I’d watched closely the night before as she had slowly let her wolf take control. I’d watched the white fur start to sprout from her face, a slow transition into a snow-white wolf, but as soon as Laila felt herself losing control, she’d panicked. I wanted to help her, not hurt her, but first I had to know more.
The system I logged into was made for shifters, an organized way of keeping up with a group of people who weren’t yet out to most of the world’s population. It kept track of normal statistics, like births and deaths, but also of more detailed data, like type of animal and any infractions of the law or moral breaches that Uncle Sam considered to have been the fault of a shifter’s animal side.
When I looked up Laila Bisset, there was nothing after the age of four. She’d fallen off the radar of whatever shifter monitoring system assigned to her area that should have normally kept up with her. I clicked on the link for Laila’s parents and opened up a story that told of a world of pain. Her pain. Reading about the death of her parents explained a fuck ton about Laila and her wolf. No wonder they were scared.
Paul and Nannette Bisset had been running through the woods with their pup when a hunter spotted them. Both parents were shot dead in front of their child. Laila had been present when the hunter dragged the carcasses of her parents off to do whatever he’d done with them. It didn’t say. It did say that Laila had witnessed it all.
My heart lodged itself in my throat. I tried to swallow it down as I leaned back in my chair and closed the browser. Jesus, Laila had had a rough go of it. There was no information in the system about what happened to her after that. It didn’t say where she’d gone from there, or who raised her. She’d obviously shifted back from her cub form. She’d also very clearly lost the wolf part of herself that day. Her wolf had probably been traumatized to the extent that she’d shut down—receded so far into Laila that Laila had no clue that there was another part of her being that had been completely stifled, buried along with the horrible memories. It was a lonely way for a wolf to grow up. We wolf shifters needed a pack, even just a small pack, in order to feel secure. I’d had a lonely childhood without a pack, but I’d had my sister, Grace. Although she wasn’t a shifter, she was steady and loyal. Together, we were a little pack that provided enough security for my lupine side to feel stable.
My wolf was a part of me—a large part of me. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to have a separation between my wolf and myself, to be fractured. Being in tune with my wolf throughout my life helped me determine my sense of self. The dual nature of a shifter was important to one’s identity, and Laila hadn’t had that. Wolf shifters weren’t meant to live the way Laila was living.
I had to figure out a way to help because there was no way I was going to abandon her—not now, not ever. Even if she refused our mating and rejected me, she was still my mate, and she was still a fellow wolf shifter who was carrying around a shit ton of baggage and deep-seated issues. She needed help finding her way. She needed her wolf.
Standing up, I scrubbed my hands down my face and groaned. Even the thought of living without Laila was tearing at my gut. Shaking my head, I opened my office door and stepped out to find Parker sitting at a desk in some kind of face-off with Maxim.
I’d been so immersed in the story of Laila’s past and figuring out what steps to take next that I hadn’t heard anyone else come into the building. The two of them had clearly been bickering but stopped the moment I opened the door.
“I was wondering when you were going to come out.”
Maxim snickered. “Haven’t we all been wondering that?”
I rolled my eyes. “Hardy-har-har.”
Parker’s brow furrowed. “Have you and my bestie claimed each other as mates yet?”
Coughing, I shook my head. “I’m just trying to help her with her wolf right now. I…I found out what happened when she was a child.”
Parker’s eyes narrowed. “Did she tell you?”
Shaking my head, I shrugged. “I needed to know.”
“I don’t love that.” Sighing, she stood up, and I saw that she was wearing Stella in a baby carrier strapped to her chest. “You did need to know, though, especially if you’re planning to help her get her wolf to come out. She’s terrified.”
“Her or her wolf—which one?”
“Both. Just be careful with her. It wasn’t that long ago that she started regaining memories of what happened. They came in flashbacks and scared the holy hell out of her. It was like she was having nightmares while totally awake. For the first six months, she hardly slept, and when she did, she usually woke up terrified, in a cold sweat and screaming her lungs out. She slept at my house a lot because she was too afraid to be alone.”
My stomach knotted and I looked away. “I’ll take care of her.”
“You better.”
“Want to give me her address? I can scent her out, but it’d be faster to just to use GPS and drive over.”
“725 Albatross Landing. Heading west, it’s the last house on the left.” With a weary sigh, Parker held Stella’s carrier tightly to her chest as she plopped back down and resumed glaring at Maxim, although her glare was halfhearted at this point. “When you two do make it official, try not to go all stupid controlling alpha male and beat your chest like a Neanderthal, would you?”
Maxim growled. “It’s stupid to want to protect you and Stella? It’s Neanderthal to take responsibility for the safety of my mate and my daughter?”
I held up my hands and wasted no time in getting the hell out of there before I got dragged into their squabble. Plus, I had to make a quick stop at Mann Grocery over on Main first.
Laila’s house was a cute little beach cottage on the other side of the island from mine. Her front porch was littered with seashells, and the welcome mat had a bright-pink flamingo on it. The door knocker was a little anchor, and all around the place was the delicious, warm, comforting scent of Laila—sweet, spicy, and delicious.
