Before You Break: Between Breaths

by Christina Lee

  “What’s the worst that could happen if this girl did ask questions?” Gabby had asked.

  “She’d want to know more—like maybe when and how it happened,” I said. “And that scares me.”

  The accident happened days after high school graduation. The horror of seeing Sebastian in that wooden box at the funeral, in that black suit with the damn paisley tie, his hair neatly combed back, was second only to seeing him lying unmoving on the side of the road, caked in blood. My stomach bottomed out—my heart felt like it had been wrenched from my body—as I trembled and almost lost my cookies at his casket.

  My father had given me a stern look as I stormed away from them—from Sebastian, from his parents, from everybody. But my aunt and uncle had intervened, told my parents to let me go. After the cemetery, I’d spent the rest of that day sitting on the side of the cliff, considering whether or not to jump in.

  How could I tell Ella that?

  “True, she might want to know more,” Gabby said. “And you’d have to be brave enough to tell her. What scares you most about having to tell her?”

  “My best friend’s parents seem to have this unbelievable ability to forgive me,” I said. “But maybe she won’t.”

  I figured Bastian’s parents were either going to straight to heaven or they were good at steeling their emotions around me. Regardless, it was difficult to be around them for long. Their showing up at my games probably put them on the level of fucking sainthood or something.

  “If his parents have forgiven you, Daniel,” Gabby said, “is there a way you can finally forgive yourself?”

  “I . . . I don’t know.”

  “I have a feeling you will,” she said. “Someday. And maybe this girl will be the one to convince you that you’re worthy to live the kind of life you’re hopeful about. I think you should give her a chance. I bet she’ll surprise you.”

  Spilling my guts to Gabby again had made me feel better.

  Or maybe just empty.

  Ready to fill myself back up again with something new. Something different.

  Something better.

  If only I’d given myself permission to let that happen.

  ***

  I threw the ball back to Smithy on the mound and positioned myself behind home plate. No parental units were here to root for me tonight, and by the seventh inning I was beginning to feel some respite. I’d been able to get lost in something else for a while. No expectations to live up to except my own. I didn’t know what would happen with my newfound lease on life, but for the first time in a long while, I wanted to try.

  To live. To do something more meaningful. For me.

  Outside of Gabby, Ella had gotten closer to me than anyone else—she’d been to my parent’s house, and she knew stuff about me that others didn’t. Even though she didn’t know everything.

  But I was working up to that. I was feeling more comfortable with the idea. Because the alternative was worse. Being without her. And if I didn’t take that chance I’d never know. And I’d already had too many regrets in my life.

  Ella and I had texted every day since our pizza date. And, of course, my fantasies were ramped way up since our insanely hot make-out session in my car, while the windows steamed up around us. I mean, fuck—the girl made me want to worship her, revere her, build a fucking altar in her name.

  Nonetheless, Ella was still holding back. I could feel it. Not in her kisses. If anything, that’s where I felt her emotions were on display. Instead, it was in her heart. Like maybe she’d decided that we’d just be friends with benefits and she’d be all right with that.

  Except I wasn’t okay with that. It might’ve taken the pressure off—but not enough for me to live with the idea of just being a fling to Ella. I had this intense need for her to know that I could barely go five minutes without thinking about her. If I could only get the words out. It’s like they got lodged in the back of my throat and the only way I knew how to get beyond it was to show her instead. With my lips, my hands, and my body.

  I was hoping to see her before the team hit the travel bus in two days. So I texted her that morning.

  Me: Fury got a flat tire last night.

  Ella: Poor thing. Sounds like your baby needs some TLC.

  Me: Absolutely does—from a certain brunette with beautiful blue eyes and kissable lips.

  Ella: I’d be happy to offer up some lovin’.

  Me: Hopefully soon? Fury’s owner has one home game left before he hits the road.

  My frat brothers and the girls from our sister sorority were hollering in the stands because McGreevy had thrown a player out at first. When my eyes darted over to them, I spotted her. Ella had shown up to my game and somehow, having her here bolstered me. Made me want to work harder to finish this game on top, just so I’d be proud of myself when I saw her afterward.

