by Kristy Marie
Once it is over, we head back to my house. With Roy being gone all this time, people have grown use to coming over to my place to hang out. We watch movies and work out. I converted his room into a gym and Levi, Chance, and I all went in together to get some equipment. It’s a pretty nice setup. We have rules and such. Mr. Davis keeps tabs on us. We aren’t allowed to drink or smoke or things that we aren’t allowed to do at our age. We just hang out.
“Dude. It’s over. I can’t believe I am finally free of high school. I’m not going to miss that place.” Chance says as we sit at the bar in my kitchen.
“You’re going to miss it. Once you get to college and see what real life is, you’re going to wish you were back here sitting in your desk in high school.” I tell him. I can tell he doesn’t believe me though. I let it go. Let them all think what they want. I know I am going to miss it.
This was the simple life.
Regardless of everything that has happened in our lives – high school was the time that we are going to miss every day for the rest of our lives. Adults do not have it easy. I don’t know exactly how I know this. I just do.
Several hours later, everyone starts to head home. Several people from our class came over to just hang and talk and make plans for the summer. Now they are leaving and I have no idea who we will ever see again. Not that it matters to me.
“Ok you guys, everyone is gone. Z, what do you need us to do before we leave?” Kelly ask as she picks up drink cans to bring to the trash.
“Nothing. I will clean tomorrow and get everything straightened back up. It isn’t too bad.” It really isn’t. Chip bags and drink cans litter the surfaces but it has been worse.
Macy makes her rounds to give us all a hug and says, “I’m going to take Kelly home so she won’t walk,” she side eyes Kelly, “it’s late and we know she will do it anyway if nobody takes charge.”
“Thank you,” Micah says to her, “I would worry like crazy.” Despite what happened to Micah, Kelly still thinks that nothing can happen to her. It drives us all insane. That is Kelly though. She’s a brave chick.
Kelly sighs. “Macy, let’s go. I don’t want to hear the speeches again.” Everyone chuckles while she makes her rounds. I hug her extra tight before letting her go. She gives me a puzzled look but lets it go. I’m glad. She’s a tough one. She is going to be the least forgiving.
Chance and Levi leave next and it leaves Micah and I alone. I spend a couple extra minutes telling them goodbye. They have no idea that it will be for a while.
I hate this but I need this.
Micah is sitting on the counter in the kitchen so I move in between her legs and wrap my arms around her waist. I tenderly kiss her forehead as she slides her arms around my neck. “Hey baby. Did you have a good day?”
“Yeah.” She says in a sigh. “It was great. We ended one chapter to start another one. You know how I like change but change scares me at the same time.”
“Change is good sometimes. Change is necessary sometimes.” I tell her while my nose is in her hair. Her scent. I’ve got to memorize her scent.
“I know. How was your day? Was it good?” She asks.
“My day was great. One that I will remember for the rest of my life.” I tell her honestly. Change is coming and I want to hold on to every little memory that I am going to need to carry with me.
I step back and look at her. Her blue eyes are bright. She is feeling good, I can tell. She is glowing. God, I love this girl. I just hope that one day she will forgive me for what I have to do.
“What are you thinking about?” She knows me. She knows when I am just pretending to be in the present. I really am here right now but I am torn and she can tell. She squeezes me with her legs so that I will answer her.
“I’m just thinking. I’m soaking up the moment. Living in the moment. You know?”
“Yeah, I get it.” She says as her face lights up with a smile. “I love you.”
“Baby.” I say with a sigh. I lower my forehead to hers and look into her eyes. “I love you too. With all of my heart. I have since the first moment I saw you throwing football in your front yard.” She giggles. I tell her this all the time.
“You were four. You didn’t know what love was, silly.”
“Maybe not, but I knew that you were made by God for me. I felt it.” I tell her with every ounce of belief in my own words that I can muster up.
She was mine then as much as she is now.
“Am I staying here with you tonight?” She asks.
“Yes, if you want to. I’d love to wake up in the morning to your beautiful face. Do you think you can do it?”
We haven’t done this yet. We will not be intimate. She is nowhere ready for that and truth be told, neither am I. But, I would love to hold her tonight as I fall asleep and wake up to see her face. Just this once.
“I think I can. I want to.” She says. I see the weary look on her face. She doesn’t fully trust herself but, God, I want her to trust me - just this once.
“You can, Mi. You can do this for you. You can do this for me. You can do this for us. I promise to not push you. You know that. You have all the power, sweetheart.”
“I know. I trust you. That isn’t the issue. I’m just worried about my demons coming out to play. I don’t want to freak out. I’m trying to stay on the light side of things. I’m trying really hard not to listen to the nightmares.” She puts her arms behind her and leans back to put some distance between us. I don’t like it but I step back a little to give her the space she needs. “I can do it.” She continues. “I can do this for the both of us. I need it and I know that it may help.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe I can do this one last thing for her. And for me.
