Maybe it’s time.
I sit on my bed with my back pressed against the headboard as I lean my head back and look at the ceiling. “What am I supposed to do now, Dean?”
No answer, not that I was expecting one. Is it okay for me to move on with someone else? Is it something he would want for me? Leaving him in the past is hard. Up until the accident, he was a constant in my life. He showed me love and kindness. He was my first love. How do you leave all that behind you?
Holden is a lot like Dean, but so different. Holden is dealing with the same loss I am. He’s also dealing with a sick wife while being trapped in a loveless marriage. Then there is me, further complicating things for him. I know he said that he wasn’t good for me, but maybe I’m not good for him.
I’ve only been making things more complicated for him. Maybe he finally saw that and that’s why I haven’t heard from him.
Whatever happens, it’s time to take care of me. I have to let go of Dean. I have to let go of Holden. I have to heal and fix myself. I have to move on.
I look back at the tiny diamond on my finger. It’s dull and tarnished because I haven’t taken it off since I was released from the hospital, but it’s finally time. I didn’t realize until now that falling for Holden was helping me get over Dean. I’m not replacing one with the other as many people would think. I’ve just fallen for a man who is as broken as I am, a man who is helping me heal.
“Dean, I love you and I always will, but it’s time I let you go. It’s time for me to move on and see what all is out there. Find the life I was meant to live.” I pull the ring from my finger and hold it in my palm, studying it. This ring has meant so much to me since the moment he pulled that little black box from his pocket, but it’s time I tuck it away.
I stand and open the small drawer on my jewelry box before placing the ring inside and closing it. It’s time to make an effort, to release the negative, to move on and spread my wings on my own.
Chapter 17
When Hope left me sitting alone in my kitchen like that, I was speechless. I wanted to stop her, but I forced myself to let her go. She needs to walk away from me, leave me behind so I won’t hurt her.
My head is a fucking mess and she doesn’t need to see that or be subject to my confusion. She has to be confused by all of this. I tell her I’m bad for her and then kiss her. I tell her to stay away then run to her. I wish I had the strength to stay away from her, but every time something falls apart, she’s the one I want to see, to talk to.
I’ve managed to stay away from her for a week now and I feel like I’m about to detox at any moment, like I’ll soon be running to her for another hit.
I’ve spent my time by repairing the window I broke, going to work, and calling the hospital to check on Jane. Seeing her there isn’t something I can handle right now. Her doctor has her on round the clock suicide watch after she attempted to slit her wrist back open with a pair of scissors a nurse forgot in her room. They are adjusting her medications and promise that we will know more in a few days once the new medication stays steady in her system. In the meantime, all I can do is wait.
It’s early Monday morning and I can’t stand to sit around any longer. I keep thinking about Hope and wondering what she’s doing, if she’s okay. I grab my keys and head to the shop to open early. I have a stack of paperwork to go through.
I drive across town and let myself in. The sky is still dark with a cool, spring wind slightly blowing. I walk in and fire up the heater in the shop and start a pot of coffee before making my way into my office. With the events of the past week, I couldn’t stand to sit still long enough to get any of the insurance papers done. I had to keep moving, keep busy to keep my mind off of everything. Looking at the pile of papers on my desk now, that was a big mistake.
I take a seat and start going through the papers. Most of them are just claims that have to be faxed over to different insurances, some are bills to be paid or mailed out, and others are just detailed lists of the parts that the guys used on each bike. It seems each paper gets filed a different way. Fuck, I need a secretary. That would give me time to do the things I really want to do, like work on bikes and ignore all the paperwork.
First thing I start doing is putting each paper in the correct pile depending on what they need: filing, faxed, mailed, or paid. I’m about half way through with this task when Jack walks in.
Jack has worked for me since he got out of high school ten years ago. He reminds me so much of Dean. That’s initially why I hired him. Dean wasn’t the work with your hands type. So when Jack walked into my shop needing a job, it was my chance to take someone under my wing.
“Here’s a cup of coffee, boss.” He sets the cup down on my desk, far away from my stacks of papers.
“Thank you,” I say, reaching for it.
He plops down in the chair across from me and removes his backwards hat. His dark hair hangs down to his shoulders and he does a hair flip to get it out of his face.
I laugh. “When are you going to cut that shit off?”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rubber band. “Never. Bitches love the man bun,” he says, pulling his hair up.
I shake my head. “Keep it up and you’re going to look like one of those bitches you’re talking about.” I lean back in my chair. “In fact, all that hair might look good blowing in the wind on the back of my bike. You’ll have to hold on pretty tight though, there’s no bitch bar.”
He laughs. “Fuck you, man.”
My laughing comes to an end as I pick up my coffee and take a sip.
“What’s going on with you lately? You’ve been coming in early and staying late.” All amusement has left his face now. Instead, it’s covered with concern.
I wave my hand to dismiss the question. “Nothing for you to worry about. Just going through some personal stuff.”
“Stuff with your wife?” He’s looking at his hands in his lap.
“How’d you hear about that?”
His eyes pop up to meet mine. “Everyone’s heard about it. Small towns, you know?”
