It was horrible, but in my head, I was considering that this might be a fight to stay alive.
Rusty remained quiet in the seat next to me. I finally got up the nerve to turn and look at him and noticed that his eyes were already on me. I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Are you goin’ to kill me? I read somewhere that a cemetery is the perfect place to hide a body.” Why was I feeding him with ideas? He already had a plan for me. I wondered if there was a shovel in the back of the truck.
He didn’t move his head from the steering wheel. “I told you before that I wasn’t going to hurt you. Is that what you think of me? You think I’m a murderer? I’ve done nothing but been nice to you, and still you think I’m a terrible person. What do I have to do to prove that I’m not?”
“What am I supposed to think? You just drove me to Bumfuck. There ain’t a house around within yellin’ distance. Just so you know, my family will find out. They’ll kill you if you harm me in any way.”
He started to laugh at me and shook his head. “You’re hopeless, Iz.”
“Isabella,” I corrected.
“Whatever. Get out of the truck. There’s something I need to show you.”
I was reluctant, but had a feeling he was going to force me if I didn’t. Just because he was saying he wasn’t going to harm me didn’t mean it wasn’t going to happen. I hopped down from the truck, and watched him start walking way from me.
For a few seconds I looked behind me, wondering if somewhere inside of the old church in the distance I’d be able to find help. I certainly didn’t want to drive home for hours with this guy. He’d clearly lost his marbles, and I didn’t want to help him find them.
This was probably why he worked on the ranch. Maybe his family had him declared insane and he had to run away to elude the insane asylum. Obviously he wasn’t taking any of his prescribed medicine. If he had been I was sure he wouldn’t have practically kidnapped me from the clinic.
“Are you coming or not?”
My heart jumped when I heard him talking to me. I turned to see him standing there waiting for me. “Yeah. I’m comin’.”
I hated that he waited for me to get close before he started walking through the graveyard again. At first I wasn’t sure what he was doing. We walked for a while and then he started looking down at the ground, as if he’d lost something. Then I noticed the tiny headstones getting bigger in size. The dates on the graves were becoming more recent.
We walked past a few more before coming to a stone bench. He circled around it and ducked down, wiping off where a name would be. I sat on the bench, still wondering what he was doing. “Are you lookin’ for somethin’ in particular?”
“No. I found them.”
“You found who?” I was at least a little bit curious.
“I’m glad you’re sitting, because this is probably going to take me a while. You say you don’t know me, so obviously you refuse to trust me. That baby growing inside of you needs to be protected. I know you’re probably thinking I’ve lost it. The truth is, I did lose it, but it was a long time ago. Now I just live my life the best I know how to do, because I know there’s no going back.”
“What did you do, Rusty? Tell me why you brought me all the way out here, because I’ve tried to keep calm, but this had gone far enough. If you don’t start explainin’ right now I’m goin’ to start screamin’.” Was this the graves of people he’d killed?
“My family is…,” he said in a whisper. “Sorry, this is harder than I thought.” When his body sort of collapsed onto the ground, I started to realize that this wasn’t really about me at all. This poor man was in pain and I had no idea why.
“Your family? Do they live near here? Is this your parents graves?”
He shook his head. “No. It’s not my parents. My precious little girl is buried here, Isabella. She was three when God took her away from me.” He wiped the edge of his eye, causing me to look at his face. His lips trembled as he began talking again. “She was my everything. I lived and breathed to be near her. She was so beautiful. Her pretty blonde hair was always so full of curls, and it would bounce when she would walk or run.” He looked into the distance, trying to compose himself to carry on. “Her eyes, were so green, just like her mother’s. I’ll never be able to get them out of my mind, even if I wanted to. One look at either of them and I was pudding in their hands.”
I heard him sniffle and take another break from talking. In a matter of minutes all of my fear had dissipated. “Oh my God. Rusty, I had no idea.” Imagining anyone losing their child was awful, but this man was clearly in so much pain that he’d tried to bury it, by running away. “How did it happen?”
He sniffled and wiped his face again. “Honestly, I don’t even know if the doctors were certain. They called it bacterial meningitis. She was fine in the morning and dead by dinner. We had no warning. I still remember that day. She came into our bedroom and woke us both up. She kept begging for us to take her to the park, but I had yard work to do, and I told her no.” He broke down, making it difficult to speak. “All she wanted to do was go on the damn swings and I couldn’t give her a few minutes of my time. How could I be so selfish?” His sad eyes were so lost.
My body lurched forward until my arms were around his crouched body. “I’m so sorry, Rusty.” I could feel hot tears building in my own eyes. I pictured this healthy little girl smiling, and then her being gone. The agony that he must have gone through every single day since then had to take a toll on him. “I can’t imagine what you must have felt that day.”
“I just don’t understand why. I was a good father. I protected her, and made sure she wasn’t ever scared. To this day it haunts me when I think about the way she looked in that hospital bed. It was like she knew I couldn’t save her. I’ve never felt someone’s fear before that day. I’ve never felt pain until that moment she took her last breath.”
