Frowning, Amy turned away.
“Please believe me, Amy,” Irene continued. “I tried. I tried really hard.” She grabbed Amy’s hand and held it tightly. “For a while, I convinced myself that I did. But when I met Bruce, it was right; our being together was right. I couldn’t have continued to stay and lie. I was thirty years old. Only thirty years old,” Irene said, her eyes wide. “Just a year older than you are now, with a fourteen-year-old child. I was too young to sacrifice my happiness, and I hoped against hope that, because you were a teenager, you would have had some acceptance.”
Irene looked up to the sky. “But your dad was a stubborn man and he put ideas in your head.” She looked at Amy and added fiercely, “The wrong ideas that turned you against me. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t convince you otherwise.” Her eyes pleaded. “Jellybean, please understand that even if Bruce hadn’t come along, I couldn’t have kept up the pretense. Although I tried to convince myself, I knew that the only reason I had stayed so long was for you.”
Tears formed in Amy’s eyes. Irene choked back her own. Removing a hankie from her pocket, she wiped away the tears that were falling from her daughter’s eyes and asked softly, “Are you in love with her?”
Amy lowered her head and whispered, “No.”
“It’s not a crime to fall in love, Amy,” Irene said tenderly. She squeezed her hand. “Baby, you must go with your heart. People who have lived their lives will understand why. The point for you is that everything has changed. You can’t keep what you have with Josh. If you do, you are being less than honest with him, your children, and yourself. At least give him the chance to meet someone who truly loves him.”
Amy’s eyes widened. She looked at Irene in surprise, then shock. She said stubbornly, “But I do truly love him and he loves me. I can’t leave him. Do you have any idea the devastation you caused?” Her eyes narrowed. “You ruined our lives,” she said, anger edging her tone. “You left me and dad. Your family. Everything. For what?”
Amy stopped when she saw Irene become upset. “Look Irene,” she said, her tone softening. “I know that you’re happy, and believe me, I’m happy for you. But you have to understand, I watched dad change. You were the only one for him and you turned your back on him. He never recovered after you left, you know.”
Irene knew that she shouldn’t be shocked at Amy’s outburst. It was no surprise to her that Amy still carried a lot of anger. Even now, regret still burned inside about the divorce and how it devastated Amy.
Even though Mark was dead, Irene still found it difficult to forgive him for poisoning Amy’s mind against her. She shook her head. “But think about it. Your dad was in his early thirties when we divorced. He was a young, good-looking guy, with a good business head. He was an engineer with a successful business. He could easily have found love. But he chose not to. He was angry, Amy. Angry that I had the audacity to leave him for someone else—”
“You brought shame to his door.”
Irene drew back in surprise. The harshness of those words, she realized, as she shivered slightly, was straight from her own father’s lips. She steeled herself and continued, “I fell in love, Amy, and there is no shame in that. The only thing that I regret is that I lost you,” She moved closer. “Amy, listen to me, Mark’s heart wasn’t in our relationship. He knew that there had never been real passion between us. We were friends and he knew it.”
“But that was enough for him,” Amy replied angrily.
“I know.” Irene sighed. She wondered how she could reach Amy. “But you’re a grown woman now. And,” she hesitated, “you now know the difference.”
Amy looked at her sharply.
“Settling wasn’t for me, and it shouldn’t be for you.”
Confusion crossed Amy’s face. “I like my life.” She bowed her head. “I liked what I had with Josh.” She lifted her head to look at Irene. “And we had more than a friendship! There was nothing wrong with our relationship.”
Irene was sure that Amy was unaware that she had switched tenses. “If you’re so happy in your relationship, then why are you having an affair?”
Amy flinched and looked away. “I know what we’re doing isn’t right.” She gave Irene a sideways look and added wryly, “What an understatement.” She looked at her feet. “But I can’t stop it.” She lifted her chin. “Because…because…” she shook her head, then whispered, defeated, “God, I don’t even know why anymore.” Amy laughed. “How ironic, don’t you think, that the old adage is true? Like mother, like daughter. Here I am about to discuss my adulterous affair with my adulterous mother!”
