I thought back to my experience with my ex-wife as our marriage was crumbling. There were so many times when she reacted defensively to what I said or did. There could be no doubt that I had repeatedly fallen into the Persecutor role.
Ted continued, “When you notice how the other person is reacting to you, the first thing to do is to clarify your intention. What are you really doing? If your intention is to look good, to be right, to be one up, or to instill fear, then you must stop in your tracks. Gather yourself and apologize for your actions or words. Then, the hardest part is to let go of the whole thing.
“One the other hand, if you are clear that your intention is to challenge the other person to learn or to develop his capacity as a Creator, the best thing to do is to ask for a ‘do over.’ Begin by acknowledging that your behavior did not come across as you had intended and apologize. This communication closes the gap between your intention and the negative impact of your previous approach. When you’re making the interpersonal shift from Persecutor to Challenger, it’s important to acknowledge the other person’s worth, his power, and his responsibility for making his own choices and decisions. Then you can invite him to consider your point of view. The challenge is to adopt a take-it-or-leave-it stance about whatever you share or suggest. The decision to take your advice is his to make. Everyone creates his or her own life experience and has a set of personal lessons to learn. The choices people make will create the outcomes they reap.”
“I call it the Challenger challenge,” Sophia said, “because it is the most difficult TED* role to master. Becoming a conscious and constructive Challenger takes a lot of time to develop.”
Sophia then took a step toward me. “David, if your former wife were standing here with us, what could you say to her to make the shift from Persecutor to Challenger?”
A flock of pelicans soared along the edge of the bluff and down the beach. As I thought about what I might say, I felt my heart loosen and, with that, a flood of tears. I choked out a few words. “I’d say I was sorry for the way I blamed and verbally attacked her. I’d tell her I know she was going through a difficult time, too. And I’d want her to know that I believe she was doing the best she could . . . in her own way.”
“Excellent,” Sophia said. “Now what would you say your intention was?”
“Strange,” I said. “My intention was to connect with her, to bridge the distance between us. But the things I did actually drove us further apart. I’d tell her that. I’d tell her how I want to learn and grow through this process even though it’s painful, and that I want to keep communicating, wherever it leads us. Then I’d ask if she was willing to talk it over.”
“Good start,” Sophia said. “What would you do if she said no to talking?”
“Well, instead of feeling rejected and reacting as a Victim, I’d like to believe that, if I was really speaking in the framework of TED*, I’d accept that as her choice. I’d just leave her with an open invitation to talk when and if she was ready.”
“And that, my dear, is the way of a Creator.” Sophia grinned. “And while it may be easier said than done, that’s the way it is said and that’s the way it is done. It is possible!”
Ted, who had been listening attentively, now chimed in. “I must say, it’s fun to see you two working together. Keep in mind, too, that a Creator is capable of consciously assuming either the role of Challenger or the role of Coach.”
Rescuer Coach
Ted drew a third line in the sand. At the top end of this line he wrote R, and at the bottom, Co. He then turned to me and said, “One of the biggest temptations of people who want to help others, to make a contribution in the world, is to fall into the Victim Orientation role of Rescuer. It’s one thing to lend a helping hand when someone has fallen, but it’s quite another to assume you have to walk on his or her behalf. A Rescuer sees the other person as a needy and powerless Victim. Rescuers breed dependence; they thrive on the need to be needed by a Victim.
“A Coach, on the other hand, remembers that other people are creative, resourceful whole beings, capable of creating their heart’s desires—again, whether they know it or not and whether they act like it or not. A Coach assumes others are responsible for their life choices and experiences.
“A Rescuer is attached to outcomes and sees it as his responsibility to fix the Victim, but a Coach is not attached to any particular outcome. Rather, the Coach serves and supports a Creator in manifesting his or her desired outcomes.
“On the intrapersonal level, if you perceive that someone is trying to be a Rescuer or to fix you or your situation, the way to make shift happen is to thank them for their concern and to own your responsibility as a Creator. You can then invite them to help you as a Coach, if it feels right.”
I asked, “So what can I do when I want to help someone without becoming a Rescuer myself? It’s so easy for me to take on that role.”
“Be curious. Ask questions,” answered Sophia. “A Coach’s major contribution is in the questions he asks. Rescuers have a tendency to tell others what they should do, giving advice or instruction. Coaches make occasional suggestions, but without concerning themselves with whether other people follow their recommendations. Great Coaches ask great questions that help Creators gain clarity about what they want. Questions also help Creators accurately assess their current reality, decide what needs to be done, and commit to the actions that support them in moving toward fulfilling their dreams.”
“When we were exploring the nature of the Victim yesterday, you might remember that every Victim has a dream that somehow has been denied or thwarted,” said Ted.
“One of the most powerful and helpful ways to shift from Rescuer to Coach is to ask the other person what it is that she wants,” Sophia added. “Help her identify the dream that has been denied or thwarted. What do you really want here? If you could have or do or be anything your heart desired right now, what would that look like? Who and how do you choose to be or to respond in this situation? These are all questions that help a person shift into her own Creator Orientation.
