Aliens Abroad

by Gini Koch

  Finally, we came to the tapestries that dealt with things outside the solar system. There were a couple showing the system leaving the galaxy. Then one that showed the system as we’d seen it in the earlier pictures—with intact planets and moons. And then a tapestry devoted to each of the other planets’ destruction. The last tapestry wasn’t finished, and while it was shown in black, it was clear that the planet being destroyed was the blue one.

  There was also a throne, but no one was sitting on it. The throne sat on a dais raised a good twenty feet in the air, and light shone down from above to bathe the throne in sunlight. Presumably this was where the sun and the person who sat in that throne did their reflection thing.

  Someone was on the dais, but they were in shadow, clearly for the effect. “Who comes from the stars to visit me?” The speaker seemed to feel he was commanding, but his voice was nasal and nowhere near as deep as Telzor’s.

  “Mad Lord Johpunnt,” Telzor said respectfully, “may the sun continue to love your reflection, I present Kitty, the Warrior Queen.”

  “Gaze upon your lord and ruler,” Johpunnt said. “And tremble.”

  CHAPTER 103

  MY MUSIC CHANGED TO “Black Sheep” by Saliva as the Mad Lord stepped dramatically into the light.

  Well, he was successful because I was trembling. But from trying to keep the Inner Hyena inside, not from fear. This was the hardest Inner Hyena test yet, even though I’d looked at the tapestries, and Jamie and Algar both had warned me.

  It wasn’t a bull on the dais. It was a sheep. Not much of a sheep, either. Roanach was more impressive. But this sheep was different from the others—most of his wool was black, other than the wool on his head, which was the same color as the Orange Scourge.

  Additionally, and unlike the other sheep, who hadn’t done much with their look, his wool was combed out and stylishly done, or at least I presumed he thought it was stylish. The wool on his body was quite fluffy, at least what there was of it—had a feeling he was dealing with whatever sheep called early male pattern baldness. On his head, what there was of it was sort of swoopy, as if he was trying to go for a Young Elvis look but only achieving a Not Enough Pomade look.

  To top it all off, he had really wimpy horns. It was if they’d stopped growing when he was a lamb or something. Roanach didn’t have the greatest horns, but he was King of the Rack in comparison to Johpunnt.

  “The Warrior Queen has arrived,” Mad Lord Johpunnt said imperiously. “The prophecies will now come true.”

  “What prophecies are those?” I asked. Compared him to the tapestry pictures of the other leaders. Either they’d been far better specimens or the artists had made sure they looked impressive. Gave it even odds for either.

  Mad Lord Johpunnt looked directly at me for the first time. If I’d thought the rest of the people on this world had crazy eyes, that was only because I hadn’t seen his. He was the definition of eyes staring into the crazy void. Jamie had actually undersold this dude.

  “The prophecies say,” Johpunnt said in a tone that said he was preparing a really great evil cackle, “that when the Warrior Queen comes, I shall kill her and then we will rule the universe.” On cue, he cackled. I’d heard better. “So,” he added in a totally normal tone, “prepare to die. Oh, and Telzor, be sure that everyone with her dies, too. Oh, I’m sorry. That will include you, as well.”

  “My Mad Lord?” Telzor asked, sounding a little surprised.

  “You lost to her. Pathetically. You failed me. So, you get to die, too, along with those two pathetic traitors who chose to befriend her instead of just killing her where she stood.”

  Telzor’s shoulders slumped and he bowed his head. “As you command.”

  Heard a whimper behind me. Reached back and stroked Clorence and Roanach’s heads. “That’s it?” I asked, as Buchanan and White both shifted into fighting stances, hefting Telzor’s swords like they’d trained with them. “No chitchat about our different planets, no interest in why I’m here, no explanation of your rightful place among galactic leaders, just nice to meet you, so long?”

  “Yes,” Johpunnt said. “You exist only to be defeated by my warriors so that we can ascend to the next levels. And I care nothing for the galaxy. We are about to rule the universe.”

