River's Return (River's End Series, #3)

by Davis, Leanne

  Morning sickness? No. He really didn’t know. His heart started tripping fast and his palms were sweating. That would destroy her. And scare her. And make her lash out at him. He shook his head and looked down. Running his hands through his hair, he silently swore. He’d been such a short-sighted idiot.

  “Shane?”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m here, Erin. I’m here. I’ll be back. Three hours, tops.”

  “What are you going to do?” Her tone was calmer now, normal Erin, even respectful.

  “Go see her.”

  Silence. Then, “I’m sorry I yelled. I thought you left her because of it.”

  “No. Never. She picked a really stupid fight; and I just needed to get some air. Some space. I was coming back anyway today.”

  “Oh.” Erin’s gusto sounded ruined. “That’s not what I expected of you.”

  “Well, that used to be me. Until Allison.”

  Erin was quiet before asking, “Why does being pregnant freak her out so bad? Her eyes were huge with panic; and she was so worried I might ask her what was wrong. So I just kept quiet, but it was impossible not to guess.”

  He shut his eyes and hoped she’d be okay with him telling Erin the truth. “She lost a child. A stillborn daughter. Four years ago.”

  Silence fell between them. He understood Erin’s quiet reception of that news. Then she swore and sniffed. “Oh damn. Shane… I had no idea. She never let on. Not in all these months, or even years that I knew her, she never once indicated anything like that happened to her.”

  “That’s how we got together.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “I caught her crying on her daughter’s birth-slash-death date. I had no idea why; I just knew she was hurting, and it was a terrible thing to witness. It made a powerful connection.”

  “You’re in love with her.”

  He laughed shortly. “Erin, I told her that almost eight months ago.”

  Erin coughed to mask her exclamation of surprise. “I had no idea. You mean, from the start you were that serious?”

  “From the very start. It’s never been like that for me. But it has for her. I get that. It’s okay with me. But this…”

  “Changes everything.”

  “Yeah. Pretty much.”

  “What will you do?”

  “Go to her. Thank you for telling me.”

  She sighed. “I shouldn’t have yelled until I spoke to you.”

  “Yes, you should have. My history is what it is. I’ll see you.”

  He zipped his phone into the inside of his coat, straddled his legs over his bike, and took off, far exceeding the speed limits. His heart hammered and his head spun with panic. Fear. A strange lump lodged in his throat and churned his guts. But he tried to ignore his own reactions, which were so deep, they had to wait for later. All that mattered now, right this second, was getting to Allison.

  It was his anthem, his prayer, and his whole point to life.

  The small school parking lot was half empty. He barely stopped and kicked the stand on his bike before sprinting across the lot, into the main hallway of the school. He skipped checking in. No one stopped him or commented on his presence. He passed some kids in line who were ready to go into the library, and waved at the school counselor as he ran past. It was the same one that used to dole out his punishments and demerits for whatever offense he had most recently committed.

  There it was: Allison’s classroom. Bursting through the closed door, straight into her full class, she stood up in alarm. She was previously talking to the kids who were all properly seated at their respective desks. All heads turned towards him at the back of the class where he so rudely intruded. A few of the kids’ eyes widened in shock, and others were almost glowing in fear. Allison’s mouth opened, then closed. Her eyes met his and his gaze roamed her face, as if he were checking for fresh wounds. Closing his eyes, he let the overwhelming emotions rock through him.

  “Why didn’t you just tell me?” he asked in almost a whisper after his conspicuously loud arrival. The class was frozen in total surprise and silence. Her shoulders slumped and fresh tears filled her eyes. Her hair was pulled into a neat braid, her staple for teaching, and her clothes were the usual skirt and blouse. Always so neat, tidy, tucked in, and prim. She started shaking her head and her hands went to her face. He strode up to the side of the classroom, ignoring all the little eyes, wide with wonder, and the inappropriateness of his presence. He knew she needed him. Now. Right now. Forever. She needed him.

  He reached out and swooped in to pull her up against him. Bringing her to his chest, his arms wrapped around her back, clutching her tightly. Her sobs were instant and deep as she helplessly clung to him before she sobbed and cried. The students sat bewildered and in shock, no doubt, half traumatized to see their teacher in tears. Not to mention… well, Shane. He wasn’t the typical teacher’s boyfriend, he supposed. He leaned her back and gently pressed his lips to her already swollen eyelids. “You need to call the front office. They’ll have to get a substitute to teach your class today,” he said gently.

  She started nodding, but her thoughts were scattered. He could tell she hesitated, and didn’t know what to do. He picked up the phone and quickly called the office, briefly explaining there was a family emergency and Mrs. Gray needed a class substitute immediately.

  Allison didn’t argue with Shane. She smiled a sad, pathetic smile of encouragement to the kids, saying, “I’m sorry, kids. This is my friend, Shane. And his arrival was totally unexpected to me too. I thought… I thought he was gone for good.”

  “But he’s not gone. And he was never gone. And furthermore, he will never be gone,” Shane said. He was staring at her and her lips trembled in response as she barely nodded to indicate she agreed.

