Aliens Abroad

by Gini Koch

  “Well, it’s fine for her to call you that. But it’s not your real name,” Dopey said, giving me side-eye. “She thinks she’s the one who names everyone, but she’s wrong.”

  Took all my self-control not to mention that I was Shealla, the Giver of Names—at least on Beta Eight and as far as Ixtha was concerned, too—and that I’d named Dopey and all the other superconsciousnesses who’d gotten uppity on my planet. That response was likely to get us all into more trouble than we were already in. “I just think SuperBun is amazing. His telepathy is the strongest I’ve ever felt.”

  “Is it?” Dopey asked. “And yet you broke free from it.”

  “We did. What’s with the elephants? I’ve never seen them that small, ever, and they seemed to be all water on the inside. Did you do that?” Ensured I sounded interested.

  Dopey nodded. “It’s a more natural, efficient way to keep the world irrigated.”

  “Can’t argue with your results. You had to have tinkered with the elephants, though.”

  “I did. They were too large to be of use.”

  “How so? Honestly, I’d think the bigger they were, the better for watering.”

  “They were too heavy and ruined the grass wherever they stepped.”

  “Oh. Good point. Same with the horses, then?” Not that I’d noticed that horses’ hooves were grass unfriendly, but it was clear I wasn’t dealing with a sane mind.

  “Yes.”

  “And yet you left the rabbits and squirrels at their regular sizes?”

  “They’re perfectly efficient at their natural sizes.”

  Interesting choice of words. “I’m kind of amazed that this world had elephants and horses and bunnies and squirrels. And, apparently, other predators no longer among the living.”

  “Predators create issues.”

  We were predators. Couldn’t argue that we could create issues. However, had a strong feeling that Dopey was the biggest predator right now. “Why do you look like Santa Claus?”

  He seemed surprised by the question. “He’s the most benevolent figure of your world.”

  Let that sink in for a moment and didn’t allow myself to think of other benevolent Earth figures because that wasn’t what mattered right now. “So what? I mean that in a non-disrespectful way. I don’t get why you’d imitate anything from Earth.”

  “Well, only the things I liked.”

  Time to let something else sink in, including the really bad feeling I was getting about all of this. “Um . . . did the bunnies and squirrels and horses and elephants come from Earth, too?”

  “Of course.” Said so matter-of-factly. “Where else would I find them?”

  Felt the rage begin to build, but ensured it didn’t show in my voice or expression. “Oh, I don’t know, I just thought this planet would have had its own life on it.”

  “It did.” He shrugged. “They weren’t anything to speak of.”

  “What did Grumpy think of them?”

  He smirked. “She liked them. Thought they had potential.”

  Interestinger and interestinger. “Save the World” by Bon Jovi came on. Nice to know we had to rescue everyone, not just ourselves and SuperBun. I loved a challenge. Apparently and at least as far as the cosmos seemed concerned.

  “So, you reengineered elephants and horses?”

  “Yes. The elephants are now mostly water containment—all their necessary organs are in their hides. So they can fill up and water the world as needed.”

  “And the horses? What do they do?”

  “They’re for hauling heavy loads and for the rabbits and squirrels to ride, the squirrels in particular.”

  Managed to refrain from making a Planet of the Apes joke, but it took effort. “Ah. Gotcha. Yeah, I’d imagine that it’s easier for the squirrels to ride than the bunnies, though I’m sure the bunnies can do it if they try.” Not that I could think of a reason why they’d want to. “So, um, do they ride into battle or something?”

  “No, they’re for when we need to expand our holdings.”

  “What do you mean? Don’t you have the whole world?”

  “Yes,” Dopey said patiently. “But the space you saw on your way here is expanded as we’re able. The horses help with all of that.”

  “No moles and such for digging? No mini-oxen for the hauling?”

  “No, but those are good ideas!”

  “What are you doing on this planet?” Jeff asked, Commander Voice on Full, before I could say that I hadn’t been suggesting that Dopey steal more Earth animals to do whatever twisted things he could come up with to them. “As near as I can tell, you’re controlling the sentient life. Life you stole from Earth.”

  “What you left alive, that is,” Christopher added.

  “Not that there’s anything wrong with that,” I added quickly. Really hoped White and Chuckie were kicking Jeff and Christopher where Dopey couldn’t see. “Rabbits and squirrels reproduce quickly.”

  “They do, especially when there are no predators to harm them. I’m caring for them,” Dopey said to Jeff and Christopher. “Their lives are far better because of me.”

  “What about rain or oceans?” I asked before Jeff or Christopher could open their mouths again. That was the problem with guys who’d been protectors all their lives—they were ready to protect. But we still needed info. “Where do you get the water from for the elephants to use?”

  “Oh,” Dopey waved toward the big door behind him. “There’s a giant underground water source. We use that.”

  Managed not to ask how close to the door the water was, because I figured it was just on the other side. My music changing to “Black Water” by The Doobie Brothers was also something of a clue. “Salt water?”

  “No, fresh. No salt on this world.”

  Thought about the moon or small planet Tim had mentioned. “What about the moon? Does that have salt on it?”

