“I want to do it, Gray. I want to shift. Just face the fear, no matter how hard it is, and just get it over with, you know? No more panic. No more anxiety. No more worry. I want to shift. I need to get off the fence of being a shifter or not being a shifter. I just want—no, need—I need to do it.” She ran her hands through her hair and looked at me. “Can you help me?”
Her pain was right there on the surface, and the ache in my chest hit me full force. I reached for her. “Come here, sweetheart.”
When I pulled her into my arms, she buried her face in my chest. “I can’t do this. I can’t keep reliving the nightmare.”
“Tell me.” I kicked the door shut and sank into my chair so I could pull her down on my lap. “I know what happened to your parents. Is that the nightmare?”
Her face crumbled, her pretty eyes red from tears. “It stopped for a while. Then it came back last night. I saw it. I saw them walking in the woods ahead of me. They were so beautiful, my heart hurt.”
I held her tightly as her voice quivered.
“My mom had this stunning white coat and silver eyes. My dad was a black wolf, with eyes the color of the night. They looked magical walking through the woods together—his jet-black coat and her snow-white one.” Laila was crying, her chest heaving as she fought to get the words out. “Mom… Mom died first. There was a loud pop that shattered the stillness of the night, and then…she was on the ground, her beautiful white fur tainted by an ugly red stain that grew and grew. Dad didn’t run. He told me to run, but he didn’t. He stayed. He hovered over her body, and the look…the look on his face was heart wrenching. He wouldn’t leave his mate. He refused to live without her. I made it only a little farther into the tree line before my legs stopped working. I was so scared, I guess I just froze. But I watched. I saw as the man came closer and I tried to scream, but I couldn’t. I just watched as he…he…shot my dad.”
Tears filled my own eyes as I listened to her. She was breaking my heart. I could feel the pain radiating off her.
“I don’t want to be this way. I hate it. I don’t want to be stuck between two worlds—afraid all the time. I don’t want to be afraid. I hate this, Gray. Please help. Please.”
Her body shook with big racking sobs that pierced my soul. I held her against me, kissing her head and rocking her gently. If I could have, I would have transferred every ounce of her hurt onto my own shoulders. Watching her suffer was more painful than it would have been to bear the pain for her. All I could do was hold her as she cried, rub her back, and kiss her forehead. I’d never felt more useless in my life. Christ, I would’ve given my life at that moment if it meant lessening her pain.
My door swung open, crashing against the wall, and Parker appeared with Stella again strapped to her chest. Parker’s eyes were wide with fear. She looked at Laila curled up on my lap and her own eyes began to water.
I mentally called to Maxim. Get Parker. I’ve got my mate right now.
He appeared a heartbeat later, wrapping his arms around his mate. “Come on, Bunny. Gray’s got her.”
Laila squeezed more tightly into me. Her fingers clutched my shirt, and her tears stained it. Her whimpers were the saddest thing I’d ever heard and my chest ached.
I stood, cradling her in my arms and whispered soothingly to her. “It’s okay, my little wolf. You don’t need to do anything. I’ve got you. I’m taking you home.”
She lifted her head, defiance behind her tears, and shook her head back and forth. “No. I need to do it. I-I have to.”
Swearing, I looked up at Parker who was still lingering in the doorway. Maxim stood behind her with his hand on her shoulder ready to provide whatever support she needed. I didn’t think it was a good idea for Laila to attempt a shift in her current frame of mind. Parker had her fingertips resting on her lips and her heart on her sleeve for her best friend. She shook her head in a negative response.
I nodded back in agreement. “Later, sweetheart, okay?”
“No! I can’t live like this anymore. I won’t go to sleep again until I’ve conquered this. If you won’t help me, I…I’ll…I’ll have to…”
Parker swore. “Laila…”
“Please, Gray, help me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. There was no way I could refuse. Absolutely no way. She was begging me for help and she thought the only thing that would help was to face her fear of shifting. I didn’t think it was a good idea, but damn if I could deny her. “Sure. Of course, of course, I’ll do whatever you need.”