We make our way to my bedroom. She goes into the bathroom to change while I get everything ready. I slip my jeans and socks off. I will sleep in my shirt and boxer shorts.
She comes out with sleep shorts and a t-shirt on. I try not to stare at her. I try to keep my brain blank. I can’t go there with her. We are nowhere near ready for that step yet. That will be years from now and I will wait forever for her.
“You ready? You can change your mind. It’s fine. I promise.” I tell her.
“Yeah, let’s do this. I want to fall asleep in your arms tonight Z.” She says with a smile. I’m extremely happy to see the smile.
Once we get on our sides of the bed, I turn on my side while she does the same and looks at me. “Thanks,” she says.
“No need to thank me, love. I will always do everything for you. Even hard things that you may not understand.” I say this hoping that my hidden meanings stay with her. I hope that my words linger and one day when she has a million questions, everything clicks.
“She turns over so that her back is to my front. I wrap my arms around her and put my nose to her hair.” This is Heaven. Pretty soon I hear her breathing level out and I know she is asleep. I slowly move my arms from around her, careful not to wake her. I climb out of bed and make my way out of the room to get my things together. No matter what, I must move forward with my plan. My heart is already breaking. This is Hell.
I climb back in the bed when I’m done and fall asleep next to the love of my life. I hold her and commit every single thing about her to memory.
A few hours later, I slip out of bed and leave her there sleeping in my bed.
Chapter 15
Zant
Dear my lovely Micah,
I know you are going to be so mad at me and I cannot tell you how sorry I am for this.
Always know that I love you, Micah. Never forget that. Even when you feel like you hate me, remember that I love you. That is all I will ask of you. I won’t ever ask you to forgive me. Of course, I want you to but, I won’t ask you to. Leaving you is not easy for me and I’m even hating myself. But I need to do this. For you. For me. For us.
I know this is going to be hard but, you have four other people to lean on. Remember that. Do not push them away and d
o not go backwards. Please.
I have to go away.
I have to get help.
I never told you what happened with Roy and I’m kind of glad that I don’t have to see your eyes when you learn what I did. I really don’t want you to hate me or see me any differently than you always did.
Here is the truth for you, my love.
Roy is dead.
I killed him.
After it was done – I did not, for even one second, regret it. I know that makes me a monster. He ruined me too.
So now, I am going away to get away from the demons that follow me around. I am going to find help. I hope that when I come back, I am a much stronger person for you.
Listen to me Micah – I WILL come back for you. That’s a promise!
I know you are pissed and hurt and I understand. I’m sorry baby. I am so damn sorry.
I’m sorry for what Roy did to you. I wish I could have prevented it. Maybe if I had been stronger, I could have. Maybe if I would have gotten help sooner, he wouldn’t have even gotten close to you. I feel a lot of maybes. And I don’t know what to do with them.
But I promise. I will find the answers and when I come back for you – I will be better.
Enjoy college, Micah. Make sure you take life by the horns and ride it hard. You deserve it. Now you know for sure that Roy can’t touch you. Let go, baby. Spread your winds and fly. Live your life, love. That is all that I have ever wanted for you. Be free.
You are not broken. You are not damaged. You are free and you are loved.
Live, Micah.
I love you. I will not be in contact. Please don’t hate me.
Love,
-your Z
Chapter 16
Micah
I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
{‘Broken’ -LIfehouse}
I go to sleep in Heaven while in his arms.
I wake to a living Hell.
He’s gone.
He left me.
My heart is broken and my world has crashed.
Chapter 17
Micah
All the years I’ve tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I’m waiting
{‘Fall to Pieces’ -Velvet Revolver}
3 years later…
“Mama, guess who wants to marry me?”
I wake up from the dream that I seem to have all the time. It is the only thing I dream, every time. It isn’t every night but I have this same dream two or three times a month. It’s always the same thing. It never changes and it never goes any farther.
I sit up in my bed and rub my eyes. It’s Saturday. I’ve got to get up and work on a job application that I need to finish. Macy and Kelly are coming over later this afternoon to pick me up. We are going out to celebrate Macy’s birthday. A nice supper and hitting a club for some dancing afterwards is in order. You only turn 21 once. She is the youngest of our trio and we are going to have a blast. All three of us can finally drink legally.
I get out of bed and grab some pajama pants off the floor. I smell coffee in the kitchen. My coffee maker has already served me this morning. Whoever invented automatic coffee pots, I need to kiss them. They make my mornings so much better and I don’t even care who they are.
I fill my favorite coffee cup with fresh brew, sugar, and some cream. I need my sugar and cream. Straight black isn’t my style. I sit down with my phone to check my messages and emails. I have a text from Kelly asking if we are still on for tonight. I have another text from my mom to tell Macy happy birthday. I text them both back with quick responses.
I don’t have a text from him. Even though my heart shouldn’t sink at that, it does. He said he wouldn’t stay in contact and for three years, he stayed true to his word. It hurts.
I put my phone down and grab my laptop to start working on my application. The sooner I finish it, the more time I will have time to myself.
