Aliens Abroad

by Gini Koch

  “I will.” She looked at me as Hixxx went under. “These others, these herbivores, what else do they eat?”

  “Ummm . . . Chuckie, you’re up.”

  He laughed. “I can advise you. None of them eat trees.”

  She shook her leaves. “That is not my concern. I wish to provide what sustenance they need. We can create other aspects of ourselves. Nonsentient aspects,” she added, presumably to the looks of horror that were on most of our faces.

  “Sounds good since it no longer sounds like cannibalism or the offering of babies for slaughter.”

  Neela laughed again. “No, we would never condone that.” She made some movements with her branches and the other tree people started moving out, presumably to find the places they wanted to plant themselves. Literally.

  “This is awfully easy,” Reader said quietly. “The easiest detente I think we’ve ever had.”

  “I think it’s because both leaders aren’t warlike,” Jeff said. “Neela’s people were frightened, Hixxx’s were angry, but mostly they just want to live in peace. They’re both homogenous races, with almost no friction that I’ve picked up.”

  “Wow, peaceful races? We need to make hella sure this planet is protected.” Resolved to get that Galactic Decree sent via whatever means Mother could manage. This place needed protecting sooner than whenever we got back. My music changed to the Eurythmics’ “I Saved the World Today,” which was nice to hear, both sonically and because I hoped this was Algar telling me that it was all going to work out on Planet Black.

  “I agree,” Jeff said. “Speaking of which, what’s this planet called?”

  “We called it Night World,” Neela said. Well, kinda close to Planet Black. “And our world Tropea. But I do not know what Brother Hixxx calls his home.”

  Looked at Dopey. “Did you ever ask him?”

  “No,” Dopey admitted.

  “Typical,” Tim muttered.

  SuperBun shared that Hixxx called this world Nazez. I shared that with the others.

  “What do you call yourselves?” I asked Neela. “And SuperBun, feel free to chime in with what Hixxx’s people call themselves.”

  “We are the Dawar,” Neela said.

  Per SuperBun, the sea serpents were the Ezkot.

  “Good names, and we’ll have them added to the Galactic Register, which actually exists, lucky all of us. Now for Grumpy and Dopey.”

  “No,” Chuckie said firmly. “Now for us.”

  CHAPTER 43

  CHUCKIE SIGHED AT OUR expressions. “Really? You’ve all forgotten this soon? Chlorophyll. We need it, or we’re going to have to take Hixxx up on his offer—and there are a lot of carnivores on the ship. I’m not sure how well we’ll all do with a grass-only diet.”

  SuperBun didn’t like where this was going, since we’d shared that we ate rabbits.

  “Some people. Some people eat rabbit.” I did, for example. Though, now that I had Peter and SuperBun, realized I was never eating a rabbit again. “We don’t eat our pets.”

  “Unless we’re starving,” Christopher said.

  “You’re not helping,” Jeff told him.

  “But I believe that we can,” Neela said. “We have that element inside of us.”

  “But it could hurt you to give it to us,” Chuckie said. “And that goes against what we believe.”

  Neela shook her leaves. “No. It will not harm us. This planet also has chlorophyll. Theirs is even more powerful than ours.”

  “Is that possible?” Reader asked.

  Chuckie shrugged. “It’s a big old galaxy. So, sure, why not?”

  Tim was on his phone. “Yes, one shuttle, please, it should be enough. And Drax, too, since we have a source of chlorophyll but not the means of extraction. Thanks.” He hung up. “They’ll be here shortly.”

  “Meaning, we’re back to the Grumpy and Dopey Show.”

  Sandy sighed. “They should return to be as they were.”

  “They can’t,” Chuckie said. “Just look at them. If they could have, they already would have.”

  “Unless they’re faking,” Christopher, our current Designated Downer, muttered.

  Had to admit, Grumpy and Dopey were not looking impressive or powerful in any way. Wondered for a moment if Christopher was right, though, if it was an act. Then reminded myself that they were, literally, half of themselves and that the sooner we got them fixed, the better, for everyone.