It was a Saturday, and as a hairdresser, I didn’t know if she worked weekends as a hairdresser. I pressed my ear to the door, pleased when I heard movement inside. Now that I knew what she’d survived, the events responsible for her fear and anxiety, I was desperate to do whatever it took to help her. I knocked using the little anchor. The moment she opened the door, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against me, hugging her to my chest. Immediately, something inside of me calmed, soothed by her soft body held tightly to mine, and I exhaled—releasing a breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding.
Laila, on the other hand, stiffened. She groaned into my chest and held tightly onto the sides of my shirt. “I didn’t know you were coming. I don’t have any makeup on.”
I pulled back and looked down at her. Good god, how could this woman think she needed makeup? Her eyebrows and eyelashes were paler but every bit as lovely without makeup. Nothing else looked any different. Her lips were still a deep cherry red and she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. “You. Are. Stunning.”
“I’m in my PJs.”
I pulled back farther to look at the rest of her. No sexy minidress and fuck-me heels today. She was wearing a worn-looking pair of soft cotton boxer shorts, a tank top, and her feet were bare. “Like I said, stunning. Whose boxers are those, though?”
She raised her eyebrows at me.
I reached down and rubbed the thin material between my fingers. “An old boyfriend’s?”
“And if they were?”
“If you want to wear a man’s clothing, I have plenty of things you can wear. I’ll bring you a whole drawer full of boxers. Matter of fact, you can have any of my clothes. All—you can have all my clothes.” I heard the sharp tone of my voice, but I couldn’t seem to help it. The idea of her in some fuckhead’s clothes was too much for my male brain to handle.
Laila suddenly barked out a laugh and rolled her eyes. “They’ve never belonged to any man. They’ve only ever had one owner—me.”
A hint
of a smile ghosted my lips as I pushed inside and closed the door behind me. She was messing with me. “You shouldn’t tease a jealous man.”
“You’re jealous?”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think you understand what you do to me. I’m jealous of the fabric that’s touching you right now.”
Her jaw dropped and her mouth formed a perfect little O of surprise. “You came to my house…?” A pink tinge slowly crept over her cheeks.
Fuck, she was too perfect. “Yeah. I came to apologize. I think I pushed too much, too fast, and I’m sorry. I also think I have another way of approaching this whole situation. One that will be a little better than standing in a marsh.”
15
Laila
By Sunday night, I was more in tune with my wolf than I’d ever been, thanks to Gray. That wasn’t saying much, but it was a start. Gray and I had spent the weekend in bed. Something had ignited between us, but I had no clue what it was. It was the hottest thing I’d ever experienced, though, I knew that much.
Gray had changed tactics. Instead of trying to make me hear or smell animals in the wild, he’d brought over fruits and syrups. We’d made a mess of my bedsheets, but I’d spent a lot of the weekend blindfolded, learning my senses in a safe environment, often sitting up in bed between Gray’s legs with my back resting against his chest and his arms around me. The only tension involved had been of a sexual nature. Gray was right. This approach worked much better.
It was slow going, but I began to be able to tap into more of my wolf nature. With a blindfold, I listened and was able to hear when Gray came closer or moved away. I could scent out different varieties of fruit and determine where in the room they were simply through scent. It was fun. The best part was that the moment I began to feel stressed, Gray kissed me until all my tension was gone and I forgot why I’d been stressed in the first place. It worked for me.
The more my wolf came through, the more I heard her thoughts about Gray. She wanted him. She even went so far as to whisper that word—mate. When I heard that, I reflexively tried to reconstruct the wall separating us—the barrier that had gone up as a protective mechanism so many years ago. Now she was going to embarrass us in front of a man who was proving to be a very good, very generous, very kind-hearted friend. She was a stupid animal and thought the first man to pay her any attention was her mate. The last thing I wanted was for Gray to see that thought reflected in my eyes and run. Apparently, my wolf didn’t understand what friends with benefits meant.
Sunday night, I sent Gray home because it wasn’t just my wolf side that was becoming confused. I convinced him I needed to get rest for the start of the workweek, and I wasn’t able to do it with him around. I pretended it was all about responsible adulting, but I was becoming just as frightened as my wolf. Only, my fear was of my growing attachment to Gray.
Sending him away may have been a mistake, though. I’d barely been asleep for an hour when the nightmare woke me. In a cold sweat, tears streaming from my eyes, I sat straight up in bed and slammed angry fists into the mattress. The awful nightmare had been going away. I hadn’t had it in weeks. It was my wolf’s emergence that was doing it. She brought it back, and that made me hate her. She was the one who made me relive my parents’ slaughter over and over again. Every time I closed my eyes, I not only saw it again, but the pain, shock, and horror also returned.
I gave up on sleep for the rest of the night. Too afraid to go back to close my eyes and see the horrible violence again, I stared at the ceiling for hours, wishing that I could just be normal. I tried to imagine who I would’ve been if my parents hadn’t died. I couldn’t. I tried to imagine my life like it was before I knew about the shifter deep inside. I couldn’t do that anymore either. Not since Gray. I was stuck in some weird, muddled, middle ground that was worse than where I’d been before I started working with Gray. I wasn’t a shifter, not really. And I wasn’t a human either. I was something else entirely—some kind of freak.
