Angry Annie

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  “I didn’t know your car was the Taj Mahal compared to your apartment. I’m gonna stand right here.”

  I roll my eyes and go in search of an Annie pleasing outfit. “So I assume if I wear something low cut you’re going to hate it,” I yell from the bedroom.

  “You plannin’ on hitting on one of your family members?”

  “No.”

  “Then why you gotta show titties?”

  “How about this one?” I ask, holding up a black dress.

  “Did somebody die?”

  “Black isn’t just for funerals anymore.”

  “It’s also not for birthday parties.”

  “Ugh.”

  Annie starts humming the “Cops” theme song and it makes me giggle.

  “How about this one?” I ask. “It’s blue.”

  “The color is okay.”

  “So it looks nice then?”

  “How am I supposed to tell on a hanger? Put it on.”

  Returning to the bathroom, I’m happy to find it still fits me after all the food I’ve eaten this week. I step around the corner and Annie nods. “Yep. Now let’s go.”

  “Yep? Not a ‘Wow, you look nice?’”

  Annie’s already halfway to the car.

  “I’ll take that as a no.” Why has my life suddenly become so complicated? Maybe bringing Annie was a bad idea. I hope I can get through this dinner without killing someone.

  “MOM, THIS IS ANNIE McClintonuck.”

  “When your father said you were bringing a friend, I assumed it was a man.”

  “I’ve got bigger balls than most men I know,” Annie says as she clicks her teeth. She gazes around my mother’s head toward the rear of the house. “You got a nice house. Looks clean. I can see Joslyn didn’t take after you.”

  I roll my eyes. Annie’s already selling me out and it’s been less than a minute.

  My mother smiles. “Oh, she’s definitely nothing like me. Jane Walters.” She holds out her hand to Annie and Annie shakes it.

  “I didn’t mean that like it was a good thing.”

  My mother’s smile drops.

  There’s a moment of awkward silence and my mother breaks it. “Well, at least you dressed presentably for once.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment,” I say. “Annie made me change or else I would have shown up in jeans.”

  “She has no style,” my mother says to Annie.

  “Oh, she got style, it’s in her personality,” Annie responds. Hmm, maybe I was wrong. She does have my back.

  Laughter sounds from the back room and I recognize Jorgie’s voice. I haven’t spoken to her in a few days and I really want to talk to her about Rhode. I need to know all the things.

  My dad comes around the corner and smiles brightly when he sees me. He pulls me into a hug. “Happy early birthday, sweet girl.”

  I relax into his hug. I didn’t realize how much I needed one until just then. My dad always makes me feel better.

  “You look beautiful!”

  “Thank you.”

  “Dad, this is Annie. Annie, this is my father, John Walters.”

  “John and Jane?” Annie asks. “Good thing your last name wasn’t Doe.”

  My dad smiles. “That’s very true, Annie. Nice to meet you.”

  My mother rolls her eyes.

  “Is that my snuggle bug princess I hear?”

  I lean toward Annie and whisper, “Prepare yourself to meet your match.”

  Annie’s eyes widen as my grandfather hops around the corner like the spring chicken he thinks he is.

  He rushes over to me as much as he can with his limp and grabs me tightly, spinning me around. “Joss, joss bo boss, banana fanna foe floss, fee fi mo moss-Joss!”

  “Hi, Grandpa.”

  His eyes meet Annie’s. “Well, hello there. What do we have here? Did you bring me a snack?”

  I press my lips together to avoid laughing as Annie takes a step back and clutches her purse to her chest.

  “Wilbur Walters, this is Annie McClintonuck.”

  He holds out his hand to Annie. She sizes him up and down before cautiously reaching out to shake it. He quickly bends and presses his lips to her knuckles.

  She pulls her hand back. “Get your dirty old lips off my skin. I ain’t given you permission to taste me. I ain’t no man’s snack.”

  Wilbur grins from ear to ear. “You’re absolutely right, darlin’. You’re a five-course meal.”

  “Dad!” my mother shouts. “Really. Give the woman some space.”

  “She can have all the space in and around me,” he replies, ogling Annie up and down.

