Now and Forever Still

by A. M. Johnson

  “Yeah?”

  I turned my attention to her. Her hair was wavy and the summer sun had already made it a lighter shade of blonde. Her big brown eyes searched my face. “Don’t get mad, okay?”

  My jaw pulsed and anxiety filled my chest. “Okay.”

  “I met this guy. His name is—”

  “His name is nobody. You need to focus on school, not some guy.” My voice was gruff, but I didn’t give a shit. A guy? Hell no! “Come to think of it, your dress is too short.”

  She rolled her eyes and smiled. “It’s not.”

  “I can see your knees.” I swallowed as the corners of her mouth twitched.

  “Dad. I’m twenty-three.” She was incredulous. “He’s really nice. He reminds me of you.”

  Fuck. “No way.”

  “Dad. His name is Xander, and we’re staying at that cool hotel up on Twenty-Fifth Street. We wanted to take you to dinner tomorrow after work. You should meet him. He loves all that older music like you do.”

  My molars ached from the pressure of my jaw. “What the hell does that mean? ‘We’re staying?’ You’re not staying anywhere with a boy.” I tried to stand, but she placed her hand on my shoulder.

  “I’ve been dating him for eighteen months, Daddy.” She rolled her eyes. She rolled her fucking eyes like it was okay to be spending the night with some punk, who reminded her of me. Holy shit. My stomach burned and my dinner threatened to choke me.

  “What the hell kind of name is Xander, and who said you had permission—”

  “Dad.” She furrowed her brow. “I’m an adult. I’m not your little girl anymore, and I think… I think I love him.”

  My shoulders sagged. “Yeah?”

  She nodded and her smile pulled wide across her face. Her eyes beamed, and my heart stopped. She was in love.

  “I can meet you around five.” I surrendered. I let all my rage seep into the heat of the night. Molly was a good girl, and if she loved this guy, then he was probably the king of her world. I puffed out a sad breath.

  “Don’t look so worried. He’s a business major, so maybe you and Uncle Seth could—”

  “Don’t push your luck, young lady.”

  She grinned and laid her head on my shoulder. “I think he’s the one. I really do.”

  “I hope so, because I’ll kill him if he hurts you.” I’d had to watch her heart break when that one asshole broke up with her during her senior year just so he could get in her best friend’s pants. Since then, she sort of shut the door on boys, and I was fine with it, but hell, I guessed she’d opened the door again — but I still wasn’t ready.

  “I know.” She lifted her head and stood. “I think it’s about time to open your present. I’ll gather everyone up.”

  I rose from the step as Molly hollered for everyone to get ready. Annie and Lyric jumped up first and ran past me. Lyric gave me a smirk as he purposely bumped into me. “You’re gonna flip.”

  Annie giggled and they both ran inside the house.

  I had an electric buzz up my spine. I hated surprises, but I had a feeling Lily went all out. She moved toward me and her pink lips pursed.

  “You look nervous,” she said.

  “I am.”

  She laughed. “Stay here, and then count to fifty before you head inside.”

  “Fifty?”

  “Yes. No more, no less.” She looked damn sexy with the moonlight behind her lighting up her curves. “We’ll meet you inside.”

  Everyone that passed me smiled. Seth gave me some sarcastic remark about how I didn’t deserve such an awesome gift, and Sawyer chuckled. Soon I was alone, and the quiet night was my only companion. I counted to fifty and opened the back door. As I opened the door I was struck dumb by the scene before me. My son — my soon-to-be-dead son — was kissing Annie fucking Montgomery.

  “D-dad,” Lyric stuttered as he quickly dropped his hold on Annie.

  “Mr. Dixon… please… don’t tell my dad.” Annie’s voice was high pitched and shaky.

  I was caught between shock and pure disbelief. Had all my kids gone nuts?

  “He’s gonna be so pissed.” Annie dropped her gaze from mine. “My dad, he’s gonna kill you.”

  “Of all the girls…” I spoke slowly. “…of all the damn girls… you pick Annie? Annie Montgomery, Seth’s daughter.” I pulled at my hair as I stared into my son’s eyes.

  “It’s not like that, Dad. I care about her.” He stood tall and took her hand in his. “We’ve been seeing each other since last summer.” The pride in his voice was unmistakable.