  She was sitting between Tracey and her friend Rachel.

  I watched how Joel had looked behind him and waved at her. And how Ella’s jaw had ticked as if she was clamping down tight on her tongue—holding herself back from telling him off or whacking him in the head. Maybe I’d knock him the fuck out for her.

  I hadn’t considered how it’d go down when Ella and Joel first saw each other again. But Joel seemed oblivious as usual, like the huge blockhead he’d always been. Besides, he had a blond chick sitting next to him. Apparently his new conquest.

  The other night at poker he’d been a drunken sloppy mess again. He’d spouted off about Ella’s amazing tits, how he missed looking at them, and I’d basically lost my mind. I jumped up, the chair clattering to the ground behind me, and had my fist drawn back ready to pummel him. Brian had to plant his hand on my arm to stop me. He yanked me into the other room to play Call of Duty and talk.

  He hadn’t asked me straight out what was going on between Ella and me, but I got the impression that he and Tracey had figured it out. Probably along with everyone else by now.

  I hated that Joel treated Ella like she was only made of body parts. There was no denying that Ella had a beautiful body, but she was also perfect in every other way, too.

  She was plain amazing. And I wanted more.

  Maybe I wanted everything.

  The game ended with a pop fly at home plate. I caught it, tossed it to the umpire, and headed for the locker room to change. Before leaving the field, I looked up at the stands once more and locked my gaze on Ella. I’d expected her to have waited for me in the parking lot with the other family, friends, and fans, but that hope was obliterated when she wasn’t anywhere near the team bus.

  Instead, I saw Ella up at Zach’s Bar, drinking a beer at a back table with Tracey and Rachel. We made eye contact, but she looked hesitant to come up to me. It killed me that we didn’t know how to be around each other yet. What we were to each other. I think she was as scared and confused as I was.

  Plus, there was Joel to contend with. Not that I gave a shit what he thought. It was more that I wanted to respect Ella. Didn’t want people to think she’d left him to be with me. Girls got a bad rap when it came to that kind of stuff—it was a ridiculous double standard. Guys could do whatever the hell they wanted, but girls were immediately turned into sluts.

  I ordered two beers at the bar, hell-bent on joining Ella at her table, everyone else be damned. We were friends first and foremost and it wasn’t like I’d planned on groping her in public, no matter how much I wanted to.

  While we were waiting on our drinks, I got pulled into a discussion with some baseball fans. They’d asked about our upcoming schedule and whether we could keep ahead of our competition. When I next looked toward the back of the bar, Ella was nowhere to be found.

  Her friend Rachel had moved to a table in the corner with one of my teammates. When my eyes skated past Brian’s girlfriend, Tracey, I saw the tiny movement of her head.

  I raised an eyebrow at her. She motioned to the parking lot. Her way of telling me Ella had taken off. Shit. I nodded in thanks.

  I chugged back my dr
ink, deciding what to do. At about the same time, my phone buzzed with a text message.

  Ella: Headed home. Sorry, don’t feel like being in the same room as Joel.

  Me: Understood. It won’t always be this awkward. I won’t let it be.

  Ella: I know.

  ME: I really liked having you at my game, Ella.

  Ella: I liked being there.

  Me: Wish you would’ve waited. Was looking forward to spending time with you.

  Ella: Actually, I was hoping . . .

  Me: Hoping what? Maybe it’s the same thing I’m hoping. . . .

  Ella: Maybe it is. Apartment 1A. 34 Carmine Street—you know the building. I’ll be waiting.

  I could barely contain myself on my barstool. I waited a good two seconds before bolting out the door. The urge to see her was nearly blinding.

  I parked on her street and tried not to jog all the up the walk. When I rang her apartment, she didn’t even bother to ask who was at the door; she just buzzed me in. I decided I’d have a chat with her about that later, before I realized that she probably saw me pull up through her front window.