  “What moon?” Dopey asked sharply.

  “The one that’s in your orbit. It looks kind of dead.”

  “Oh, that. Yes, it had salt on it, I believe.”

  Filed this away for use later. Had no idea what I could do with this information, just knew that I’d need it later because that was how my life rolled. “Where’s Grumpy now?”

  “With those creatures on another planet in the system. She replanted them.”

  Replanted. “Were they botanical in nature?”

  “Yes, actually. Tree-people, though not like the ones from your myths. And other plants that were all barely sentient.”

  “What about the predators that were here? Did you bring them from Earth, too?”

  “No. They were just those who lived with the tree-people. In harmony, per Grumpy.” Dopey shrugged. “They weren’t efficient, any of them.”

  “Why not?” Chuckie asked carefully. “We’ve always understood that trees are very efficient. Where is our thinking wrong?” He sounded like we were in class and he was asking a top-level professor a question. Hoped that Jeff and Christopher would take a clue if they wanted to speak up again.

  Dopey appreciated the buttering up. “They need too much in order to survive.”

  “Soil, water, sunlight,” I ticked off. “Why would that be inefficient?”

  “Because this world isn’t going to have a sun too much longer.”

  CHAPTER 35

  WE ALL LET THAT one sit on the air for a bit. “Um, why not?”

  “Because this sun is dying.” Dopey said this as if it were obvious. However, based on what our science knew, there was no way a sun as yellow as the one for this system was could be close to dying. At least, not a natural death. And, per Sandy, the star wasn’t the issue—the war Dopey and Grumpy were having was.

  “Is it?” White asked politely. “How can you tell? We’re not as advanced as you, so we don’t have the means to determ
ine this.”

  Dopey smiled at him. Yep, he liked being buttered up. “Well, it’s really all Grumpy’s fault. She’s tinkering with the sun, and that’s going to cause its destruction.”

  My music changed to “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden and I got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Um what’s Grumpy doing with the sun?”

  “She’s trying to make it stronger.”

  “Why is that, Lord Dupay?” Jeff asked, only this time, he sounded totally fascinated and not like he was ready to try to bust Dopey’s head. Either he’d caught on or Chuckie had kicked him really hard. Possibly both. “Wouldn’t it already be strong enough as is, in order to have created life out here?”

  “This system didn’t have life. Not until she and I decided to create it.”

  “I thought you weren’t gods,” Christopher said quietly.

  Dopey’s head snapped toward him. “Why would you say that?”

  “Because you told us you weren’t, when we first met,” Christopher replied. “And only gods can create life.”

  “That’s ridiculous. Life creates itself all the time.”

  White cleared his throat. “There is a difference between creation and procreation, though. I believe that’s what’s confused Christopher.”

  Christopher nodded. “I don’t understand.” Said in the same tone as the others had used—the tone of asking a much smarter person for help. So he was also playing along. Good and go team.

  Speaking of the team, while Dopey started blathering about the role of the more highly evolved and how they needed to help those lesser beings—which sounded a lot like the motto Algar had told me the Black Hole Universe people tended to live by, and also a lot like I heard from all of the League of Mad Scientists and Evil Geniuses on a regular basis, but the exact opposite of what Sandy had told me the Superconsciousness Consortium believed and lived by—noted that we were missing Oliver. And Bruno. And Ginger.

  Had no idea when the three of them had disappeared or where they’d gone. The last I’d seen them they’d all been in here. Hoped they were investigating as opposed to being captured like Butler had been. Presumably had been, at any rate. Realized I hadn’t asked Dopey about Butler’s health and whereabouts; I’d been thrown by the whole Santa thing.

  Why Dopey would want him was clear—he was making animal androids, essentially. Why not grab a really stellar human version and make copies of him? If the bad guys we normally dealt with could come up with a plan like that, why not a superconsciousness who appeared bent on some weird form of global domination? Though how you dominated anything with the weird setup Dopey had was beyond me. Other than this planet and the animals he had working for him potentially as slave labor, couldn’t figure out what he hoped to gain.

  “What’s the point?” Whoops. Had not meant to say that out loud.

  “The point of what?” Dopey asked.

  Oh well, in for a penny, might as well go for it. “All of this. I don’t understand the point of all of this. Any of it, really. I mean, other than SuperBun. He’s cool.”

  “He is.” Dopey smiled at me. “Wouldn’t you like to have him for your very own? Yours, only. No sharing. He’d be all for you.”

  Felt the pull again, the complete desire to have SuperBun as my very own. It was stronger than it had been the first time, and I realized that there was nothing in the universe that mattered more than getting to be with SuperBun for the rest of my life.

  Took a step toward SuperBun as “Insanity Lurks Nearby” by Front Line Assembly came on my personal airwaves, louder than the other music had been, and it jarred me out of the telepathic hold. Checked on the others out of the sides of my eyes—they seemed okay, but I didn’t want to wait around and find out they weren’t.

  “Nice try,” I said as I stopped moving forward. “But we already established that your mind control doesn’t work on me.”

  Dopey’s eyes narrowed. “It’s not really mind control if it’s what you want.”

