Aliens Abroad

by Gini Koch

  “Our spaceship needs it to help keep us fueled up and all that jazz. I’m honestly not sure how it works, just that it does and that someone stole all of our chlorophyll stores so we’re kind of up the creek without a paddle, if that metaphor means anything to you.”

  SuperBun nodded. The metaphor didn’t, but he got the general gist. They had plenty of chlorophyll, but it took time to refine, so to speak.

  “We have a super-harvester thingy. So that should speed things up. If you’re amenable to our doing so.”

  SuperBun might be willing. But he was interested in the fact that I’d said that his planet needed help. Because, as far as he knew, they were A-okay.

  This was a tough one. I could say that I knew the system had two superconsciousnesses fighting for control, or that this planet had a mad scientist. However, the reality was that SuperBun could be either Grumpy, Dopey, or the mad scientist.

  Chose to stall. “I’d like to get our missing team member back first. Once I know he’s okay that would sort of prove to me that you’re not enemies to us and also that you’re probably not harboring whoever or whatever the trouble is.”

  SuperBun didn’t find this to make sense. He was clear that returning our robot to us would show that we and they weren’t enemies, but he didn’t understand how returning said robot to us would indicate anything about them being part of whatever we thought was or wasn’t alright.

  “He’s an android, at least as we call them on our planet. And, frankly, we want him back before we have any further discussions. I have no idea how your people took him in the first place, but I want to be sure he’s fine, unharmed, unaltered, and back with me. Or I tell the Poofs to all go large and in charge and they show you that they’ve got the market on cute and cuddly as well as big and terrifying. Up to you.”

  SuperBun noted that I tended to threaten a lot.

  “Yep. That’s me, Miz Diplomacy. I can ask one of my team who’s a lot better with the diplomatic charm to talk to you. He, however, is going to ask the same thing that I am, which is to return our android to us. Isn’t that right, Mister White?”

  White joined me. “It is, Missus Martini. Though I have no clear idea of what our friend’s side of the conversation has been, since we’re all dependent upon Jeffrey’s translations, since no one but you can mind-meld with animals.”

  SuperBun cocked his head. He was surprised. All our animals were telepathic, and he could tell that many with us had telepathic powers. So why was I the only one who could talk to him and the other animals?

  “It’s my gift, my talent. Presumably, at any rate. Beyond that, no clue.” Before SuperBun could comment there was a loud hissing sound. “Oh my God, are there snakes here?” Clutched the cottontail to me and got ready to jump onto White’s shoulders, tell Ginger to attack, and signal the Poofs to go into whatever size might work to back her up.

  SuperBun reassured. No snakes. They’d killed all the snakes long ago. In fact, his rabbit army had killed all other predators when he was a young bunny. He eyed Ginger, Bruno, and Harlie in an obvious manner. They didn’t seem fazed.

  Did what I did whenever I didn’t want Jeff to pick up that I thought some other man was hot—thought about flowers. Hoped this meant that I’d managed to keep the thought that SuperBun’s odds of being the mad scientist we were supposed to stop were definitely getting higher out of the forefront of my mind. Had no idea how my animal telepathy worked, but really didn’t want this thought getting out there.

  “Um, then what is that sound?”

  SuperBun didn’t need to answer. We found out fast what the sound was.

  “Sprinklers?” Christopher asked, as water—or what I sincerely hoped was water—sprayed over us. “Seriously?”

  SuperBun shot a look at Christopher that was far more snide than I’d thought a rabbit could manage. He wondered just how Christopher thought a planet stayed this lush without regular watering.

  “He can be tough to get to like at first, but he’s really a great guy when you get to know him.”

  SuperBun had no desire to “get to know” Christopher, but he allowed that perhaps Christopher would grow on them. In a long while. Heard a variety of quiet snickers from the team as Jeff translated this, and some quiet muttering from Christopher.

  The cottontail shared that it liked me better than Christopher, too. “Aw, that’s nice, Peter Rabbit.”