Parker swore louder and shook her head. “It’s really not a good idea. You know that.”
Laila stared up at me with her eyes wide and pleading. “I need to do it. I can’t take this anymore. Please.”
Hating myself for giving in when it wasn’t what she needed, but unable to refuse her heartfelt plea, I carried her past Parker and Maxim and out to my truck. When I placed her gently in the passenger seat, she whimpered and clung to more tightly.
“Don’t take me home.”
“I’m not, little wolf. We’re going to go back to the marsh, and you’re going to shift before we go home.”
17
Laila
I stood in the middle of the marsh, staring up at the dark sky, unwilling to go home until I shifted. My wolf was coming out little by little as she got over her fear. I was beyond exhausted. We’d been there for hours, and Gray kept doing everything he could to lure her out. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—give up. I was on a precipice, and I had made a choice. I had to carry it out.
Gray was tired, too, I could see it. But he wasn’t giving up either, though. Bless him. Even though I had told him he’d helped enough and I would continue trying on my own, he refused to leave.
“One more time, Laila. Close your eyes and picture your wolf, feel her. She probably looks just like your mom’s wolf. All thick white fur and silver eyes. She’s going to be stunning. See her standing here, in front of me.” His voice was strained.
I tried. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to see her and feel her—my evasive wolf. She was there, just behind a veil that I couldn’t lift. She was upset, I could feel it. I could feel her resistance. I could feel her fear, her anger, her pain, but I wasn’t willing to stop. I’d meant it when I said I couldn’t live this way anymore. She had to come out.
“Come out, you stupid wolf. I hate you!” I snarled furiously. I didn’t even know what I was doing. I was just bone tired and wanted it to end. She could end it. She had to.
“Don’t, Laila.” Gray snapped. “She’s traumatized. Be gentle with her.”
I gripped my hair and kept my eyes shut. “Come on, you fucking mongrel, come out of there!”
He sighed and shifted away from me. “Abuse won’t help her.”
“I’m just trying—” A loud pop shattered the stillness of the night, and I screamed. The nightmares flooded my vision as a tidal wave of terror rolled over me, drowning me until I felt it melt away my skin and bones.
Another scream was cut off as my mouth distended into a snout. Excruciating pain radiated through me and didn’t stop until I found myself locked inside a smaller, odd-shaped body. A bizarre sensation. Sights and sounds were amplified. The appearance of the world around me was altered. I watched somewhat helplessly as I shared driving wills with another entity—who was also a part of me.
It took me a stunned moment to realize what had happened. I’d shifted. My wolf did it. She emerged. Her fear was suffocating. She stank of it—a putrid scent. White-hot panic. Thoughts racing. Broken, panicked, ricocheting around my head as I tried to make it stop. I needed to run, get out, hide, get back into my body—my other body.
The panic was all consuming. I couldn’t get past it. Closing my eyes, I tried to picture my human body, but I couldn’t even remember what I looked like in my current state of fear.
I watched in horror as she crouched lower, snarling, growling viciously. She was a cornered animal, ready to attack and defend herself. I tried to scream again and aga
in as she turned her sights on Gray. She was too stressed and consumed with memories of trauma to even recognize him. I fought to get through, but all I could do was observe in horror as she backed away…and then lunged at him.
I felt our mouth latch onto his arm and our head shake. Teeth dug into his flesh, strong jaws working to tear, rip, maim. The taste of his blood filled our mouth and I choked on it. Sobbing, begging, pleading for her to stop. Nothing worked. I watched Gray’s face contort in pain. Why wasn’t he shifting? He needed to shift into his wolf and fight us off. Why wasn’t he defending himself? I prayed for Gray to stop us from hurting him, but he just wrapped his arms around us, holding us closer to him as we thrashed and clawed and gnashed and left him bruised and bloody. Oh god…
Even when my wolf let go of his arm and just fought against him, snarling and growling and snapping, Gray held tight, never loosening his grip and never retaliating. His blood was everywhere.