The next morning, I practically crawled into work. I looked rough, I was sure. My hair was piled loosely on top of my head, I hadn’t bothered with makeup, and I’d dressed in simple jeans and a T-shirt. I felt like hell, had a throbbing headache, and the circles under my eyes were so dark I probably looked like a clown.
As soon as Jammie saw me, she knew. “You’re having nightmares again?”
She didn’t know the extent of what had happened to bring about my parents’ death, but she knew I’d been having nightmares about it. I’d had to tell her when they first started because I missed days of work. She’d listened to me cry and told me to take time off until I could handle it. She’d taken care of me.
I wanted to cry with the way she looked at me, all concerned and motherly. Instead, I just nodded.
“Frannie has an opening this morning. Buy yourself a massage. Kitty and I will handle your morning load.”
“We sure will, honey.” Kitty took my hand in hers and patted it lovingly.
When Jammie saw I was about to protest, she shook her head. “It’s not a request, girlie. You have to take care of yourself when this stuff comes up. Until it’s better, you’re going to have to let us help you do just that.”
I hurried into Frannie’s room before Jammie and Kitty could see the tears that were clouding my eyes. On days like the one I was having, it was the kindness offered by the people I loved that threatened to break me down. Frannie was no help there. As soon as she saw me, she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight.
“Oh, honey. I heard Jammie tell you to buy a massage, but this one is on me.”
That did it. I broke out in tears while lying on her table. She rubbed my back comfortingly before gently working my muscles. She made no mention of the fact that I was crying the entire time. She ignored the gentle noises and sniffles that seeped out every so often. When I stopped crying, she handed me a tissue and then held out her trashcan after I used it to blow my nose.
“It’ll be okay, Laila. Whatever it is.” She stroked my hair and sighed. “Life can be a real bitch, but we’re women. We’re tough.”
I sat up. “Thanks for letting me cry all over you.” I blew out a rough breath. “I hate being this weak. I didn’t use to be this way. I never used to cry. Now, I’m just pathetic.”
“Hey, there’s nothing pathetic about a good cry. It’s a necessary coping mechanism. Be nice to yourself. We all have hard times to go through. Crying does not mean you’re weak.”
“I’m terrified. I don’t want to be terrified. I want to be bold and brave. I want to be able to face the things that scare me.” I huffed out a frustrated breath. “Which is exactly what I need to do. I just need to face it and get over it.”
Frannie didn’t know me well enough to know what I was talking about. Not many people knew the truth about my parents. Fewer knew that I couldn’t shift, and that I hadn’t since the day my parents were killed. She looked confused but just shrugged. “If it’s not going to hurt you, face it. You can’t move on until you get past whatever it is that’s scaring you.”
I nodded. “You’re right.”
“Um… I didn’t just recommend that you do something crazy, did I?”
I gave her a tight hug and shook my head. “Not at all. Thanks, Frannie. I’ll explain one day.”
Jammie watched me walk out from the massage room and raised her eyebrow at me. “Leaving?”
“I have something I need to do.”
She smiled. “Take your time, honey. Sort it out.”
I had no intention of taking my time. I wanted to get over feeling terrified, so I was just going to do it. I’d just shift and then everything would be fine. Simple as that. Except I needed help. I didn’t really know how to shift.
I needed Gray.
Heading toward the office formerly known as P.O.L.A.R., I steeled myself against the whimpering wolf in my head. We were going to get over the fear and move on. End of story.
16
Gray
I hung up the phone a
nd stared at it, frowning. I’d just received a job offer from an organization I’d worked for several years earlier. It was a one-off, which would have me stationed in another country for several months, if not longer. They needed a long-term plant. It was a job I could do in my sleep that offered a shit ton of money. It was an offer I would’ve taken without hesitation before getting burned by my last employer. Even after getting burned. I would’ve had to face Grace’s wrath for it, probably, but I would’ve taken it.
But now, I had Laila to think about. She needed me and nothing compared to how much I wanted to be here for her. I’d spent the weekend in her bed, in her life, and being together had felt so right. I’d like nothing more than to spend every day with her in her little sea-themed cottage, loving every second of it—just Laila and me in paradise.
Since I’d returned from hiding away on the Cuban fishing vessel, I’d been pacing out of my skin, needing something else to do—some excitement. I didn’t love being cooped up in an office like I was today. I sucked at staying in one place. My spirit had always needed to roam, to travel and explore. Sunkissed Key wasn’t big enough for my restless spirit.
Even as I thought that, a part of me realized it wasn’t completely true. Not anymore. Things had already started to change. And the change began and ended with Laila.
I had to do a double-take when I looked up and the little wolf herself was standing in my office doorway as though I’d summoned her. A smile spread across my face, and I stood reflexively to drag her into my arms, but she was wound up so tightly, I stopped myself and instead watched as she paced in front of me.
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