Irene had come too far to allow Amy to push her away. “Does Maggie know?”
Amy sighed. “No. she doesn’t.”
“So, I take it that you haven’t spoken to anyone about this?”
“No.” Amy frowned. “No one.”
Irene moved closer. “Amy, you desperately need to talk,” she said. “You are so like your father—always bottling things up.” She smiled. “When you were a wee girl, you used to go and hide yourself away. I used to have to hunt the house high and low to find you, and then I would have to bribe you out of your cubbyhole with sweets.” Irene chuckled. “Jellybeans would always entice you out of anywhere.”
Amy smiled. “They still do.”
Irene laughed. She looked at her daughter. You were my pride and joy. You still are. “Amy, I’m here to help you. Talk to me.”
Amy’s next question made Irene reel.
“Why did you let me go?”
Irene gasped. Amy had never looked so defeated. Suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, and knowing that it had taken a lot of courage to ask, Irene closed her eyes for a moment. “I never wanted to leave you,” she replied. “I love you. You are my wee girl, and I’ll always love you. When I was pregnant with you, I was so scared,” she confided. “I didn’t have a clue what was happening to me, and my dad was so ashamed of me when he found out. Well, you know why. A Presbyterian minister and an underage pregnant daughter are not a match made in heaven.” Irene laughed then shook her head. “Teenage pregnancies were something that he preached about from the pulpit.”
Irene sighed and thought back to that time. Her father was never the same with her and the loss of his love still hurt. “I married your dad to please him. I got married to please everyone,” she admitted. “And because I was scared.” She tightened her grip on Amy’s hand. “The day I turned sixteen, my dad married us.” She looked at Amy and said, in way of explanation, “I honestly didn’t have a clue what was happening. It was only the moment that I held you,” she reached out and smoothed Amy’s hair from her face, “that I knew everything would be okay.”
Irene looked at her daughter pensively and thought back to when Amy found out about Bruce. Amy built a barrier that kept her out, and even though they had been extremely close, she was never able to breech that barrier, no matter how hard she tried.
“When Bruce came along, I tried so hard to make you see that it hadn’t anything to do with you.” Irene’s face filled with sadness. “But Mark was terrified that I would try to take you away, so he went to great lengths to ensure that you were going nowhere.”
Amy looked at her mother, and with a heavy heart, accepted that what she said was true. Even after her affair had become public knowledge and Bruce had returned to the States when his contract ended, Irene stayed, even though he insisted she go with him. She stayed even when Amy’s grandparents rejected her, stayed when her friends rejected her. She remembered her trying desperately hard. Amy realized that Irene stayed until she rejected her.
Irene was right, Amy realized. Her father was terrified that she intended to take her away. Amy remembered the many times that he would quietly talk about Irene’s betrayal and how, when Amy married, she would never be capable of doing such a thing.
Irene pulled Amy into her arms and hugged her. “I’m here for you, jellybean. And you never know, maybe your adulterous mother can be good for at le
ast one thing,” she said, kissing Amy’s head, “listening to you.”
She’s right. I desperately need to talk.
Moving out of her mother’s arms, Amy drew a breath. After a moment, she looked at Irene, and eyes wide, explained that apart from a few teenage crushes she had never even thought about being with a woman.
“You’re not attracted to women normally?”
“No.” Amy looked at her mother. “But, I must have been. You can’t just suddenly switch, can you?”
Irene shook her head. “I don’t know, but I don’t think attraction is necessarily always based on what gender you are. Sometimes, it simply comes down to what the other person makes you feel. She looked at Amy. “I guess the real question is, what does Celeste make you feel?”