It wasn’t until he’d managed to get us across the street and up and into his house did my wolf begin to calm. It finally seemed to sink in that Gray was not a threat and that she’d attacked someone she knew. Someone she loved. She believed in her very core that Gray was our mate. Her heart still raced and her thoughts still refused to settle, but I could hear her thoughts screaming mate.
Gray settled onto the couch, his arm still bleeding profusely, but he continued to ignore it. He just held us, his deep voice gentle and soothing as he whispered to us. To her. He stroked and whispered assurances that she was safe.
I cried inside as I watched it. No, not just watched it, experienced it. I wanted out. I wanted to comfort Gray, to tend to his wounds, but I couldn’t emerge. I’d put myself in a situation not unlike the one I’d been in the last time my wolf had control. I was watching someone I loved bleed out while I stood by helplessly.
I tried to calm down enough to form a clear picture of my human self. I begged my wolf to let me out. I didn’t know how to get back. I was stuck—trapped inside my wolf. Forever?
Suddenly, Gray leaned down and looked into her eyes. “Come out, Laila.”
I cried. Even if my wolf was wrong and he wasn’t my mate, I’d fallen for Gray almost instantly. There was something about him that I knew was special. I wanted desperately to be in his arms.
My wolf whimpered and nuzzled her nose, our nose, into Gray’s armpit.
“Come on, baby, come back to me.” He sounded so strong and sure. He just wanted me back, but I didn’t know how.
I watched him, listened to him talk to me, and waited for something to happen. I ached more than I thought possible, but I was stuck.
Gray never stopped talking to me.
Eventually, his strong voice lulled me to sleep. When the blackness finally enveloped me, I sighed in relief, hoping that, if I couldn’t return to Gray, I would stay there in the darkness.
18
Laila
Morning light streamed across my face and I stretched. The thick arm wrapped around me was warm and felt so nice. I ran my hand over it and sighed. I’d needed the sleep I’d gotten. I’d been so tired. Yesterday was the longest day I’d ever had.
My mind worked backward trying to remember why I’d been so exhausted. When it all came rushing back, I gasped and shot up. I ran into Gray’s bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was back. I ran my hands over my face and blew out a rough, shaky breath. It was me. Everything was okay.
“Come back to bed, little wolf.” Gray’s sleepy voice from the other room was tempting, but I couldn’t do it.
Gripping the sink, I watched my face as the tears formed. I’d been a mess. The juxtaposition of the nightmare and the amazing weekend I’d had with Gray had been too much. I’d lost my cool and I’d pushed myself too hard, forced Gray into a position I should never have put him in.
This was all wrong. I wasn’t meant to be a wolf. When my wolf did finally emerge, she was vicious and wild and dangerous. She’d wounded Gray. She wasn’t stable, and if she wanted to stay in hiding, I’d leave her there. I could forget about it all. Just…not with Gray around. There was something about him that called to my wolf and called to me to be more than I was…for him.
It just didn’t work, though.
“Can I, um, borrow a shirt?”
I heard him sit up in bed. “Yeah, but why?”
I pulled my eyes away from my reflection. “I need to go.”
“Come over here, Laila.” His voice was clearer, a sharpness that revealed his frustration.
I moved to the doorway and kept my eyes on the floor. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Growling, Gray stood up and moved toward me, naked. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I don’t want to be a wolf. I never want to shift again. I don’t want anything to do with it.” I sucked in a ragged breath. “I don’t want to do this with you. You…you call to my wolf, and I don’t want her to come out again.”
His growl rattled the house. When I did look up at him, his eyes had taken on the yellow glow. “Bullshit. You can’t just choose to no longer be what you are, Laila.”
I blinked back more stupid tears and shrugged. “I can’t do it again. The more she comes out, the more I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t want this. I never asked for it. I lived a completely normal life never knowing shifters existed for so long, Gray. I can do it again.”
“And what? You just shove me aside, just like your wolf?”
