Denial

by Jackie Kennedy

  “No problem, Celeste,” Christine replied. She looked through the window. “He’s in pretty bad shape. I hope everything’s okay.”

  Celeste nodded and opened the door.

  Josh stood and rushed to her. He grabbed her in a bone-crushing hug.

  “Josh, what is it?” Celeste asked, hugging him back.

  “She’s gone,” he replied, his voice catching.

  “Amy?”

  Josh nodded and let her go.

  “Where?”

  He ran a hand through his tousled hair. “She’s gone.”

  “Where?” Celeste repeated. Frowning, she cleared her throat to loosen the tremor that was building there. “Where has she gone?”

  “She’s gone,” Josh said, throwing out his arms. “She’s taken her passport.” He staggered to a chair. “She’s gone.” He slumped into it and looked at her disbelievingly. “There was only a note, telling me it was over.”

  Celeste’s heart started to pound. “Josh,” she said, approaching him. “Maybe, she’s just taken some time out.”

  “Fuck, Celeste!” Josh yelled, wringing his hands. “You’ve seen her over the last few months. You know what she’s been like. He smacked his fist into his hand. “I can’t reach her. She won’t talk to me. She can barely look at me.” Defeated, he placed his head in his hands. “It’s as if she can’t bear to be near me.”

  Celeste watched her brother. She felt waves of panic come from him. “She’s in shock, Josh,” she said, sitting beside him.

  Since the accident, Amy had refused any contact with Celeste, couldn’t bear to be near her. Even the rare times that they had been in the same place she would leave the moment Celeste entered. Swallowing the pain, Celeste placed a reassuring hand on her brother’s arm. “It just takes time,” she said, pulling him into her arms for a hug.

  Josh jerked out of her arms and stood. He moved close to the large window. Rubbing his heavy stubble, he stared out across the car park for a while. “I brought a counsellor to her a few weeks ago.” He thudded his head lightly against the glass. “I didn’t tell her. I just had him visit the house.” He closed his bleary eyes. “She insisted that he leave.” He lifted his head. “She went crazy.” He turned and looked at Celeste, his eyes swam with tears. “I mean, really crazy.” He shook his head. “She smashed the entire kitchen up.”

  Josh clenched his fists then ran them over his face and through his hair. He blew out a heavy sigh. “In all the time that I’ve known her, she’s hardly raised her voice.” His eyes grew wide and tears formed. “You know,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anger like that in my life.”

  Josh closed his eyes and fat tears fell.

  Panic coursed through Celeste. Since the accident, Amy barely communicated with anyone. “Josh,” she said, careful to ensure that her tone was even. “We can’t lose sight of the fact that Amy might just have taken some time out. I’m sure,” she said, trying to hide her uncertainty, “we’ll hear from her soon enough.”

  Josh shook his head. “I got a call from George this morning.” He looked at Celeste. “You know, Amy’s boss.”

  Celeste nodded.

  “He was upset. He told me that Amy had contacted him.” Josh sighed heavily. “She told him that she didn’t want the job.” An incredulous look crossed his face. “She loves that job. I mean really loves it.”

  “Did she give him an explanation?” Celeste said. Hands trembling, she pushed them into her whites, fully aware that Amy had only just returned to work.

  Josh nodded. “She told him that it wasn’t what she wanted to do anymore.” He looked at Celeste helplessly. “But that’s all she’s ever wanted to do.”

  Celeste looked at him in surprise. A memory of the morning of the accident flooded in. She recalled Amy slumped in her arms when she was told of the deaths. Celeste had gathered her up and held her tightly.

  Over the years, Celeste had seen many deaths and always without doubt the most difficult were the loss of children. That morning, she, more than anyone, understood the agonies that Amy was about to endure.

  As the weeks and months passed, Celeste had tried to talk to Amy but she refused, eventually refusing to even look at her. Although she never spoke the words, Celeste knew Amy was crippled with guilt, somehow believing that the deaths were recompense for their affair.

  Standing Celeste said, “We’ll find her.”

  “It’s not that easy,” Josh replied, shaking his head.