  “Their powers are gone. They’re still powerful, but no longer like they were. And the longer you wait to join them, the weaker they’re going to get.” Looked at the two of them. “You guys need to stop pretending to be mythical Earth figures.”

  “We chose a benevolent image,” Dopey said. “Because that’s what we want to be.”

  “And yet, the first thing you guys did was fight.”

  They both looked down. “We failed,” Grumpy said.

  “Yes, you did. It happens. It happens to humans all the time. We manage to find the will to go on. But the biggest issue was that you went about this the wrong way. Look, stop trying to imitate someone or something, anything, else. Be what the two of you want to be. Not what you think you should be, but what you actually want to be. Together. Discuss it between the two of you. Do it in the superfast superconsciousness way that I’m hoping you still can or that Sandy can help you with. But figure out it before Hixxx is back.”

  “Why so fast?” Sandy asked.

  “Because I have another appointment to keep that all your crap has made me late for and I and my people would like to get on the road again, so to speak. Sooner as opposed to later.”

  Jeff grinned. “And what the one who wears the scales says, goes.”

  Rolled my eyes. “I say let’s get this all taken care of pronto. We have promises to keep.”

  “And miles to go before we sleep,” Chuckie added with a laugh.

  “When would you like the chlorophyll?” Neela asked politely. “Since I have promised, too.”

  “Whenever it’s convenient for you to provide it,” Jeff replied.

  “Though now would be great,” Chuckie added.

  “Then now it will be.” Neela called a few other Dawar over, and Dopey, Grumpy, and Sandy got ready to do their thing, whatever that thing might be.

  While we waited for the shuttle to arrive, Algar put Willie Nelson’s “On the Road Again” onto my airwaves, Jeff, Chuckie, Tim, and Reader made scales jokes, Christopher spent time glaring at a variety of things because he never wanted to be out of practice, and I pulled our group aside so we could fill each other in on whatever we’d missed, which I was hoping wasn’t a lot but probably was something vital. Realized I was doing the Debby Downer thing now and decided to vote for hoping for the positive spin.

  “We got all the rabbits up to the ship,” Tim said, once he was done cracking wise. “Some went in the shuttles with people but, fortunately, we were able to just pack them like Themnir into some of the shuttles. Airborne handled most of that, with Butler and Maurer helping. Butler’s the one bringing Drax and the shuttle.”

  “Look at you, Mister Man of the Galaxy, using Themnir instead of sardines as your example. I’m so proud.”

  “Yeah, well, the Themnir arrived alive and sardines pack in dead. I went for the positive spin. Speaking of positive, are you absolutely sure they’re trustworthy? And before you say yes, remember that you weren’t the one they were chasing with their big nasty teeth and sharp claws.”

  “They were trying to get more space vehicles down here so everyone could escape.”

  “Yeah, we figured it out when they erupted out of the ground and ran for the shuttle,” Reader said. “It was a clue.”

  “Why so testy, James? Too much caffeine?”

  He gave me a shot of the cover boy grin. “Nope, I’m just glad that we have room on the Distant Voyager fo
r them. Unless they want to stay now that things are calmed down.”

  SuperBun shared that his people wanted off this rock forever. Space sounded better than what they’d been through. He also mentioned that all of them were what humans would consider domesticated by now—even the ones who’d been wild when taken were so grateful to be away from Dopey and Grumpy and this planet of terror that they were pro anyone and everyone on the Distant Voyager, now and forever, and if that meant they were pets, then they’d be pets that didn’t have to worry about being turned into terrifying monsters, and that was a bit of all right for all of them.

  Once translated, everyone agreed that rabbits were great as pets and not as food, and they could stay. Felt SuperBun finally relax.

  Hixxx returned to the tune of “Union” by The Black Eyed Peas and with another eruption of animals. “Horses, elephants, and squirrels, oh my. And, thank God, they look normal again.”

