved?” Cammy asks.

  “He didn’t say, but without having much of a choice here, I think I’d rather go into this unaware of possible complications, especially since I have to be awake.”

  Cammy shakes her head with understanding, though I’m pretty sure she’s not really understanding, because I’m having a hard time wrapping my own head around all of this myself.

  “AJ, I want to know what this doctor’s credentials are,” Mom says, while rubbing Dad’s shoulder. “Where did Hunter just go?”

  Knowing Hunter, he’s already found a doctor to lay into.

  “Okay, folks, I’m going to cut this short once again,” the nurse says. “We need to prepare AJ for surgery now. As soon as he’s out and recovering, someone will give you all an update.”

  Cammy leans over and places a kiss on my forehead. “Think of buying a house we can play Mommy and Daddy in. We’ll have a wooden swing hanging from a large tree in the back yard. Think about that the whole time. Think about us—your family, how we made it through every odd there was. Okay?” she whispers.

  I take her arm, squeezing it gently. “Do you think I’ll make it through these odds?”

  She grits her teeth firmly and I hear her swallow hard, seemingly trying her best to keep positive for my sake. “I know you will,” she says.

  “Thank you for saying that,” I tell her, releasing her arm.

  Ever gives me a quick hug and places her head on my chest. “I lost one dad, but you’re my real dad, and I can’t lose you too. I wouldn’t get over it so easily this time.”

  Her words break me in half, split me down the center, and leave me lying helplessly in a puddle of nothing. “Ever, do you know what your name means?”

  She shrugs with a tear forming in the corner of her eye. “I don’t know. I never questioned it, I guess.”

  “The last thing your dad said to you before you were given away was that you were his everything,” Cammy says.

  “Someone didn’t think Everything was a great name, so it was shortened to Ever,” I chime in.

  “I’m everything?” she asks quietly.

  “You are everything to us,” I tell her.

  Ever breaks down into tears, and Cammy wraps her arm around her while she leans over to let Gavin give me a kiss. “I love you, Daddy.”

  “I love you, buddy.” I wasn’t supposed to have to keep saying goodbyes. The days of goodbyes were supposed to be over. Why won’t they stop?

  Mom is short on words but gives me a kiss and looks me in the eyes to tell me I don’t have a choice on whether or not I come out the other side. “I will hunt you down and bring you back here, Andrew, do you understand me?” she asks, trying her hardest to remain strong, though her voice is cracking with every word.

  Dad is even shorter on words. He squeezes my arm and gives me a kiss on the forehead, muttering a quiet, “I love you, son,” before making his way out of the room.

  Hunter is still missing, but he makes his appearance right as the nurse comes in to change my IV into the sedation liquid or whatever it is. “He’s a good doctor. I have faith in him. He’s going to get you through this, and you are going to come out of the surgery just fine. Do you understand me? You are coming out of this, AJ. You have no choice.”

  “I wouldn’t put you through this again,” I tell him shamelessly, knowing what little control I have over this situation.

  The minutes pass and the world becomes a blur as the sedatives kick in. I don’t feel much, sensation-wise. It’s like I’m numb inside and out. The nurses and doctors are speaking to me but it sounds more like gibberish than anything else.

  I know I’m moving down a hall, but I can’t figure out how slow or fast I’m going. We pull into a room, and it looks like a fuzzy blur of white and metal liquefying together. I know I’m awake, but I feel as though I might as well be asleep with as incoherent as I am. I’d rather not think much, and I’d rather not hear what’s happening or feel anything.

  The seconds and minutes blur together and the sounds around me are like a muted construction site situated a mile away. My breathing is labored, but I feel calm, considering what’s happening to the outside and inside of my head.

  I’m moving again, still unaware of the speed in which I’m going, and I’m not sure where we’re going this time.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  I HAVE CARRIED A lot of guilt and blame around with me for years, but this is as much as I can possibly handle. I should have fought my parents when they forced me to give up Ever. I should have fought my parents when they forced me to leave Connecticut. I should have fought my fears when I decided to cut AJ out of my life at eighteen. I should have begged him to come with me earlier this year when I was fighting for parental rights. I should have told him to put his seatbelt on last week. It’s all me. Every single thing that has gone wrong is because of me. Yet, he doesn’t look at me that way. He understands everything. I don’t deserve him.

  Never having to sit in a waiting room as long as I have this past week, I have stared at one particularly small hole in the wall every day. Right now, though, I feel like I have gained the ability to stare through the hole completely. This hole is the only way to avoid the sickening look on the faces of AJ’s parents and Hunter. Gavin is playing with a book on the seat beside me, and Ever is playing a game on my phone. I can’t help wondering about the worst case scenario. I wasted so much time of AJ’s life not being t
here, not being together with him like we were always supposed to be. I thought I always knew best, or my parents knew best, and I went with my first thoughts, never second guessing much.

  I wanted to set him free after I destroyed his life, taking away his daughter without so much as asking him how he felt. That was my biggest regret, along with not putting his name down as the biological father. It was the worst thing I have done, and I still haven’t apologized for it properly.

  Going through the trouble of putting the information together to prove AJ’s biological connection was worth every second of time and effort. It was my only way to apologize for stealing the last thirteen years.

  “Stop blaming yourself,” Hunter says, breaking my stare from the wall.

  “I—I’m not,” I lie.

  “Are you forgetting I’ve known you since you were fifteen?” he asks.

  I force a half smile. “I know. Can’t help it.”

  He lifts Gavin up and places him down on his lap so he can sit beside me. “I threatened the hell out of him. He’s coming out of this surgery, Cam. He has no choice.”

  I feel myself slowly breaking down inside, but I can’t cry in front of every person who loves him as much as I do. Everyone is trying to be strong, and I have to be strong too. It’s just that I have more guilt than they all do.

  “Do you know how many times AJ told me he was going to go find you in D.C.?” Hunter says.

  “Really?”

  “God, it was probably once a month for the first two years after you cut things off. He was convinced if you saw him, you’d change your mind.”

  “Did you stop him?” I ask.

  Hunter laughs. “Yeah, after his tenth trip to D.C. and coming home empty handed.”

  “He came after me?”

  Hunter turns his body toward me. “Cameron, AJ has loved you since you two were sixteen. He must have been twenty-five by the time we were able to go a week without hearing your name at least once. Usually it was a story or a memory. I let him air himself out, feeling sorry for him, but at the same time understanding why you did what you did.”