Chapter 21
I’ve been spending most my time back in Plantain either at the clubhouse, or meeting Bree. She was taking Grant’s death hard, and I felt like I couldn’t try to help her when she would ask me to talk or meet to talk. Katie didn’t know anything about it, and I didn’t want her to. I knew I couldn’t explain the guilt I felt for living and Grant dying. In some sort of way, I felt like if I could give Bree some sort of comfort in retelling her that he didn’t suffer, that he died quickly, then I would, even if I had to tell her over and over again.
As much as I was trying to help her, talking about what happened there, did nothing to help me, it just made the bubble around me larger. Every morning I felt like I could wake up and start living, make things right with my own family, but then Bree would call and I’d be sucked back down into the rabbit hole. Every night the nightmares came, dreams of me being in Grant’s place, my family at my funeral. I wake up in a cold sweat and curl up beside Katie sleeping. I look at her perfection, the want to hold her and love her, and have her love me in return, but I’m scum now and she deserves better.
I didn’t like that Katie talked with Michael while I was away, and I knew I was being hypocritical, but Katie wouldn’t understand. When Bree called me while I was at the clubhouse, I told her I was busy and would call her later. I wasn’t busy, but I knew I needed to stop talking to her as much.
My dad and I were sitting at the bar when she just showed up, and I rushed over to stop her at the door. I thought it was disrespectful for her to come here, and it didn’t make me look good that another woman was here to see me when they all know I’m married. I knew most the guys aren’t faithful, but those guys I didn’t give a shit about. It was my dad, Sven, Smokey, Dornan, and God help me if Maven found out, she’d have my head.
“What are you doing here?” I ask as I approach her.
She gives me a smile and a little shrug.
“I just really need to talk to someone,” she says quietly.
“I told you I was busy.”
My hand on her bicep attempts to turn her towards the door, instead she pulls out a chair at the table closest to us and takes a seat.
“Just for a few minutes,” she asks hopefully.
I exhale and rub my hand across the back of my neck.
“Joey,” Dornan says behind me and I turn, “need to talk to you.”
I nod and don’t say anything to Bree as I walk over towards the apartment hallway where he’s standing. We walk a few feet in so no one can see us and he nails me with an angry glare.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he asks with venom.
“She’s just a friend-”
“Katie know about this friend?”
“It’s not like that,” I reply.
“While you don’t spend time with your wife and kids, you spend it with her?” he asks with raised brows, accusation in his tone.
“It’s not like that!” I repeat in defense.
“What is it like then? You have me, and Katie, and all these people who give a fuck about you, see you stuck in your head and are here for you no matter what, but you can talk to this person you don’t even know?”
“I get it okay?” I say with my arms out at my sides.
“No, you don’t fucking get it, right now you look like an asshole who brought your side piece to a place that’s not open to just anyone, while your wife’s worried sick about you, man.”
“I can’t fucking talk to her,” I admit.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want her to know all the shit I did when I was gone, she’ll think I’m a total asshole.”
“You mean to tell me, Katie, who’s always been there for you…wouldn’t try to understand? She knows you were at war Joey, she didn’t think you were off baking cookies somewhere.”
“I killed people, innocent people, how do I tell her that?” I ask. “I kept what happened to her parents from her, it all just keeps building up. I’m not a good person anymore D, not the person she fell in love with-”
His hands grip the collar of my shirt, slamming me against the wall with a growl.
“Get your fucking head out of your ass, Joey! She loves you, you! All she wants is you back, any you, she won’t care who you’ve become…that’s what all of us want. You need to get your shit together or you’re going to lose your family.”
His words have me reeling. I hadn’t thought about Katie leaving me. I know she’s put up with a lot, but we all have breaking points. She might love me, but she needs to do what’s best for her and the girls at some point.
“I hear you,” I say in a defeated voice.
A moment later, he lets me go and steps back.
“You have to make things right,” he says.
I nod and swallow, watching his back as he walks away from me. I fix my shirt and head back out towards the commons area of the clubhouse. There’s two beers sitting at the table, Bree’s hands wrapped around one. When she notices me, she smiles widely. I take a seat and look down, trying to think of how I need to tell her this.
“I can’t talk to with you anymore,” I state.
I look up at her when she remains silent. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, it’s not good for either of us…I don’t want to relive that day over and over. I told you a million times he loved you and then he was dead. You need to go to a therapist or something, I can’t help you anymore than I have. I need to do what’s best for my family and working on me is what I need to do right now.”
Her lower lip quivers, shock in her eyes at my words.
“Of course, if you ever need me I’m only a phone call away, but not every day anymore.”
“Katie.”
My wife’s name has my head shooting up to see her standing there. The look on her face nearly rips my heart out. She’s stunned but I can tell not surprised. I know she knows I’ve been getting phone calls at all hours, but doesn’t know from who.