  The principal came striding into the classroom and quickly observed Allison’s lack of composure. The principal knew Shane and didn’t have a favorable impression of him. Shane saw his mouth pucker with surprise, but he ignored it as he picked up Allison’s coat and other things before grasping her arm as she stumbled alongside him to leave.

  They made it as far as an empty conference room before she started to cry. He pushed her into the unoccupied room and locked the door. He held her tightly against him and she shook her head. “How did you…?”

  “Erin figured it out. She called me.”

  “Oh,” she hiccupped and her hands fisted in his shirt.

  “Why didn’t you come and tell me?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know how it happened. I can’t do this. I can’t go through this again. I can’t…” She was sobbing again and her mascara ran all over her face. He wiped it off with the pads of his thumbs.

  “Shh, honey. I’m here. I’ll help you. How long have you known?”

  She calmed down a bit and quieted. The question slightly intimidated her and he could feel her muscles going taut. “Six weeks.”

  Six weeks. Damn. He was a little shocked she managed to keep it quiet so long. Why? How? How could she keep it a secret from him for that long? Not too well, obviously.

  “Go ahead, you can hate me. You have a right to know. Y—you have rights too. But it’s my body. Mine. And I can’t do this again. I can’t. Not again. I just can’t…” She was sobbing incoherently against him. She struggled to get away, but Shane only held her more tightly. Holding her up, he understood how deeply her fear and grief ran and intermingled. His stomach tightened at what she had said, but still, he soothed and shushed and held her. He ran his hands into her hair and along her cheeks. “Shh, Allison. You don’t have to do anything. I’m here. I’m just here. Always. No matter what. I love you, honey. All the time. Forever. No matter what.”

  He kept talking until she finally calmed down and draped herself against him. She shook her head after five minutes of complete silence. “I can’t have this baby. You’ll hate me in the end.”

  “That’s why you tried to send me away?”

  “Yes.” She sobbed. “I couldn’t do
it if I had to face you. Are you angry at me?”

  “No, sweetheart.” She started to tremble at his soft tone. He trailed his fingertips gently down the side of her face. “I love you. That’s the end of it for me. I’m here, no matter what you do. You should have told me because you needed me.”

  “I can’t do it. You don’t understand. I can’t face this.”

  He almost completely held her up now and stared into her eyes. He waited until she met his penetrating gaze. “I know. I know. But did you think you could handle the other without me? Really? You thought that? Look at you.” He tenderly pushed her bangs off her forehead and watched the fresh tears flood her eyes before streaming down her red, mottled face. She wasn’t one who could cry and look normal a few minutes later. Every inch of her skin turned red and reflected her grief. He shook his head. “Look at you, baby. You can’t do this alone. You’re not really fine.”

  “I’m not. I know. But I was just so mad at you. That never happened to me before. I mean, not when I didn’t know it was happening. It’s that thing. Your piercing. It had to have ripped the condom. It had to. There is no other explanation. So you see, I did everything right. I didn’t ask for this. No, I tried to avoid it at all costs. So I don’t deserve to be forced to endure it now. It makes it okay to end it because I didn’t actually want or cause it.”

  He nodded as he stared into her suddenly bright and intense gaze. “Normally, when you get this upset, I would forego arguing, but I can’t have you thinking I did anything to hurt you. I swear to you, Allison, there is no proof or research anywhere to support the idea that piercings cause rips or issues with protection. Not anymore than people who don’t have them. I would not do that to you. You have to know that by now. After your history? I’d never risk it.”

  She shrugged. “It doesn’t change what is.”

  “No. It doesn’t.” He nodded, getting her solemnity.

  Her shoulders sagged into him. “It’s just not fair. I didn’t ask for this. Not again. I wasn’t careless.” She lifted her head off his shoulder, and her gaze traveled over his face. She whispered, “I just can’t do it again.”

  “Whatever you do, you won’t do it alone. Did you really intend not to tell me?”

  She shook her head and gave a lackluster shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing with anything right now. It’s my body. Mine. I’m the one who has to decide. And I can’t do it. I don’t think you understand how hard it is for me to face doing it. I don’t think you’re getting it.”

  She was desperate for him to understand. He did, however. He actually understood her. She needed him so much. His answer was a tight hug. “I’m getting it,” he said as his lips softly touched her cheek.

  She clutched his shoulders. “I’m sorry. I think, maybe I just freaked out.”

  “Oh, you did; you completely freaked out. But I’m here now; and together, we’ll figure this out.” Her body weight fell into his.

  “I can’t imagine how.”

  “Together. We can figure it out together.”

  ****

  An overwhelming sense of shame hit Allison and she nearly cowered under Shane’s gaze. His eyes revealed such kindness and understanding, she almost couldn’t stand it. She didn’t deserve it, not even a little bit. She was horrified over what she’d done to him. She wanted to hurt him because she was so afraid of getting hurt. It was a terrible, selfish reaction. And Shane’s punishment for that? Nothing but more tenderness and care towards her. Compassion and love were his response. He only wanted to help her.