  The rabbits, not the bulls, surrounded us. The bulls were just blocking the exits, but the rabbits looked ready to leap. And ready to rend and tear. The rabbits looked quite eager to fight. Realized they were the shock troops of this world. Not great for us.

  My music changed to “Red Carpet Grave” by Marilyn Manson and Tim Skold. Took the hint that if I didn’t start doing what I did best—keep the bad guy monologuing until I could formulate the way to win—we were all dead. “Um, you know, as to that, are you aware that your solar system has left its galaxy of origin?” I mean, the tapestries seemed clear, but maybe he never looked at them.

  “Of course I am.” Johpunnt shrugged. “We are going to rule the universe.”

  “No. Your sun is going to die and you’re going to die with it.”

  He chuckled. “So naïve. No, we will live forever.”

  “Sure you will. Also, seriously, how can the prophecy work if it’s your rabbits killing me, instead of you doing it yourself?”

  “What?” Johpunnt seemed a little thrown by this question. Good.

  “I mean, I get it, I’m supposed to be here and get defeated. But if your rabbits are the ones who defeat me, doesn’t that mean they’re the ones who should lead or ascend or whatever, not you? I mean, you’re just standing there imperiously, not doing anything. They’ll be doing the real work and the real defeating. Why should you get to rule when they’re doing all the heavy lifting?”

  “Because I am Mad Lord Johpunnt! And their honor is to serve me!”

  “Just like Darkseid,” I said as an aside to White. “Couldn’t care less about his people.”

  “Most despots are like that,” White replied. “The problem is that they tend to have so many minions willing to die for a cause that doesn’t serve their interests in any way and for a leader who doesn’t care about them.”

  “Well, until the despot is killed.” Did the entwined-fingers arms-over-the-head stretch. “And that’s what I’m here to do, I guess, since reason doesn’t seem to be on the table.”

  “Some people only respect strength,” Buchanan said.

  “True dat. You guys ready?” Noted more rabbits coming in. They were massing in groups, but didn’t expect that to last long. “I think the Mad Lord has called in more troops, just in case. Because he’s a coward.” Ensured my voice carried.

  “You accuse me of cowardice?” Johpunnt seemed offended. Good again.

  “Yeah, I do. You don’t have the balls to fight. At least Telzor tried. Sure, he failed, but he gave it a shot. You’re too afraid of me to come down off that dais and fight me like a sheep. Or do you go by sheeple?” Wasn’t sure how sheep fought, actually, but that didn’t matter at this precise time.

  “Sheeple has a ring to it,” Roanach whispered to Clorence. Chose not to share that it was a derogatory term on Earth. Why spoil the moment?

  “I am the leader,” Johpunnt snarled. “And I go by the title of Mad Lord!”

  “Blah, blah, leader, blah, blah, mad lord. Well, that’s right, at least. You’re totally bonkers.”

  “I am the one who rules all and leads all of Helix Rime!”

  “That means you should lead, you insignificant pompous ass. It doesn’t mean you hide behind everyone else shouting orders and screaming for your entitlements. You lead by example, by doing the best for your people. You’re doing the worst for them now. Your system isn’t going to survive too much longer, and instead of figuring out how to find a new star, you’re just happy floating in the black between galaxies, pretending everything’s fine when it’s all going to hell in a really big handbasket.”

 
“That was tried!” Johpunnt said. “And they doomed us!”

  “Excuse me?”

  “In the old, old days, the star of our ancestors was dying. They said they would save everyone, send us to a paradise. But we were sent here! To hell!” He shook his head and started pacing. “For so long, our ancestors waited. Waited for the others to find us, to bring us to the promised land. And then, then somewhere along the way, we realized that no one was coming!”

  Had to offer the sane option, just because it was required, not that I thought he’d respond to it. “Perhaps they just didn’t know where you were.”