  The cottontail contemplated the name. He decided that he liked it. And me.

  The “sprinklers” came into view, interrupting my communing with Peter. Had to admit—while I hadn’t been expecting this, it made a hell of a lot of sense.

  What looked like an entire herd of extremely pygmy elephants were walking through the grass, spraying water out of their trunks, said trunks waving side-to-side in a very soothing, very rhythmic manner. These elephants were as synchronized as the Rockettes or any other top dance group you’d want to name.

  “I didn’t see this from the ship,” Tito said softly. “And they’re above the grass so I should have.”

  “Where is the water coming from?” White asked in kind.

  “Real elephants have to refill,” Mahin added.

  Squinted at the elephants. “Are those actually living creatures or are they robots?”

  SuperBun shared that they were improved living creatures. He also went on to reassure that our android had been taken to avoid him getting soaked by the watering. We were all clearly organic, so the water shouldn’t hurt us, and our ship was enclosed. They didn’t care if it hurt our weapons.

  The elephants drenched us and moved on. They might have only come up to my knees, but they definitely had range. None of my animals liked this, Ginger in particular, but they merely moved nearer to the rabbits while they shook themselves off. Peter jumped out of my arms, shook himself off with the others, then came back and jumped back into my arms.

  “Now,” I asked as the rest of us followed suit and shook water off as best we could, “how did you know that John is an android but the rest of us are not?”

  SuperBun rolled his eyes, sat up on his haunches, and pounded his right hind leg on the ground, just like Thumper. Actively chose not to make this comparison, in part because I had a feeling it would take far too long to explain Disney movies and why they were awesome and I also was pretty sure that SuperBun wouldn’t be flattered by the comparison.

  Was also pretty sure that SuperBun was the mad scientist or working closely with him or her, but focused on the elephants to avoid this thought surfacing.

  What SuperBun had been thumping for appeared—a section of the ground rolled open. Literally, the grass rolled over itself, like really healthy sod, and, as it did so, a metal platform raised up. At least, it looked like metal. There was no one on it, regardless of what it was made of. SuperBun looked at me expectantly.

  “Um, what are you suggesting?”

  He heaved a dramatic sigh, then hopped onto the platform and looked at me again. The expectation seemed pretty clear.

  “Um . . . do you happen to know anyone named Grumpy or Dopey? Asking for a friend.”

  SuperBun did not. He wanted to know what we felt was going on with his planet. And he wanted to know why I was wasting time and stalling.

  Decided we were at a stalemate. “I don’t think all of us will fit onto the platform.” It was only about the size of an elevator, only without the niceties that elevators had, like doors and walls and phones for emergency calls. Didn’t feel like all of us bunching up and doing a massive group hug, just to go wherever the potentially very rascally rabbit wanted us to go. “Can I choose who comes with me and who stays with our ship?”

  SuperBun felt this was acceptable. He requested that the person taking pictures come with us, which I found surprising. Chose not to argue.

  “MJO, you’re up. Jeff, Richard, and Christopher, you guys come with me, too. Everyone els
e, stay here topside on the Planet of Doctor Moreau of Westworld.” Harlie went small and jumped into my purse. Chose not to complain about this at all. Ginger and Bruno went onto the platform next to SuperBun. Chose not to argue about this, either.

  Peter looked up at me, then jumped into my purse, snuggling in next to Harlie, who did not object. Patted both of them. Peter made my purse heavier, but not all that much. Was pretty sure that Algar had not only made my purse a portal but had also made it lighter in some way, so that I could carry a ton and not feel it. He was a good King of the Elves in that way.

  All the A-Cs looked confused. The humans, however, seemed to get it. “I think I should come along, too,” Chuckie said.

  “Works for me, Batman. I think we can just fit you onto the platform with Kolchak, Superman, the Flash, and Professor X.”

  “And Wonder Woman,” Chuckie said with a grin, as he sauntered over to join the other guys.

  Serene hugged me. Felt her slip something into my purse. “Stay safe.”