Fighting the tears was useless. “I don’t want to. I like you more than I should. She likes you… She thinks things about you… It’s why I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
He shook his head and threw his hands up. Stalking to the other side of the room, he grabbed a T-shirt and tossed it over to me. “Okay, Laila. If that’s what you want.”
I pulled his shirt on, his scent washing over me. I wanted to stay. I wanted to crawl back into bed and let him wrap me back up in the security and warmth of his arms. But, god, how much more could I put the man through? He was a candidate for sainthood as it was. “I’m sorry, Gray.”
“Yep. Sure.” Sitting on his bed, facing away from me, his wide shoulders slumped. “I shouldn’t have let you shift. I knew it was too soon.”
I walked around and stood in front of him. “It wasn’t your fault. I begged for it. It’s just too much.”
He clamped his jaw closed and nodded. He didn’t look up at me, didn’t touch me.
I forced myself to walk away. With lead feet, I took it a step at a time. I didn’t stop until I was on the other side of his door. Leaning against it, I sucked in harsh breaths. I was doing the right thing. At least, that’s what I told myself over and over again. Eventually, maybe, I’d believe it.
I found myself getting into my car without shoes for the third time since meeting Gray. Nothing had been the same since I’d met him. It would be a lie to say that it wasn’t for the better in most ways. I loved being with him, but it wasn’t real.
Gray wasn’t looking for a mate. He didn’t want one and, even if he did, I wasn’t her. His wolf was stable, not a crazy mess like mine, and would recognize his own mate. Gray would certainly know if he and I were mates. There was no point in letting my feelings for him continue to grow, and being near him only fed them. Besides, the love I felt for him came with feelings of great inadequacy because of my wolf. I was never going to be wolf enough for him.
I drove home and did my best to remain calm as I hurried up my front stairs and into my house. Straight to the bathroom, I turned on the shower and stripped out of Gray’s shirt. Still, I could smell him. Stronger than normal, his masculine scent—leather, coriander, woodsmoke, and lime—filled my nose.
The coconut from my shampoo and conditioner in the shower was stronger. The mint from my soap was almost overpowering. There was something going bad in my fridge, the jug of milk, I thought. There were cookies baking next door.
I glanced at myself in the mirror and screamed. My eyes were bright silver and my hands were star
ting to sprout fur—and claws! My wolf was emerging. Was she searching for Gray, or was she was just curious?
I shook my hands out and stepped back under the shower, hoping the water would do—I don’t know—something! Instead, I noticed a spider web in the corner of my bathroom ceiling—every silky thread was crystal clear. I could see the hairs on the legs of the tiny housefly caught in it.
My senses were on the fritz. My wolf was refusing to go back inside. I was in trouble and I’d pushed away the only man I knew who could help me. It was too late to call him back.
Swearing, I finished washing my hair and kept waiting for my wolf to fade away again. She didn’t. We struggled—her fighting to emerge, me fighting to suppress her. She was winning. My bones cracked and reformed amidst searing pain until I was lying, four-legged, on the floor of my shower.
Life had just gotten a lot harder.
19
Gray
“Gray? You want a cinnamon roll?” Grace frowned at me, holding out the basket of fresh, doughy rolls.
I shook my head. The last thing I wanted was food right then. Still I speared a chunk of steak with my fork to appease her. I wanted Laila. I’d been caught off guard by her leaving and writing me off. She was scared and struggling to conquer some pretty frightening demons. I got that, but how was it she didn’t realize that I was her mate? Or did she just not want the mating? I didn’t know.
“Earth to Gray?” Grace leaned over and put the back of her hand on my forehead. “Are you okay? Are you sick?”
Kon chuckled. “He’s sick, alright.”
Serge and Hannah were seated across from me at Susie’s Diner. It was an impromptu celebratory lunch for getting the new office set up so quickly. Celebrating was the last thing I wanted to do. The rest of their group of friends—Dmitry and Kerrigan, Roman and Megan, Maxim and Parker, and Alexei and Heidi—all had prior engagements, so I didn’t even have the comfort of blending into a large group.
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