But did she really think I was cheating on her? My wife, the love of my life. How could she ever? I can barely get hard since I’ve been home, and when I did, the day Michael came over to see her, I think it was my body’s way of telling me I need to claim my wife again. I want to be with her, but I can’t when I keep so much inside from her and everyone.
My dad walks up and starts urging her towards the door, as I stand and walk towards her.
“You need to go,” Maven tells Bree, hands on her hips as she looks like she’s about to breathe fire.
“Oh no, was that your wife?” Bree asks, blinking up at me.
“Go,” I say with my eyes on Katie’s retreating back.
“Joey,” Maven says, stepping in front of me.
“Don’t,” I tell her.
But her hands press on my chest and she shoves me back a step.
“What?!” I shout, my face inches from hers.
“You’re a real asshole,” Maven says right back at me.
“Yeah, I know!”
“V,” Dornan says, walking up between us.
“Katie is the best fuckin’ person I know, you’re an asshole.”
Her eyes pierce mine, and I know her and Dornan are right, that’s what I fear Katie will see too. An overwhelming weight falls on me, that everyone knows who I am, the truth and that all I’ve done is hurt the people I love.
“V!” Dornan says again, this time grabbing Maven by the hips and urging her to step back as he says something in her ear.
Everyone’s looking at us, and Dornan turns to look at me, just like how Maven is. Like I make them sick, that they can’t believe they were friends with me once.
Chapter 22
I see Joey’s bike parked in the driveway, but he’s nowhere in sight when I come in the back door. I walk down the hallway and into our bedroom, not sure where he could be. But he’s not there, and I see the closet door open, so I walk over and glance inside. Joey’s sitting there, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, and I see his handgun s
itting on the floor between his feet. My stomach bottoms out and dread fills my veins. Slowly, I step closer and carefully sink to my knees beside him.
“I’m so fucking sorry Katie.”
I feel the corners of my lips pull down, I don’t know what he’s apologizing for exactly, but I’d hoped he’d not want to talk because that means the end of us. But this situation seems like more than what we just experienced at the clubhouse.
“I’m fucking ashamed for what I’ve been doing since I’ve been back, I don’t even want you to look at me.”
His head shaking in his hands.
“So, you’ve been seeing her, Grant’s widow?” I ask in a watery voice.
I’m not sure why I’m bringing this up since clearly this is about so much more than that. But if this is his PTSD, he won’t talk to me about it.
He sighs, my heart pausing as I wait for his words.
“I thought I’d be fine, being back,” he sighs and raises his head, looking straight ahead, his eyes red rimmed and watery. “When I was over there, I knew what to expect. I knew someone was always out there trying to kill me, and to be on guard. But here, the girls cry, and I don’t know what they need…it scares me more to be here than to be in war.”
I feel a pang in my heart, and I close my eyes as the tears fall. I’m waiting, just waiting for him to say the words…that he doesn’t want to be with the kids anymore, to be with me anymore. It’s the way I’ve felt since he’s been back. That we’re a bother, that we’re not what he wants.
“When they cry and scream for you, I picture the babies crying in the road laying with their dead mothers,” his voice warbling at the last few words.
I wipe under my nose, picturing what he’s saying, and I can’t imagine seeing the things he has. Experiencing things no one should see, and then coming back to a life where no one you know has seen them, no one can relate to that horror. How the pictures in your mind will never go away. I want to help him so badly, but how? The words he says can conjure emotions and imagery for me, but not the feel, not the experience.
“I feel like a fucking time bomb, that at any moment-” he stops.
I look at him, wanting to comfort him. But if I touch him and he moves away from me, I can’t handle that right now.
“What’s in my head…the death, the sounds, the smells,” he states and turns his head to face me.
I’ve never seen someone look so desperate, so scared.
“Joey, you don’t have to be strong right now…I can be that for you, just like you’ve been for me…it’s a fight we can handle, together,” I tell him.
He looks away from me and down at the gun, and I inhale sharply and try to swallow the fear.
“I’m not the boy you fell in love with anymore.”
“You’re right…you’re the man I love now. I’m not the same girl you first met. We’re adults, we’ve grown into the people we are through the experiences we’ve had. But I love you more now than I did then, that’s what being married is. Not everything is supposed to be perfect, that’s not real life. But I won’t give up on us, not ever. The girls and I will always be here for you, even at your lowest, there’s nothing you could have ever done that will stop us from loving you…but we need you.”
“I’m not good for you and the girls to be around.”
He looks at me, and this time this feels more like he wants to go than to use that gun on himself. I look down, holding my breath until he tells me it’s over. My fingers pinch at the hem of my sweatshirt, then his hand comes into my line of sight. He pries my fingers away from the fabric, and puts my hand in his.
“Look at me,” he whispers right in front of me.
I shake my head, tears dripping off my lashes onto our hands.
“I’m going to start counseling,” he says.
I say nothing, still waiting, because that can’t be all he’s going to say.
“What do you think?” he asks.
I nod.
“Katie?”
“And you’re leaving us too, right?” I ask, looking at him with raised brows.