“Another great way to contribute is to help someone see the gifts and lessons a Persecutor has made available to them,” Sophia continued. “You can do that by asking her the same sort of questions I raised a minute ago when you were working to make your own shift from the Persecutor to the Challenger role. You might ask: What is the lesson this person or situation is bringing into your life? How and what can you learn from this? What’s the gift hidden in this situation, no matter how difficult it appears?”
The sun was beginning its slow descent toward the horizon. Our shadows encircled Ted’s sand drawing, which now looked something like an asterisk.
As I studied the crossroads in the sand, I felt Ted’s hand on my shoulder.
“There you have it, David. All your choices are right here at your feet. Here you can see all the roles of the Victim Orientation, with its Dreaded Drama Triangle, as well as the Creator Orientation and The Empowerment Dynamic. My challenge to you, my friend, is to stay awake to the choices you make every day and to the relationships you cultivate.”
Then Ted pulled something from his shirt pocket: a small pendant of some sort, strung on brown twine. As Ted held it out, I saw that it was in the shape of a tiny sand dollar.
“This is for you, David. It’s to remind you of all you now know. In this way it offers a source of protection. See the center? It’s an asterisk like the one in the sand, a symbol of the choice you always have before you: Victim or Creator.”
Ted looked at me for a long moment before reaching over my head and placing the amulet around my neck.
CHAPTER 10
A Fond Farewell
Stunned, I looked down at the pendant. In the late afternoon light, the small reminder glowed slightly against my shirt. Just then Sophia pulled a similar pendant from her sweatshirt and held it up for me to see. My heart felt suddenly larger, as if it were expanding to contain the moment. The two of them had given me
so much: their wisdom, their experience, their close attention. They had come near when everyone and everything else in my life seemed to have fallen away. Ted and Sophia had listened and offered a new perspective. Most of all, they had helped point a way forward for my life when I had felt so stuck. They had laughed with me and cared. I looked up at the sky. Such friends. Such sky! Something else inside let go just then. Like a prisoner stepping into the light of freedom, I let the tears flow.
“Emotions are a measure of how important something is to you, David,” said Ted. “I’m happy to welcome your tears of release. I trust you’ll take what you’ve learned these past two days and continue growing in that new knowledge. You seem to have found what you were searching for when you came to the beach.”
“I found more than I can say. Much more.”
My mind was whirling, imagining all the ways that I could begin applying TED* in my life. The sunshine felt warmer, the sounds of the shore were filled with meaning. Sacred moments passed. I stammered, “I can already think of so many people and places where TED* can make things better; not only in my own life, but for other people, too. I want to practice what I’ve learned here with my associates at work. I want to share it with these newlyweds I know and . . . and my sister’s family—in fact, everybody’s family. Boy, I wish I had known about this way of being while I was growing up. I’ll bet young people would really appreciate TED*’s help. There are so many areas this could apply to—the possibilities are endless.”
Ted laughed. “Hang on, David! Slow down a bit. It’s true, there’s not a single aspect of the human experience to which TED*—The Empowerment Dynamic—does not apply. Take it a step at a time and one aspect of your life at a time. Eventually, you will find that much of your life has been influenced by TED*. But those explorations must wait for another day. The sun will be going down soon, and it’s time to call it a day.”
“David,” Sophia said, “I’d love to stay in touch and be of support in whatever ways I can—as a friend, as a Coach, and maybe from time to time as a Challenger. Your personal growth will be my reward. It’s no accident that Ted brought us together. We’ve been down similar paths and I know there are things we can learn from each other.”
“That would be great, Sophia. Thanks,” I said. I saw that Ted had closed his eyes. Sophia did the same, so I followed suit.
“Let’s be silent for a moment,” said Ted. “I want to express my gratitude for our meeting, and for this work and way of being that has been entrusted to us. Let the sounds outside wash over us.”
And so I did. I gave thanks for all that had happened, for my new connections and the new sense of hope that was now coursing through me. I drank in the sounds of the waves, breathed in the smell of the ocean, and let the warmth of the day sink in.
After a few minutes someone gave my hand a squeeze and I opened my eyes. It was Ted. He had taken both my hand and Sophia’s. He looked deeply at her and then at me. I felt a little funny then, as if Ted were looking into and beyond me. It reminded me of the way my dad looked at me when I graduated from college. I had known then that he saw exactly what I was made of, that he loved me for all that I was and even for all that I wasn’t. I smiled back.
“Until next time.” Ted gave us both a hug. Such a warm soul! I felt like my heart might bubble over.
Sophia turned, grabbed my hands, and gave me an exuberant squeeze as if she were a long lost sister returning home. I closed my eyes and relaxed into the moment. What a blessing to feel this way, I thought to myself. After a long minute, I opened my eyes and turned to Ted.