“I don’t know,” Amy answered. “At first I thought it might have something to do with Josh.” She looked at Irene. “You know, something to do with the strong resemblance. But now,” she bit her bottom lip, “I know it has nothing to do with him. It’s her. I’m attracted to her.” Amy looked at her hands. “Something happened before the wedding.”
“What?”
Amy hung her head. “I didn’t want it to happen, you know.”
“What?”
“I can’t explain it.” Amy rubbed her forehead. “Not so that you would understand. God, even I still don’t understand it.”
Amy stared into space.
“Amy?”
“I just couldn’t stop myself.” Amy closed her eyes. “I couldn’t resist her.” She looked at her mother. “Somehow when we began this, I thought it would fade.” Her hands clenched. “I desperately wanted it to fade.”
“I’m not sure if that was a good game plan.”
“No, it wasn’t” Amy half-smiled. “I thought because she hadn’t been around for four years, I would be able to put it behind me and get on with my life.” Determination crossed her eyes. “And that’s exactly what I intend to do. I’ll get back on track.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it has to end. After this, I’ll put it behind me, like I did before.”
“Celeste is in love with you, Amy.”
Amy looked at her mother. “She said that?”
“Yes” Irene said, then smiled. “Very much so.”
“She actually said she loved me?”
“Amy, why else do you think you’d put yourselves through this?”
Surprised and not knowing what to think, Amy tried to absorb her mother’s words.
“I’m beginning to think that you don’t know how you truly feel.” Irene said tentatively. “Celeste loves you, Amy. After seeing you together and with what you’ve said just now, I’m in no doubt that you feel the same way.” Irene closed her eyes and sighed. “But, you can’t be with the both of them. If you stay with Josh, then your life might not be empty, but you will be denying yourself the most important thing in life.”
Amy looked at her mother. “What?”
“Being with someone you love, jellybean.”
Amy shook her head. “But I don’t intend to be with them both. I intend to be with Josh.”
“Maybe I’m to blame for you seeking security and comfort from a man so similar to your father.” Irene looked away and brushed a tear from her eye.
Blindsided, Amy raised her eyebrows in surprise. She didn’t think that Josh was anything like her dad. “What do you mean?”
“Josh is dependable,” Irene revealed. “Amy, he’s the type of man that you can always rely on. He’s solid. He makes you feel safe, just like your father.”
Shock crossed Amy’s face.
“In my experience, life has a strange way of showing you what is real,” her mother continued. “When you make a decision to settle for second place, it bites you on the bum and reminds you that it isn’t going to be that easy.” She looked at Amy for a moment. “I can’t say anything, other than I know that Josh will survive, the children will survive.”
Amy looked at her mother and words of reinforcement spilled from her lips about how much she loved Josh and the children.
Irene sighed. “You are so like your father,” she said. “You’ve got that steely determination in your eyes. Amy, I’m pleading with you to realize that you can’t stay in a marriage when it’s clear you’re in love with someone else.” She added slowly, “You can’t stay because you have some sense that you are righting a wrong. It was me who left your father. Not you!”
Amy shook her head. “I’m staying because I love Josh. I’m staying because it’s the right thing to do. I could never leave Josh for Celeste, never.”
Irene was frustrated. Amy wasn’t prepared to accept that she had put herself at terrible risk to be with Celeste. She pushed. “Do you love her?”
Amy didn’t respond.
Determined, Irene repeated, “Do you love her?”
Amy looked at her and said as if the suggestion was absurd. “No! All that’s between Celeste and I is…” He words dried up. She looked at Irene. “I…There’s…”
Irene watched Amy struggle to form the words.
Amy stopped and took a deep breath. “There’s…” She dried up again.
“I…”
Irene wanted to tell her about love. That instead of fencing you in it sets you free. She wanted to tell her that it was like giving birth to a life, but instead of you feeding it, it feeds you. But, instead, she said, “Let your heart speak, Amy.”