  “Come on in!” my father says awkwardly.

  “Who are these people?” Annie grumbles.

  “Jorgie, your sister is here. It’s rude not to greet guests at the door.”

  “Sorry! I’m coming! Hey, sissy! Happy almost birthday!” She hugs me and whispers in my ear, “Thank God you’re here. Mom is a nutjob on steroids tonight. Oh, and we need to talk.”

  I gaze into her eyes, trying to read her thoughts. I know she probably wants to tell me about Rhode and I’m dying to know how and why they hooked up.

  As I open my mouth to agree with her, my mother says, “Oh, and you know Rhode Bennett.”

  “What?” I say, darting my head around Jorgie’s to look behind her.

  Sure as shit, Rhode is standing behind her holding a glass of soda.

  “He, he, he. Shit just got real.” Annie laughs.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I invited Rhode tonight,” Jorgie says with a smile.

  I grit my teeth and attempt not to scowl. “Why would I mind?”

  Rhode takes a deep breath and stares at me for a moment before his eyes move to Annie. “Annie! I didn’t know I’d see you here. Did you get my message?”

  “What message?” she asks.

  I turn to face her and give her my biggest, nastiest face as I whisper, “I swear if you knew he was coming and didn’t tell me . . .”

  Annie clenches her jaw. “I ain’t know nothin’,” she mumbles back.

  “I left a note on your door about an hour ago that I wasn’t going to be able to make dinner. I got your machine at home.”

  She sneers at me. “I wasn’t home. I was busy making sure Joss didn’t lose a man in her apartment.”

  “What?” he asks.

  I can’t tell if he didn’t hear her or he’s jealous.

  “Are we all going to stand in the doorway or can we please move into the dining room?” my mother announces, clearly aggravated.

  Jorgie links her arm with mine as everyone begins to walk through the house. “I hope you don’t mind I invited Rhode. I had to beg him to come tonight. He said he didn’t think you’d want to see him. Why is that?”

  “Are you happy?” I ask, turning to face her.

  “Umm, yeah, I guess. Why?”

  “Because as long as you’re happy, nothing else matters, okay? You will always be my number one.”

  “I know that! You know I want you to be happy too, right?”

  “I know you do. You just do whatever you have to do, okay? Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

  “I ain’t walkin’ in there by myself,” Annie says from behind me. “That man looks like he’s going to eat me.”

  Following her line of sight, I see my grandfather curling his finger toward Annie, asking her to come. I chuckle. “He’s harmless.”

  “Harmless like when there’s a pin in your shirt. You don’t even know it’s there and then bam! You get stuck. He looks like he wants to stick me.”

  “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Joss’s sister, Jorgie.”

  “Yeah, I heard all about you and your stealin’ ways.”

  Jorgie’s face drops into a worried frown. “Me?”

  Nudging Annie with my elbow, I say, “She’s a kidder. You’ll get used to it.”

  “Oh, okay . . . Well, I’m glad I finally got to meet you. Thank you so much for the review you lef
t on my website!”

  Oh, shit.

  “I left a review for you? What you talkin’ ’bout?”

  “Mom’s going to get pissed if we don’t get inside,” I say, trying to break the conversation. I step behind Annie and shake my head to Jorgie, forming “No!” with my lips. She doesn’t notice.

  “My bakery. I opened on Monday. Joss said it’s down the street from your house.”

  Annie shoots questioning daggers in my direction. “Oh, yeah?” she asks. “Did your sister know I left you a review?”

  I close my eyes and sigh. Jorgie finally realizes she’s about to blow my cover. “Um, I don’t . . . I mean . . . I don’t think.”

  “Uh-huh. All right then, where’s this cake? It better be worth my coming to this circus.”

  She marches past us and into the kitchen, where everyone has gathered.

  “Crap! Should I not have said anything?” Jorgie asks, grabbing my arm.

  “It’s fine. Just enjoy yourself tonight.”

  “Me? This is your night!”

  I smile politely. Oh. yeah. It’s everything I dreamed and more.