  We had African and Asian elephants, every type and color of horse, and every type and color of squirrel, too. It was interesting—as with the rabbits, which ran the gamut, Dopey and Grumpy had clearly only been selective in terms of the general idea of these animals. Otherwise, if you wanted a black draft horse or an Appaloosa, or anything in between, you had it. It was impressive in that, per SuperBun, they’d cloned most of the horses.

  The squirrels ran for trees in that squirrel way—run fast, stop, look around, run, stop, look around, reach a tree, climb it. The Dawar seemed to have no issues with the squirrels at all. I heard a lot of tree people giggling, which sounded like leaves shaking, but it was a nice sound. Heard happy squirrel chittering, which was a far nicer sound, especially having heard the unhappy squirrel chittering not all that long ago.

  The horses whinnied at everyone, then galloped off in several herds. Figured they just wanted to run for a bit and feel like themselves, and who could blame them?

  The elephants, however, came over to us, the ones with the largest tusks in the lead. SuperBun shared that elephants were already hella intelligent and the black water had made them more so.

  The lead African and Asian elephants bowed their heads to us. We bowed back. Then they walked off. The rest of their elephants followed suit. This took quite a while—Hixxx had to submerge at least six times, the shuttle arrived, Butler and Drax got introduced to Neela, Drax and Neela started the Chlorophyll Draining Process, and Algar had time to play all of Elefant’s “The Black Magic Show” album—but I didn’t regret it.

  The elephants were talking to me the whole time, thanking us for saving them from their personal hell. They’d known and understood all that had happened to them and the others, had understood what the mad scientist had planned to do to the sun, had even understood that another world had already been destroyed, but had been powerless to stop any of it. And they appreciated how angry this made me, because they had given up hope, but we’d shown them that there was still good in the world.

  “I’m proud of you,” Jeff said softly to me as the last elephants moved on. “I can hear the animals through your mind now, baby, and I can also feel how so much of you just wants to shred Dopey and Grumpy to bits. But you’re not going to do that or allow it, and that’s what true leaders, good leaders, do.”

  Leaned against him. “I hope you’re right. I hope I’m right—that they’ll actually have learned from this and be able to do good, versus evil, now. I want a Dark Crystal ending for them and this world, not The Fly.”

  My music changed to “Crystal Baller” by Third Eye Blind. Really hoped this was a positive sign from Algar, but didn’t bet on it, just because I hated giving the cosmos that much of an opening and invitation.

  “We’re about to find out.” Jeff put his arm around me and we walked back to where Sandy, Grumpy, and Dopey were. Everyone else on our team gathered ’round, animals, too—the Poofs came out of my purse for this, though they all stayed small, Christopher was still holding Bruno, and Siler was carrying Ginger—and Wruck went back to his human form. Some of the elephants, horses, squirrels, Dawar, and Ezkot came over to watch as well—sea serpent heads sticking out of the holes that had been elevator shafts—in addition to Hixxx and Neela.

  “They have chosen,” Sandy said.

  Noted that there was a lot of extra swirling around. “The rest of the Seven Dwarfs in attendance?”

  “They are. They are not forming, however.” Sandy looked like he was trying not to laugh. “They don’t want you to give them additional names.”

  “Probably a wise choice. So, speaking of choices, what’s it going to be?” I asked Dopey and Grumpy.

  They took each other’s hand and melted together. Literally. It was kind of cool but also kind of gross, but there weren’t fluids involved, so it was less gross than it could have been. It was also interesting, in the way that all things like this could be. Algar graced me with Bowling for Soup’s version of “I Melt With You” and I managed not to laugh.

  The other superconsciousnesses, other than Sandy, were swirling around them, doing something, though it was impossible to see what, exactly. They were mostly opaque while swirling for this, so it was hard to see much.

  It took longer than I’d expected—a good five minutes, during which I got to listen to Megadeth’s “United Abominations” and really hope Algar was being funny versus prophetic—before the swirling stopped. The superconsciousnesses went back to clear-swirly versus foggy-swirly, and what was now Dopey and Grumpy was here, for all the world to see.

  Definitely not what I’d been expecting.

  CHAPTER 44

  GRUMPY AND DOPEY HAD chosen to become a rabbit.