  There were no more answers now than she had six weeks ago. It might as well have been six minutes ago, but at least, now she had Shane. He knew the truth, and he was still here. He didn’t say a word about what she should or shouldn’t do. And he didn’t admonish her for what she considered doing. For the thing, she tried to send him away before she did it. She needed to face it, but the magnitude of everything that could go wrong froze her, trapping her inside her head. She had no clue for how to proceed.

  Now, reality finally began to seep through the total panic and denial she’d been enduring for the last six weeks. She was pregnant. Shane knew, and she knew. She ultimately had to be the one to face it, and deal with it. She had to solve a problem.

  Shane simply took her home from school and basically put her to bed. She napped peacefully. When she awoke, her eyes ached and her throat was dry. She came downstairs, hours later, and Shane had made her dinner. He sat near her while they both ate quietly. The atmosphere wasn’t strained or angry, but simply confused silence.

  “I think you should take tomorrow off too.”

  She nodded at his valid suggestion. “Okay. You’re probably right.”

  He didn’t mention it again, or grill her to know what she intended to do, and why she could not tell him. He simply tugged her against him on the couch; and they contentedly watched TV, happy to just be together.

  He was totally right: she could not have done that alone.

  She still had to do it, however.

  She woke up sometime near morning and could not go back to sleep again. Shane was near her, his body taking up more than half the bed.

  He was there. That made all the difference. It also made it that much more real.

  She stared, wide-eyed, at the ceiling as milky light started to filter into the room. Hours later, Shane rolled over and his arms found her. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled her scent.

  “I can’t not have it.”

  Silence, long and deep, dominated the room. Then he said softly, “No, Allison, I don’t think there is any other option for you.”

  “Or you?” She honestly had no idea what he thought of the subject. There was no reason until now to discuss it. They weren’t nearly this far in their relationship.

  “No. Not by choice.”

  She didn’t say anything more, but turned on her side and stared out the window. He did too.

  ****

  Shane left for a few hours because he had an appointment with a client. Allison sensed he was reluctant to leave her alone. He was obviously worried. She found it hard to believe he was not angrier after learning how she intended to handle the whole thing. When he later returned in his truck, she had just finished dressing, and that was something, at least.

  “Will you come somewhere with me?” he asked after he leaned in to kiss her cheek in greeting.

  She shrugged, appearing listless. She had nothing more pressing; but her limbs felt too heavy to fathom going to work. Her head, however, would not quit thinking.

  She got into his truck silently and stared out the passenger window. They drove towards the ranch, but instead of pulling into where the horses and main house were, they passed it. Turning off to the left, they kept going until they were on the high side of the Rydells’ apple orchard. There was just a small spit of land that overlooked the entire valley. The river was at the center of the view. River’s End was one side and part of the Rydell Ranch took up the other half. It was about two acres that were elevated above the main part of the ranch, and the orchard, which spilled out beyond it. Nearly hidden by all of the trees, but for the road to get there, Shane stopped and got out. She followed suit.

  “What is this place?”

  “The only corner of the orchard they didn’t plant. I always liked it more than anywhere else. It’s kind of, you know, off and away from it all, but still a part of it. Like me. It also has one hell of a view. What do you think?”

  Her eyes were fastened on the gorgeous vista all the while he talked. “Yes, spectacular. Probably one of the best views on the ranch.”

  Shane cleared his throat and began staring down at their feet. He kicked idly at the dusty, loose ground. “I think I want to build a house here. Everyone’s doing that somewhere on the property now. Ian, Jack… maybe it’s my turn.”

  She swung her gaze around. “Really? You’d build a home right here?”

  “Only if it were with you.�
� He lifted his head and stared right into her eyes. She didn’t expect such a crisp, gentle statement.

  Allison froze as if caught in a sniper’s sights. Her mouth was slightly open and her eyes were wide. The tip of her tongue touched her lips, as she stammered, “Wh—what do you mean?”

  He stepped forward so his hands cupped her elbows. “I mean this… I want to marry you. Now. Not later. I’ve wanted to ask you for months. I just know how you think. You needed time. That’s the adult way of making sure this is all real and will work. But the way I see it, something beyond our control just hurried that along. We’re here. And I want to be here with you. I didn’t mean for it to happen this way, but now that it has… I know, I do, this isn’t your first choice. But I hope that being with me is your choice and something you ultimately want.”

  Her eyes were so wide, he could tell she was skeptical. “You can’t mean that.”

  “I’ve never meant anything more.”

  He took her hands in his. “I know none of this is what you were looking for, starting from the first time we slept together. But you felt it even then. I know you did simply because you kept seeing me. You changed everything for me. You were exactly what I’ve been seeking for my entire life. I’m not asking you to say that in return. I understand you had that with Patrick and I fully respect the life you made with him and had planned for your daughter. I know how much you grieve for all that. But you also can’t deny what we have here. If you will allow me to be excited to have you in my life and over what’s happening, I can help you not be so scared and unsure. I don’t need you to the feel the bright-eyed novelty of the whole concept that I feel. But, Allison, I do feel it. Enough for both of us. Just give us—please, give us this, a chance. Let us try. If you didn’t believe something could work between us, there’s no way you’d even be here. If you chose to not have our baby, I believe you would have done so within the last six weeks, when I didn’t know about it.”