  As soon as she swung open the door, I grabbed hold of her face and kissed her. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to smell her, taste her, hold her. And damn if her lips didn’t feel so soft and pliant and ready for me. Her breath tasted like mint mixed with alcohol from the beer I’d seen her drinking at the table.

  I backed her into the room and shut the door with my foot. “Are we alone?”

  “Ye—” When she opened her lips to speak, I took advantage with my tongue, sliding it deep inside her mouth as she grasped at handfuls of my T-shirt. I couldn’t get enough of her. She shoved her hands in the back pockets of my jeans and hauled me against her. In an instant I was hard as a block of fucking ice.

  She moaned as I gathered up the back of her hair into a makeshift ponytail and gently tugged it down to gain better access to her mouth. I backed her in the direction of her room and though I could see her bed in my peripheral view, I wanted Ella in a different way.

  When her back hit the door, I pinned her hands above her head, in much the same position we’d found ourselves in before. She closed her eyes, tilted her neck, and I took full advantage, practically devouring her skin. It was smooth and silky and smelled faintly of her almond scent.

  “We always seem to end up against a door,” she breathed out. Her words faltered as I licked and nipped my way down her collarbone to the scoop of skin above her breasts.

  “I have fantasies about what I want to do to you against this door.”

  Her breath hitched as she squirmed, grinding her hips against the front of my jeans.

  “You keep doing that and I’m going to come like a horny teenager,” I breathed into her hair, attempting to steady my racing pulse. “That’s how hot you make me.”

  She made that little noise in the back of her throat and I nearly lost my load.

  “Want to know what I plan on doing to you?” I growled against her neck.

  “Yes,” she breathed out. “Please.”

  Shit. She did not have to beg. At this point, I’d probably walk across flaming coals if she’d asked me to.

  I let go of her hands and trailed my fingers down to the sliver of stomach peeking beneath her shirt. I felt her shiver while I ran my tongue along her earlobe and then claimed the patch of skin below it. She fisted the back of my hair and tugged my lips back to her mouth. Her kiss was frantic and deep and, goddamn, this girl knew how to rock my world.

  When she sucked on my tongue, I couldn’t fucking take it anymore.

  I need to see her. All of her.

  I inched her shirt up her torso to remove it and she lifted her arms to make it easier. I threw the thin material on her bed and then trained my gaze on her amazing tits.

  I thumbed the lacy part of her bra and her nipples pebbled beneath the material. I sucked one nub straight through the fabric and when I moved to the other breast she whimpered and clawed at my back.

  Fuck, this girl was hot.

  She yanked off my shirt and traced her fingers over my arms and chest and then down the trail of hair above my belt loop. “Quinn,” she said all breathy.

  I closed my eyes and reveled in the feel of her hands on me. They were soft and smooth and warm. And when her nails lightly scratched across my abdomen, I inhaled sharply. It felt so damn good.

  I let out a shaky breath before I opened my eyes and flattened my body against hers, practically molding her to the wood. This kiss was reckless, bordering on dangerous, and I wanted to keep my tongue in her mouth for all of eternity.

  She peeled one bra strap down her arm and then the other, eyes glued to mine, like this was our private striptease. She reached around her back to unclasp her bra while my dick tried to spring free of my pants of its own accord.

  Damn, this girl was perfection. Her breasts were perfectly round, her nipples pink and standing at attention, and I was desperate to put my mouth on them so she could feel me. Really feel me.

  I wanted to show her how beautiful she was.

  “I want to kiss this gorgeous body.” I strung my fingers through the ends of her hair. “Will you let me?”

  Her only response was a low moan as she shut her eyes and knocked her head against the wood. My fingers skimmed across her stomach and then up to her breasts. I held the weight of them in my hands and thumbed her taut nipples before pulling one of them into my mouth.

  I took my time sucking, licking, and nipping her warm peaks while Ella whimpered and murmured my name over and over again. I’d have kept going if only to hear her throaty pleas. Her breasts were bare, her buds hard and wet from where my mouth had been, and I was sure this image of her would be permanently etched in my brain.