I know it’s close to lunch time but I am on a roll. I grab some crackers from the cabinet to nibble on. I know I will eat better for supper. I just need a little something to tied me over until then.
I’m done with my application and it is almost time to get ready to go out. I stand up from my chair in my living room and stretch. I look around my place. I love my home. I have finally made it a home. A small apartment with two bedrooms and two bathrooms right in the middle of our little town. My bedroom is my favorite place. It is set up in teal blue and coral colors. These are my happy colors. They make me feel safe and comfortable.
In my life, I need safe and happy things. All my life, I have been an upbeat person. I try to find the positive in everything. Even when it seems impossible, I try. That is the way I cope with things. If I know anything it is that life is full of horrible things and terrible people.
My living room is cozy as well. I have an old comfortable couch that sleeps like a dream. I have slept on it several times because I fall asleep watching movies and refuse to get up and go to bed.
I go to the kitchen to look for something quick to eat while I get ready. I grab an apple out of the basket on the counter and a bottle of water. I go down the hall with a little pep to my step. I am looking forward to meeting up with the girls and having a night out on the town. It is long overdue.
I step into the shower and let the warm water run over my body. My mind goes blank and I start thinking about him. I keep waiting for a text that is never going to come. I miss him and I just wish that he would let me in. He shut me out a long time ago and it breaks my heart. I only wish I knew what I did to make him leave me. Why wouldn’t he stay so that I could help him?
I finish up in the shower and get out to dry off. I walk into my room and look in my closet. I don’t have a huge assortment of clothes but I have a few nice things. I pull out a pair of dark denim straight leg jeans and my booties. Now I just need to find a top.
I’m a t-shirt girl but tonight calls for a little dressing up. I have a very cute pink and white v neck top that is comfy. I throw on a white cami and start doing my hair and makeup. I blow dry and start curling my long brown hair. I love my hair and I refuse to cut it. I cut it really short a couple years ago, while I was trying to find a new look. I vowed to myself then that I would never make that mistake again. I love my long hair and it makes me look much cuter.
I know I’m not completely ugly but I’m not model material either. I have dark hair and blue eyes that sparkle when I’m my happiest. Macy tells me that my eyes tell her when I am in my happy place. He used to say that too.
I apply my makeup. Not too much but enough to pull out the color of my eyes and make my skin have a flawless glow.
I step back and admire my work. I’ve done a good job. Tonight, is the night of relaxation and fun. Like I said, it’s been a long time coming.
I slip on my booties and look at myself in the full-length mirror.
It’s show time.
I grab my cell, keys, and purse before heading out. I lock the door and pull it closed. We are all meeting at Macy’s house. She needs me to check her outfit to make sure it will be cute enough. Or whatever. She acts like I’m the go to person on fashion. I’m not. That is Macy herself. She always wears the cutest clothes that she finds on sale or at consignment shops. I can never find deals on cute things like she does.
I pull up to her house five minutes later and find that I am here before Kelly. That’s not a shock. Kelly will be late to her own funeral.
I put the car in park and climb out. It’s cool but not cold. It is a nice afternoon and the sun is just starting to set. I love our little historic town in south Mississippi. We have a lot of historic homes and landmarks. We are close to the Mississippi river and seeing the sun rise while looking at the river is a site that will live with you for the rest of your life.
I walk into Macy’s house. She never locks her door. It drives me crazy. Sh
e still thinks that nothing bad can happen to her. I envy that. Even after knowing that my personal monster is dead, I’m still afraid of the evil that is out there in others.
She is in her bathroom getting ready. I can hear her singing along with some country song that she has playing on her phone.
“Hey” I yell as I walk toward the back of the house. She lives in an old one story house that has to be close to 60 years old. She loves the finer things in life but she loves her old house. It’s cute. It fits her.
“Hi” she yells back as I get closer. I lean against the door jam and watch her. She is applying her makeup while she is swaying to the music. I smile at her.
“You ready to go?” she asks me.
“Yes. How close are you to being ready? I’m starving. I haven’t eaten much all day.”
“I’ve still got to get dressed and I have no idea what I’m going to wear. Do you want to go pick me something out?”
“Sure” I tell her as I head into her bedroom. She has clothes laying everywhere. Apparently, she tried to find something to wear and just couldn’t decide.
“Mace, you have enough clothes in here to clothe the entire town. What are you aiming for tonight?” I know to ask her this so I can think of a place to start.
“I think I want to wear a sweater dress with my black boots. What do you think?” I can hear her over the music digging through drawers in her bathroom.
“That will be cute. You are the birthday girl so it really doesn’t matter. Your tiara that you are going to be wearing with be your focal point tonight anyway.”
I hear her laugh a little because she knows I’m right. I’m looking at a sweater dress that she has laying out on her bed. It is cute. It is a maroon color with a wide neck on it. She can wear things like that because she has cleavage that will help her out. I am not blessed in that department.