  “Is that how you convinced the animals to come with you? Telling them that’s what they wanted? Or did you just grab them and take them a million miles away from their home and then tell them they wanted to help out?”

  “Your minds are too small, too young, to understand,” Dopey said dismissively.

  “Well, I guess that’s true. From your perspective anyway.”

  “Perspective,” Chuckie said. “That’s it! The perspective is all wrong here.”

  Was about to ask what he meant, when an alarm went off. It was loud and screeching, and, interestingly enough, Dopey looked as surprised by this as the rest of us.

  “What have you done?” Dopey demanded of us.

  “Um, nothing? We’ve all been here with you.” I lied like a pro to bad guys by now, so I wasn’t concerned that Dopey wouldn’t believe me. And I figured that we needed to stall as long as possible, in case our side had caused those alarms to go off.

  He looked around wildly. “Where are the rest of your group?”

  “Huh?” Jeff asked, sounding confused. This was, for my husband, stellar lying, and I was proud.

  “No idea what you’re talking about,” Chuckie added, sounding confused. Humans—still lying better than 99.9% of the A-C population, galaxywide.

  SuperBun blinked innocently. He had no idea what Lord Dupay meant. All those who’d come down appeared to be here.

  So, SuperBun was on our side. Meaning that Dopey was the one forcing him to try to mind-control us. Which settled it for me. If I was indeed in a whacked-out version of Wonderland, then I was taking the White Rabbit and All His Friends with me when I got the hell out of Dodge.

  My music changed to “Up from Under” by The Wallflowers. Worked for me. Had no idea how we’d achieve this plan, but I was all for it.

  Squirrels came rushing in through the big doorway we’d entered through, chittering like mad. It was kind of freaky but mostly comforting in that at least I could put a face to the sound, so to speak.

  “What?” Dopey shouted. “How?”

  “How what and what what?” I asked.

  “We’re under attack! Grumpy’s making her move.” He turned to the squirrels. “It’s time for the final solution!”

  “Stop!” Jeff bellowed. No one could bellow like my man—he was louder than the alarms and had far better reverberation going—so everyone indeed stopped. The alarms stopped, too, which was hella intriguing. “Nothing good ever comes from the term ‘final solution’ and I’m sure nothing good is going to come from yours. You’re a superconsciousness. Act like it. Simply save your people and your planet without destroying anyone or anything else.”

  At this, Dopey looked furtive. “It’s not that easy.”

  Thought about what was going on. Not with all of this, but with the minute clue Sandy had given me—the issue was with Grumpy and Dopey fighting for control.

  Since they’d become a romantic item, that likely meant that much of what they were doing was in retaliation against the other for slights and injuries, perceived and real.

  “Why did you and Grumpy break up?”

  This question caused everyone to stare at me. “What possible relevance could that have to our current situation?” Dopey asked.

  “Seconded,” Christopher added.

  Managed not to roll my eyes but it took effort. “It matters. Why did you guys stop working together?”

  Dopey sniffed. “She insulted me one too many times.”

  “Uh huh. Why did you guys stop being a couple?”

  Dopey glared at me. Still not up to Christopher’s level, but perhaps he just needed practice. He tried for the stare down, which, since he wasn’t Mom or Chuckie, I won easily. “She said I didn’t listen to her or understand her needs,” he said as he looked away, “and she was tired of doing all the work in the relationship.”

  “How did that ma
ke you feel?” White asked, sympathy oozing.

  “Terrible,” Dopey admitted. “I did my best. She just never appreciated me.”

  “Women can be like that,” Christopher said, apparently deigning to catch on and join the party.

  My music changed to “Spirits in the Material World” by the Police while Dopey shared his short, familiar tale of relationship woes with the guys, all of whom made sympathetic noises and kept him rolling. The song was clearly a clue, but I already knew that the superconsciousnesses were vapor, essentially, and that they were acting in the physical world.

  Looked around at everything while Dopey got up and started giving the squirrels orders—in between continuing to share about him and Grumpy and how none of this was his fault but all hers—most of which related to making the animals that were in holding in the various bins alive. Didn’t look around in wonder, but in hopes of seeing if there was another spirit in here, maybe. Possibly Grumpy hanging about, or maybe Sandy. Nada.

  But what I did note this particular time, now that I was accustomed to the weirdness—which now included the squirrels using small guns that truly looked like Super Soakers to shoot something into every one of the bins and seeing the animal shells in said bins wake up and leap out—was that it was all very fantastical, too bizarre and too ridiculous, and most of it seemed to have no actual effective purpose.

  No normal adult would have created something like this. No crazy adult would have, either.

  But a child might have.

  CHAPTER 36

  DOPEY WAS STILL LISTING Grumpy’s faults as the squirrels kept on spraying the whatever it was into the many bins and the pygmy elephants and tiny horses ran out of the room once they were brought to life. “Come with me if you want to live,” Dopey said, as he ran out after them. The squirrels stayed, doing their weird work. There were still a ton of bins they hadn’t gotten to yet.

  “I’ll bet he’s been waiting a while to say that,” Chuckie said. “Do we follow him?”