Not a Mermaid

by Madeline Kirby

  “Really?” I wasn’t sure I liked the sound of that.

  “In a good way. And when she’s finished with you, come on over and I’ll help you stretch out.”

  “I’ll see...”

  Jennifer laughed. “You really don’t like the idea of exercise, do you?”

  “I walk a lot, doesn’t that count?”

  “Well, sure, it helps. But you should work on keeping your core strong and your muscles toned. Get in shape young, and stay in shape, and you’ll avoid a lot of misery when you’re older.”

  “I suppose. I’ve agreed to talk to Dani, anyway.”

  I reminded myself that my real reason for meeting Dani was to fish for information about Lana, but now I was starting to think Don might be right. I took a drink of my beer, savoring its hoppy bite and wondering whether Dani was going to make me stop drinking. That might be a deal-breaker.

  What’s that Smell?

  “Why is she here, again?” I looked down at the curly-haired calico Rex sitting in the doorway of my apartment. She looked back at me, her golden eyes steady and unblinking. Perez didn’t like me any better in Cat form than she did as a human. Maybe even less.

  Petreski came out of the bathroom, human and dressed in shorts and a tank top. “What?”

  “Why is she here? Isn’t she supposed to be avoiding you or something? Because of the case?”

  Perez growled, low in her throat, and Petreski shot her a warning glance.

  “She needed to get out. I thought maybe she could visit Bridger.”

  “Bridger?”

  “She likes him. Asks about him all the time. Think it would be okay?”

  “I don’t see why not.” I shrugged and stepped around Perez, who followed me across the landing. I knocked on Don’s door and waited.

  “Hey, what’s up?” he asked when he opened the door. I saw Bridger’s head appear over the arm of the sofa.

  “I’ve got a kind of weird favor to ask.”

  “Yeah? The day you ask for a favor that’s not weird will be weird.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, but seriously.”

  I heard Bridger make a trilling noise, and then he was hopping across the floor towards Perez.

  “Hey, who’s this?” Don asked, looking down.

  “She’s... a friend of Boo’s. I was wondering if she could hang out with Bridger for a while.”

  “Um... she’s what now?”

  “I told you it was weird. But if you’d just humor me, okay? Please?”

  Don scratched his head and looked back and forth between Perez and me. “I guess, okay.”

  “Be nice,” I said, looking down at Perez. She hissed at me and Don laughed.

  “What’s her name?”

  “Oh. I don’t know. She looks like a Snookum-Doodles to me, don’t you think?” She hissed again, but stopped when Bridger butted his head up against her. She licked a swipe across the top of his head and looked up at Don.

  “Hell no. Come on in, Princess, and I’ll tell you embarrassing stories about Jake, because he’s a meanie. Yes he is.”

  Perez and Bridger trotted into Don’s apartment and he stuck his tongue out at me before he closed the door.

  “What? No! No stories! Don? Do you hear me? No stories!”

  I realized I was wasting my breath and went back to my own apartment, where Petreski greeted me with a beer and a kiss. He obviously knew he was in hot water and was trying to suck up to me. It was almost working.

  “Don’s going to tell her horrible things about me,” I grumbled.

  “Will they be true?”

  I shrugged.

  “Jake?”

  “Some of them, maybe.”

  Petreski laughed.

  “It’s not funny. Have you told Perez about the dreams?”

  That sobered him up. “Crap. No. Do you think Don would mention that?”

  “No way of knowing. He talks to Bridger all the time, and he thinks she’s just a regular cat, so there’s no telling what he’ll say. I can hear him now. ‘Oh, Princess, you have such pretty fur, you’ll never believe what that mean Jake dreams about! He dreams about murders! Yes he does! He does! What do you think about that, pretty kitty?’”

  “That’s a horrible Don impression.”

  “You should hear his Jake.”

  “Princess?”

  “That’s what he called her.”

  “Oh well. You know she’s Cat, so I guess it’s not the end of the world if she finds out you’re... you know.”

  “Whatever the hell I am?”

  He put an arm around my shoulders. “Whatever you are, it’s pretty amazing. I’d probably never have met you if you weren’t whatever you are.”

  He was still trying to butter me up, and I decided I’d let him.

  “I just don’t want her to hate me any more than she already does.”

  “She doesn’t hate you.”

  “Wait. Wait a second. You said she knew he was in town – Standing.”

  Petreski sighed.

  “Well, could that have something to do with it? She’s pissed off and I’m a convenient target?”

  “Now that you mention it, I could see that happening.”

  “But?”

  He sighed again.

  “Oh, good grief. Enough with the sighing. Whatever is up with Perez is affecting her attitude towards me, and sooner or later it’s going to affect us. You and me. And I’ve gotten used to having you around, Boo. If there’s anything I can do to fix whatever’s going on, I think I should know.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s the way you smell.”

  “What?! The way I smell? I don’t smell bad. You said you like the way I smell.” The way I smelled? I couldn’t do anything about that, could I? Change my diet? Oh, geez, not that again.

  “I do like the way you smell. But I’m not Perez. And it’s not that you stink... it’s that she thinks there’s something... odd about your scent.”