My cheeks were wet as I continued to try to fight my own emotions. Being pregnant didn’t make it any easier. Then I realized why he’d brought me here. I knew exactly what he was trying to force me to see, and any ill feelings I had for the man were suddenly gone. “She knew you were there with her, Rusty. That has to count for somethin’.”
“This is the first time I’ve been here. I couldn’t come before, because it only makes it all play out in my head again. I hate myself for wanting to forget her. I just don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel the constant ache that I have for her.”
I pulled him closer and let the grown man cry. “I get it, Rusty.”
He moved back and looked up at me. His eyes were so glossed over I wondered if he could actually see me as he spoke. “Do you? Can you understand how life is precious?”
“Of course. Look, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. That’s why I didn’t go directly inside.” He was questioning my ability to be compassionate. I had to stay calm to be able to comfort him without getting defensive.
“You don’t know how lucky you are. A child is a beautiful blessing. When you think your life is over, you’ll have that one person that’s going to love you unconditionally. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t give to have just more day with her. I’m begging you, Isabella, please don’t give up that chance at happiness. Even if it’s only for a little amount of time, being a parent is the most wonderful gift.”
A rush of painful emotions hit me all at once. The fact that I’d even considered making that appointment said a lot about my faith in my family, and myself.
Then Rusty moved to the side. There wasn’t just one name on the headstone.
He looked from me to the gravestone and I watched his body sag. “My wife couldn’t take the loss of our daughter. She couldn’t handle any of it. On the day that our daughter passed away she fainted. The doctor gave her some pills to relax, so we’d be able to make arrangements and such. When we arrived at the funeral home she used the ladies room and never came back out. She took the whole bottle, and sat on the cold floor with a picture of ou
r daughter in her hands.”
I covered my mouth with my hands. “Oh no.”
He cried harder as he attempted to finish. “She just wanted to be with our daughter again. She couldn’t live without her.”
What was I supposed to say to him? I didn’t know where to begin. He’d brought me our here to save a life, while drudging up the memories of something that no person should ever have to endure. “I am so so sorry.” It was all I could come up with. While fighting my own tears I sat there watching him break down over the loss of his family. I wondered how many nights he’d sat awake wondering what could have been if they’d both lived. I thought about him being alone in that old trailer, and how he’d preferred to bottle up all of that pain for so long.
It made me feel like the devil. I’d flaunted my perfect life in front of him, while he desperately tried to communicate. He’d been so kind to me, while living with a secret that ripped him apart.
A wave of regret hit me, causing me to get up and leave him sitting there alone. I couldn’t handle it any longer. It was as if I’d known them and watched it all fall apart. I was living through his memories of them, experiencing what he went through firsthand. It was all too much to bear.
One thing was for certain as I watched him from afar. I was going to keep my baby, and treasure every single moment of that child’s life, because it was a blessing. My family was going to have to help me, and they wouldn’t be happy about it, but I didn’t care.
Chapter 12
Rusty
When I started driving, I hadn’t considered what it would be like for me. I couldn’t have known that I’d break down in front of her like that. Even when I was losing control of my emotions, I could feel her responding in a way that she’d never done before.
For the first time she trusted me. All it took was for me to bear my soul to her.
She needed to know, though. She needed to know how precious life was, so that any inclination of wanting an abortion would be gone forever.
After I’d broken down and told her about my family, she gave me some time to be alone. It was difficult for me to be there, knowing that beneath me in the ground were the two people that I’d loved more than life itself.
I wished that I could hate my wife for taking her own life, but understood why she felt it necessary to do so. Living every single day, waking up and knowing they were gone, was my own personal hell. For so long I’d been alone, never wanting to get close to anyone, in fear of losing them. I’d made peace with living in seclusion, because it gave me a sense of security.
Then I saw her one day from afar. She was feeding one of the horses an apple, while I stood in the stables watching. Even before I peered into those familiar green eyes, I was attracted to something else. She had this contagious smile, and when she was all by herself, she’d hold her head up high, as if nothing could bring her down.
Things had changed since that first day she’d caught my eye. Isabella had gone through a lot, and it had taken a toll on the way she carried herself.
I don’t know why I thought taking her to my family’s gravesite would somehow bring her to change her mind. I suppose that for a little while I lost my ability to rationalize with what I was doing. The moment I saw her so torn up in front of that clinic I knew that nothing was going to stop me until I had my point across.
The problem with my theory was that there were going to be after effects. Isabella knew my secret, and it was only a matter of time before the whole Mitchell family found out. Then I’d be faced with a decision. I could face the life that I’d left behind, or move on to another place where my past wouldn’t come back to haunt me.
For the time being, my focus had to stay on Isabella. She wouldn’t admit that she needed me, but I knew otherwise.
When I finally gained enough courage to move, I noticed that she was standing against my truck. I walked slowly, trying to think of something to say the lighten the mood. In my sudden situation I knew that nothing was going to work. It was a good thing that she took the lead. “Hey. How about we get somethin’ to eat. My treat.”