His brows furrow, looking at me in question with his wet eyes.
“Is that,” he stops and swallows, “is that what you want?”
“It’s not about what I want, you say you aren’t good for me or the girls to be around, is that a ‘nice’ way of saying you’re leaving?” I ask.
He shakes his head slightly. “That’s not what I was meaning, but I understand if you think I shouldn’t be living here until I get my shit together.”
I inhale, sniffling, and just looking at him.
“Do you want to be with us? I mean truly, this is the time to just tell me. Because I’m already expecting it, so don’t drop it on me later when I think everything’s okay-”
He releases my hand and moves his to my face, turning me to look at him,
“Katie, we’ve been through too much together, we’ve been apart so long. Nothing could ever make me want to be away from you or our family again, it would take the world exploding for that to happen. I love you all more than you will ever know, and that love is what kept me going every day I was away. Being home, I can’t let go of what happened over there, losing Grant right in front of me…I need to be able to handle the things I won’t ever forget, I need you to be there for me through this.”
I reach up and run my fingers down his beard, then bring my forehead to rest on his cheek.
“I will always be here for you, and I’ll wait forever until you get to where you need to be. I can’t lose you, I won’t lose you to this. The girls and I need you, the you we love, and that’s not who you are right now.”
I raise my head and see tear tracks below his eyes.
“Start counseling, and if you think you need to be alone when you start going through this, I’ll understand that. We need to do what’s best for our daughters, I don’t like them seeing you this way, instead of the man I know you are in there.” I press my palm against his heart. “Just come back to us,” I whisper.
A breath tears from his chest as he takes my lips in a kiss, before we wrap our arms around one another. His body is trembling and I rub my hand up and down his back, his head burying into the crook of my neck. I cup his face and begin kissing his skin, and I feel the stress, and pain leaving me because I know Joey and I both want the same thing…to be happy.
“Did you sleep with her?” I ask, looking up into his eyes.
“No, you’re my girl, always.”
With a sob, I attach my lips to his, our bodies pressing closer together. He kisses me as the tears fall from my closed eyes, my heart beating with warmth and sending a feeling all through me that I finally have my husband back. His strong hands grasp under my ass, pulling me up to spread my legs around his waist as he stands us up and begins walking.
My back softly pressing onto the mattress as he lays us down. His lips kiss down my neck and I wrap my arms around his shoulders, squeezing him closer to me. I missed the feel of him so much, more than I knew. It’s like a song you haven’t heard in a while and instantly remember why you love it. We make quick work of our clothing, and his naked skin on mine triggers so many memories, sparking that love for him I pushed down to save myself the heart break I assumed was coming.
“I love you so much, beautiful,” he says against my lips, just as he slides his cock inside me.
I gasp and moan as he fills me, my legs wrapping around his hips and clasping my ankles together against his lower back. We move together, and all I want is just to have this connection with him. I was so scared I’d never get this feeling back with him, and relief and elation overcome me. His thumbs run along my cheeks, his lips run along my forehead as his hips pause and our bodies stay united. My fingers interlace with his, my head turning to kiss his palm and his lips find my neck. I know this is just the beginning of a long journey it will take to make Joey better, but as long as we do it together, we can do anything.
“When I was over there, I would he
ar your voice all the time,” Joey says as we lie in bed together.
“You did?” I laugh out. “What would I say?”
My fingers play with the beard on his chin as I rest my head on his shoulder.
“If we went somewhere and someone was talking a lot, your voice would be telling them to shut up, when it was really hot you’d complain about it, stuff like that-”
“So basically I was your conscience?” I tease.
“Yeah, I guess so,” he says with a smile.
I close my eyes and take in his feel and smell.
“I heard you say my name,” he starts and I look back up at him. “When I got thrown out of the hum-v, I heard you calling my name like I needed to get up.”
I take his hand in mine and toy with his fingers, letting his words hang there, but inside I know this is progress.
“I’m sorry I’m putting you all through this,” he says and rubs his face with his free hand. “I just don’t know how to deal with the truths, that when you hear what I’ve done, you won’t want me anymore, you’ll see how terrible I am.”
“Joey,” I say lifting onto my elbows. “I didn’t want to tell you what was going on with my parents, I kept that because I was embarrassed and ashamed, I knew you wouldn’t understand. I oddly loved them, even though they hurt me. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never experienced that. When you and your family found out, saw me torn to shreds…I was mortified, humiliated, and I just felt stupid. I knew you could help me but I didn’t want to involve you in it, didn’t want you to feel like you needed to bear my burden.”
My fingers run down his cheek, then above his eyebrow.
“You looked at me, all pathetic and weak and you took care of me, and never stopped loving me. Nothing that you did will make me think differently of you.”
He leans over and kisses me, his hair falling around my face and causing me to giggle as the tendrils dance along my skin and tickle me.
“You going to keep your hair long?” I ask.
“Wanna cut it for me?”
Take On Me: Plantain Series Book Three Page 21