Fuck. That’s just what I need: to be the talk of the town.
I shrug. “She’s getting the help she needs. Don’t worry about it.” I stand and move into the shop to start work on the Sportster I left unfinished yesterday. I haven’t finished my paperwork yet, but I can’t sit still any longer.
Jack must understand that I don’t want to talk about it, so instead of following me out to talk, he just turns on some music and gets to work.
By the end of the day, I’m covered in grease and tired. I’ve worked myself to the bone, trying to keep busy so I don’t think about Jane or Hope.
The sky is once again dark as I climb into my Jeep to head home. I’m just turning onto my street when my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Mr. Brantford, I think you should come by. Your wife is responding really well to her new medication. She’s asking for you.”
My heart sinks to my stomach. “She is?” I ask confused.
I have to admit, I thought that even if this new medication did work, there would be a chance she still wouldn’t give a shit about me. Hearing that she’s asking for me causes anxiety to wash over me.
I turn around and head directly to the hospital. My head is filled with questions the whole way. I’m excited yet scared to see which version of Jane I could be walking up to. Will she be like she used to be when Dean was alive? Will she be the woman who’s still dealing with loss and grief after he was taken? Or will she be the lifeless woman I’ve been living with these last few years?
I walk into the hospital and up to her room where I peer in through the glass. She’s sitting in a chair next to the window, looking out. I take a deep breath before pushing on, feeling let down because I don’t see any change in her.
When I close the door quietly behind me, she turns her head toward the sound, smiling when she sees me.
Her acknowledging me makes me stop dead in my tracks. It’s been years.
“How are you feeling, Jane?”
“I don’t know. Different? A little foggy from the new medication, but well,” she says, weakly. She stands and opens her arms.
I slowly walk up to her and pull her in for a hug. It doesn’t feel like I thought it would only weeks ago. Back before all this happened, I thought about what it would be like to get her back. I pictured this very moment. I thought having her in my arms again would make me feel whole, but it doesn’t. I don’t feel anything.
She releases me and sits down, motioning for me to join her. I take the seat she’s offering and try to get comfortable, even though I have too much stress and anxiety running through me. What will come of this?
“Holden, I need to apologize to you.” She’s looking at her feet, but then, she looks up at me and I can see so many emotions burning in her eyes. It makes my chest hurt, like I’m being squeezed.
“I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through these past five years. I know you were hurting too and I left you alone. I pushed you away because I felt like if I moved on, I would forget him. I know he wasn’t mine. I didn’t carry him, but he was my little boy.”
“I know, Jane.” I reach out and hold her hand in mine.
Her thumb runs over my hand. “This new medication is helping me, and I’m going to keep taking it. I’m going to go to therapy to continue on my journey to recovery like you’ve begged me to all these years.”
“Why now, Jane?” It’s a selfish question, I know. But I have to know.
The corner of her mouth pulls up into a crooked smile. “This is the lowest I’ve been in my life. What I did, it made me see how lost I really was. I just thought that his memory was enough to keep me afloat, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t helping me the way I thought it was. It was hurting me. And by hurting myself, I hurt you.”
She swallows and takes a deep breath. “Look Holden, I know the last few years of our marriage haven’t been happy years, but now that I’m on the right path, I’d like to try again. I want to get better. I want to be with you, give you everything you need.” Anxiety and nervousness are etched into her face, creating deep wrinkles to form around her eyes. She’s been sick for so long, it really took a toll on her body, making her appear older than she really is.
I don’t know what to do or say. For five fucking years now I’ve been holding on to her, begging her to get help. I never took her up on her offer of finding what I needed elsewhere. But then, I broke. I couldn’t wait for her any longer and I found Hope. A woman who is forbidden and wrong for me in every way, but a woman I’m completely fucking addicted to. She owns my body and soul. She’s taken up permeant residence in my brain, in my heart.
This past week, I was supposed to be pulling away, but it’s only made me realize that I can’t break away from her. I’m in love. And now my wife who has wanted nothing to do with me for five years wants to try again? I have to come clean.
“Jane, I have to tell you something and I hope to God it doesn’t affect your recovery.” I take a deep breath, working up the nerve to tell her something that may send her off on another downward spiral. “I’ve been seeing someone.”
She pulls her eyes away from mine as she looks out the window in deep thought. I pray that I haven’t lost her to the world she escapes to.
After a long silence, she turns back to me. “It’s okay, Holden. It’s been hard and I haven’t been there for you. I left you alone. I don’t blame you for seeking what you needed somewhere else. But if you’re interested, if even a piece of you still loves me, I’d like to try and get better for you. It won’t be easy. I know there is a gap between us and we will both have to work hard to overcome it, but I’d like to do that work.”
Anger rushes through me. Not at Jane, at my-fucking-self. Why did I have to give up on her? Why don’t I love her? Why did I have to go and give my heart to someone I can never have? It wouldn’t be fair to Jane to say I’ll try when I know damn well and good that I won’t ever love her the way she needs.