  I brought my hand through my hair roughly. My palm scrubbed down my face as I tried to comprehend what universe I was in. Molly sleeping in a hotel with a guy, my son making out with Seth’s daughter. Holy shit.

  Annie pleaded as she dropped Lyric’s hand, “Don’t tell my dad, please let me.”

  “Don’t tell your dad what?” Seth’s cool tenor made my jaw clench, and my face fell into my hand.

  I took a deep breath, lifted my head, and met Seth’s hard stare.

  “We’re down there waiting for you guys. What’s the hold up? Don’t tell me what… Annie?”

  “I love your daughter.” Lyric grabbed Annie’s hand in his.

  “Excuse me?” Seth laughed without humor.

  My crazy ass son… smiled. He rolled his shoulders and pulled Annie, his girl, to his side. I’d never felt so proud and terrified at the same time.

  Seth took a step toward him, and I gripped his shoulder. “Touch my kid, and we're done.”

  Seth’s blue eyes were iced over as he glared at Lyric. His jaw was a tight line, his shoulders flexed, and his nostrils flared. “That’s my little girl, man.”

  “I’m eighteen.”

  “Don’t!” Seth and Lyric spoke at the same time, and Seth’s shoulders relaxed.

  “I promise, Mr. Montgomery, I know we’re young, but I love her. I always have.”

  Seth’s eyes rolled to the ceiling. “You’re just like your dad.” His stance was fully at ease now.

  “I know.” Lyric smiled, and my heart skipped. He was just like me. He chased what he wanted and wasn’t fucking afraid to do so. He wasn’t capable of half-truths, and he’d always been the kid to wear his heart on his sleeve, even as a little boy he’d fought for what he wanted.

  “Please don’t be mad, Dad.” Annie released Lyric’s hand and moved toward Seth. She looped her arms around his waist and rested her cheek on his chest. “I was going to tell you, but—”

  “You knew I’d lose my mind.” She raised her eyes to his, and he exhaled as he brought his forehead to hers. “Never lie to me again.” The stern candor of his words were not lost on her as he raised his gaze to meet my son’s stare. “You promise to treat her right and we’re good. You fuck it up, and your ass is mine.”

  “Hey.” I postured, but mainly for effect. Seth was doing his thing, but if I had to, I’d do mine.

  “What the hell’s going on? I said no longer than fifty!” Lily nearly squawked as she walked into the kitchen.

  “Sorry, baby. We were just heading down.” I figured I’d drop the bomb about both of our kids later. No need to spoil the night she’d worked so hard on. She probably already knew though; the kids told her everything. I scowled.

  “What’s that face for?” she asked, and her right eyebrow cocked in confusion.

  “Nothing.” I kissed her on the cheek. “Let’s do this.”

  LILY

  HIS FACE HAD BEEN priceless. I couldn’t have asked for a better reaction. I knew he’d love it, there was no doubt, but I never expected him to tear up. Especially in front of everyone. It was most likely the alcohol, but I’d take the tears and call them my own. Everyone had finally left after a few jam sessions; even the kids had a turn. It was a perfect end to a lovely night.

  The guests had gone, and the kids were in their rooms. Molly was staying with her boyfriend at the hotel downtown. I’d told her to tell her dad, and as she’d hugged him goodbye tonight
and he held her a bit tighter than normal, I’d figured he’d found out. I wasn’t looking forward to when he and Seth found out about Annie and Lyric; that would most definitely be a shit show. I giggled as I walked out onto the back porch. Todd was standing in the backyard, just a few feet from the deck staring up at the sky. His broad back was facing me and his arms hung loosely at his sides.

  “Penny for your thoughts.”

  Todd turned and gave me a handsome smile. He ran his hand through his hair. The ink on his arms was still just as vibrant. Having a tattoo artist as a best friend helped.

  “Annie and Lyric are dating.” His smile didn’t fall.

  “You know?”

  “I knew it.” He chuckled as I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’m always the last to know everything.”

  “You’re not angry?” I placed my lips on his before he could answer. He groaned and brought his hands to my hips. He walked us backward until I was pressed against the deck railing.