Amy’s shoulders slumped. “I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t seem to function very well unless she’s around me.” She straightened and looked away. “It doesn’t matter, I’ve no intention of breaking up my family.”
“But Amy, if you accept that you love her,” Irene said, frustration creeping into her voice, “then you can’t stay with Josh just because of the boys.”
“I don’t accept anything!” Amy replied angrily. “And of course I can stay in anything as long as my family stays together! Look,” she said, moving her hands and feet, “I’m not in a ball and chain. I’m happy!”
“Amy,” Irene said. “People who are happy do not have affairs.”
Apparently, unable to argue with the simple truth, Amy looked at her mother intently. “I’ll get over Celeste and things will be all right, eventually. They’ll sort themselves out.”
Irene was reminded of the fourteen-year-old, frightened child she left behind. It was clear that Amy was frightened now.
Irene moved closer and taking her child in her arms, whispered, “I’m here for you.” She hugged her tightly. “I’ll always be here for you.”
Chapter 37
It was Friday night, and Amy was excited. This morning she had helped Maggie pack the Jeep for their camping trip. Maggie’s parting words were that she was glad that Amy wasn’t coming as this trip would give her a chance to check out what kind of father material Sean was. She laughed and then added that if her boyfriend could handle Amy’s two for a weekend, then he could handle anything. She had hugged Amy and told her not to work too hard.
Amy felt guilty as she waved goodbye. Maggie thought her entire weekend would be taken up by work. But her guilt didn’t last; she was too excited about spending time with Celeste. Throughout the last four months they had only managed to snatch a few hours with each other here and there. This would be their first weekend since New York.
Josh had called from Seattle during a break from a round of afternoon meetings. He was keyed up. The company he was working for had decided to pull out of software development and had offered him and a few of his colleagues the opportunity of a management buyout. This round of meetings was designed to whip up investor interest. This was his big break.
The doorbell rang. Straightening her top, Amy looked in the mirror to check that she looked okay. Feeling the familiar tightness in her stomach, she ran downstairs. Not wanting to appear too keen she stopped at the bottom step, gathered herself, then made her way slowly to the front door. When she opened
it, Celeste was standing there wearing dark jeans and a low-cut, cerise, sleeveless top.
Eyes wide, Amy followed Celeste’s long legs up over her waist only to halt at her protruding nipples, which, braless, stood out. Amy’s stomach knotted when she registered that Celeste’s hair was down. Celeste had a tendency to wear her hair up. A few months ago Amy told her that she liked it down and, ever since, Celeste had worn her hair down when she was with her.
“Hi,” Amy said. Giving Celeste an impatient smile, she hurried her into the house.
Celeste barely had time to close the door behind her and put down her weekend bag, along with some grocery bags, before Amy pushed her up against the wall.
Amy hadn’t seen Celeste the entire week. Desperately wanting to taste that teasing mouth, she kissed her hard. Celeste responded with the same ardor and kissed her deeply.
Loosening Amy’s hair, Celeste let it spill over her fingers before running her hands over Amy’s black cashmere top, searching out the swell of her breasts.
Amy groaned when Celeste touched her, and too impatient for niceties, said huskily, “I want you.” Pressing Celeste into the wall, she whispered, “God, how I want you.”
“Not here,” Celeste murmured, between kisses.
Amy looked at her and, nodding, took Celeste’s hand and led her to the guest bedroom.
Once there, Celeste kissed Amy everywhere. Undressing her, she registered that Amy’s movements were slowing and began to work faster at removing her clothes. Celeste had, over the last few months, seen Amy like this a few times. She had discovered, to her great pleasure that Amy only became languorous when she needed to come quickly.
Lying on the bed with her eyes half-closed, Amy murmured, “Hurry.”
Heart pounding at the sight of Amy’s naked body, Celeste hastily undressed. Groaning, she threw a thigh over Amy’s hip and lowering herself positioned her clit over Amy’s.
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