  When I pinned her earlobe between my teeth, her fingers shot to the front of my pants. She gripped me through the thick material and I strained against her hand, wanting to strip naked for her.

  But not yet. Maybe not even tonight.

  I wanted to savor this girl. Show her how much I relished her. I didn’t want her to think I was anything like Joel. This girl needed to be cared for, protected, and valued.

  This was Ella standing before me, allowing me touch her and taste her, and all I wanted was to make her feel good. Special. Exquisite.

  I removed her hand from the front of my jeans and then knelt down and kissed her stomach, which quivered at my touch. I flicked open the button on her pants and then looked up at her. Her eyes were filled with so much desire, it was all I could do not to throw her on that bed and sink myself deep inside of her. Lose myself in her. Claim her as mine.

  But she wasn’t mine. Not yet.

  “I want to see you, Ella. All of you.”

  When she threaded her fingers through my hair, that was all the permission I needed. I rolled her jeans down her hips and she kicked them off. I grabbed hold of her ankle, momentarily studying the dragonfly tattoo I’d wanted to ask her about.

  I didn’t want to break this spell we were under, so I kept going, kissing up her calf to her knee. She wore little blue panties and I wanted to rip them off with my teeth. My fingers traced up and down her thighs and then thumbed beneath the edges of her lacy underwear.

  “You’re so damn sexy, Ella,” I whispered. I heard how her breath caught. “You make me want to do naughty things to you.”

  “Is . . . is this part of that fantasy you were talking about?”

  “Fuck yes,” I said, adjusting myself on my knees and then palming her sweet spot through the thin material. “I want to kiss you, Ella. Right here.”

  “Oh God, Quinn,” she said, panting.

  I’d never been so desperate to taste a woman before. Only Ella. With other girls, I’d just wanted to fuck and get myself off. But I needed to savor Ella. Consume her. Own her.

  I tugged her panties down and helped her step through them. I met her large and sparkling eyes before I studied her stunning body, on display before me. Her hips were shapely
and her boobs were amazing. She didn’t have a skeleton body like other girls I’d been with. Her stomach wasn’t completely flat and that made her even sexier.

  She was all woman and hot as hell.

  “I hope you know how gorgeous you are, Ella,” I said as I kissed her thighs. They quivered with eagerness and it excited me even more that I could stir this girl so much.

  Her fingers gripped the door handle and her head sank back.

  I repositioned my hands to the back of her thighs before grabbing hold of her perfect ass. And damn if that didn’t do me in right then and there. I looked up at her just as I hauled her hips closer to my mouth. Her lips parted and her eyes clenched tight in anticipation.

  “Look at me, Ella,” I murmured. “I want you to see how much I enjoy kissing you down here.”

  Her eyes snapped open, like she couldn’t believe the words that had fallen from my lips. And actually I had no earthly idea where they had come from either. Never had I uttered those words to a girl before. Never had I wanted to or even cared that much.

  Ella just brought out this unyielding passion in me. I was desperate to feel connected to her and right now that connection would come through my tongue making contact with that gorgeous patch of skin on exhibit before me. It was swollen, perfectly trimmed, and waiting on me to sample it.

  Her eyes blazed with the same intensity I’d seen before and as I opened my mouth to taste her, she shuddered against me. I kissed her gently at first, taking my time caressing her outer lips before flicking my tongue against her opening and then trailing it up her center.

  She tossed her head back in pleasure, her chest and cheeks flushed with a pretty crimson color, her skin hot and pulsing beneath my lips.

  I adjusted my hold on her ass and spread her wider so that my tongue could have full access. She had a heavenly musky scent that infiltrated my senses and made me nearly ravenous for her.

  I tasted her for a long time as she whimpered and made that insanely sexy noise in the back of her throat. She grasped at my hair and when I sucked on her bud she nearly unraveled right in front of me.

  But I drew away and made sure her eyes were still on me. They were glossy and unfocused but she never looked away. She bit her lip and inhaled sharply as my tongue continued to map its pattern over her folds. And then deeply inside her.