  MY MOTHER’S SEATING ARRANGEMENT leaves a lot to be desired. At least I’m sitting next to my father. He and my mother are at the heads of the table. Annie is next to me and Wilbur insisted on sitting next to her. Rhode is directly across from me and Jorgie is next to him, closest to my mother.

  “So, Joss, how did you and Annie meet?” my mother asks as she slices into the beef she ordered from across town. She acts like cooking is beneath her, but the truth is, she sucks at it.

  “Annie has a large Internet presence and my magazine is interested in doing an article on how people go about leaving reviews for products and services.”

  “I really enjoyed the review you left on Hazel James’ new romance novel Saved yesterday. It made me laugh,” Jorgie says.

  “I’m sorry, what?” I question, dropping my silverware on the table and turning to face Annie.

  “This some good beef. Where’s it from?” Annie asks my mother.

  “I have some good beef too,” Wilbur says, raising his eyebrows at Annie.

  My mother is speechless. That’s a first.

  Annie holds up her knife. “You wanna pull it out? I’ll slice it up right here and now, you dirty old fart!”

  Wilbur chuckles. “You’re my kind of woman, Annie. Are you seeing anyone?”

  “What review?” I ask, tapping Annie on the shoulder. “Have you been leaving reviews and not telling me?” I guess I should have been checking up on her. Dammit.

  “I dunno.” She shrugs. “These beans are nice and crisp too,” she says, focusing on her plate.

  “I follow you on Amazon,” Jorgie continues. “The review you left earlier today on salad tongs had me in stitches.”

  Annie shovels more beef into her mouth as I stare at her. I feel like I’m Mt. Vesuvius and about to blow.

  “So, Rhode, how did you and Jorgie meet?” my father asks.

  “You know this, John. Honestly, do you not listen to a word I say?” my mother says, shaking her head. “I told you they met when Joss brought him to the bakery.”

  “I’m Annie’s neighbor.”

  My dad nods and continues to cut his veggies.

  “Yeah, Joss found him and Jorgie stole him,” Annie replies.

  “Stole him? What?” Jorgie asks, eyes wide.

  “No one stole anyone, Annie,” I say, shaking my head at my sister and swirling my finger in a circle next to my head to show Annie’s nuts.

  Gazing up briefly at Rhode, I see his eyes boring into me. Why is he looking at me that way? My sister is right there.

  His leg touches mine under the table and I gulp. He rubs my leg with his and smirks at me from across the table. My dad’s leg mixes into ours. “Oops, sorry. Whose leg did I just hit?” he questions.

  “That was mine, Mr. Walters. Sorry about that.”

  “You’re tall. It happens. So how long have you been dating my daughter?” he asks.

  I close my eyes and take a deep, painful breath.

  “Which one?” Annie asks with a chuckle.

  “I’m sorry, what?” my mother asks.

  “Are you free tomorrow?” Wilbur asks Annie. “How about we go see a movie? Maybe make out a little?”

  “Dad!” my mother shouts.

  “I don’t like you, you pervert. I ain’t going nowhere with your ugly, old ass.”

  “Annie!” I say, shaking my head. I jump up from the table. “Excuse me, I need some ibuprofen. I have a headache.”

  “Let me help you,” Rhode says, following me into the kitchen.

  I open my purse and shift everything around with my fingers. Even my purse is a disorganized mess.

  “Are you ever going to talk to me?” he asks.

  I continue to shuffle around in my purse. “I know I put a bottle in here.”

  He places his hand over mine. I pause and gaze up at him. “Why are you in here talking to me right now? My sister is in there. You’re her guest, not mine.”

  “I know she invited me, but I was hoping we could clear the air.”

  “The air is crystal clear, Rhode. Okay? Just forget about the whole thing. I’m sure I’m going to be seeing a lot more of you now and we should get along.”

  He leans his back on the counter as I start unloading the items from my purse.

  “You think you’ll be seeing more of me? Why is that?” he asks.

  I find the bottle and try to pop the top, ignoring him. It seems glued on. I struggle with it and Rhode takes it from my hands, opens it with ease, and hands it back to me.

  “So that guy, Adam. How long have you two been seeing each other?”