  “They knew! They sent us here on purpose! Once we realized that, then we spent so long, too long, thinking we were to blame, that we had done something wrong, something to deserve the punishment of this place. Then we realized.” He stopped pacing, spun, and looked at me and I realized who he reminded me of—Farley Pecker, the head of the Church of Hate and Intolerance. This was a sermon, of sorts, and he was the preacher. And he definitely believed.

  “That you just needed to figure out how to get into space to find the rest of your people?”

  “No! We realized that we were the chosen ones! Chosen to become stronger, better. Chosen to rule. Chosen to destroy those who had the easy lives. And from that moment, we knew only one thing—the joy of revenge. We will have our revenge! We will destroy everyone and then rule the universe as is our birthright!”

  “You know, I’m losing you. If you destroy everyone, what is there to rule?”

  Johpunnt blinked. “What?”

  “It’s not an exact science, desperately sending out meteor spaceships. Planets move. Asteroids and other space crap knock your ships off orbit. Maybe you don’t land where you were supposed to. Maybe you land far from where you were supposed to go, maybe you land close. Maybe some of your spaceships get destroyed. And that doesn’t indicate evil intent.”

  “No, what do you mean about ruling?”

  “I mean that all that doesn’t mean that you get to go on some insane rampage just because your spaceship didn’t hit a nicer location. And I still fail to see how destroying all the other locations works in your favor. If there’s nowhere else to go, why bother?”

  Johpunnt gaped at me. “To . . . to rule the universe.”

  “But you said you want to destroy all of it. So, how does that work? You’re the king of nothing?” On cue, Algar shared “The King of Nothing” by Seals and Crofts. “Look at this planet! It looks unlivable, but your people are surviving and thriving here. And instead of doing what you can to make that better, you’re only focused on some ancient vendetta and bizarre form of rulership that leaves everything devastated.”

  “Our rage is everything,” Johpunnt said. “Our rage is all that matters.”

  “Sheep crap it is. Caring for your people is what matters. Not destroying everything. Making things better is what the leader is supposed to do, not make them worse.”

  “I am the chosen leader of my people,” Johpunnt said. “When the Lord finally loses his fight with life, a new one is chosen. I was marked as a child as the future leader.” He indicated the wool on his head. “And I have ruled Helix Rime well for all the years that I have been the Lord!”

  “Um, how long is that, exactly?”

  “I have—what?” He seemed confused.

  “I’ll speak more slowly. How long have you been the sheeple in charge? I’m sure your time doesn’t correspond with mine, but since we’re speaking the same language, I assume I’ll manage to do the math. So, how long?”

  “Five hundred years.”

  “Wow. You all must live a hella long time.”

  White cleared his throat. “Their view of what years are is far quicker than ours, My Queen. In our terms, it would be just over forty-one months.”

  “So not even three and a half of our years? Wow, he’s in his first term as President for our world. And doing as crappy a job with it as I’ve ever seen.”

  “You have insulted me for the last time,” Johpunnt said. “All of you, prepare for my order to kill them!”

  The rabbits all squatted, presumably in preparation to leap onto us the moment Johpunnt gave the word. But before they could do anything there was a scream. A bird’s scream. Several of them, actually. And I knew the voices.

  Peregrines appeared out of nowhere. Only, not nowhere. They’d been in Len, Kyle, Abigail, Siler, and Kevin’s arms and, as they flew out of said arms, the people appeared. Presumed this meant that Mossy and Mahin had stayed in the shuttle with Chuckie.

  Bruno was shrieking in Peregrine, and what he was saying was that any rabbits that thought they were going to leap onto me and the others had another think coming.

  But that wasn’t all. “Look!” Clorence shouted. Looked around and realized that Clorence was looking behind us. Turned to see one of our shuttles swoop in—well, the hole was more than big enough to let it in, as were the doors to the throne room, and the cavern was ginormous. The camouflage had obviously worked well enough on the way in because I didn’t see a ton of Johpunnt’s troops coming in.