  “C’mon, Josh,” Celeste said, trying to rally him. “You’re the IT guy. Surely tracking someone down in the twenty-first century has to be fairly easy,” she said, frowning.

  “No, you don’t understand.” He shook his head. “When I did my thesis, I worked for a few months with Interpol.” He paused when Celeste looked confused. “It was when I lived in Scotland.” Josh paused again and stared out the window.

  Celeste encouraged. “And?”

  Josh looked at her for a long moment, the pain evident in his eyes. “And, I helped set up an Internet-based tool for missing and unidentified people to make it easier for investigators and forensics to cross-reference. He snorted slightly. “It was at the beginning of our relationship.” He looked at Celeste, his tired eyes wide. “I wanted to impress her. I told her everything.” He slapped a hand on his forehead then rapped his knuckles on either side of his head. “I can’t believe I told her all the different ways a person can manufacture their own disappearance.”

  Celeste felt her heart spasm. Unable to believe what Josh was saying, she asked, “What are you telling me?”

  Frustration marked Josh’s face. “I’m saying that I shared the whole fucking thing with her.” He paced the room. “God, she knows better than anyone how easy it is to disappear!”

  “But surely we can put a,” Celeste searched for the word, “trace on her?”

  “Do you know how many people go missing each year in the States alone, Celeste?” Josh said, throwing his hands in the air. “Tens of thousands, and that’s people with no resources and no inside knowledge.”

  Celeste shook her head. “But surely we can contact someone? Do something?”

  “It’s not that easy,” Josh said. He stopped in front of her. “I contacted the sheriff’s office and missing persons. They did everything by the book, but as far as they are concerned, she’s a grown woman with no criminal record, who, given the circumstances, has probably gone back to her native country.” He hugged himself. “It’s been noted and filed.”

  “There must be something we can do. Don’t you have any contacts at Interpol?”

  Josh shook his head. “Celeste, I was an intern. I didn’t even have clearance to get into Interpol. I worked for a third-party company developing the software. I was a small cog in a big wheel.”

  “Don’t you have even one contact from then?” Celeste asked, her whole body trembling now.

  Josh shook his head. “The company I worked for went bust.”

  Celeste looked at him in disbelief.

  “It’s not unusual for software companies to go bust.”

  “There’s no one you can contact?” Celeste asked incredulously.

  Josh slumped in the chair. His palms covered his face. “Like I said, I was an intern.”

  “What about you?” he asked. “What about MSF? Can they find missing people?”

  Celeste shook her head slowly. “It’s not what they do.”

  Josh dropped his hands and sat up. Shoulders slumped, he asked, “What am I going to do, Celeste?”

  Celeste stared at Josh, suddenly aware that they were helpless to do anything.

  “What if she never comes back,” he asked then started to cry. “What if I never see her again?”

  Chapter 42

  Four years later...

  Celeste leaned against the wall, unable to believe her eyes. Watching Amy leave the hospital she studied her closely. God, she looks so thin and so pale.

  Celeste thought back to the way that Amy complete
ly shut down after the boys’ and Maggie’s deaths. Within months she had cleared out her own personal accounts, leaving in her a wake a brief note addressed to Josh explaining that their marriage was over. Four years ago, she simply had disappeared.

  Celeste watched Amy leave the hospital entrance in her crisp blue nurse’s uniform, and stand for a moment to put a sweater on. She looked at her watch. It was after six. Amy had just finished her shift. Looking up into the early evening, clear July sky, Celeste briefly wondered why Amy needed a sweater; there was still heat in the sun.

  Watching Amy, she remembered when she disappeared. Josh had informed his bewildered family that Amy’s father had left her money. With that, he said, it would have been relatively easy for her to organize her own disappearance. For years, the Cameron family desperately tried to make contact with Amy, checking with all sorts of agencies in the hope of tracking her down. Nothing worked. They had never found her, until now.

  Celeste’s heart leapt into her mouth when Amy came closer. She noted her appearance. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail but needed tidying. Amy’s hair had always looked magnificent, but, as she approached, Celeste noticed how lackluster it was. Amy, she realized, looked washed out.