In that moment I knew that this whole ordeal had turned the tables on who was the vulnerable one. Isabella felt sorry for me, and she was willing to be nice to make it easier to cope.
At any rate, I wanted to be around her as much as possible. “Sure. That sounds nice.”
My old hometown remained the same as the day I’d left it. I drove on the outskirts, avoiding passing by where I used to live with my wife and child. I’d already suffered enough for one day. To make sure that I didn’t see anyone I knew, I took her to an old truck stop that served breakfast twenty-four hours. I could tell that she was fine with it when she started talking about one that she’d been to a long time ago with her parents.
By the time the waitress came to our table I’d heard all about their road trip that they took one summer. It was nice hearing her talk about details in her life. Had it been one day earlier I would have only gotten a wave. Somehow confessing my tragedy had changed the way she acted around me.
“I’m sorry again for today. I had no right to put you through that. I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t find it comforting that you saw me lose it like that.”
She reached cross the table and touched my hand. “It’s okay. I totally understand.”
I could have played the hand that I’d been dealt with two ways.
I could take advantage of the situation and manipulate her into liking me, or I could face the facts and understand that she was doing this out of pity. Either way it was a loss for my ego. No matter how I tried to spin it I knew she didn’t like me, and that she’d never be interested. If I wanted this girl’s attention, I was going to have to get it some other way.
“This town is pretty nice. I would have never pegged you for living in Indiana.”
I took a sip of soda and laughed at the way she was looking at me. It was strange to have her trying to read me.
“This was where my wife’s family is from. I lived in Maryland up until I was fifteen. We moved to Indiana when my father sold his company. I met Simone in college.”
She cut me off before I could continue telling her my story. “Wait. Did you just say you went to college?”
“Yeah. I went to college.”
“And you’re workin’ on a ranch, shovelin’ shit for a livin’?”
I chuckled and messed around with the glass, trying to avoid answering. When I looked up she gave me this look like she wasn’t going to let up until I told her everything. “I left that life behind me a long time ago, Iz.”
She put her head down and sighed. “I don’t blame you. I don’t know what I would have done if I were in your shoes, Rusty. I feel like this whole day is my fault.”
“It’s not. I think it’s something I needed to do for myself.”
“Does my cousin know about any of this?”
I didn’t want to be considered a liar, but I certainly couldn’t make up enough excuses to justify keeping my past from my employer. If anyone should have known what I’d been through it was him. “He doesn’t know anything, and I’d really appreciate it if he didn’t find out. Some things are left buried, especially when they pertain my sanity.”
“I get it. I can’t blame you. My family can be nosey. You’re lucky Noah isn’t like his daddy. He’s more withdrawn. I think as long as you keep doin’ a good job he’ll never ask.”
“What about your secret,” I quickly changed the subject. “When do you plan on telling him, and the rest of your family?”
She shrugged, and I watched her face scrunch up. “I don’t know. I suppose that I could tell Shalan, or maybe my grandmother, but everyone else won’t support me. I think it would be best if I just waited until after my first trimester was over. That way they can’t try to talk me out of it. If I’m really goin’ to go through with this pregnancy than I have a lot of things I need to figure out. I’m not ready to deal with their added stress. This is too big of a change to have
to adapt to.”
I folded my hands and leaned forward. “I’m going to let you in on a secret about becoming a parent. No matter how much you try to prepare, you’re never really ready. You’re going to be a great mother. The moment you hold him or her in your arms for the first time you’ll know what I’m talking about. It really is the most beautiful moment of my life.”
Right away I thought about the worst moment of my life. I still wasn’t sure which hurt the worse; losing Simone, or Sydney. I’d never want to compare one to the other, but it was literally an unforgettable prolonged pain. To deal with their losses at the same time was horrendous. I went through the motions, with no real life coming out of me. For the most part I was dead inside. How anyone expected me to pick up those pieces and move forward was beyond my reasoning. They obviously had no idea what it was like to wake up one day and be without air. They couldn’t fathom what it felt like to look around my house and see only reminders of them everywhere.
I had to leave it all behind, because I couldn’t handle it any longer. It was either leave that life or put a bullet in my skull.
“Do you have a picture of them?” Her question sent immediate chills to my spine. Opening my wallet had become a chore, because I knew their faces were always inside. Reluctant, I pulled it open and pushed it across the table.
Her eyes increased in size when she saw in the pictures what I’d been seeing every time I looked at her. The resemblance was so similar, and there was no denying it.
“Oh my God. We could be sisters.”
I played with my hands, contemplating the notion of talking about it further. “Yeah. You can imagine what it was like for me to see you from afar on that first day. I was a bit freaked out.”
“I bet. They’re both very beautiful.” She started to laugh. “Is that conceited?”
I actually found humor in her question, enough to break a smile myself. “No. Even though you resemble each other, you’re very different. Simone was a wonderful mother. In fact, there was nothing she wouldn’t do for our daughter, but she was quiet, and somewhat shy. She liked the idea of the three of us living in a secluded cabin, where we didn’t have to associate with society.”
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