And Ted wasn’t there. He was sauntering down the shore, his walking stick making little marks in the sand. They looked like little periods, punctuating the end of this two-day conversation. He turned back to us, grinned, and waved goodbye.
Sophia laughed. “He has a way of doing that! One thing I can predict: this won’t be the last time you see Ted.” She reached out and touched my pendant. I liked having it there, resting over my heart.
We stood for a few minutes looking out at the waves together and then Sophia said, “Well, time to head home.” We said our goodbyes. As Sophia was leaving, she called out over her shoulder, “I’ll e-mail you after dinner!”
Walking up the beach toward the car, I took my time. There was the bluff and the path where Ted and I had made our way down here both yesterday and today. The sun had dipped lower now, and the clouds had taken on a pink glow. Scanning the top of the bluff, I could just make out the bench where I had first come to sit and think and write in my journal. How different I felt now.
“Thank you, Ted, for introducing me to TED* (The Empowerment Dynamic),” I said aloud, smiling. “Thank you very much.”
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A Note from the Author
Writers write what they most need to learn. At least this writer does! During the writing of this book I was presented with many opportunities to cast off Victimhood, reconsidering and applying TED* (The Empowerment Dynamic) in new and exciting ways. My personal and professional life constantly urges me to observe and understand the human experience more deeply. As a teacher, facilitator, coach, and consultant, my passion has long been to help improve people’s individual and collective capacity for living and working together. As I live out this passion, I’ve come to realize that the most fundamental relationship—the one at the heart of all others—is the relationship to ourselves and our life experience.
Each day I awaken to a range of choices that will shape my reality and my life. Some days are better than others. Like the weather outside my window, some mornings bring sun and clarity; others seem dusted with a grey haze. Like Sophia, I’m still living my way into what it means to be rooted in the Creator Orientation. So I try to stay alert, ready to welcome the Challengers and Coaches that make life a rich learning experience.
This little book is part autobiography and part fiction. Which parts are which is, in the end, of no real consequence. The really important questions are these: Where do you see yourself in the story? What kinds of choices are you making? And what is the Baby Step that will make a shift happen in your life, today?
May we individually live into our own answers while seeing all those around us as the Creators they actually are. By offering our gifts to others as Coaches and constructive Challengers, we can create a world that works for all of us. For, ultimately, that is the true power of TED*.
Questions for the Journey
Check Your Compass
In the book, Ted introduces David to the Victim Orientation and then later encourages him to adopt a Creator Orientation.
•Reflect on the times when you know you are (or have been) in the Victim Orientation. What kinds of people or situations do you focus on that can trigger you to “go reactive?” What emotions (inner state) arise during those times?
•When you are in the Victim Orientation, do you tend to react in a flight, fight or freeze, manner? What do you do?
•What attracts you to the idea of adopting a Creator Orientation for your life and work?
•What practices can you put into place to consciously focus on what you want on a daily basis?
•Reflect on a time in your life when you were passionate about an outcome you created? How did “passion” feel in that experience? How did you deal with problems when they arose?
•How might you catch yourself and shift from a Victim to a Creator Orientation?
Dance of Relationship Dynamics
The Victim Orientation produces and perpetuates the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)™, while adopting and moving into a Creator Orientation fosters TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™. Learning to “make the shift” from the DDT to TED* is the key to a more resourceful, resilient and fulfilling way to relate to others, your experience, and yourself.
•How do you know when you are in the DDT? What is your experience and how does it feel?
•How do you behave when you are in the Victim role?
•How do you act when you
are in the Persecutor role?
•What do you do when you are in the Rescuer role?
•Which of the DDT roles do you most commonly take on?
•Which of the TED* roles are you most attracted to: Creator, Challenger, or Coach?
•Which of the TED* roles do you find the most challenging?
•What might you do to shift from the Victim to the Creator role?
•What might you do to shift from the Persecutor to Challenger role?
•What might you do to shift form the Rescuer to the Coach role?
•Who are some people from your life—or from history—that are inspiring examples of Creators? What is it about them that moves you and that you would like to emulate?
Ready, Set, Go
Creating outcomes requires harnessing Dynamic Tension and taking Baby Steps toward what has heart and meaning—including the solving of problems.
•What would you create if you knew you could not fail? How do you describe what you want to create as an outcome?
•Telling the truth about current reality is important. When you “shade” current reality, do you tend to see things as “rosier” or “gloomier” than they really are?
•When you are struggling to “hold the tension” between your vision and current reality, do you more often feel drawn to compromise your vision or not tell the truth about current reality?
•What appeals to you about the concept of Baby Steps?
•When have you taken a Baby Step that ended up being a breakthrough or a “quantum leap?”
Appendix
A Synopsis of The Power of TED*
(*The Empowerment Dynamic)
This section provides an overview of the frameworks and key concepts from The Power of TED*, in the same order in which they appear in the fable.
The Power of Ted Page 9