  “We’ll do our best.” Wondered if it was a tracker, a bug, or a bomb that she’d planted on me. Really hoped it was all three and that she’d given me more than one of each. Also hoped that Peter wouldn’t try to eat it, whatever it was.

  Peter shared that he wasn’t an idiot and that he was along to help, not harm. Chose to believe him, in no small part because he was also pretty darned adorable and his fur was hella soft. I wasn’t pro taking sentient creatures from their home worlds, but, hey, if Peter wanted to go, that would be a different thing. We didn’t have bunnies in the menagerie yet.

  Reader and Tim looked like they wanted to add in as well. Made eye contact with both of them. “Be sure that the shuttle wasn’t affected by getting watered. And make sure that the New Wonder Twins are ready to go, too.”

  Reader nodded. “Got it, girlfriend.”

  Tim managed a grin. “I guess I get to copilot after all.”

  “Hang tough and remember—always go with the crazy.” With that I went and got onto the platform with the others.

  CHAPTER 32

  ONCE I WAS ON THE PLATFORM, SuperBun thumped his rear foot again and we lowered. It was a smooth ride, which was good, because space was tight on the platform and, as we went down, the sod that had rolled back to allow the platform to rise up rolled over us.

  So we were in the dark for about the first fifty feet, surrounded by packed dirt. Chose not to ask why they didn’t have metal walls or lighting—wasn’t my planet, after all. Instead, focused on not feeling claustrophobic, because this was a lot like being buried alive while standing up.

  Jeff took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, while Bruno and Ginger snuggled against my legs. Reached down and gave each of them a pet. Peter shared that this was scary but would be over soon. Reached into my purse and petted him and Harlie. Well, petted all the fur I felt in there. Hoped we had more Poofs on Board than just Harlie, but couldn’t tell in the dark.

  But then, to my relief and despite my expectations, instead of us continuing through earth, we lowered into a gigantic cavern. Could see a whole lot of platforms going up and down on thick, round pipes or tubes or whatever they called them here. Everyone peered over the sides of the platform, then took a step closer to the middle as we all became aware that we didn’t want to fall off—it was a long way down.

  Bruno and Ginger also looked. He squawked angrily, she hissed, and they both shoved into the middle between everyone’s legs. Peter shared that he never looked over the side and apologized for not warning me, Ginger, and Bruno about it. Peter said that he hated being down here, and I couldn’t blame him—this wasn’t a place that seemed welcoming to animals.

  The resemblance to movie versions of bad guy hidden factory bunkers was amazing. There were vats and bins and areas where what certainly looked like bombs or rocket ships and other things I couldn’t identify were being created. There were catwalks, ramps, moving vehicles manned by what really looked like squirrels, flashes of fire and sparks that indicated welding or other metalwork, spotlights on various areas, all manner of rigging, and more. And it stretched as far as I could see. This was a place made for humans or humanoids, and yet we were the only ones I could see.

  It should have been warmer here, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t freezing, but I once again wished I was in jeans, a t-shirt, and a hoodie, versus my FLOTUS-wear, and I really wished I had my Converse on instead of sensible but attractive pumps. Then again, if wishing was going to work, what I really wanted was for all this galaxy-ending crap to be over with and for all of us to be safely home. Waited. Nada, we were still on this open-air elevator. Nice of the cosmos to do its usual and ignore me.

  It smelled like earth, oil, animal musk, and gunpowder. There were other scents I couldn’t identify, but those were plenty. The sounds were mostly normal, none of them very loud, but there was some chittering mixed in with the other sounds, which I really and truly hoped was squirrels talking. We were very high up still, so figured I’d discover new smells and terrifying noises in a little while.

  “This is a hollow world?” White asked SuperBun politely.

  SuperBun said that parts of it were hollow, yes. There was a core that allowed the planet to safely remain in its normal orbit around the sun, however.

  “Uranium?” Chuckie asked casually, after Jeff had done his translations, as if he was just guessing for fun.

  SuperBun shared that he didn’t know for certain, because it wasn’t what mattered.