  The shuttle didn’t land but, as my music changed to “Here Comes The Hammer” by MC Hammer, the door opened and Adam, Rahmi, Rhee, Tito, Naveed Jeremy, Jennifer, MJO, and Gadhavi all jumped out and landed around us. Figured Hamlin was flying the shuttle with Bellie as copilot. Go Backup Auxiliary Team. They all had weapons ready, though only the princesses had weapons that our enemies seemed to recognize as such.

  But that wasn’t all they had. Because more were coming out of the shuttle. Rabbits, our rabbits, twenty of them if there was one, and the least weasels. Only they weren’t small. All of them were at least as big as Algar, maybe bigger, the weasels in particular.

  “So, I see the least weasels have become the most weasels. Go team. And Orange Scourge, I presume.” Figured that this was how the animals on this planet had managed to survive and grow larger, too.

  “Did you know,” Tito said conversationally, “that a pack of least weasels can take down a full-grown sheep? On our world, that is. I mean, here, on this one, with the size they are, I’m pretty sure just one weasel could take one sheep. Maybe more.”

  “Nice!” Turned back to Johpunnt. “This, in our world, is what we call a Mexican Standoff. No one can advance or retreat without losing position or safety. So, Johpunnt, before you give the order to attack, I’d like to give you a chance to reconsider your position.”

  “There is nothing to reconsider. You have never faced enemies such as my troops. They will rend all of you and then we will feast on your flesh.”

  “You’re herbivores,” I felt compelled to point out.

  “Only when we have no meat to devour,” Johpunnt said.

  Looked at Telzor out of the corner of my eye. He looked kind of sick to his stomach. “Telzor,” I asked quietly, “is that true?”

  “In the past we have been . . . required . . . to eat the remains of our enemies. It is not something most of us relish doing, but it is required.”

  “By whom?”

  “By our laws, the laws given to us in the distant past.”

  “Yeah, about that. It’s not the distant past anymore. I think it’s time for you guys to come into the current future.”

  “I don’t see how that will happen,” Telzor said, somewhat sadly.

  “One question. How do your laws of succession work? As in, should one of us manage to kill the Mad Lord there, will we automatically be in the middle of a gigantic war, or will we rule this world?”

  “It depends on who would dare to kill the Mad Lord. Normally the next chosen would rule, but we have not had such a birth yet.”

  Meaning no one else had the Neon Orange Birthmark. Oh well, that could make things easier.

  Considered how best to handle this. Well, I was the Warrior Queen, but that didn’t mean that I was required to fight fa
ir. Superman and the Flash were on the blue planet, Batman probably would approve, and I was only Wonder Woman on Bizarro World. Here, in my universe, I was Wolverine With Boobs. And Wolverine was very willing to cheat if it meant saving the lives of a lot of innocents and grunts who were just forced to be doing their distasteful jobs.

  My music changed to Panic! At the Disco’s “Crazy=Genius.” Nice to see that Algar agreed with my plan.

  “Rahmi, Rhee, two things.”

  “Yes, My Warrior Queen?” Rahmi asked eagerly, sounding like she’d been waiting forever to address me this way and was overjoyed that the time had finally come.

  “One, is that if things go as they usually do, figure you’re going to really be having a great time.”

  “What is two, My Warrior Queen?” Rhee asked, sounding even more eager and thrilled about using this title for me than her older sister. Well, their mother was the queen of her world.

  “Two is that if things go as I’m hoping they do, I’m sorry.”

  Flipped my gun into my arms, aimed, and fired.

  CHAPTER 104

  DIRECT HIT. I was good with this thing. Shot again, several times, just in case. Hit my target every time.

  Cages fell and slammed onto the ground. All the rabbit shock troops, other than the few around us, were trapped and it looked like no one had gotten smooshed, either.

  Didn’t wait for the reactions. Instead I ran and did a flip into the air. Lilith gave me an assist and I sailed onto the dais to land perfectly in front of the throne. There were a hell of a lot of gasps from the audience, from my team included. Had no time to be impressed myself but planned to revel in the moment later.