  A giant rabbit, at least compared to SuperBun—frankly, as compared to anyone other than the bigger guys with us—but a rabbit nonetheless. One that stood upright and whose front paws were a lot more like hands and all that, but still somehow managed to be adorable, possibly because it had fluffy fur and floppy ears. Even with large claws and big, sharp teeth it was adorbs.

  There were a few moments of stunned silence from everyone. Even Sandy looked shocked, and the other superconsciousnesses were swirling in a way that indicated shock to me as well. They’d definitely made an entrance.

  The Dopey-Grumpy Bunny looked worried. Realized that now wasn’t the time for criticism. Didn’t even need the song cue of “Hip Hop Lover” by En Vogue in order to catch this clue.

  “I love it,” I said with the same level of enthusiasm I used when one of the kids made and gave me something.

  The Dopey-Grumpy Bunny relaxed. “Really?” The voice didn’t sound distinctly male or female or animal, even. But it wasn’t unpleasant, just different, in the same way that Wruck was different in true Anciannas form.

  “Yes,” I said firmly. “What made you choose this form?”

  “Rabbits are Gr-, ah, our favorite. And they are cute and can be brave and protective, too.”

  “Well put, Harvey.”

  The rabbit blinked. “Is that our name now? It sounds . . . male.”

  “It can be. It can be anything you want it to be. But in the movie, Harvey is a pooka, which is an Irish spirit, as in something that’s both there and not there. I mean, Pooka would be an option, but I think Harvey is better. Besides, we don’t need you being mischievous like Bugs, goofy like Roger, working too hard like Energizer, or neurotic like Pooh’s friend. Peter is already taken, thank you very much, there’s only one SuperBun and I’m holding him, and you don’t get to be named after a holiday or a color. You’ve done enough damage already so, while it could be fitting, Caerbannog is right out, and I refuse to name you after cereal, especially because the word Trix can have so many other meanings.” Heard Tim and Reader snicker. “So, yes, I think you’re keeping Harvey.”

  “We have an enemy named Harvey,” Jeff added. “It would be nice to know someone with that name who isn’t our enemy.”

  “We didn’t understand most of the ref
erences,” Harvey admitted.

  “Neither did I,” Jeff said cheerfully. “Doesn’t matter.”

  Harvey nodded slowly. “We no longer wish to be your enemy. We don’t wish to be anyone’s enemy.”

  “That’s the spirit,” Tim said. “Better late than never, too.”

  “Super. Gustav, what’s our chlorophyll situation?”

  “The Dawar have given us all that we should need,” he replied.

  “We can provide some as well,” Hixxx said. “Just in case.”

  Drax trotted over to Hixxx and did his thing there, too. Actively chose not to pay attention to whatever it was on the grounds that my head didn’t want to hurt. Happily, my music changed to “The Sounds of Science” by the Beastie Boys, because Algar was cool that way. It was nice to be understood, after all.

  “Okay, so we’re about to get out of here, because we have that appointment somewhere else to get to. However, Sandy, I hope you realize that Harvey is now your problem, and by ‘your’ I mean all of you from the Eagle Nebula. It’s time to get involved, so that your child here doesn’t screw up again. Like ever. Most kids get second chances. Harvey does not. I hope I’m being clear.”

  “Crystal,” Sandy said. “And we agree.”

  “Harvey, here’s your sentence, as in how you make reparations for all the bad you’ve done. You’re staying on this planet, but you’re not in charge. You’re going to learn from Hixxx and Neela and what you’re going to learn is how to be a good, caring, and compassionate leader. I don’t know how long their lifespans are, so you may have to learn from their successors. Maybe many successors, maybe only a few. But your job for the foreseeable future is to learn. And to protect this planet and all the life on it, and any new life allowed on it by Hixxx and Neela. You’re part of them, now, but you serve them, not the other way around.”

  “But,” Reader said, “remember that giving people what they want isn’t the same thing as giving them what they need. Wants are rarely necessary. Needs, however, are vital.”