  “What does matter?” I asked.

  A safe, clean world where creatures lived in harmony was SuperBun’s reply.

  “But I thought you killed the predators,” I pointed out carefully.

  SuperBun shared that it was because the predators were not able to live with the others in harmony. Harmony seemed to be the mental word of the hour for SuperBun.

  The ride was long, and I was tired of running blind. Besides, harmony was something I was always after, in that sense. “I’m kind of freaked out by heights and elevators without walls,” I said to SuperBun. “I’m going to put my headphones in and listen to music, to keep myself calm. I can still hear everyone talking and I’ll be able to hear you in my mind with no problem. I just want to explain why I’m being kind of rude.”

  SuperBun felt that this was acceptable.

  Ignored the looks I was getting from Jeff and Christopher while I let go of Jeff’s hand and pulled out my phone and headphones. White, Oliver, and Chuckie didn’t appear to be bothered by this, and Ginger and Bruno were all for it, which meant the majority was on my side.

  Didn’t have a lot of time to look for whatever Serene had planted on me, because Peter took up a lot of room in there, but I definitely had Poofs on Board in addition to Harlie, so that was a great thing. Petted all the Poofs I could spot and Peter as well while I was digging, sent a mental request for them to move up anything I might need to the top, and called it good.

  Got my headphones into my ears and looked at my playlists. Breathed a quiet sigh of relief—Algar had delivered again. The Hollow Earth playlist was queued up.

  Hit play and was greeted by the melodious sounds of “Deeper Underground” by Jamiroquai. Wasn’t sure if this was just working as soundtrack or if Algar wanted us to go down farther once we’d reached whatever was counting as the ground in this section. However, as expected, it calmed me down considerably.

  “What are you building?” Christopher asked SuperBun.

  SuperBun said that what we were seeing were planetary protections and enhancements.

  “How do you keep the top of the planet all grassy and watered,” I asked, “when we haven’t seen any actual water here? I mean, other than what the little elephants sprayed onto us.”

  There was water, SuperBun shared. But it was protected. And we’d learn all about it shortly.

  Oliver was taking pictures. He hadn’t asked for permission,
but SuperBun didn’t seem to mind. Wondered if SuperBun wanted his world shared with the greater cosmos, but couldn’t come up with a good reason for why he would.

  As we lowered, the massiveness of what we were inside came more sharply into focus. Everything was even more gigantic up close than it had seemed from far away. My music changed to “Reflection” by Tool. Wasn’t sure what this meant, however, but it was a long song. Wondered if it would still be playing or not when we stopped.

  Noted that the other platforms seemed to mostly hold sets of pygmy elephants or rabbits. Didn’t take genius to guess that we’d hit watering time. Didn’t see where the water source was, though. Had no guess for why more rabbits were being sent to the top, but they were. Hoped it wasn’t to attack my team, but also had no guess about that, either. Though, experience told me to expect that we were all going to be attacked, a lot, and soon. My life was just that kind of fun.

  Tried to mind-meld with the elephants and the squirrels. Nothing, not even white noise. And none of them reacted to my attempts, either, so it wasn’t as if I’d made contact and they were just ignoring me. I simply couldn’t get through.

  Not all the platforms had elephants and bunnies, though. Some were carrying what I was pretty sure was sod, presumably to go up to repair a patchy spot in the grass. Maybe that’s what the rabbits were going to do, instead of attack my team. Hey, a girl could dream, right?

  Dad would have loved something like this—automatic sod deliveries—back when I was a little girl and he’d tried to grow a good lawn in the desert heat of Pueblo Caliente. The water cost had been so high, Mom had put her foot down, so we’d lived with pretty desert landscaping most everywhere and a crummy lawn in the backyard that the dogs and cats enjoyed in their own, special ways. As Mom had put it, we lived near a great park that Pueblo Caliente paid the water bill for, and parks were for running around and having fun in, so she saw no reason to keep on trying to create something lush when all it was really used for was cat and dog excrement. Mom, as always, had a point.