  A few weeks ago, Irene had contacted Celeste to let her know that she had a permanent address for Amy. Irene had, over the last four years, occasionally received short letters from Amy, letting her know she was okay. It hadn’t been long into Amy’s disappearance before they stopped trying to trace her correspondence. It only ever led to a dead-end.

  When Irene received a recent letter, she immediately called Celeste to discuss what they were going to do. It never ceased to surprise her, that over the years, Irene had never judged or doubted Celeste’s feelings for her daughter and, as a result. Celeste reasoned it was because Irene had been in a similar situation once.

  With the permanent address came a clear warning that Irene was not to pass the address on to anyone. If she did, Amy said she would relocate and all future contact would be broken off permanently. Regardless of the warning, there was no doubt in Irene’s mind that contact needed to be made, and that Celeste would be the one to make it.

  Celeste stiffened as Amy walked swiftly in her direction. She still couldn’t quite believe that Amy had trained to be a nurse, obviously hoping in some way to follow in Maggie’s footsteps. She watched with disbelief when Amy was stopped by a fellow nurse, who offered her a cigarette, and Amy accepted. The blonde had never smoked in her life. After a few moments, the two nurses parted, and stubbing her cigarette out, Amy walked toward Celeste.

  Celeste almost let her walk past, suddenly worried about Amy’s reaction to seeing her. But she needed this. She needed to make contact. She hadn’t come this far and waited for so long, to let it go.

  Reaching out, Celeste placed her hand on Amy’s arm and said, “Hello, Amy.”

  Amy started. She looked at the hand holding her arm, and then the face. For a moment, it was clear she had no idea who Celeste was. Then she whispered, “Celeste?”

  Celeste smiled and nodded. “Amy,” she said with relief. “It’s wonderful to see you.”

  Amy’s jaw dropped open. “What are you doing here?” she asked, frowning in evident confusion.

  What else? Celeste wanted to say, but to find you!

  Not wanting to scare Amy, Celeste tried to be nonchalant. “I’m on vacation,” she offered. “I’m traveling through. Irene gave me your contact details, and I thought it would be nice to see you.” Celeste dropped her hand when Amy stiffened. “Why don’t we find a café,” she said gently. “It would be nice to catch up.”

  In evident shock, Amy nodded mutely.

  Completely disarmed at seeing Celeste, Amy walked with her down the street in awkward silence. She was surprised and seriously annoyed that her mother had given Celeste her details despite clearly being told her not to pass them on to anyone. Her inner voice reminded her that she should have kept things as they were. It told her that she should have followed her instinct not to send Irene her permanent address.

  At the café, Celeste suggested that Amy take a seat while she ordered coffee. Amy took a table close by and watched Celeste walk to the counter, unable to believe that she was here, in Glasgow.

  Looking around, Amy watched people openly appraise Celeste. She could see that, even in jeans and a simple black V-neck sweater, she still managed to stand out in the crowd. Celeste, Amy observed, was tanned and her hair was down. She grudgingly admitted that Celeste was as beautiful as ever.

  Amy knew she looked bedraggled. Today was such a busy day that she hadn’t had time to stop to even fix her hair. She was tired and knew she looked it. All those extra shifts, covering for the holiday period, had taken their toll. She was knackered, but she didn’t mind not going on vacation. She didn’t feel comfortable sitting out in the sun, particularly now with her scars.

  Unclasping her hair, Amy pulled it tight then re-clasped it and felt slightly more respectable.

  Waiting for Celeste, Amy looked at her hands and realized how pale they were; she could easily see blue veins. She was thankful that the scars on her hands were more translucent now.

  As Celeste approached, Amy put her pale, scarred hands in her lap.

  Celeste placed the tray on the table. She had bought a black coffee for her and a white coffee for Amy and two muffins—a blueberry and a chocolate one.

  The blueberry was Amy’s favorite and as Celeste slid the coffee and blueberry muffin over to her, her stomach rumbled. She hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast.