  “Odd?”

  “It rubs her the wrong way.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever rubbed anyone the wrong way before.”

  “This really bothers you, huh? You’re used to being liked.”

  “Well, Josh Katz didn’t like me. I accepted that.”

  “Josh Katz was a murderer. I don’t think he counts.”

  “True. But I’m friendly and approachable. Everyone says so. I’ve never met a dog – or a regular cat – who didn’t want to be my friend. So yeah, it bothers me. I don’t think it would if she was some random stranger, but she’s your partner and your friend. It’s important to me that we get along, at least.”

  ❧

  Boo was gone the next morning when I was awoken – awakened? woken up? – whatever – by someone leaning on the downstairs buzzer. I raised the open window far enough to stick my head out and saw Perez on the doorstep, getting ready to hit the button again.

  “I’m coming!” I called down to her, and turned to pull on a t-shirt and shorts. I checked the clock – seven-thirty. She must have stopped by on her way to work.

  I shot a glare at Don’s door as I passed by. He must have blabbed, and it’s not like I could say anything to him because he didn’t know that “Princess” was actually Perez. I braced myself, and opened the door.

  “Good mor –”

  “You’re a psychic.” It wasn’t a question – it was an accusation.

  “Yeah.” No point in lying about it.

  “Can you read my mind?”

  “No.”

  She was right up in my face, so close I could see the golden flecks in her brown eyes. They reminded me of her eyes when she was in Cat form.

  “Where did you go just now?”

  “Huh?”

  “Your mind was drifting, I could tell. What is it with you, anyways?”

  “Maybe you’re the psychic?”

  She inhaled, a sharp sound, and started to bristle.

  “Can you tell
what I’m thinking? Feeling?”

  “No. I told you. It doesn’t work like that. You can ask Petreski.”

  She took a step back. And then another. “I will.”

  “I –”

  She held up her hand, and I shut my mouth. “I knew there was something off about you. I knew there was something Petreski wasn’t telling me.” She sounded hurt as much as angry.

  “I don’t run around telling people what I am, any more than you do.”

  She didn’t say anything for a few seconds, then nodded once before turning on her heel and striding down the walk towards her car. I turned to go back inside, thinking about what she had said. Was there some kind of body chemistry difference about me because of my abilities? And why did Perez pick up on it, but not Petreski?

  Don blabbed, I texted to Petreski. I didn’t add “I told you so,” but I thought it real hard.

  Jake Meets a Girl

  Dani was on the patio of Ground Up, frowning at something on a laptop screen. Ruby was sitting on the ground at her feet, leaning against Dani’s leg and watching a floppy-eared King Charles spaniel puppy chew on a rawhide bone. Ruby started wagging her tail as I approached, and Dani looked up.

  “Uh, Dani Jarvis?”

  “Yes.” She stood and held out her hand. “Jake Hillebrand?”

  “That’s right.” She had a firm handshake and I was reminded that whoever killed Lana would have to be strong.

  “You look...” she cocked her head to one side. “Have we met before?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  Ruby had come over to sniff my feet and ankles when I sat, and I leaned over so she could sniff my hand.

  “She likes you.”

  “Dogs usually do. I’m kind of an animal magnet, I guess.”

  The spaniel puppy had inched his way over, but his leash was too short for him to reach me.

  Dani snapped her fingers. “I just remembered! You were there!”

  “Huh? Where?”

  “The park. The other morning when... Lana... you know when I mean, right?”

  I couldn’t deny it. “Yeah. I remember seeing you there now.”

  “But why were you there?”

  I couldn’t tell the whole truth, not by a long shot, and especially not if I wanted her to tell me anything about Lana or Standing. “It’s kind of a weird coincidence. My boyfriend – Detective Petreski – is in charge of the case.”

  “The good-looking one in the nice suit? The tall one?”

  “That would be him. I was there for something else.” I really hoped she didn’t ask many more questions because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could bluff through this.

  She looked at me, and I could tell she was sizing me up. “That is a weird coincidence,” was all she said.

  “Well... I think maybe my friend’s post on the neighborhood site, looking for Lana so he could find you? I think maybe that raised a red flag – someone looking for her, I mean.”

  “Mm... Maybe.”

  “I’m... I am really sorry about your friend.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to do this so soon. I mean, if you’d rather wait and do this another day...”

  “Oh, no.” She narrowed her eyes and looked me up and down. “I see what you’re trying to do.”

  “Um... you do?”

  “You’re trying to get out of this because you don’t want to get in shape.”

  “I... uh, yeah. I am. Sorry.” I was only mostly lying.

  She shook her head. “I’ve cracked tougher nuts than you.”

  Why did she have to make it sound so painful? I didn’t like the idea of my nuts getting cracked.

  “Would you like to see my references? Or talk to any of my other clients?”

  “Oh, I have a friend who’s familiar with your work. If she says you’re okay, that’s good enough for me.”

  “Oh. Do you mind if I ask who?”

  “Jennifer Katz.”

  She looked at me again, and then her eyes got big. “Oh... You’re that Jake, aren’t you?”