  I stop and turn to face him. “Why do you care?”

  “Really? Do you not want me to care about you?”

  Counting out three pills, I toss them into my mouth and swallow. Then I begin restuffing my purse. “I want you to be good to my sister. You shouldn’t think about me at all.”

  He smirks at me and licks his lips before gazing at the floor.

  “You’re an asshole, you know that?”

  “Am I? Why is that?”

  “Because you’re seeing my sister and are in here with me. Pick a Walters girl and stick with her!”

  “Joss, I’m not interested in your sister. I’ve never been.”

  My eyes widen. “If you hurt her, I’ll chop off your dick and bury it in your garden!”

  “Joss, everything okay in there?” my mother yells.

  “Coming!”

  Rhode steps in front of me blocking my path. My teeth clench.

  “You really are gorgeous, especially when you’re wrong.”

  My face tightens. “You’re really a fucker, especially when you act like yourself.”

  I push past him and make my way back to the table.

  Jorgie makes eye contact with me and then glances at Rhode as he enters the room. I hope she doesn’t think something is going on with us. I feel like I need to tell her everything. I may keep secrets from everyone else, but never Jorgie. If Rhode doesn’t have good intentions with her then she needs to know.

  Rhode runs his fingers through his hair as he enters. He seems frustrated. Good. I’m going to blow his game sky high. He won’t have either one of us.

  “So, Annie, how long have you and Rhode been neighbors?” Jorgie asks.

  “He moved in around five years ago. Hasn’t left me alone since.”

  “I wouldn’t leave you alone if I lived next to you either,” Wilbur says with a wink. He’s always been straightforward and a call-it-like-he-sees-it kind of guy, but I’ve never seen him so flirtatious.

  “What’s your deal?” Annie asks.

  “Dad’s a widower,” my mom announces. “He’s just messing with you, Annie. Ignore him.”

  “No, don’t ignore me. But I’d like to mess with you if you’ll let me.”

  Annie turns to me and her eyes beg for rescue. I can’t help but start t
o laugh. Pretty soon everyone at the table is laughing but Annie. She says something under her breath and continues to eat her dinner quietly. It must be hard to swallow your own medicine.

  After we bring the dishes into the kitchen, Jorgie pulls me by the arm. “Can we talk for a second?”

  “Yes,” I say, relieved. We walk down the hall, to my parents’ bedroom.

  “Sure! Leave me to do the dishes!” my mother shouts.

  “She acts like putting plates in the dishwasher means doing the dishes,” Jorgie says.

  “I’m glad you wanted to talk to me. I need to warn you about Rhode,” I begin.

  “Oh?” she asks, concerned.

  “He’s not what he appears to be. I think he’s a player.”

  “Really? I didn’t get that impression at all.”

  I flop down on the bed and she sits next to me.

  “I hope you didn’t mind that I asked him to come tonight.”

  I shake my head and glance up at the ceiling. How do I say this to her without hurting her?

  “He seems like a really good guy, Joss. He came to see me at the bakery the other day, you know?”

  “Yeah. I saw you two.”

  “You did? I didn’t see you.”

  “I didn’t want to interrupt. It seemed like you two were having a moment.”

  She smiles. “We were. No one has ever made that much effort. I think you know what that means.” She seems almost giddy as she squirms and shakes her legs.

  My chest hurts again and I can’t look at her.

  “What? What’s wrong?” she asks, touching my arm. “Do you not like him?”

  “I do. I mean, yeah, I did. But Jorgie . . . he told me tonight he’s not interested in you.”

  Her head flinches back and she scratches her cheek. “I never thought he was.”

  “I don’t want him to hurt you! I’m so sorry.”

  She clutches at my arm and snorts. “Wait. Do you think I like him?”

  “Don’t you?”

  “Well, yeah, but only because I’ve never had a guy come to me for advice about my sister before. I think it’s endearing.”

  My mouth drops. “He did what?”

  “Oh my gosh, Joss. Did you think I brought him here because I’m interested in him?” Her voice cracks as she presses her hand against her heart. “He came to the bakery that morning because he wanted advice on how to ask you out.”