  Thanking Celeste, Amy took a sip from her coffee before biting into her muffin. She chewed slowly, wondering what to say. She was still in shock; seeing Celeste was just so unexpected.

  The café was a favorite for many of the nursing staff when they clocked off work. Neil and Sandra, two of Amy’s colleagues, entered. Neil looked around, and catching sight of Amy, quickly approached and asked if he could join them.

  Amy opened her mouth to answer just as Neil plunked himself next to Celeste. He proceeded to tell Amy about his day. Joining them with two coffees, Sandra sat next to Amy.

  Amy introduced her colleagues.

  Neil focused completely on Celeste, asking where she came from and what she did then followed her answers with a barrage of questions.

  After answering several questions, Celeste raised her eyebrows and looked to Amy for help.

  Usually, Amy enjoyed Neil’s company and since they had finished nursing college together, he had become a good friend, but there was no denying he was incredibly vain. He obsessed about his body-builder’s physique and worked out more than necessary. She liked him well enough because, when he wasn’t obsessing about his looks, he was good fun.

  Amused, Amy and Sandra watched Celeste squirm as Neil made his moves. Amy could tell he was completely bowled over by Celeste and was working hard to capture her interest. To her further amusement, within minutes, he produced every contactable number and address in the known universe, just in case Celeste needed a tour of city.

  Sandra eventually interrupted. “Are you old friends?”

  Blushing, Amy glanced at Celeste before answering, “Yes. You could say that.”

  Neil immediately asked, “How did you two meet?”

  There was an awkward silence. Amy didn’t want to go into that part of her past.

  Neil looked at Celeste. “She’s always been so mysterious about her past,” he said, sounding miffed.

  Celeste immediately responded, “Amy used to…date my brother.”

  Neil looked at Amy and grunted. “Huh,” he said. “So you’re not a lezzie after all!”

  Amy almost choked on her muffin.

  Shocked silence fell across the table. Neil looked at Sandra, then Amy. “No offense, Amy.”

  Wiping the crumbs from her mouth, Amy blushed.

  Sandra visibly cringed.

  Neil turned to Celeste. “You know,” he said, waving a finger between Sandra and himsel
f. “We’ve known Amy for a couple of years, but she’s never been out on a date.” He gazed at Amy as if she was an alien. “Never!” he said. He looked at Sandra. “Isn’t that right?”

  Flabbergasted, Sandra’s mouth hung open.

  Neil looked at Amy and said carefully, “You don’t…bat for the other side, do you?”

  Sandra stood up. “Neil,” she said, her voice rising alarmingly. “The only bat you’ll be getting is across that big mouth of yours if you keep this crap up.” Given her small demeanor, at just over five foot, with surprising strength she hauled Neil off the seat.

  Neil lurched up.

  “My apologies Celeste, but we’d better get going,” Sandra said. “It’s closing time at the zoo. So, I better hurry up and get him home.”

  Dragging Neil out, Sandra called, “See you tomorrow Amy, and, Celeste, nice meeting you. Hope you have a good time while you’re here.” She stopped at the door and asked Neil, “Want to grunt your goodbyes?”

  Neil shouted, “Call me,” to Celeste as Sandra pushed him out of the café door.

  Amused, Amy and Celeste watched through the window as she gave Neil a dressing down.

  Amy looked at Celeste and burst out laughing.

  Celeste laughed with Amy, relieved that Neil the Neanderthal had served one good purpose—he had broken the ice between them. V

  For the next hour they chatted, avoiding any intimate conversation. Amy talked about nursing and some of her patients, and Celeste talked about being a doctor. Eventually the conversation lulled.

  Celeste decided to tell Amy that she wasn’t here alone, that she had brought her two adopted children with her. Amy looked at her in surprise. Celeste produced some photographs and explained. “A few years ago I adopted Daniel.”

  Amy looked at the photographs. “I remember your friend Susan talking about him. Wasn’t he the wee boy that you took to in Sierra Leone?”

  Surprised that Amy remembered, Celeste nodded. “Daniel’s mother died of AIDS and they were orphaned.

  There was a long moment of silence then Amy asked, “Why?”