  “Um, which Jake?”

  “The one who was there when her – uck – when Josh tried to kill her?”

  “Oh. Yeah.” I’d be glad when people started forgetting about that. I felt a weight on my feet and looked down to see Ruby settling in. She huffed out a sigh and tilted her head up to look at me.

  “Okay. I can see you’re not comfortable talking about it. That’s cool.”

  “Thanks. It still feels like it happened to someone else, you know?”

  She nodded. “I get it. So let’s talk about your fitness goals. What made you decide to meet with a personal trainer?”

  “It was Don’s idea, really. He’s my friend who filled out the questionnaire. But he said something the other day about me getting fat if I wasn’t careful. Jennifer said I should get in shape now and stay in shape so I’ll stay healthy, or something like that. Petreski says I look fine, but he would say that no matter what, I think.”

  “But what do you think?”

  “I don’t know. I had a dream the other night that I was fat, but I think that was because Don was giving me a hard time about eating cookies. I really don’t want to get fat, but I’m not very good at saying no to sweets, or beer, or cheese. Oh, and nuts and hot dogs. Pie... I really like pie.” I thought about Dean on Supernatural and sighed. He ate pie and burgers all the time and didn’t get fat, but that wasn’t real life, and even if it was, chasing demons and killing monsters probably burned a lot of calories.

  “Would you say you’re a creature of habit?”

  “Oh, yeah. I guess I am. I like to have a routine, even though it’s constantly getting disrupted.”

  “And that stresses you out?”

  “A bit.”

  “Would you say you eat more when you get stressed?”

  “Oh. That’s a good question. I never thought about it. Maybe?”

  “One thing I recommend to all my clients, no matter what, is finding a way to reduce stress. These days, everyone’s got it. Job, family, school, information overload. Relationships, money. Everyone’s different, but it’s there. And stress disrupts your sleep, affects your hormones, and can cause you to overeat or drink too much.”

  “I’ve been trying meditation.”

  “That’s an excellent idea. Yoga can also be good for stress, you know.”

  “I had a feeling you were going to say that.”

  We chatted a while longer. I didn’t bring up Lana or Bobby Standing, figuring that since she had recognized me from the crime scene she might think I was digging for information. Well, to be fair, I wanted to. She took a lot of notes, and I went ahead and signed up for a one month trial. She was going to write up some dietary guidelines for me.

  “Not a diet,” she said. “You’re lucky – you’re not overweight. We just want to get you on an eating plan that will work with the exercise program we’ll come up with.”

  She promised I’d still be able to drink beer if I wanted, but I’d have to be ready to make other sacrifices instead. I wasn’t sure I liked the sound of that. We’d be meeting again in a couple of days so she could assess my fitness level and measure my body fat percentage.

  Our business wrapped up, we said our good-byes and I eased my feet out from under Ruby. I took my empty coffee cup inside and left it in the dish bin, waving to Harry as I left the shop and started walking home.

  All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp

  “I think we should go to that gentleman’s club.”

  “Say what?” Don looked up from the library book he was reading.

  “The club where Lana worked? We should check it out. Maybe we’ll learn something.”

  “I don’t think so.” Don started reading again.

  I flopped down on the other end of his sofa and waited for Bridger to come investigate me. He always did.

  “I’ll buy you a lap dance.”

  “That sounds awful. No, thanks.”
/>   “Well, I can’t go by myself. Petreski would kill me.”

  “If I go with you he’ll kill both of us.”

  “You didn’t have any problem with setting me up to meet Dani. What’s with the scruples all of a sudden?”

  “Scruples?”

  “Yeah, scruples. Like, worrying about –”

  “I know what it means, Jake. It just sounds weird when you say it.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing. Just... there’s a big difference between meeting a legitimate personal trainer in a public place in the middle of the day and hanging around a dark club watching women take their clothes off.”

  “Well, I admit it doesn’t sound very appealing. But then, I’m not interested in women taking their clothes off in general.”

  “I’m just saying, a lot of times there’s illegal activity going on in places like that – drugs, sex work, that kind of stuff. I just don’t think we should be getting anywhere near the whole scene.”

  “Hmm... All the more reason to check it out. What if Lana found out something? Or was involved in something that got her killed?”

  “Do you ever listen to yourself? That’s all the more reason to stay away. If there’s anything going on there, or she was involved in anything, the police will find out. Let the professionals deal with it.”

  I pulled out my phone and opened the web browser.

  “What are you doing now?” Don asked.

  “What was the name of that club, again?”

  “Not telling. You can find it on your own.”

  “’Kay.”

  I started a search, and with all we knew it wasn’t difficult to find.

  “Slippery When Wet?”

  “They have a theme.”

  “Ew. I guess. They’re open now. Ooh, they have a lunch buffet!”

  “No.”

  “All-you-can-eat shrimp!”

  “No.”

  “But –”

  “What would your trainer say?”

  “She’s not really my trainer, and it’s lunchtime. I’m going to go get some shrimp and check out the big aquarium. Aren’t you curious about the aquarium? Oh...”

  “What? Oh what?”