  I sighed as he broke our kiss. “I was at first, but, it’s Annie. She’s like one of our own, and Lyric, you should’ve seen him, he stood his ground, even with Seth. I was fucking proud.”

  My eyes widened. “Seth knows?”

  He nodded and brought his lips to my ear. “Yep.”

  His hot breath sent a chill down my back, and my head fell against the wood of the deck rail. Todd trailed kisses along my throat as I spoke in a whisper, “What did he say?”

  Todd captured my lips with his, and his hands drew a line down past my waist to my thighs. He bunched the fabric of my dress with his hands and lifted the hem.

  “Todd,” I gasped, and he smiled against my mouth.

  “I don’t want to talk about them right now, I need to thank my wife for her awesome present.” His deep voice sent a pool of want to my stomach.

  As his fingers curled around my panties, my breath hitched. “W-what about the kids?”

  “It never stopped us before.” He tugged at the light fabric of my underwear and heat filled my cheeks. We hadn’t been this bold in years. “Every second…” He kissed my throat as I fumbled with his belt and zipper. “Every breath.” He recited the words we’d said so many years ago and then again in our vows as he lifted me and aligned our bodies. Todd would always be able to turn me inside out, his hands, his mouth; he owned his passion and I felt it in each beat of my heart.

  “Every inch.” I murmured as he pushed inside me.

  “Now…” He pulsed his hips again, and I had to bite my lip to stop my moan. I was breathless as he spoke, “… and forever still.”

  PART FOUR

  A Happily Ever After

  Sawyer and Elizabeth

  “You must know… Surely, you must know, it was all for you.”

  Jane Austen

  SAWYER

  THE COLD CRAWLED UP my spine, and, for a moment, I thought I was drowning or worse… dead. I could hear her crying — Elizabeth — but I couldn’t get to her. I felt Sailor’s hand on mine, but I couldn’t grasp it. I heard mumbled voices, some unfamiliar and some I’d never forget.

  The imagined weight of Sailor’s hand skimmed along my arm until I could no longer feel it. The sound of Liz’s soft cries, her cheek on my stomach, I could almost feel her tears on my skin. I tried to speak to her — to lift my hand in the dark. I needed to touch her, to feel her, to see that I was still real. The weight of my body trapped me, and my voice was silent. I wanted to fucking scream. I wanted to hold my girl, to tell her I was here, to see my daughter, and to feel her hand on mine again. I struggled to move; I tried to yell, kick… fucking move my damn finger. Nothing. I wasn’t sure how I was breathing, but I knew I was still alive. She was my light, and I had to figure out a way back to her.

  The voices around me eventually died down and then it was silent for a while. The room was quiet except for Elizabeth’s even breaths.

  “Don’t fucking quit, brother.” Todd’s voice startled me, but my eyes wouldn’t open. His voice was more broken than I’d ever heard it. The sound of his footsteps were distinct as he walked away and, for a moment, I panicked, but then I felt her even breath on my stomach, and I knew I was safe.

  I wasn’t sure when the light came, but it finally happened. Liz’s blurry outline stood quickly, and she shouted about me being awake; the hard tube down my throat choked me and I tried to get it free. Fuck, I can’t breathe, I can’t — I couldn’t breathe. I felt strong hands at my wrist and voices calling for me to stop. I wanted to fight them, and I was about to until I heard her voice.

  “Please, let them help you.” Elizabeth’s voice cracked and I stopped. I let the room come into focus. I let the man in scrubs pull the sharp tube from my mouth. My lungs burned as I coughed, coughed harder than I ever had in my life. The pressure gone, my body was mine again. “Oh my gosh.” Elizabeth threw her body across mine. The man in the room told her to be careful, and I wanted to punch him. This was my wife, and I’d been trapped underwater, in the cage of myself, for what felt like an eternity.

  “I’m right here, Cricket… I’m right here.” My voice was weak and I could hardly bear the pain of it. But feeling her lips on mine, knowing that I was alive, that I could still be with my family, my wife, my daughter… my little bug… I’d never been more grateful… thankful, then I was right now.

  The laughter in the kitchen spilled into the family room as I slowly came to my senses. Elizabeth’s familiar laughter pulled me from my thoughts. The fireplace was warm, and the heat of it mixed with my fatigue, I must have dozed off. It had been a long time since I dreamt about my accident. The anxiety of this day must have triggered it, or maybe I was just getting old. All those early mornings in the cold workshop, my hands were tired, my back was worked, and my eyes… needed more time for sleep.