But can I deny the woman I’ve spent over twenty years with? She’s finally doing as I’ve asked. Can I crush her dream of being a family again?
“Holden?” Jane says, drawing me from my thoughts.
I quickly look up at her kind smile that I used to love.
“I know this is a lot to take in. I’ve had days to think about it and I just threw it all at you, but I think somewhere deep inside of you, you still love me. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have stuck around this long. I’m not saying it will be as it was before. I’m not that naive, but I think our twenty year marriage is worth salvaging, don’t you?”
I look at her, but don’t say anything. I’m frozen between what I wanted a year ago and what I want now. I want Jane healthy and happy, but should I just forget the past five years and move on like they didn’t happen? I’m not sure I can bridge the gap between us. I’m not sure I want to.
I sit up, resting my elbows on my knees and holding my head in my hands as I rub the stress lines from my forehead. “Jane, I’ve wanted to hear you say those words for so long.”
“I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to realize what you mean to me. I thought I was incapable of loving anyone. I didn’t even love myself. But after all this,” she waves her hand around the room, “I know what’s important now. I want to try. What do you say?”
Chapter 18
It’s been one month since my weekend with Holden and I still have to fight the urge to run to him. I’ve been doing good on my own. I go to class and to the gym daily. That’s one thing Holden was right about. The gym really does help to get out some aggression, and it gives me time to focus on nothing but me. I haven’t been back to group because I’m still afraid to run into him. I know that if I see him, I’ll want to touch him, be with him. And due to his lack of contact over the past month, that’s something he doesn’t want. A piece of me wonders if he’s reconciled with his wife, and as much pain as that thought brings, I hope they found their happiness in this ugly situation.
I’ve been spending all my time working on myself. I’ve even made a few friends at school, something I never tried to do before. And I’ve picked up a part time job at a coffee shop, just to occupy my time. With whatever spare time I have, I usually spend my days seeing the world behind the lens of my camera.
Slowly but surely, everything begins to get better. I still think of Dean, but now instead of thinking about how he was taken from this world way too soon, I think about all the good times we had. I try to focus on the positive instead of only seeing the negative.
Dean was a large part of my life growing up. He made me who I am today. He was also the cause of my downfall. Thanks to Holden, I knew I had to let all that go. The moment I took that ring off my finger, the weight on my shoulders was lighter. I found it easier to go longer periods of time without feeling his loss. Making friends, going to the gym, and getting a job has all helped me as well. I’m an active part of society now.
Even though I think of Dean less and less, I think of Holden more and more. I find myself looking for him in a crowd of people. I think back on that weekend we spent together and wonder if there was anything I could’ve done differently that would have resulted in us being together right now. I have questions upon questions with no answers.
Many women would say that he used me, but I don’t believe that because I saw the way he looked at me, I heard his shuddering breath when we touched, and I felt every ounce of passion and desire when he looked into my eyes. When it comes to Holden, I believe that he made my decision for me. He was afraid of what people would say about us, what my parents would say about us. He didn’t want to make my life harder by having to fight for our relationship. He probably thinks he made the right decision for me, but he’s wrong. Nothing in this world is worth fighting for more than love and happiness.
My phone begins ringing as I’m walking out the coffee shop I work at. I dig it from my bag and put it to my ear. “Hey, Dad. What’s up?”
“Hi, sweetheart. How was your shift?”
“Ahh, you know.” I push my hair away from my face as the wind whips it around me.
“Listen, I have something I need to ask you, but I want to let you know that it’s okay if you say no. I know how hard you’ve worked to get yourself to where you are now.”
His tone alarms me. “What are you talking about, Dad? Is Mom okay?”
“She’s fine. This has to do with Dean.”
My feet stop moving on their own. “Dean?”
“I don’t know if you know this or not, but Jane attempted to commit suicide about a month ago.”
Of course I know, but I can’t tell him how I know. “Oh, no. How is she?”
“She’s much better. She spent some time in a mental facility. She’s been going to therapy and they have managed to adjust her medications. It’s almost like she’s her old self.”
I feel my shoulders slump. That’s why I haven’t heard from Holden. He has his old wife back now. “That’s great,” I say, but my tone betrays me.
“It is, but there are a few things she needs to do in order to put everything behind her so she can move on.”
“And what does any of this have to do with me?”
He takes a deep breath. “She would like us all to go and visit Dean’s grave.”
My head begins swimming, causing me to sit down on a bench outside of the coffee shop. This whole time, I’ve never been to Dean’s gravesite. I refused to go the day of the funeral. It’s been a place I’ve avoided for five years. Can I go now? Would going there put me back at the place I just escaped from, or would it finally give me a sense of closure?
“You can say no, Hope. I understand all the pain it could bring up for you. If you don’t want to go, please just tell me and I will tell Holden that it isn’t an option. I’d rather have you safe and happy.”
Holden is the one who asked? My heart momentarily stops beating. Why wouldn’t he ask me himself? Because he’s with his wife and can’t face me? I close my eyes as I take a deep breath. “I’ll go.”
Wrapped in Hope: A Forbidden Romance (The Hope Series Book 1) Page 13