  I yawned and the rich smell of poultry spice and turnips mixed with scents of cinnamon and nutmeg filled my lungs. Sailor and Thomas should be here soon. We hadn’t seen our daughter in two years and, if I had my way this time, I’d talk that husband of hers into moving to the states. I hadn’t met my grandson for hell’s sake, and he was about to be one.

  Elizabeth’s voice was laced with a soft excitement as she spoke, and it grabbed my attention. I lifted my gaze to the doorway of the kitchen where she’d been cooking all day and caught her smiling. Her hair was pulled up into a loose bun, the heavy white apron she wore covered her dark blue dress, and her lips spread even deeper into her dimples as her eyes met mine. I mouthed the word “Sailor” and she nodded.

  “We’ll see you soon. Yes, fifteen minutes, can’t wait. Tell Thomas to be prepared. Your daddy has a speech ready.”

  I cleared my throat and narrowed my eyes. Speech. I grumbled. It was an opportunity.

  “All right, see you soon.” Lizzie placed her cell phone on the side table and gave me a smirk. “Don’t look at me like that.”

  “Like what?” My terse tone made her laugh.

  She plopped down on my lap and I groaned. “Like I destroyed your whole life.”

  “I just want her here. I want my grandson in a distance that doesn’t require a plane and a passport.” My lips twitched as I fit my hands around her waist and pulled her even closer.

  “It’s Christmas, Soy. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day to start in on Thomas.” She kissed me on the cheek and then leaned back; her blue eyes searched mine. “He might not want the business. He’s doing very well for himself in London as an art dealer; so much so, Sailor was able to quit her job at the University. She’s happy.”

  I caught a stray piece of Liz’s hair between my thumb and forefinger. I fiddled with it for a moment before I placed the gray strand behind her ear. Her hair hadn’t thinned with age; it was still long and wavy, but pure silver. She didn’t bother with hair dye, and it suited her just fine. She’d turned fifty-seven this year and was just as attractive, if not more so, than the day I saw her at that stop light. We’d been through so much, too fucking much, was it so ridiculous to ask that my only child and
grandson live close by?

  “She’d be happy here too. I mean all of his fam—”

  “Don’t start.” She shook her head and puffed out a laugh. “I swear you get more stubborn every year.” She attempted to stand, but I held her tighter and she giggled.

  I eased my grip on her waist and brought my hand to her cheek. “I just miss my family, Cricket… our girl… it’s time. She needs to come home.” I brought my lips to hers and the soft feel of her lips eased the weight on my shoulders.

  She pulled away and the weight — it returned. I just missed my “Little Bug.” I missed her so much.

  “Shh, Little Bug. Daddy’s here.” She had completely kicked her way out of the tight burrito blanket wrap Liz always insisted on, even though it never stayed. A smile pulled across my face; Sailor had already started trying to show her independence. She settled down once I had her in my arms. I held her tight against my chest as I sat down in the rocking chair. The easy feel of her tiny body next to mine was breathtaking. I imagined she could hear my heart as she laid her cheek against the skin of my bare chest. This small moment connecting us, making me feel whole, making my entire existence worthwhile. In her tiny hands, her eyes, in the quick little breaths that brought her life, this little girl claimed my soul. “Yeah, Bug, it’s you and me tonight.”

  “Sawyer.” Elizabeth’s lips split into a smile as she ran her hand through my hair before resting it on my cheek. “Where’d you just go?”

  I closed my eyes and exhaled; the memory had hit me like a brick. The pain in my throat was strangling me. “I almost lost you twice, you… we’ve had so much shit, Lizzie. I just want my baby girl home.”

  “I’m right here, Daddy.”

  For a second I thought I was hallucinating, but Sailor’s familiar voice calmed my damn mind and, as my eyes met hers, all the anxiety I had disappeared. She looked so good; her long dark hair hung loosely over her shoulder, and her eyes lit with a smile, just like they always did when they met mine. My little girl was getting too old, and that little boy in her arms… he was me. Well, a much smaller version, but me nonetheless.